I don’t love the conflation of alcohol/drugs with sex. To my way of thinking, a healthy adult could go a whole life without the former, not the latter. I think that young people should be learning responsible sexuality in a graduated way, but I’m fine with substance free as a goal.
I’ve seen straightedge on CC referring to no drinking or drugs, but not sex. I had never heard of it before. I think the terms actually describes my D. She has friends who DO drink and DO smoke weed, go to parties, etc. but is not interested in any of that. If her school had a substance-free dorm, I’m sure she’d have looked into it. Technically, ALL dorms at her college are anyway, but she saw drinking when she was there overnight. She was invited to participate, and declined. Hopefully that good sense will continue to serve her well once she lives there.
D has had a couple of small drinks before - both times with us, her parents - but in general does not drink, and claims she has no interest in drinking.
I have half a glass of red most nights, and my husband occasionally makes himself a martini. We’ve given her sips of alcohol as a teen so she can see what it tastes like. She doesn’t like it.
I think it’s very important to teach teens MODERATION with alcohol. However, I have, of course, no problem with abstaining altogether.
We’ve tried to be very direct and honest in our discussions with her about alcohol, drugs, sex…
Her older sister, my step-daughter, has had some serious issues with substance abuse that has also caused her to make life-changing decisions that weren’t always for the best. We’ve been very candid with D about this matter, and so has her sister (who is now trying to get her life back on track).
Yes, these conversations can be uncomfortable, but for me, the alternative is a naivety or ignorance that does not necessarily serve a young person well.
Stepdaughter’s mother, in her teen years, never talked with her candidly about these things, but simply told her not to do them. Well, that didn’t serve her well…
back in the 80’s it was this punk thing (there were t’shirts and tattoos with a big letter X)-- but keep in mind the sex thing then was a reaction against the drugs, alcohol and promiscuity of the 70s club scenes- it wasn’t an abstinence issue but focus on safe sex and non-promiscuity. It made great sense as the HIV crisis was a new thing So today, it has a different connotation.
@oneundecided - thank you! That is helpful context.
Yes, @BeeDAre , I’ve always been open and honest with my kids-telling them that there are no stupid or bad questions, keeping the conversations going. My older D also made some poor choices as an older teen, despite all of that, which I believe has informed my youngest’s decisions to some extent. That’s why we take such a leap of faith sending them off ANYWHERE, be it an hour away or across the country. At some point, you have to hope that what you did sticks, and sometimes it doesn’t, even if you think you did everything “right”. I know this from painful personal parenting experience. That’s what makes this all so scary for me.
Re: drinking in moderation. I’ve found it VERY helpful to talk nuts & bolts with both of our kids, and we started early!
That is, what’s a serving size for “one drink” for spirits, beer, and wine? How much can someone your weight and gender drink in one hour (without getting drunk)? On an empty stomach? How about with food? If you’ve had one drink, how long do you have to wait to have a second?
What are some strategies you can use in a party situation where drinks are being pushed on you, to slow down your drinking? What happens when someone consumes too many drinks, too quickly, for their liver to clear? Does drinking coffee sober you up? What are the signs of intoxication to look for in yourself (one red flag is the urge to drink more, and ordering the next drink before you’ve finished the one in front of you)? In others? What exactly should you do if you suspect you’ve had too much? If a friend has had too much? Why is it important to have a drinking strategy AHEAD OF TIME, instead of making it up as the night goes along?
@zimmum It looks like the dorms there close on May 13th
http://www.drury.edu/housing/Campus-Housing-Break-Information
Spring semester ends on May 12th
http://www.drury.edu/academic-affairs/academic-calendar#Spring2017
so you need to book a return flight that departs May 13th
And we found out day before yesterday my S was accepted into a leadership program at RIT. Now instead of needing to be there for honors orientation on 8/13 his arrival is pushed up to 8/2.
Less than 6 weeks left at home and all of a sudden my wife has realized how quickly time is winding down.
It does mean 2 trips for us in 2 weeks as it’s bee recommended to us that we go back for family orientation during normal orientation in mid-August.
Anyone know how to stop the “off to college” countdown clock :((
I think it helps than parents give kids a good example. Or bad in some cases. My father in law was a smoker. Both of his sons never smoked.
