<p>I am not sure that my daughter likes the stress, although it does seem to appear that way. I am just thankful that she is learning how to handle it.</p>
<p>I really detest the whole Race to Nowhere movement. It gives an excuse for schools to dumb down high school education: get rid of rigorous classes and take away learning opportunities without actually making the schooling experience better (and in fact making it substantially worse – all of the busy work, none of the challenging material). Schools are using it as an excuse to get rid of AP classes, as the great leveler.</p>
<p>Now, my kids opted out by choosing a highly selective magnet high school. It’s certainly not the be-all and end-all of academic experiences, but D’s friends tell her how little work they have and how little they are learning in classes. Kids aren’t any less stressed out because they feel the need to go all out with ECs. </p>
<p>^^^ Just the opposite here. My D2 has so much HW (some of it good, but a lot of it just busy-work!) that it crowds out other activities. It was even worse for my D1, when she was in HS, because she was a slower worker than D2 and needed more time to focus on each task. </p>
<p>I especially resent it when the schools assign big projects over breaks (e.g., Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break). I feel like the overwhelming HW load is stealing away time for family and personal development. It also saps kids’ energy for the stuff they really love to do (ECs like Latin JCL and music for my D1; birding and dance for my D2), and keeps them from exploring and finding more stuff that they might love. </p>
<p>One of the best things about college (per my D1, who is a college freshman) is that she has much more flexibility in what courses to take and can focus on what <em>she</em> wants to learn.</p>
<p>Even though I’m not sure that eustress and distress are so easily separated, this is very interesting and I’m going to give it some considered thought. My youngest seems to be wired the way twogirls’ D is wired. She seems to thrive under the stress and it boosts performance…but at a cost. There’s a perfectionism that underlies this performance that both drains and infuses. I’m always watching for burnout and distress here. This may sound weird but what I hadn’t really considered was the upside for her. She’s looking at a very demanding schedule for next year and my immediate reaction was to try to dissuade her. She took this as a sign of no-confidence. </p>
<p>Twogirls, I also have different personalities here, all raised in the same house. Eldest had no interest in grades, no interest in competition–drove us kind of crazy. Middle dd is a consistent and steady worker but does not kill herself with work even now in college. She seems to have a good balance. Youngest D is more the way H and I were in school so I guess it was inevitable that these traits would show up in one of the three. I remember D in K or 1st grade, starting to write and erasing the first arc because it wasn’t perfect, starting over and over, until it looked the way she envisioned it. She’s calmed down a lot since then but it gives you some insight. She’s smart but also very grade conscious. She came home with a 90 on a very difficult math test and I congratulated her. She rolled her eyes at me and said, “this is not something to crow about.” But she’s also very self-driven and enjoys what she learns. If it were just a matter of being at the top, she could work less and do well. She gets involved and can’t seem to stop. I want to support that spark while also conveying the message over and over again that it’s ok to stumble, that stumbling is a good thing.</p>
<p>Just got an email from the coordinator at the science center that D applied to take AP Chem at next year. She has been accepted into the program. She will be a happy girl! Class meets twice a week from 3 pm till 5:30.
