<p>ok, I will admit this here only…I am kind of a crack at hacking into my daughters accounts (god bless her, she is very uncreative at picking her passwords) she said a few things that REALLY worried me about SOME of the kids she was hanging out with and I did something I am not proud of…hacked into her FB account and read her account to someone about getting high.{ UGH…(can’t tell my dh I did this as he will be furious, rightfully so, at my invasion of her privacy)} and how much she likes this one guy (who she described as a pothead to a friend) and has made out with him. sooooo… kind of a nightmare for me. some of you may remember that my nephew is struggling with addiction to heroin…started out with pot…But perhaps this is just testing the waters of freedom, trying on new persona etc. I was hoping that she would audition for a fall play and meet people and be busy with that , but she said she was afraid to make such a huge commitment when she is adjusting to college first semester. I am hoping that once club activities get going she will meet new people …perhaps some girls!!! I am sure that just because some of these boys she has been hanging with may be stoners doesn’t mean they aren’t nice or interesting people…(in full disclosure my dh was a huge stoner in college and for all I know he still smokes occasionally-not around me-he knows how I feel about it!)</p>
<p>hollisue: Hugs. It’s so scary for us as they spread their wings and test new waters. Know that you did a good job and that she is trying out this new independence. I hope she finds new ways to occupy her time soon. As a person who comes from a family riddled with addiction, I share your fears for my kids.</p>
<p>Hollie!!! I sent BI to her room just for calling his friend to find out how sick her son was! </p>
<p>I’m very sorry but I am going to have to take away your computer privileges. :)</p>
<p>On a serious note, you are going to drive yourself sick if you keep doing that. We are not supposed to know what our kids are doing when they are away at school. And if her behavior is effecting her you will know it soon enough when you see her grades after the 1st semester.</p>
<p>Repeat to yourself: Out of sight, out of mind.</p>
<p>To clarify, I was sent to my room AND lost phone privileges for texting Bluejr’s friend to check in on him while sick…I didn’t ask for intel. Humph!! (I do this indignant teen thing pretty well, huh? 
)</p>
<p>Sorry you are aching holliesue. 
I agree that there is such a fine line between wanting to know what’s going on so we know they are okay. The problem is TMI just leads to worrying (and lots of it). In this case you are faced with not being able to ask because of the way you found out… Not making a single judgement because I’ve been there (with my older son) and it stinks…a lot. I had to learn to back away from that intel. Knowing things just brought on too many worries that were frankly unnecessary. I couldn’t resolve them because I couldn’t ask. Very rarely worth the original intel. </p>
<p>My older son probably has dozens of near miss disasters of one type or another every semester. If I knew about each one I wouldn’t be able to function. I mean that sincerely. I have a hard enough time with that kid as it is! Lol I deal with the ‘known’ and am grateful that the disasters I don’t know about fizzle out or are resolved without my stress-equity. </p>
<p>Hugs to you holliesue. It’s a process and you’ll get there! I have faith that your daughter will be fine. You’ve done you’re job, now she has to do hers.</p>
<p>@ holliesue. Dont feel too sheepish on the hacking issue. I did it upon occasion too. My kid was I know dealing with some – ahem – issues (wont go into that here), but was very stoic and quiet and keeping things to himself. Generally only spoke if spoken to. Volunteered NOTHING. Monosyllabic answers to questions. (For a kid with a genius IQ, getting two grunts out of him was the equivalent of War & Peace). So yes, I’d hack into accounts occasionally to make sure that there was nothing illegal, immoral (and yes, I have a lose definition of morality, but a strong one of integrity–and there is a difference) or dangerous going on. “Some people care too much–I think its called love”. (Winne the Pooh). Its also called parenting.</p>
<p>Until they turn 18. Then alas its called invasion of privacy. I promised myself that once he turned 18 I would turn that behavior OFF. And did. He turned 18 4 days before we dropped him off at college.</p>
