<p>Arabrab, I had just been thinking about posting a warning/support thread for parents of '10s.</p>
<p>One trouble we parents of kids with executive function deficits is guilt and shame induced by hurtful comments from overgeneralizing parents of neurotypicals. Why are we coddling our kids in high school? Don’t we realize they’ll have to learn to stand on their own two feet in college? We should force them to be independent in high school so they won’t fail in college.</p>
<p>And these superior parents are exactly right. If we adopt a more hands-off strategy in high school, why, our Aspie kids won’t crash and burn in college. Because they won’t get to college, having already crashed and burned in high school. Whether that is a preferable outcome is subject to discussion.</p>
<p>missypie—how incredibly frustrating and disappointing…glad your son will be home shortly as he likely really needs some of those mama bear hugs and support—a reminder that he’s still the same bright capable young man he was before this all hit the fan…</p>
<p>cardinalfang—that’s an important point. so many college students who would previously have crashed and burned in high school are now in college precisely because of parents supporting them along their educational journey, and bc of diagnoses of their difficulties, professional help, medications, and often academic accommodations. the colleges are needing to learn how to actually support these students so that it’s not a set up for the student once in college. I am proud of my d’s school for their responsiveness and saddened to see how tough it’s been for some of our kids on here…</p>
<p>just saw this Ghandi quote that captures what we parents often experience when advocating for our kids’
“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.”</p>
<p>It is unbelievable to me how very very true your take on the average perception is. Up until recently, we were only aware of my son’s APD. Since most folks don’t know what the heck APD is, they didn’t seem as full of idiotic-media-spawned-ignorance, and would listen if I explained what it meant. But in the mere month since we’ve received his full neuropsych assement identifying ADD-Inattentive type, I have heard the most unbelievable things come from the mouths of my business associates and friends. Eg. It’s all about eating right, watch the sugar, “learn” to “get” organized, it’s all a big $ pharma racket, or the fault of too much television, technology, our contaminated environment etc. To which on most occasions I find myself thinking, and sometimes saying things along the lines of "I know you mean well but you are grossly misinformed. If I took away a little piece of your prefrontal cortex and then sucked up all the dopamine and norepinephrine neurotransmitters and short circuited the paretial pathway, you might then understand that this is a medical condition that requires treatment and direct support, not conjecture about social/environmental influences that have been statistically and scientifically discarded as causation decades ago </p>
<p>Then I realize that their impulse is to pre-emptively “make it better” or “diminish” or “fix” this news with something within the domain of control (as opposed to the reality that it is pathological), so I usually either bite my tongue or, in one case, say that I’m not interested in unscientific speculation about what for us is very real and that if we’re going to discuss opinion versus fact, I’m out. Which is not to say I’m not keeping an open mind. But there’s a certain kind of ‘defacto’ opinion that drives me nuts.</p>
<p>It’s been an eye-opener for me, and my heart goes out to those of you who have had more than your fill of this for years. Just fighting to support the APD was enough for me. Dealing with these skewed perceptions only adds insult to injury.</p>
<p>And despite this little tome about nutrition advice,(because it is different when they just blame sugar) I’ve made a little scientific (I hope) leap here this week with McSon, who has enjoyed an elevated mood, self-reported improved focus and organization, (with supporting external evidence) and two strong academic scores. I started looking into what was in the protein shake to see why he feels so much better on it, and darned if there’s not tyrosine (the amino acid that the body converts into Ldopa then dopamine) and tryptophan (NA conversion). The combo with the extra D, flaxseed oil, sublingual B (incl B12), magnesium and multi-vitamin seems, if nothing else, to be creating an absolutely awesome placebo effect/mood enhancer/or “actual treatment”. (In a way I don’t care if it’s a placebo effect… He’s out tonight celebrating getting a major project in on time. And he went and voluntarily – I mean, of his own volition and initiation – met and “negotiated” with the dean over a scholarship that was in possible jeopardy. He mapped out his plan for success and action to date and then told me that would be his “external accountability.”</p>
