@dyiu13 I think the best thing you can do is tell D that you feel strongly about this for her own safety’s sake.
I know this was quite a way back in the thread but @Ballerina016 Trader Joe’s also carries Quick Cook Steel Oats which can be prepared in the microwave. I like it very much.
@dyiu13 hoping that the light of a new day has brought you some clarity. We do not have a contract like you mentioned. Just trusting that our D16 will make wise choices for herself and learn from her not-so-wise ones, as we did when we were college students. Heck, we’re still learning!
We had our 2nd Sunday phone call since move in. He was in the middle of playing ping pong in the common room while he spoke to us. He sounded happy and relaxed. He went to his 1st football game (ever!) on Saturday and to the museum yesterday. Classes seem ok so far. Food is just eh, but he is surviving. I’m glad that he sounds like he’s settling in. I’m looking forward to seeing him at the end of the month for Parents Weekend.
I probably wouldn’t know if he did anything that I’d think would compromise his personal safety unless he told me about it himself. And I don’t think that he would tell me unless he wanted to discuss it for some reason. I have to trust that he is making sound decisions for himself now that he’s not within view. I’d drive myself crazy otherwise!
I’m hoping DH, D16, and I can have a solid phone call about her personal safety today. It’s not along the lines of drinking, a tattoo, staying out late at party, or anything like that. While I can’t name exactly what she did that we instructed her not to do without blowing her confidentiality, it’s more along this type of thing as best as I can conjure hypothetical parallel behavior:
- Taking a run alone at dusk in a remote (and unfamiliar) park trail where there were attacks, a rape, and a both a mauling and a killing of people by a pack of feral dogs this past summer, and not even knowing where she was. And turned off phone, after we told her not to go.
- Taking an 8-mile ramble alone one afternoon through the country's largest open-air heroin market where there were three shootings on Friday and 23 on Saturday (etc), and her not even knowing where she was. And turned off phone, after we told her not to go.
- Hitchhiking alone 15 miles across an unknown route back to campus at night because she didn't want to spend money on a cab or the inconvenience of the one safe option for public transportation we said she could use. And she turned off phone, after we told her she could not hitchhike.
Yea. That level of naivete. She’s a mix of mature and immature, just due to her unique history. She’s very independent, but still inexperienced in many arenas. Like I said, we don’t have many expectations or rules that are unreasonable. Basically, go to class, do your homework, do office hours, stay healthy in mind/body/mood, find a summer job, treat your community members right, use your LD services.
And those aren’t even rules, really (except the summer job). If she doesn’t abide by those, she’ll just experience their natural consequences, scenarios we have discussed with her (like moving back home if she flunks out or needs a medical withdrawal).
However, this one personal safety rule…is a rule. She needs to understand that. I can’t imagine DH and I saying, fine, do what you want on this one issue.
Still, I’m open to others’ insights. And I do know my teenaged-self survived, miraculously.
@dyiu13 College student insight- She’s probably exploring her new found freedom. Be glad she told you what she did. A lot of college students would not. I agree having a conversation to set the expectation is important but explaining WHY you have this no exceptions rule may be even more important. Once she realizes how vital it is to her safety and that you only insist on it because you love her so much, then hopefully she will follow it.
I’ve always found it helpful to ask myself, regarding any particular situation, whether I have any real control over it, and if so, how much/how little. Often, it’s no control, but I have to make good use of my potential influence/opinion/advise.
Another thing I’ve found helpful is to ask myself what my reaction would be, what would I say or not say, if it were a friend of my children, a niece or nephew, the kid of a good friend, etc. I’ve found anxiety & fear, because it’s MY kid, can ramp up substantially, and I’m not able to look at the situation the same way I’d look at it if it were someone else’s kid.
And, another mental exercise is to imagine laying down the law on something, and then imagining one of the kids refusing to abide by said law. What is the behavioral incentive for the kid? To hide the behavior from the us? If something very bad were to happen, would the kid be unable to come forward and ask for help?
There are no easy answers.
On a practical note, we had both kids, D13 & D16, download the Uber App and link it to our credit card. I told the kids, please don’t make a decision that risks your personal safety because you’re too frugal to spend $5-10 on a cab/Uber/Lift yourself.
The previous summer, as part of one of our D’s therapy sessions, we did a few group sessions. Those group sessions tore me up. I listened to parents share some serious, serious problems with their teens, which made our own problems with our teen seem like a nice walk in the park. I don’t know how in the world those parents got any sleep at night or how they managed to function at work or take care of their other kids. It was humbling, and it really hit me between the eyes that there is only so much we can do. It gave me a lot to think about, and how I envisioned our parent/child relationship as she transitions into adulthood & full independence.
