<p>Aspies certainly need the skill set, or at least would benefit from having it, but they will not get it at school. And they won’t get it at other social events, either-- it has to be explicitly taught. Resiliency, determination and effort are irrelevant if the explicit teaching is not there.</p>
<p>People who are on the autism spectrum, especially those not diagnosed, hear, “Try harder” a lot. My son’s therapist says, “Try harder? That’s like telling a kid with visual impairments to stare harder.” No amount of trying will help me see better unless I put on my glasses first.</p>
<p>DH and I had our valentines on Thursday, with dinner and “Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me”, which was a blast. Although at the end, Peter Sagal mentioned that they would be doing the show again on Friday, with a different guest - ZZ Top. You could hear a collective silent “Damn!” reverberate through the audience. But it was fun listening to our program today (and hearing some of the things which were drowned out by laughter).</p>
<p>Believe me, as someone with ADD and having a 2 daughters with ADD, the “just try harder” is a familiar phrase. I would guess, however, that there are a lot of Aspie kids who are homeschooled where yes, just like other things, teaching this specific skill set would be a valuable part of a curriculum - although I imagine a room full of Aspie kids would be perfectly happy to not take cues from one another!!</p>
<p>Are there now organized programs for social skills? I don’t know that I would have been diagnosed for it, I know I would likely have benefited greatly if someone had tried to teach me as I waited until college and grad school to pick up skills that I suspect others had. At the moment, but I have a nephew who looks to me like he’s missing key skills. He just talks (he verbalizes whatever is going on in his mind) without a clue that no one is interested. His mom is a Cambridge-y type who believe that TV is evil (I agree), popular culture is evil, and is religiously New Age-y vegetarian. So, he doesn’t get to participate in many conversations (computer games because they are evil, TV shows, etc.) So, he is miserable in school. I’d love to suggest to her some (vegetarian) programs to build his social skills and social awareness.</p>
<p>Husband and I have this conversation on a regular basis after Son has done something “so Aspergers” and Husband gets on his case. I always ask him whether, if Son had Down Syndrome, he’d be telling him to be smarter.</p>
<p>Early in our marriage, I told Husband that flowers for birthday and anniversary would be great but that he could have a bye on Valentines Day. Somehow that has morphed in his mind to me not wanting *anything *for Valentine’s Day.</p>
<p>The main stay for social skills… even if merely rote, would be cotillion or similar. You learn polite conversation and responses, which silverware to use, etc. Other than that, I don’t think there is a formal class… but I think yes, it would probably be welcome to many. We were lucky (or maybe not) in that my in laws required family dinners and were very… umm… manner and social graces aware. My great grandmother would have us over at least once a month and insisted upon your being prepared with some sort of current event. Not sure today’s kids would put up with it.</p>
<p>Hey all, let’s write a book for the smart and socially awkward! You know, something like: Social Cues for the Clueless. I’ll just dig up every email, letter or convo I’ve ever had with McSon. Better yet, let’s start a blog ;)</p>
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<p>Shawbridge, I resembled that remark a little when McSon was young, which I suspect led to his precocious reading/verbal/creativity, so on one hand, no regrets. However, once he started kindergarten and spent a year getting either beat up or bemused by all the kids parroting “violence” ala power rangers etc., I started letting him watch <em>some</em> TV (in my company, and with discussion) so that he could understand what the hell was motivating the kids to behave as they did. He could never “get” what was going on around him that way. We actually had a social worker work with him to help him identify cues.</p>
<p>As I loosened the restrictions on enculturing influences – deciding in essence that I’d been misguided and strident, and that he had to immerse in THIS world to master it – he became (year by year) much more socially integrated, yet still retained his independent and critical thinking ways. (Another bonus from minimal tv was that never asked me for crap at the grocery store (they only do b/c of the advertising. Once they can deconstruct it…the magic is gone!)</p>
<p>Knowing what I know today, I’d have done things slightly differently, and done a better job perhaps of helping him integrate without being “co-opted” into the hype, if only to have saved him some of the pain and confusion he experienced. But I do think the old adage (and the subsequent research) that suggests form teaches over content is very very true. And since McSon formed his basic personality (by 5) without a “passive” content delivery system such as TV, he became a much more independent and innovative student. I guess the trick is balance.
