<p>That’s exactly right- he has to want it. And he does want part of it- the social aspect. But as my family knows, “I’m not paying for that.” At least not exclusively. Social life is one part of the equation- academic success being the other. Preparation for a future career. Appreciation for learning- for the sake of learning. </p>
<p>At one time I thought it would be the end of the world if S didn’t go to college. Needless to say, I don’t feel that way any longer.</p>
<p>Oh Sabaray… I am so sorry. The straw and the camel… I totally get it. </p>
<p>I guess the questions remain as to what he is saying about things… i.e., missing study hall, the ragers, etc. How is he responding to the letters from the school to you? However, if you pull the rug out from under him at this point, my concern would be how he motivates to go forward for the remainder of THIS semester? If he knows He is just biding his time until the party ends and the curtain closes, does he just fold his hand and go with the rager? Or does he buckle down and prove he can handle to issues at hand? What he really needs to understand is that if he is no longer there, the parties will continue. Who is he really hurting? Himself. Yes, it sounds rather trite, but these people are not going to mourn his leaving, the party will continue. And the truth there is, the party will still be there if he chooses better priorities as well. </p>
<p>So… if you don’t pay the deposit, etc… does he just throw in the towel now? Or does he work to finish strong so he is in the position to come back or does he leave himself empty-handed with no option to return? And what happens if he does turn it around? Is there the possibility that he goes back in the fall?</p>
<p>Sabaray, you’re doing the right thing. Not easy, I know… take care…</p>
<p>These are all the same questions I have struggled with, Moda. </p>
<p>Even if S were to turn it around this term I believe it would be a good idea for him to take a year off. I don’t believe that he ever had the academic foundation he needed to be successful at school and frankly, cc would have been a better option for him. Perhaps selfishly we supported him in his desire to go away. </p>
<p>Every term has been the same thing. He’s dropped numerous classes, has failed 2 and has D’s in 2 others. So he has not making the necessary progress. He needs numerous core courses and is really behind the eight ball. At this point I think he’s already checked out. </p>
<p>I love him and want him to be successful and get help for his alcohol issues but at this point financial support is the only motivator I have. As recently as two weeks ago he asked for $1000 to go to the Bahamas for spring break. Because we were supporting D through the rush process he felt he should receive an equivalent gift. Thankfully H said no, forget it. Now even more bad behavior. He wants to drink more than he wants to do anything else and I am just unwilling to support that. We’ve arranged counseling that he doesn’t go to and limited funds so he can’t afford it (or so we thought). </p>
<p>I honestly never thought I’d be a parent who told their child “you’re on your own” but at this point it might be what he needs. Or it might be the beginning of an even deeper downward spiral. But I can’t jeopardize the rest of my family because of S’s selfishness.</p>
<p>Oh, sabaray, I’m so sorry. </p>
<p>I can’t tell from your message-- perhaps you don’t know-- whether the alcohol problems are the main issue, or whether he is hanging around with his friends and having fun instead of doing his schoolwork but is not an addict. In either case, though, I can see why you are unwilling to support a lifestyle of partying.</p>
<p>Can you get some prorated money back for this term? It sounds like it may be time to remove all financial support right now.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you and the sabaray family. I know this is a hard time.</p>
<p>Older D pushed for the spring break trip as well during her downward spiral. I think it was… if not now, never. But I really commend you for not being bullied by the sibling rivalry. “gift” is the operative word. No one “deserves” an equal gift. I honestly believe older D’s failures motivated the younger kids hugely so as not to find themselves in her position. And I know there was a time where she was slightly bitter that the younger two were getting things she no longer was. But we felt we had invested in her with no ROI and so, there is was no interest earned. Certainly the verbiage could be used in terms of finances and personality. We just couldn’t afford to invest financially or emotionally until SHE decided it was something she truly wanted for herself. You are doing the right thing by “detaching with love” as they say. You cannot help someone who is refusing to help themselves. Drinking is depressive, which is certainly not helping the situation, and truthfully, even though the money is already spent for the semester, what would the options be to pull him out now vs waiting for the bottom to hit.</p>