<p>That is fabulous news, kmccrindle. And, CF, your prediction of what you’d hear seems dead on. </p>
<p>I get that for a much less severe set of issues with my kids. We as parents have to help our kids figure out and take a path to a place in which they are playing to their strengths and not exposing their weaknesses. Some schools will help if you give them instructions, and we’ve been fortunate in getting schools to do that (and in one case, selecting a school that would). I’m also decent at negotiating with schools, which helps a bit. But, unfortunately, no one can do it but us as parents and over time our kids – if we can get them to the right place. </p>
<p>In that vein, ShawSon called this evening to find out when we’re picking him up tomorrow, but was exhausted from taking an essay exam (and then playing pickup basketball). But, he said he thought it went pretty well. I’m still a bit nervous, but he’s been pretty accurate about his grades thus far.</p>
<p>Missypie, I’ve been out of town and touch for awhile, but am staring wide-eyed at your recent challenges. All I can say is, you must be a very calm, diplomatic person to get the reaction (finally) you mention just above. And freaking patient! I hope, should your son choose to return, that he will FINALLY get the support he both deserves and was promised!</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue lately, actually in the context of cancer. We know a young woman who is in a very grim situation and she finally posted on her site to please stop the “you should have done ___” advice. As I’ve posted before, my Husband has the same views…bad things are your own fault. An acquaintance was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer just out of the blue and H’s first reaction was, “he must not have been going for annual physicals.” I said, “and what does your doctor do to YOUR pancreas at YOUR annual physicals to detect or prevent cancer?”</p>
<p>But I’m realizing that it’s all a control issue. It’s so hard to accept the utter randomness of cancer, car accidents, neurological issues…if a person believes that if one gets enough sleep, or gets an annual physical, or goes to church, or whatever, one won’t have problems, that gives them a sense of control. (Until the random thing happens to them…)</p>
<p>people are so uncomfortable with the randomness of life and try to believe it won’t happen to me because…I do xyz. </p>
<p>how sad that this young woman had to “educate” others to not preach to her about what she should have done, while she is simply trying to deal with such a grim health situation…</p>
<p>I agree about the peer tutor being out of her realm of knowledge, and indeed, how that isnt necessarily her fault, but this particular woman was a psych major and so, in this case, she should have had a slight clue. I think it is heartening however that there is someone FINALLY who seems to be interested. But where was this guy before the kid was so far behind the 8 ball?</p>
<p>I will also say this…(even though it’s going back a few pages)… there are a lot of disorders that have comorbid attachments. For example, some kids with ADHD also suffer from anxiety; some with Aspergers also might have OCD, or definance disorder etc. But I honestly do not believe and have not seen it written anywhere that Aspergers would be in the same realm as ADHD on any kind of neuropsychscale. Could you have one with the other? Yes, but I have two children diagnosed with ADHD - one combination type and one inattentive type, but there is nothing from either one that would suggest any kind of Aspergers syndrome. Beyond a lot of the other criteria that doesn’t fit, mY oldest especially has more empathy for other people than she sometimes has for herself! She is honestly one of the most intuitive people I know and everyone who meets her finds to be the most charming person ever. Her issue is primarily organizational and… as we now like to call it, the squirrel syndrome (if you’ve seen UP, you’ll understand). She is just easily distracted from the task at hand. But because he is not hyperactive, when she was in HS, it would just appear as if she didn’t care and yes, she would sometimes shut down when she became overwhelmed with how much she hadn’t gotten done. But she had/has tons of friends and the only drawback to that is that sometimes she let their priorities overtake hers. She has matured out of that and has finally seen her friends will not only wait for her, but gladly do so.</p>
<p>As we all know, it is the degree to which these things manifest themselves and how they impact one’s life negatively. We are all defiant at times, but in my nephew’s case, his aggressiveness towards other people really impacted his success in all areas of his life. It’s one thing to be oppositional, it’s another to inflict bodily harm on those who **** you off. :)</p>