Cheers,
K</p>
<p>When we talk about social skills for Aspies, we aren’t usually talking about which fork to use. We’re not talking about manners, exactly; we’re talking about more basic skills. More like, how do you approach a group of people? How often, and when, do you make eye contact? What is funny? What is not funny? When should you laugh? How can you tell by tone of voice when someone is happy, sad, angry or bored? How can you tell from facial expression and body expression when someone is happy, sad, angry or bored? When should you tell a white lie? How close should you stand to another person? How do you make small talk (very difficult for Aspies, skill must be broken down into small pieces)? How do you make a friend?</p>
<p>Absolutely, social skills training and social skills classes for Aspies exist. Nowadays, if they’re diagnosed early and they’re lucky, young Aspies get social skills instruction.</p>
<p>His mother may be a fruitcake, but she is not the reason he is missing key skills. Other kids with vegetarian New Age mothers know how to have conversations. And c’mon, he’s in Cambridge, no way he’s the only kid with a crunchy granola mother, yet I’m guessing the other kids get along better than he does.</p>
<p>CF - I think you missed my point in saying this was the kind of social class that IS available, not that it was the right one for kids with Aspergers. I have a niece and a nephew that have been diagnosed as such and I fully get that Cotillion would not be helpful and the deafening silences that occur at Family holidays when my nephew just doesn’t recognize the line he just crossed and completely lost sight of. Of course, it is not helped that my MIL has extremely high expectations and low tolerance. She wants Normal Rockwell and gets Gary Larson (the far side).</p>
<p>“Of course, it is not helped that my MIL has extremely high expectations and low tolerance. She wants Normal Rockwell and gets Gary Larson (the far side).”</p>
<p>Teachers: I agree that there are some fantastic teachers out there that will listen to your concerns and work with you. However, having had the SPED experience with my older D I can tell you that if things are not in writing be it on an IEP or a 504 plan many teachers will say they don’t have to do it. It is our job as parents to make sure those accommodations and modifications are available for our kids. We also need to teach them how to go about getting them (self advocacy skills) for when they are on their own, like they are now in college.</p>
<p>Aspies: I’m game to participate in the writing of that book. I think it would be useful not only for the kids but also the parents. I know I had to learn what the kids were talking about, what was cool, what was not. Not only the tv shows, but music, actors, games, etc.</p>
<p>Valentines: Depends on the week. We usually go to dinner and a movie and cards. DD was happy with her gift (chocolate, cookies and kisses) plus we got her car fixed. The battery died on her so we got to go see her and we all had Valentine’s dinner together on Thursday.</p>
<p>OK mine is not diagnosed but sheesh with everything I hear you all saying, he HAS to have some level of Aspergers.</p>
<p>We took him OUT of school because of MAJOR social problems. Put him back in, in HS, in hopes he would learn to cope - he did, became pretty good at it, he is a very quick study, but still he is so obviously, to me, someone with executive function issues, among other things. But he DID learn how to put the correct social face on things, however somethimes I think he thinks it’s TOO important to appear <em>normal</em>. Someday, I hope, he will embrace his uniqueness.</p>
<p>we had a bottle of Valentine’s champagne (<em>I</em> purchased it) tonight, as hubby has to play a Valentine’s Day gig tomorrow. No cards and flowers here. Oh well.</p>
<p>Take a look at the above link. It is a wonderful list of social skills, and useful for students far older than middle school age! It also lists the steps needed for teaching each of the skills.</p>
<p>I’m thinking back to when S1 was first diagnosed with something. Asperger’s Syndrome wasn’t in the DSM yet, so he got the label of PPD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified). He didn’t quite fit the autism diagnosis. I wonder if they are going to broaden the autism spectrum diagnosis so it will be clear that Asperger’s Syndrome-like characteristics are part of it? </p>
<p>AS got in the 1994 edition of the DSM (current version). </p>
<p>It is so variable as to what services (even special ed classification) a student will get. It all depends on the school system. In my state, there isn’t even an endorsement that is required for teachers of students with autism. They can be taught by <em>any</em> special education teacher. Now that is phrased something like “according to the student’s needs,” but the practical translation is often, “according to the school system’s convenience.” Does a teacher who is endorsed LD or ED actually understand autism? Personally, I believe that a teacher who is expected to teach students with so many diagnoses is a jack (or jill) of all trades, master of none. </p>
<p>I don’t know what will happen if the AS diagnosis is no longer used. I’m going to reserve judgement, but my gut reaction is to think that it’s not a good idea…</p>
<p>As I wrote several pages back, I bought my own gift for Valentine’s Day, and told H. He wanted to know if I got a card for myself, too! (He was kidding – sort of.) I expect it may well end up like Christmas – I’ll get an IOU for a card.</p>
<p>When H worked in NYC, he would occasionally bring home flowers he bought from a stand near the subway. Since then, hardly ever. I buy flowers at the grocery store when they’re on sale, especially in the dead of winter. Just bought tulips last week – a reminder that spring is on its way.</p>
<p>Shawbridge, your post about couples splitting up strikes a nerve. We too have friend/couples who are going down that road. It makes us look at one another and ask “us too?” which, happily so far, has resulted in “nah, not us, we still like each other.” Leading into today’s V-day, as has happened so often over the last 18+ years, the kids always get in the way. This w/e DD is home from boarding school. She packed light on belongings but, as always, brought home lots of (excessive) drama. So I doubt we’ll get much private time today…exchange some cards and smiles and that’s about it.</p>