She is a little concerned that during softball season, she will miss practice and may be late to games. As both h and I pointed out to her, she is one of the best players on the team. She has already decided she doesn’t want to play in college, so she has to make her choices bearing that in mind.</p>
<p>@mihcal1, I would have a stomping fit if D’s school assigned projects or homework over breaks. D’s school says that breaks are for family time. Period. </p>
<p>@ Sally22- Congrats to your D. My D had to reduce dance obligations the 1st few weeks of school, then the dance company began offering Sunday classes as so many of the high school aged members were dropping out or reducing their dance time. It’s working well for us. I hope your D can juggle softball & the AP Chemistry class.</p>
<p>BunHeadMom you are lucky. During the winter break my daughter had 6 tests and 3 projects to do. Two of the projects were extra credit which she did despite the fact that her average in those classes is a 100. The week before the break she had 9 tests- not sure how because she only has 6 classes. They get a lot of work. During the summer my daughter has 2 weeks after camp ends but before school starts. She goes to her pre- season field hockey practices but is home by 10:30. That’s when she starts complaining about how bored she is and admitted to me that although her school work can get crazy, that’s what she enjoys doing. She has ECs such as yearbook and student council, but none that keep her super busy 30+ hours per week. Some of her friends are on the dance team which meets 12 hours per week, plus they take 10 hours per week of dance classss and spend the entire weekend practicing for shows. They dance over 35 hours per week, plus have hard classes.</p>
<p>This is a great discussion, and a very timely one for me, I think. When D left for school this morning she was looking a little down. When I asked if she was okay, she answered “yeah…just feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed out.” I know she tends to internalize stress, but I also think I should be paying more attention to her cues. Thank you all for reminding me of that. I found out that Netflix has the Race to Nowhere movie and I’m going to watch it tonight. It sounds interesting. </p>
<p>My husband and I have to laugh about the differences between our kidsD brings home an A and complains “but I wasn’t the best in the class!” while S would bring home a C and when we asked if he could have done better he would answer “but I wasn’t the worst in the class!”</p>
<p>@herandhismom, first chair is good…even if it is only chair. D is fifth chair flute but gets third chair bragging rights because there are three seniors who share the first chair position. She likes that because she says, “third just sounds so much better than fifth chair; if you’re competing you get a medal for third for but nothing for fifth.”</p>
<p>@Sally22, the science center concept sounds really neat. How does that work? It’s so hard to fit lab classes (especially multiple lab classes) into D’s high school schedule since they are scheduled for one-and-a-half periods rather than just one like all the other classes.</p>
<p>@Twogirls, does getting exercise like her field hockey practice help with your daughter’s stress? D says she can tell the difference in how she feels when she’s not been dancing or running.</p>
<p>@Suzy100, I feel very lucky with D. I was a moody teenager myself, and I know I drove my poor mother crazy. Our S gave us fits when he was in high school, and I keep waiting for D to go through that stage. But so far she’s been remarkably steady and fun to be around. I sometimes think that the fates recognized that another adolescent like S might just have sent me over the edge.</p>
<p>@Bunheadmom, I wish D’s company had thought to do something like that. Her company class disbanded last year because as the girls got into high school they just got too busy for the extra company class during the week. These girls had been dancing together since they were in second or third grade, and D really misses it. She has orchesis and takes a pointe class twice a week but it’s just not the same. </p>
<p>On the other hand, she has one friend who’s in a pre-pro program and her schedule is nuts…similar to what @twogirls described. A Sunday afternoon company class would have been a great compromise.</p>
<p>That being said, she is preparing a Bollywood dance with a friend for the spring variety show at school. She came home from practicing yesterday with pains in muscles she never knew she had. We thought it was interesting how the different styes used completely different sets of muscles.</p>
<p>I think therapy might be working… She is in a good mood AND she is leaving the house from 7:20 until about 8:45 to tutor. The sessions will normally be on Sunday ( this is a new job) but the boy is having some difficulty so she is going tonight. She has a quiz Friday in chem- she has been having a test every week but this is a quiz. Normally she would flip out about leaving but tonight she looked at me and said " it’s ok for me to go even though I have a quiz Friday, right?" She has an A+ average and it is soo not necessary to study today for a small quiz on Friday. She understands the material and will be fine. I am so relieved that she is happy to leave the house…</p>
<p>Do your kids have breaks? My D. was supposed to have a spring break but they may use many days during that week to make up snow days. Her friends other places (her summer camp friends) are having at least one week of break, some have 2 weeks.</p>
<p>Yes, D has spring break @ end of March. She plans to use it to get herself ready for upcoming AP exams. No school visits here (yet)… We decided to take more careful approach visiting schools that we may or may not be able to pay for. We learned our lessons from S1 and S2’s college process.</p>
<p>FromMD- I understand. We are only visiting our state schools ( which are affordable to us) or OOS that give merit aid to bring down the cost. My kids can only go to OOS with enough merit aid. Thankfully they both have nice in state choices. Thanks for reminding me about AP exams for NEXT year ( mine has no AP now) - makes me happy that we started looking early as mine may not want to leave the house if she has to study.</p>
D is fifth chair flute but gets third chair bragging rights because there are three seniors who share the first chair position. She likes that because she says, “third just sounds so much better than fifth chair; if you’re competing you get a medal for third for but nothing for fifth.”</p>