<p>But I’m not all tied up in knots about having done it when I did.</p>
<p>You didn’t ask for advice on the issue, but if you don’t mind–if I were you, I’d consider stopping that. It will just eat you up. Unless you have specific signs of real problems that involve developing danger (real danger, not “what if” danger), looking to keep up with the “whats going on” is probably not in anyone’s best interests here.</p>
<p>“To clarify, I was sent to my room AND lost phone privileges for texting Bluejr’s friend to check in on him while sick…I didn’t ask for intel. Humph!! (I do this indignant teen thing pretty well, huh?”</p>
<p>I tend to go a bit overboard, according to my DH, when meting out punishment. ;)</p>
<p>I’m teasing you emilybee!! I needed the injection of humor then as I was worried about a sick kid. I hope others did/do too. Sometimes my humor can get lost in translation. :o</p>
<p>BI, I knew that. That’s why I added the <em>wink</em>.</p>
<p>Ohhhh, silly me! Winkies don’t show up on my iPhone app!</p>
<p>note to developers…this is a flaw!!</p>
<p>holliesue, sending good thoughts your way. When I was in college my mom and I wrote letters back and forth, and I occasionally called home from the pay phone in the dorm, but there wasn’t any way my parents had any real-time idea of what I was up to. Now, with so much information available in real time, it feels very weird to me that I won’t know what DS is doing when he goes away to school. I’m what my dad calls a “kleptofactomaniac”–if I know information is available, I must possess it. I unwrap presents before it’s time, I look up online the outcome of season finales as soon as they’ve aired on the East coast…it drives me crazy to know that there’s information that I <em>could</em> have that I <em>don’t</em> have. </p>
<p>I haven’t gone as far as cracking DS’s accounts, but while I’d like to say that’s 100% because I respect his privacy, it’s also because he uses crazy, uncrackable, 20+ character passwords. Can’t say the temptation isn’t there.</p>
<p>Holliesue- what you are seeing/worrying about is what crosses most of our minds at one point or another. Hang in there. I was friended by a friend of D’s during h.s. so I could cyberstalk members of her class to see what was going on so I never had to hack D’s account. I know my H survived many, many marginal/sketchy occasions-nothing I would ever want my D to experience. I hold on to some advice from another parent: What the eye doesn’t see, the heart doesn’t grieve.
Good luck, hoping that this is just a bit of first year excess.</p>
<p>“note to developers…this is a flaw!!”</p>
<p>Huge flaw! </p>
<p>I was just remembering how when we first sent boychild to sleep-away when he was merely a wee child of 7 for the whole summer and the camp posted 100’s of pictures every day. I would look through every single one, hoping for a glance of boychild to reassure me he was having fun and fitting in. Of course there were hardly any of him or so it seemed to me. By the time he was a few years down the road I rued those stupid pictures. It was a chore looking through them but if I didn’t I felt guilty. Thank god his camp never put in those stupid web cams. I finally stopped looking when he became a Senior camper. Even visiting day became a chore.</p>
<p>Good thing I have ds’ password or I wouldn’t have been able just now to deposit money into his student funds instantly - so that (ahem) he could pay for the dryer…?? Yes, ds called me from the laundry room - machines don’t take cash, only take the $ on your ID card.<br>
Holliesue - I hope she comes clean to you somehow so that you can have that conversation, even if she just talks about how “some people at college are doing xyz” - just asked ds if he had any interesting drunken experiences yet and he let me know more about how roommate is, but he is “just watching” ( 
) the drunk frats next door where some topless girls propositioned his friend and him as they were walking back to the dorm last night. Told me how his window looks out onto the frat and how he has interesting views. And THAT my friends is called “education!”</p>
<p>{{{{hugs}}}} to Holiesue! </p>
<p>You are all making me nervous! :eek: DS is out of touch for a week, so no news is good news. I’m sure he will be encountering all these things when he returns. I have faith that he will be fine, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying (Winnie the Pooh had it just right).</p>