Hang in there! Hugs!
I agree with @readingclaygirl that she’s trying out her new found freedom. We don’t have a contract with my son other than maintaining his scholarships or he will return home to complete his education. That includes maintaining scholarships academically and adhering to the Honors code . Maybe if you present it as “courtesy” to let you know what’s going on with her rather than as a control issue ( her perception , not mine) , she’d be more willing to open up and make better choices. I’m sure that if she couldn’t reach you or your husband, she’d be worried and concerned. Maybe if you present it that way, she’d be more willing to consider your point of view. I would be careful about threatening to pull her home though. Also, isn’t she going to school for SW. Ask her what her advice to a client would be in this situation.
@dyiu13 Those are some very serious examples with which to compare your DD’s choice of actions. Kids really do believe they are invincible. I would tend to agree with @readingclaygirl …the fact that she told you is huge! I’m of the belief that she told you because it scared her to death and she wanted to let you know (in a roundabout way) that you were right. My hubby and I are giving you and your hubby a big hug right now. The first time you see her, start with a huge hug full of “we love you” and then go from there [-O<
“Also, isn’t she going to school for SW. Ask her what her advice to a client would be in this situation.”
@carolinamom2boys This is very good advice!!
Spending the day on yard work, chewing all this over in my head. My goals: I want her to explore her new freedom. I don’t want her to stop communicating. I don’t want to make her walk on eggshells fearing she’ll lose our support. I can show her the crime data, maps, and plan for how to respond to a threat to personal safety or a violent or property crime. I will ask her what “appropriate freedom” “looks like” to her. And what rights and responsibilities she wants and needs to be an independent college student.-- Will keep thinking how to move ahead.
Dyiu13, I don’t know if this may be appropriate but I got my D16 some pepper spray before she left and I’m considering a small taser. It may offer some small protection in case she is ever in a dangerous situation.
My son also purchased pepper spray for DD. You can order it on Amazon.
@dyiu13 I think your goals and ideas posted above are good ones. I always worry that my kids don’t take personal safety as seriously as I do. In fact, when visiting my D in her current (small) city last week, DH and I told her we did not like her walking alone at night. Not sure she will listen but I will always speak up about safety concerns.
@psychmomma Re your post 24527 - I could have written that (except for the painting part). My S is like Fort Knox with the information. We had a call with him last night but it was pulling teeth to get any information. Overall, I guess things are fine. At least I know he has clean clothes since he did call me on Saturday with laundry questions.
So, I told myself I was going to tough it out until fall break and not come home for Labor Day weekend…but then yesterday, after an incredibly rough week (on the homesickness front), I texted my parents about how sad & homesick I was and my dad offered to come get me & then drive me back up Monday night. In a moment of weakness…I caved and said yes. So I spent today at home and am getting ready to drive back in a few hours…already tearing up at the thought of leaving again. REALLY hoping I didn’t make the wrong choice! 
Awe sweetheart, it’s okay @redandblack. You are blessed to be that close and to have parents that will come and get you. One day at a time. It’s gonna be okay.
It’s okay @redandtheblack my roommate went home super homesick and she’s back now and doing fine. You have to do what feels right for you. In other news, a girl from my floor I’m friendly with left in an ambulance. I don’t know what happened but I do know she has some medical issues.
@livinginLA We did something similar and got her a personal alarm (like a key fob thingy, which emits a loud screeching alarm if the pin is pulled). I think joggers and dog walkers use them a lot. D16 said she had it with her on her weekend adventure.
You can also buy pepper spray at auto supply stores. I thought that was weird when someone told me but sure enough they sell a small bottle on a key ring.
In my profession I’ve been sprayed with pepper spray three times during various training classes. The stuff is vicious…but doesn’t affect everyone the same way. Depending on the adrenaline level, it does not affect people the same way. Please advise your student to be cognoscente of using the pepper spray indoors or downwind. They must be aware of the fact that they could mistakenly incapacitate themselves. In addition, if they are themselves sprayed, review the procedures to decontaminate themselves. Hint…don’t use milk…when it wears off the burn/pain returns. Go directly for soap, water and air!!
@HappyFace2018 Public safety at my son’s school advises buying two and using one to familiarize yourself. They recommend spraying it and then walking through the mist so you get a sense of what it feels like to choke. Then you will be less likely to panic if sprayed during an attack. Not sure I am brave enough to try that!