<p>Oh Sabaray and CF, big hugs and my thoughts go out to you. </p>
<p>These guys are both still young. Hopefully a few years down the road, things will have turned around and things have all worked out for the best. It happens. Sometimes it just takes time for them to figure it out.</p>
<p>Big hugs, Sabaray. Seems like the older our kids get, the harder the decisions become.</p>
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<p>Wouldn’t this roller coaster we’re on be a lot easier to handle if we knew that the ending would be smooth?</p>
<p>Oh,sabaray…so very sorry. {{{HUGS}}} What if you talked with S and said final chance…pull it together for the remainder of the semester, go to study halls, meet with counselor, improve grades to what you think they should be or he will not return next year. Can you hold out on the housing deposit until results are in? Or tie the deposit to his improvement? If you pay it and he doesn’t improve then he is on the hook to pay you back. Life lessons are hard.</p>
<p>I’m afraid I’d need a real hook or even a cattle prod to get S to pay me back anything, NM. The housing deposit would be a drop in the bucket compared to what we’ve invested otherwise. </p>
<p>I think for most parents and children your approach is a great and very reasonable one. I think I probably had my head in the sand about S, his habits and lack of academic motivation. I keep saying to myself, I graduated from a top 10 LAC; I graduated from law school; I raised two children, one of whom is in a honors program at a top public; what did I do wrong with S? How did I miss so many clues? Bah. </p>
<p>You guys are great. Seriously. I wish you could all come over for coffee and healthy snacks. Those of us on the health/wellness thread could set up our treadmills and look out at snow falling on the Blue Ridge.</p>
<p>Little kids, little problems. Big Kids, Bigger Problems. </p>
<p>I had a neighbor who has five kids. When her oldest was about 12, she said something about her knowing about all the stages of childhood. At the time, our oldest was about 20. I literally burst out laughing and said, I mean this will all due respect, but you really don’t have a clue! I saw her again over Christmas when we all got together. Her oldest is now 17 or closing in on 18 and she said… I didn’t have a clue, but at least I know that… and STILL don’t have a clue. </p>
<p>But I agree with Missy… it would be so much more rewarding in the moment if we knew that the ending would be WORTH the journey taken and you never know that until you get where you are going. I do think, however, that family expectations play a huge role in how people either pull themselves up or not. Certainly even a different path of the military still concluded in a college degree etc, but the family legacy of valuing education remains. Ramble end.</p>
<p>I am off to Costco today as I have to make turkey croussant sandwiches for the entire basketball team (girls) for their away game. Usually they get bagels but apparently one mom made these and they were a huge hit so the bar was raised to the point where calling Brueggers to pull it all together for pick up is just not the thing to do. Please.</p>
<p>Daughter made a list of things to pick up at Costco. I decided to forgo the request for a new flat screen for her room! She can be funny, this is true.</p>
<p>Spring Break: Is it odd that our girls like vacationing with us when their schedules work with ours? D2 just assumed she was vacationing with us in Mexico this spring. No interest in going with friends. D1 went with us one year, spent time at home soph and jr year and asked for a week of timeshare for graduation this year. She will be 22 next week. She is heading to Orlando before she starts her job after graduation. We always enjoy the time together but I wonder if it will soon stop. Ha, maybe it’s not us but the free vacation in Mexico where everything is paid for! ;)</p>
<p>Side note: Just heard an update from a young woman who played HS soccer with D1. She went off to play DI soccer her freshman year and had a severe concussion during that season. She had to sit out a semester and I lost track of her. Now I saw her name in the local paper and she is attending and playing soccer for a local technical college. She never fully recovered from the head trauma and has difficulty with short term memory. I needed to hear about this as it helps me work through the process of D2 leaving her college and the scholarship. I think I need to more grateful for the many blessings I do have in my life.</p>
