<p>CF, I wasn’t blaming the New Age-y mom for my nephew’s lack of social skills, but in taking away some of the things that would enable him to integrate. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. The issues were quite clear years ago, but her view that popular culture is evil (much of which I share) causes her to prevent the boy from participating in in various activities is not helping him integrate. He needs to learn to engage, which means skills he doesn’t have and props (see below). Similarly, when she drops off kids with for a play date, she gives elaborate instructions about what the kids can and cannot eat (no processed food, no meat, it has to look like it goes from the ground, no refined sugar, and on and on) and what they can and cannot do (no computer games, not TV, no war games, …). If I were a parent on the other end of that, unless I subscribed to the same quasi-religious world view, I might be somewhat annoyed at someone telling me what I can and cannot do in my house and would gently guide my kid to invite over other friends whose mothers were not so controlling. In the last few months, the kid has developed OCD symptoms – washing hands 63 times a day and worrying that he didn’t get some area and going back to rewash. </p>
<p>kmccrindle, we did not allow commercial TV in our house (although we had a TV) until the kids were getting it all on their computers anyway. But, we let them watch it at their grandparents and friends. We’d rent videos. And, when a craze arose, stupid as it was, we allowed the kids to participate. ShawD is very social so integrating has never been an issue. If anything, she’s too influenced by her friends and what they think is good. ShawSon was an extremely cerebral kid – when he was three, at dinner, we discussed a Canadian Jewish man who was marrying a German Christian women. The woman had moved to Canada and, to marry, was converting. The next morning, while I was shaving, I felt a tug at about hip level and ShawD asks, “Can someone change countries the way they can change religions?” Since she clearly had moved to Canada, he was asking about the concept of nationality. When he was interviewed for a private school program in 3rd grade at a selective private school (of the 45 boys they admitted, 6 were admitted into a 2 year program for boys with high IQs and learning disabilities), he was asked his favorite TV show, he said, I don’t watch TV but I like books and went on to explain what he’d learned from a book about why popcorn pops (all audiobooks at that point). This kid needed help integrating into his new school. So, the craze that year was Pokemon, which seemed like a dumb waste of money, but that was what the boys were talking about at lunch. So, we purchased Pokemon cards and these were the props that helped him integrate that year. Later, Magic Cards were big and we still have lots of them in the house. Oh, and Beanie babies and … . ShawSon found the other cerebral kids and made friends – and also stood up for them when they were being picked on. Generally, I thought that they needed enough pop culture to integrate but that the passivity of TV too early was problematic.</p>
<p>I looked over the Social Skills link that you provided, Deja. I needed a higher order level of skills that I didn’t have: e.g., how to start conversations, how to ask questions that are neither too generic nor too personal, how to initiate and further friendships, and later, how to initiate conversations with members of the opposite sex, as well as the courtship skills described above. Unlike the Aspies described here, I missed the interaction and knew I was being excluded but didn’t know how to get myself included. I actually did find not a program but got professional guidance (and as described above, non-professional guidance for some of these things and the guidance made a tremendous amount of difference. I’m guessing that my nephew probably needs some of the same but also something on how to read cues to know that he is not engaging people before they either walk away mid-sentence or pass out. Do you think that kind of program exists? In my case, it was terminal shyness w/o social skills probably more than Asperger’s. I don’t know what the issue is with my nephew.</p>
I believe there are plans for a romantic spring trip! H is good with it but I am in denial and think they should wait just a little bit to get established in their careers. Of course I don’t say anything like that out loud!!!</p>