<p>missypie, I love your phrasing. We have in effect done kept the same face in front. My wife’s cousin has been, in effect, my son’s coach since he was 13. At this point, he is able to monitor his email and remind him of things (not a big invasion of privacy because as a dyslexic, he favors actual phone conversations to email for anything personal. He doesn’t need coaching for coursework at this point (though he did four years ago) – he’s really on top of assignments and not infrequently calls me to talk out how he is going to manage the work (I think I mentioned that my own input there is not useful, I just listen as he verbalizes the plan). But, he does still need help with other details of life. Project Birthright registration, internship application, events he might want to attend if he read his email, even friending the nice girl in his class who has friended him this week and not two months from now. He seems to be fine on the housing selection for next year – proactively ahead of the game, in fact. So the maturity is definitely coming and his issues were undoubtedly less severe than your son’s even at the most difficult of times, but the life coach from afar works reasonably well.</p>
<p>Sorry, some funny typos above, corrected here. Missypie, I love your phrasing. We have in effect kept the same face in front. My wife’s cousin has been, in effect, my son’s coach since he was 13. At this point, she is able to monitor his email and remind him of things (not a big invasion of privacy because as a dyslexic, he favors actual phone conversations to email for anything personal. He doesn’t need coaching for coursework at this point (though he did four years ago) – he’s really on top of assignments and not infrequently calls me to talk out how he is going to manage the work (I think I mentioned that my own input there is not useful, I just listen as he verbalizes the plan). But, he does still need reminding with respect to other details of life. Project Birthright registration, internship application, events he might want to attend if he read his email, even friending the nice girl in his class who has friended him this week and not two months from now. He seems to be fine on the housing selection for next year – proactively ahead of the game, in fact. So the maturity is definitely coming and his issues were undoubtedly less severe than your son’s even at the most difficult of times, but the life coach from afar works reasonably well.</p>
<p>I wonder how hard it is to manage both the social and academic aspects of college. Perhaps the environment is not for him. lots of people dont like their schools and transfer. My nephew who we think has aspergers’s prefers to be home much to my SIL’s chagrin. She is currently seeing a therapist to learn to deal with him as he refuses to go to the therapist. It has helped her in learning how to structure him in order to get him to do things. But as we all feel at home, there is no social pressure, it is predictable, we are loved and accepted. I think that is how my nephew feels. MY SIL would like him to move on he just turned 26.</p>
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<p>Ouch! I would too.</p>
<p>Long long (14+ hours) at the dance competition. This was public school drill team. Since I was a costume mom, I got to be behinds the scenes and observe their pre-perfomance ritutals. Among other things, before each performance they get in a big circle, hold hands, and one of the girls leads in prayer. At that point, one can tell oneself that each girl can pray to her own God, or just space out. But at the end, they all say the Lord’s Prayer out loud. The other moms had no problem with this, and of course, it’s student-led and not teacher led. Sure, the Budhist girl or the Jewish girl could be one one out of 60 that isn’t part of the circle…but that doesn’t happen. My own (Christian) D is uncomfortable with this. I thought it was really surprising.</p>
<p>They PRAY? Whoa. I wouldn’t want to be the Jewish or atheist girl there, trying to blend into the crowd and not wanting to admit that I don’t believe in the divinity of Jesus Christ.</p>
<p>Our drama kids would always pray, too. Public school. Lead by another student. I am sure some did not join in. It was more like: “If anyone wants to pray, please meet us in the back hallway.”</p>
<p>My Jewish Ds’ life in a small Ohio town has been full of this, probably more than I know. The problem isn’t that there is pressure to join in; it is the assumption (at least around here) that everyone is Christian. It doesn’t occur to many people that 1) not everyone is Christian and 2) group prayer may make some people uncomfortable.</p>
<p>They respectfully don’t participate, but it makes them feel “other”, if that makes any sense.</p>
<p>The meeting in the hallway to pray would not be bothersome This is a circle of 60 girls holding hands. They do other “spirit” stuff in the circle after the prayers, so if one is out of the prayer circle, they wouldn’t be in the circle for the team chants and song.</p>
<p>Back in the day, I was on my high school drill team. On the bus to each football game, we were supposed to sing the school fight song, the school alma mater, then the Lord’s Prayer. I’m Christian, but I was uncomfortable with it, also. I never understood the point of praying before doing a halftime show - what were we praying for? That our lines would be straight and that everyone would do a split on cue?</p>
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<p>that’s what H always asks when professional athletes thank God for their victory. assuming that members of the other team also prayed before the game, does that mean God favors one team over the other?</p>
<p>Last week I sent emails to some of the people who have written about college students with Asperger’s…just a mom emailing these folks out of the blue. A guy at an Asperger’s support center in NYC who coaches HS and college kids all day every day answered my email and offered to talk to me this morning. It was very obvious he knows what he is talking about because he was able to descirbe the situation perfectly. </p>
<p>Of course, I wish I’d talked to him before we started the journey but I probably wouldn’t have been receptive to the message at the time. One thing he said is that Son absolutely needs a note taker in every class, together with extended time on tests, and testing in a quiet room. He suggested dropping the two classes that are giving him trouble (maybe trying a medical withdrawl if possible). He also suggested community college for next year, or just taking a very light load every semester. He said Son needs to meet with a coach at least once, if not twice a week, who will go over the syllabus for every class and plan a concrete time to do absolutely everything.</p>
