<p>Bunhead I am sorry that you have gone through this with your daughter but am happy to hear that she is doing well now. My daughter is also type A which landed her in therapy last year so she would learn how to take breaks. It sounds crazy but now she works for 45 minutes and then takes a 5 minute break. She has the ability to work for 12 hours straight without stopping. I was proud of her for going out this past weekend- she had a lot going on and still managed to get everything done. I pointed that out to her.</p>
<p>Last night she stopped herself from having a huge meltdown. She had a mini one instead. She has a US research paper to write and she is narrowing down the topic and she needs to talk to the teacher. Yesterday she got to extra help late ( attending a different extra help) to ask her question and he just left. He must have thought nobody was coming but if extra help ends at 3 then he should have stayed, realizing that kids have clubs that last 20 min and then they go to extra help. She will ask him her questions today.</p>
<p>Bunhead I understand snobs because my community is filled with them. They would prefer to spend $40,000 + on another states -state school simply for the “status” factor. People in my community actually feel sorry for you if you go to our state schools. My older daughter is at one and I graduated from two ( BA,MA) and I can attest to the fact that my education was excellent.</p>
<p>She knows the drill- either a state school or merit aid to help bring down the cost. The funny part about these snobs is that some of them agree to the schools and then admit they can’t pay for them. I have no problem with kids going to schools that are not our in-state options. What I have an issue with is when they feel sorry for kids that go as though this is something terrible. My daughter is at a state school right now with several kids from the Carolina’s, Vermont, and Pennsylvania. I actually spoke to some of these parents who told me that this school in the " one horse town" was recommended to them by their GC for being one of the top schools for their major. So there you have it snobs!!</p>
<p>Bunhead my daughter hangs out ( although none of them really hang) with kids who all talk about going to IVy League or schools such as Georgetown. Even if my daughter gets in, these schools give no merit and honestly I can’t afford the $55,000 price tag. We fall in that gap: can’t afford $50,000 for school and will not get financial aid. We could do loans but I would prefer not to go that route because my daughter talks about being a pediatrician so medical school may be a reality- we need to keep undergrad costs reasonable. We have in state schools with early assurance medical schools. One guarantees admission when you apply as a graduating senior ( need to check this out just in case I was delirious when I read it) and the other allows you to apply as a college sophomore. Regardless, each has it’s perks such as skipping the mcats etc. These programs will definitely be on our radar should my kid be instate. </p>
<p>Last year our val and sal went to two Ivy League schools. It was very stereo typical ( spell?) according to my kid. I keep thinking that if she is number 1 or 2 ( I have no clue at this point) that she will be the only one where it is announced that she is going to our state school and everybody will GASP with pity! I am just making a joke- I don’t know where she falls.</p>
<p>Thanks BunheadMom for the list on college visits. I need the help.</p>
<p>I know I’ve had to work very hard to keep the elite college/Ivy snobbery to a minimum - within my own family. Unfortunately, there was a tacit understanding that the top 10 schools were the only schools in existence. It’s paid off. Now my siblings know that we don’t do CTY, national or international academic competitions, and there are no PSAT expectations. My siblings are good people but it was tiring when I would get stuff on giftedness, high achievers, competitive summer programs, etc. They just assumed that all kids were like that? The cousins themselves are okay with D, they just hang together at holiday dinners.</p>
<p>The funny thing is my brother is actually pretty understanding - maybe because he has a son who went to a CTCL school. He’s warned me that it is harmful for D to hang out with the “top 10 at any cost” students and even worse for me to talk to the moms. </p>
<p>But then, I run into the craziness like above. (I ran it by my siblings and they all thought it weird and overkill as you all did). D sometimes feels I don’t think she’s smart because I discourage the crazy curriculum. </p>
<p>In other news, D started driver’s ed yesterday. A private company gives classes after school at her high school.</p>
<p>Our Val from last year is going to SUNY Geneseo along with 2 others from the top end of the class. It had the opposite effect on me. I didn’t gasp, I thought, wow has Geneseo gotten that good? So I looked into it and saw that it’s pretty darn good. I’m trying to convince D to consider it. I think she can play sports there plus they allow freshmen to have cars. It’s cold but doesn’t snow any more than here bc it’s in the valley. D has this stigma against going upstate. It has nothing to do with SUNY schools and everything to do with geography.</p>
<p>Oh and that Val got into Williams but her parents couldn’t afford it. Those girls from our school are loving it at Geneseo.</p>
<p>Bunhead…I love the analogy of having a two year old back in the house. D and I have battled more in the last month than we have in years and it could be that independence thing. Thanks for pointing that out.</p>