<p>Hey Moda, when I was referring to crossovers re Aspies and ADD-Is, I was referring to the “dys-executive syndrome” issue that each share, (plus the cases of co-morbidity) and Diamond’s observations or theories about the neurochemistry of ADD-I (and how similar it is to some Aspie symptoms – in which case each has a connection with the way the uptake structures are constructed in what Diamond suspects is a prefrontal-parietal pathway or loop – b/c said structures process or pump dopamine and norepinephine too quickly).</p>
<p>From all this, I am thinking maybe that in each condition something causes a dysfunction in the pumping mechanism (and Diamond believes it’s largely genetic disposition) but that it manifests as ADD-I or Aspie or Anxiety etc. depending on WHERE the pumps affected are located ( or alternately ADHD, ODD etc., because the comorbidity of ADHD and ODD are super high, according I think to Barkley). </p>
<p>It that were true (and remember I am being an armchair neuropsychologist here, wholly unqualified to muse ) then one day we might find this broad spectrum of related brain neurochemical deficits that are location specific, that we presently call “different” conditions (and in manifestation, they ARE different) that we can actually map, locate and treat. Wouldn’t that be awesome!</p>
<p>Which then gets me excited about the work of researchers who hope that by someday making individual genome maps affordable, big pharma will be forced instead to tailor meds (not unlike compound pharmacists) thereby largely eliminating negative side effects, waste, and in some cases, deadly reactions. Hi ho!</p>
<p>CPSon is on his way to his first college spring break in Cleveland. Yep. Four of the kids are going to one of their homes and the parents seem great - actually apologized that they had to be at work so couldn’t supervise 24/7, as if parents whose kids are away at college haven’t gotten over that.</p>
<p>Decided to send an edible fruit arrangement rather than flowers to the mom, and put some $$ in S’s account with instructions to offer and/or treat. </p>
<p>This letting go is tough.</p>
<p>HistoryMom, my brother is a huge Gonzaga fan, so had to root against your D’s in last week’s tourney!</p>
<p>Yay, D home. Flight into O’Hare was delayed almost an hour; but, luckily, her flight out of O’Hare was also late. She called as she was taxiing in, and I told her her gate numbers; she ran the length of the C (United) concourse and made it 3 minutes before doors closed. Happy campers here.</p>
<p>D called around 1 to let me know her flight had arrived at JFK and she possibly had a ride home to spend the night at home. Then her flight to Reagan was cancelled. Last I heard they couldn’t get 20 kids rebooked on a flight until some future, undetermined date(group sales office conveniently closed on weekends) so they were headed for Amtrak. </p>
<p>I’ve pretty much given up hope at this point. She’s been on break this past week and out of the country- so this would have been a one night “bonus” visit and I’d have to take her back tomorrow. Train would arrive in D.C. around 12 or so- then to grounds and then home - so not looking too likely at this time. I think they’re all going to be exhausted but it was the best feeling to hear her voice saying “I had the best week of my life!”</p>
<p>The saying is " playing the cards you are dealt" or something like that. It seems that we are learnign so much now about how people learn differently, and yet so far from helping them. Missypie and CF that school should be ashamed for promising something and not delivering. I do believe in the future in part to dedicated parents this issue will get better, not easy when you are dealing with it now.
It makes me angry to hear that people tell people thay should have done this or that. Basically its hard to deal withthe randomness of life, when you have done everything medically you were supposed to and it didnt work out. I get angry when I see people smoking or mean people healthy. Or that someone needs to explain or “help” people understand their illness so they wont hurt them. as if thry werent dealing with enough. i often think “what can I learn from this” the only thing I get out of this once again major kick in the ass, is that I dont, never did, and never will have the control i seek, i can only play the cards they way they are dealt in the best possible way and hope for the best.</p>
</p>
) then one day we might find this broad spectrum of related brain neurochemical deficits that are location specific, that we presently call “different” conditions (and in manifestation, they ARE different) that we can actually map, locate and treat. Wouldn’t that be awesome!</p>