<p>I have spent the day cleaning. So much to do and I’ve only dusted the surface. Luckily for my sanity I have friends coming to visit next weekend, so the week will be spent trying to get the house back in order after the launch of DS. I also spent some time making sure DS2 has a clean bath. Now that DS1 (the slob) is gone I know that the one cleaning of the bathroom is the only one I will have to do. DS2 will keep it looking good (the clean one).</p>
<p>Happy Labor Day to everyone. Have a glass of wine (or something stronger if necessary) or a nice cup of tea and relax and enjoy this last day of summer.</p>
<p>holliesue, sorry you have this to worry about. Having read what you did, it is more concrete for you – actual instead of probable/possible. But really, all of us are letting go and our kids could be up to all kinds of things. It’s a scary phase of parenting. </p>
<p>From what I’ve read before, your DD has a good head on her shoulders and a good relationship with you. I think that in the long run, these things are more important than the details of what she is up to, now. Hugs.</p>
<p>Same to you, VA! DH escaped from the bunker for a few hours ass we are having our friends (newly free birds) over for dinner. Steak on the grill, salad and my smash potatoes. She is bringing Skinny Girl Sangria. </p>
<p>The only bummer is that since he got home at 4 he hasn’t been off the phone. Sigh.</p>
<p>Cooker: Congrats on a successful launch. </p>
<p>Hollie: I agree with Seattle-mom that your daughter has a good head on her shoulders from everything we’ve heard about her. I know that this situation is worrisome for, but try to trust her to use good sense. Hugs.</p>
<p>Like Education2 and Emilyb I’m trying to be good empty nester and invited friends for dinner. I hope you all had a nice holiday weekend.</p>
<p>yes, I know I shouldn’t have hacked her account, believe me I know it was wrong! I do agree that TMI is not a good thing. I certainly made my share of mistakes, in fact it is amazing I didn’t get into more trouble than I did as a young adult. What I think I am struggling with is that for 18 plus years I spent trying to protect her from getting hurt…while loosening the reins in the last few years I was still there to help guide her…all of a sudden it is so strange not to be there to guide her and to know what she is doing. She is a good kid, I know that. And if her decisions lead to negative consequences she is an adult and will have to deal with what comes…</p>
<p>holliesue, you will get through this intact. I won’t reiterate what has already been said, but you have to trust that your D will follow her instincts, be mindful of her family history, and not let herself go.
I will volunteer that I, and many of my peers, experimented in college. It really and truly was just a phase, a testing of the waters, and passed once we realized it was no big deal. All of us are now professionals, parents and upright members of society.
If your D’s grades start to slip, then you have a right to inquire if she’s been socializing too much. That may open the conversation naturally to a discussion of the other topics.
Hugs to you.</p>
<p>Actually, Hollie, I’m more like you…I would probably continue to (discretely) hack her Facebook just to make sure she doesn’t end up in over her head. Personally, I wouldn’t ever be able to sleep otherwise. At this point, though, I wouldn’t do anything with the information.</p>
<p>And if it got to the problem where I was reading things that really scared me in a concrete sense, I would say something like, “I’m not naming names, but a friend’s mom mentioned to me that she heard that you are doing XY and Z…let’s sort this out.”</p>
<p>I know my sons have often done things that worried me. I have only once actually had to step in.</p>
<p>What I have done, is casually remind a son of what the expected standards of performance are…you are expected to be doing well in an expected class load…</p>
<p>Sons know we are serious about this. It certainly helps them keep undesirable behavior under control. Alcohol and pot are part of the college landscape, and while I don’t like them under any circumstances, a once-in-a-while partaking is not a crisis that would bring me in on them.</p>
<p>Knowing that they have a standard to meet gives them the out that blaming things on mom had in high school–ie., can’t hang in and smoke all night, because I need to be at the library working on my long paper, because if I don’t make grades, I will be staying home next semester–is something all students can relate to. Kids who do nothing but get stoned don’t generally stay around too long</p>