<p>Keepme back in my day Geneseo was a huge " party school" LOL. Now Geneseo is neck in neck with Binghamton. It is a top school. We visited last year and I thought it had a very cute college town- my daughter did not love the school but I am hoping it was because she was a sophomore and was not into looking at schools. I would love for it to be on the list. </p>
<p>It is quite refreshing to hear that your schools top kids chose a SUNY.</p>
<p>My D1 was Val went to our state flagship, the sal also went to a state school. Not as uncommon as you think. Both received significant merit $'s and are very happy.</p>
<p>They’re juniors. They’re not applying anywhere yet. Talk to me in a year when they actually have their SAT scores in hand and have figured out the NPC. Going through this with DC#1, we found there was a lot of “top 10 or bust” chatter during junior year and that by midway through senior fall the state flagship all the sudden got a lot more acceptable in common parlance. To be frank (and snarky), some of the kids who did the most talking about all the great places they were going to go ended up with some of the least impressive placements. </p>
<p>My undergraduate school’s motto is “Prodesse quam conspici”, which translates roughly as “to accomplish rather than to seem conspicuous” (or, in the athletics translation, “stop trash talking and play”). It’s good advice now and later on in life. </p>
<p>BHG is looking at some great schools with fantastic undergraduate teaching. And I’m willing to hazard a guess that the mythical HYPS will not close their doors between now and 2020. Thus, they’re all still in play for grad school (which is the better way to experience H in any event). </p>
<p>SOG, I totally agree with you, but many of her friends are applying to HYPS, as they are seniors this year, although BHG is only a junior. Her on again and off again best friend is one of them. In addition, yes, BunHeadGirl discovered a ton of wonderful schools to visit this year and apply to next fall. The majority of schools on her list are similar in some way or fashion, but also different. Each school fits her personality on paper, of course-wink, and it does not hurt each school offers several majors of interest. I hope the list does not change much from now until BHG submits her last application. How many other schools similar to Bennington or Sarah Lawrence can there possibly be out there?</p>
<p>I so appreciate you all talking about your kids and the issues they are dealing with. It is good to know we aren´t alone in some of those things, but it frustrates me that the kids have so much stress on them. There really isn´t a lot of talk of Iveys in our area, at least not that I hear. D has one good friend who would like to go to Harvard. I think most kids expect to go to a state school. We don´t have a valedictorian but a couple of our top kids went to Clemson, GA Tech, and our own state flagship last year. I have no idea where else they may have applied though.<br>
I do think CC is a double edged sword in that way. Its great to have this community, but CC is known for having a high percentage of high achievers and it does sometimes color our impression of what expectations are.
I think D does feel some pressure to go to a ´good´ school, whatever that may mean, but I think she mostly wants a good fit. The problem is that the good fit means a school that she thinks has mostly academically minded kids, is small, and has a good science program…I don´t think any of those schools qualify as safeties, so, even though she doesn´t want an HYP, there is still pressure to get those scores and grades. Even our state flagship has gotten to be very difficult to get in, with some high stats kids not making it in.</p>
<p>D woke up feeling better this morning…less still, less sore.</p>
<p>I am not good at wisdom sharing but as a third timer going thru this process, I’d like to offer a couple of suggestions to those of you going thru for the first time. Looking back, I do recall being totally freaked out with the first one, somewhat less stressed (but still stressed) with the second, and finding myself oddly calm (so far anyway) with the third. </p>
<p>1) Tame your/your kid’s expectations about admissions. As Mihcal1 said up thread, it is a brutal process. For many high performing kids (like yours I’m sure), this maybe the first time they are being told “no.” It is hard on kids but not any easier for the parents. There’s no question about it. Be ready to talk to them about “it’s really ok and life really goes on.” </p>
<p>2) “Applying” to schools and being able to get in/send your kids are two different things. Don’t’ pay no attention to kids/other parents taking big name schools. It creates more anxiety and stress (like we don’t have enough)… It really doesn’t matter at this point. As SOG said, run your own race… </p>
<p>3) Have a very clear picture on how much you can/can’t pay. Do not put yourself in a position where you are forced to say “no” after your kid gets in to his/her dream school. It makes things that much worse… Money should not be a secondary factor particularly if your child plans to continue his/her education after college. Look at the whole picture, not just 4 years of college. For those kids, college is a stop, not the final destination. </p>
<p>I also learned, even with countless rejection letters and unbearable stresses, life goes on. So, don’t get too stressed!</p>
<p>Good advice! Really enjoy reading about your past experience and share your wisdom. </p>
<p>
Exactly. My D’s school post people who go to different colleges. Juniors go to the board and say “oh, but I want to go to Yale. How come nobody goes to Yale?”