<p>Hang in there Sabaray. And get support so you can hold the line for him. He just isn’t ready to be doing college, so he isn’t. Ultimately, he’s likely to be relieved to give up the charade. Doesn’t mean there won’t be some tantrum along in there but it sounds like between you and your husband you will convey that you 1)love him and 2)have limits. We all need both love and limits. And if he REALLY wants a housing deposit because he is planning a turn around, then he has to find a way to earn it if you don’t provide it. But providing it seems to promise you’re good for another year of what you’ve already had enough of…</p>
<p>Oh my,that is sad news, NM.</p>
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<p>I was faced with a similar dilemma. I wanted to get S a PDA phone, but didn’t want to pay for a data plan ($40/m). I discovered that I could get him on “old” Palm PDA on E-Bay, and then activate it on his line without having to buy the data plan. I got him a Palm Treo 700p, the last model Verizon supported that did not require the data plan. It is in excellent condition. There were many such items available on eBay, including new ones. Sounds like you’ve already solved your problem, but just thought you might like to know.</p>
<p>On the boxelder bug front: we have them in NH. Our fencing club gets inundated yearly :),</p>
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<p>We all have to remind ourselves that as parents we are entitled to have limits. You’ve reached the end of your rope and you are absolutly entitled to that.</p>
<p>I remember a couple of years ago, D (in 9th grade at the time) was going to a birthday party. I bought the gift, the gift bag and the tissue and left it out for her to put together. I absolutely blew up when she complained that I hadn’t finished wrapping the gift. I felt terrible for blowing up but really, the princess deserved some choice words.</p>
<p>NM, my kids have no current intentions of vacationing with anyone else but us. We go to neat places. We stay in nice hotels or interesting flats. We pay. At least in this area, they all realize that they have a very good thing going. Each child has said that when they’re grown, they’re going to ask me to plan their vacations. (LOL, I can just see the DIL on some message board complaining that her MIL is planning all their vacations.)</p>
<p>So sorry to hear about the friend’s head trauma. So many of us deal with frequent sports injuries (I was at CVS this week buying knee braces for both Ds) but the thought of an injury causing perhaps permanent brain damage - so sad and scary.</p>
<p>Sabaray, once you have made your decision (assuming your H is on the same page) and communicated it to your S, you can detach and let yourself start to de-stress. When I was doing things my family disapproved of in my late teens and early twenties, I wish my parents had understood that sometimes it really isn’t about them. They didn’t make any mistakes in how they raised me. I just needed to find my own path. </p>
<p>There is no reason not to have taken a risk in giving your son an opportunity at college, no matter what sort of signs of lack of readiness he exhibited in high school. He wouldn’t have been the first kid to turn things around and stepped up to the plate when push came to shove. There is equally no reason to continue to support him in college when it has become clear he hasn’t picked up his game. </p>
<p>I can’t take the credit for all the things my kids accomplish, so I sure don’t intend to take the blame for all the things they do wrong. All of which is to say, don’t beat yourself up. Kids learn by their mistakes. While your S maybe didn’t learn as much in college as you had hoped, I predict he is going to have a very steep learning curve coming up soon. </p>
<p>S1’s trip to New Orleans was cancelled due to the snow, which is coming down pretty hard. I’m glad I got to the Y early.</p>
<p>NM, our kids do not like going on vacation with us. Even Hawaii, Alaska, Greece, full service resorts, cruises–whatever. Not going to happen anymore unless we have a gun to their heads. At the same time, we don’t pay for their vacations with their friends. That is 100% their cost (even in high school), so they do things on the cheap. Road trip plus shack up with friends or in a tent or hostel.</p>
<p>I was just browsing the web and found this essay site. I was dumbfounded! There are actually moderators who edit these essays for the kids! Scholarships, admissions, grad school…think of all the hours I wasted editing for my Ds! ;)</p>
<p>[Essay</a> Forum - Academic Writing, Editing, and Research Help](<a href=“http://www.essayforum.com/]Essay”>http://www.essayforum.com/)</p>
<p>Thanks for the info, DragonLady. So far I’m quite pleased with using my iPod Touch. And who knew there were boxelder bugs around here? Hopefully I won’t come face-to-face with any.</p>
<p>Re: vacations w/ grown kids – both D & S are perfectly happy to go with us, since we travel to nice places and pay all costs, a la missypie. We’re fortunate that both spring breaks are the same week this year, but it may be our last hurrah since D graduates in May.</p>