<p>My final question to him was whether we’d done too much for him when he was at home. He said absolutely not - that the only way we “created” the situation was genetically. He said if there isn’t a college staff member or professional coach to keep them on track, a parent simply has to do it.</p>
<p>missypie—haven’t written in a while, but have tried catching up. sorry your son is having the difficulty he’s having…glad you have found someone to provide some direction and suggestions, especially to hear that what you had/have been providing to your son is what he really needed. it’s so hard when our kids are struggling…as others have noted, be proud you have the relationship where your son can tell you what’s really going on…</p>
<p>hey lindz! how are you and the kids! Is your D enjoying her first year? Your nest is empty now right? Hope you are filling it with things that make you happy!</p>
<p>Missiypie how nice that this guy was so kind to contact you in the first place and that he was a knowledgeable sounding board. Hope that being armed with his information will help you and your DS sort it all out and get/keep things moving in the direction they need to move.</p>
<p>hi historymom~thanks for the shout out…no empty nest here just yet, my little guy/8th grader (5" taller than me) keeps me running–baseball, guitar, etc. I’ve been busy professionally with some new business travel, (social worker) and a new board position on a non-profit organization that helps kids. </p>
<p>My daughter loves her college, has developed a strong friendship with her roomie, and is doing very well…pursuing psychology. My older son,(college sophomore) just returned from a community service trip to Uruguay with a group from his college, he had a wonderful time, looking into a year abroad in London. </p>
<p>how are your twin girls doing…read about the decision about next year…</p>
<p>MissyPie – I am so glad you’ve gotten what I suspect is nuts-on advice. I’ve been meaning to tell you something I gleaned from a lecture by Dr. Russel Barkley – he was discussing ADD and ADHD but also addressing the phenom of executive dysfunction…something aspies share with add/adhd many times. He essentially said that “teaching skills” (eg. time management) to someone with exec dysfunction for 6 weeks and expecting it to “work” was like giving a kid in a wheelchair a ramp for 6 weeks, THEN TAKING IT AWAY, saying “you should have learned how to get into the building.”</p>
<p>Sunday, while McSon and I recreated his room as a dorm-of-habitual-excellence (meaning, room to study; places to FIND study items; places to nourish oneself;) ) I asked him what had made the difference in his performance in jr. and sr. year at high school.
He said: “You. You were my executive function.”</p>
<p>I said OK, what are you going to do about that now? His first thought was to create a sentient bot to coach him daily and to which he’d be externally accountable. Since that’s not happening anytime soon, his second thought was to explore coaching possibilities starting with the on-campus counseling center and then seeing what kind of external accountability measures he could set up. We haven’t worked this out and I am clear that either I or my effigy will be involved in same (to ensure execution).</p>
<p>I think I mentioned earlier the organizational coach who works with college students (Google Geri Markel, author of Finding Your Focus). At any rate, I have learned that she does offer Skype coaching etc. So I’m sure others do as well.
Good luck!
Cheers,
K</p>
<p>And Shawbridge, re the expert comment – I think the need for same increases dramatically in proportion to how statistically anomalous the set of conditions are (eg ADD, auditory processing, gifted). After a spring break full of research, McSon and I (jokingly) concluded he was essentially “rogue data.” This because a mere 5% of kids with his Inattentive (and ergo processing) ADD even go to college, let alone a rigorous top school. Among those, appreciably few would be in the top 1 or 2 percent of the IQ range (just given the stats – although obviously of those going to a top college the likelihood of giftedness increases dramatically). Fewer still would be risking substantial scholarship money if their GPA drops.
So, it puts things into a context when we remember this – that most of the people we talk to will simply just not have had enough experience with this collection of variables to form treatment opinions/options that are much more reliable than our own – except they have specific concrete knowledge about some things (but may not have been inclined to apply it without provocation.) So we too are finding that we have to go deep and become the “experts.” While I would prefer it were McSon, I am clear I have to lead the way a little.</p>
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<p>Love it. From 7th grade on, the school wanted to take away what few accomodations Son had, saying, “He’ll have to learn to function later in life without them anyway.” My response was always, “At what point do you take away the deaf kids’ sign language interpreters?”</p>
<p>Missypie, my son’s therapist is saying exactly what your coach said. Exactly. She says Fang Jr will need a coach to meet with him every day to help him set a concrete time to do absolutely everything and to make sure he is keeping on track. </p>
<p>Right now, we are working on having him use a Google calendar (it syncs on phone and computer) to schedule every single item: bath, laundry, appointments, specific times to study specific things, household tasks like cooking dinner. That’s the first part of the task. The second part is to get him to follow the schedule and do what he’s supposed to do at the specific time he said he would do it.</p>
<p>Currently Mr. Fang and I are his coaches. At some point he’ll have an outside coach.</p>
<p>Fang Jr’s college assured me that they knew how to handle students with Aspergers. They didn’t. I personally emailed the psychologist’s recommendations to the Counseling Center, including the recommendation that Fang Jr have a coach to keep him on track. They set up a peer mentor instead. That didn’t work, just as it didn’t work for MissySon. ** Peer mentors do not work as executive function coaches!** They don’t. At all. They’re just students, and they don’t know enough. Moreover, the power relationship isn’t right. It doesn’t work.</p>
<p>The more I hear about Inattentive ADD (which I have been diagnosed with) and Aspergers (which my son has been diagnosed with) the more they seem like the same thing.</p>