I feel we are doing the opposite. maybe a bit too much - I just don’t feel comfortable even talking about which colleges she should apply, until she gets her SATs.</p>
<p>Juniors here pay for their PSAT. D. just told me she paid some money. I don’t remember how much. (She paid out of her own tutor money.) It’s not too much. When she took it last year, the school paid. It was required that all sophomores take it, not required for juniors.</p>
<p>Even back in the dark ages when I went to college, the val went to Binghamton. It was a good school and with a regents scholarship it was possible to go for free. Not surprisingly, Cal and UCLA are considered top choices in this neck of the woods.</p>
<p>The GCs here are constantly trying to educate students and parents about colleges outside the few, intensely competitive schools that draw thousands and thousands of applications each year. It really surprises me how little awareness there is here as to different types of schools–no one had heard of Grinnell or Macalaster and places like McGill are considered too different and unfamiliar.</p>
<p>It seems pretty universal that kids and parents feed on the chatter that surrounds college admissions and as a result the pressure ratchets up for all…especially if we let it. Every single kid my D knows has had SAT and/or math tutoring for years. Years! The lists of activities are endless and there are a few who are already being recruited by coaches. I have to repeat ad nauseum that it is best to ignore all the chatter and run your own race–or better yet, enjoy your own journey with all the stops and twists and turns along the way. </p>
<p>The hard part is when the kids get competitive with each other in the way BunHeadMom described. I drove D and a friend to an activity last year and listened to the friend brag about herself for about 10 minutes straight. When she was done bragging about her accomplishments and how brightly her celebrity star shone at the high school, she started talking about how people in their class didn’t even know who my D was. My grip on the steering wheel tightened so much that my knuckles were gleaming. It wasn’t enough to self-promote? She wasn’t happy until she knocked another kid down? </p>
<p>I have to confess that I have a strong and very unfair bias against the most competitive schools that I have to work to suppress. I continue to have a fantasy that these places are populated with these types of kids and I don’t want my D to (1) become one of them and/or (2) be diminished by the constant flow of negative messages aimed her way. Intellectually I know it’s not true but I have a very hard time suppressing a wince when anyone suggests an HYPS type school to D.</p>
<p>@3girls, what kind of kids you think the completitive schools are populated with (and you don’t like)? You think HYPS are filled with kids that are not good? (Sorry I’m sure it comes out wrong. but I would like to hear from you)</p>
<p>I agree with the others, FromMD, great advise that I need to begin following. It’s hard when your personal circle and that of your child all think top 10-20 colleges and universities, and that is all you hear day in and day out. I’m becoming a true hermit this year because I don’t want to hear it–lol. </p>
<p>I think things will calm down a bit once this current class submits their applications for this cycle, but unfortunately will begin again in the fall. it’s the community I reside in, and nothing is going to change. I’m in one of the top two school districts in my state, and many of Liv’s friends attend the top 3 private schools in our state that each send kids to hyps each year. I’m the one with the small house in my area, although paid off-smile.</p>
<p>Herandhismom, that was really just a call for someone to step up and tell me how wrong I am. It’s an unfair prejudice that I have a very hard time with.</p>
<p>In my narrow little universe, the kids who go to the HYPS schools are the ones whose parents are uber wealthy, athletes, those with powerful connections, and almost always the ones who seem to stand up and proclaim, “LOOK AT ME!” Yes, there are some quiet, brilliant kids who “slip through the cracks” lol, but they seem to be the exception not the rule. The kids who get in are not only not smarter than the ones who don’t but they’re often less impressive in total.</p>
<p>To play devil’s advocate, my narrow little universe is one of those pockets that’s overrepresented in the applicant pool. There are surely other kids from other places who round out the HYPS populations. </p>
<p>My problem is that reflexively, I tend to want to keep a number of schools off D’s list and I’m told by my H, his family, my family–even my older daughters, and friends that I’m being unfair to her.</p>
<p>3Girls2Cats, Do you live in my neighborhood? And again, I agree with you too, Macalester in my lovely state of MN, and Grinnell right below us in IA, are WONDERFUL institutions that everyone states would have close to single digit admission rates if they were on either coasts, especially the East coast. Carleton, MN would best Williams and Amherst with Grinnell in the #1 spot, and Macalester in the #2 spot. St. Olaf, MN would be in the top 20-30, Lawrence U, WI alongside Gustavus Adolphus would break top 50 if only these great schools were well east of the Mississippi. </p>
<p>I had to sing the Mississippi song as the spelling did not look quite right-- Mi squiggly line squiggly line I hunch back hunch back–well you get the picture. </p>
<p>And I’m saddened, 3Girls, that your daughter also is dealing with the mean competitiveness BHG is subjected to. I have no bitterness against anyone that endeavors to attend any of the HYPS, and top 10 LACs. I just wish the attitudes of the students were more humbling. BHG has no desire what so ever to attend any of those schools based on how kids in her cohort are currently acting.</p>
<p>I think looking at the Naviance acceptance history pages can be a real eye-opener for a lot of kids. </p>
<p>It seems that in my kids’ school the kids are a lot less ego-inflated. There is no one who is certain that they will be admitted to a top school. Even the fairly cocky boys tend to be humble on this score. Perhaps it’s all the grade deflation.</p>