We have a drink or two during family celebrations. Both our kids had options to try it at home, and both hated how it tastes. Both of them are terrified with the possibility of losing control that comes with drinking. My biggest concern is not that D will start drinking in college, but that somebody can put something in her drink. That is why I repeatedly tell her to never take open drink from anyone and always keep an eye on her drinks.
@3scoutsmom thanks for the link! I spend most evenings on the website scouting around for useful information of some sort or another but I’m so overwhelmed with everything I must have missed that! Thanks for the help!!
@dbjs70 I actually let out a little gasp when I read your post. Such good news for your son, but yes, I’d like to find out how to slow down time too.
D has “partied” but I believe very little and that she has been open with me on what took place. I’ve given plenty of lectures, but I think my best bet is to lead by example. For instance, I got invited to a casual friend’s birthday sunset cruise last weekend. I knew there would be a lot of drinking and it didn’t sound like fun; it sounded exhausting. I declined despite strong encouragement from a closer friend. D was around for the conversation and afterwards shared how disappointed she is when friends insist drinking/smoking weed (more popular here than underage drinking) is needed to have fun.
Finally, per Urban Dictionary…
Straight Edge
Originated from the punkrock/hardcore scene. The philosophy/life-choice that humans should have strength, pride, dignity, honor, and self respect; that they shouldn’t engage in activities that are a disgrace to their minds and bodies. (such as ingesting and/or becoming addicted to harmful substances for fun, lying and/or being two-faced, and sharing your body sexually with another person when there isn’t even a true emotional bond there)
Straight Edge sounds a little sanctimonious to me as it is written here, but could be an interesting starting point on what is “self-respect” with my DD.
Based on this whole straightedge thing, yeah I definitely fit it. I have never drank or smoked or even held hands with a guy. But do I like the label? Not particularly but I’m not a huge fan of being labeled
Are you planning not do any of those in college? If so I will trade daughters with your parents. 
@texaspg drink- no smoke- no date- maybe/who knows
It will be okay @dbjs70 ! These are all good changes. Hard to take, but still good. Try to focus on what is gained instead of what is lost.
Traditional-aged college students are having lots of conversations these days about identity labels. I’m not surprised that some “Hello, my name is” peel-n-stick badges now have space for your chosen pronouns. I’m “she, her, hers.”
The ol’ straightedge moniker, just like any labels within a culture or subculture, is debated, diced, sliced, and spindled. There are degrees within straightedge, even a branch (strain?) that identifies as white-supremist (think a Nazi skinhead-style). The Urban Dictionary can supply varied definitions of any label, with fascinating gradations. You can shop for the one/s you like most. Lots of different authors and voices in hive-generated dictionaries.
The straightedge-ish approach to college-life our D16 is taking includes no substance abuse (drugs, alcohol, tobacco), no casual sex, no hate. But, she’s not punk. She loves to eat meat and is not a vegan (veganism part of the straightedge debate/discussion). Still, presenting herself with the straightedge label to deflect misplaced peer pressure seems to be useful to her as a shorthand.
Kids these days…
Had a bit of a blip today. D got her room and roommate assignment,but the listed roommate wasn’t the person she’d chosen. turns out that girl never sent in all the paperwork for “on-time” roommate assignments, so now she is in the pool of leftovers. D was assigned a girl she met at Scholar’s Weekend, who she remembered as being “very outgoing and bubbly”. Well, there’s two of a feather. The other girl goes to bed later than D-but then almost everyone does. She said she’ll try to be quiet and D will try to learn to take naps. They’ve been talking all evening by text the girl does feel kind of bad though, since the school group chat has been full of dorm conversations and D and her original roommate had been bonding over how they were going to do their room, supporting each other during prom craziness and so on.
In 48 hours we’ll be having a late dinner in celebration of D’s graduation…she hasn’t yet gone to an hourly countdown on her door chalkboard, but I sense it coming.
I deleted the high school app from my Ipad last night. After my phone update I will delete it from that as well. It’s time to move on. It’s harder than expected.
I’m having a really hard time with this transition. And oddly, the thing that has me saddest is how much I will miss this year’s students in my classes. I feel this way every year, but I feel it extra with this group.