Regarding pepper spray, it’s not legal in all 50 states! New York is one where it’s actually illegal
@dyiu13 I’ve been away from home all day so I have been reading as I could and am just now responding. My first response was WHERE does your kid go to college that there were 23 shootings in ONE DAY at an open air drug market?? South Central LA? South Chicago? But then I assumed you picked a horrifying scenario to illustrate the level of danger you believe your D was in.
Here is my take on this, as the mother of two now-grown and launched kids who took rather winding paths to maturity (one is now 26 and one 31):
Your D was happy, even eager to get away and exert some control over her life-witness her not “allowing” you to call or speak to her except once a week, even having little to say to you when she called her dad and it was not “your day”. This walkabout she took was intentionally designed to be outside your comfort zone and she turned her phone off precisely because she knew you’d be tracking her and she didn’t want the tracking or the contact. Whether or not this made her “unsafe” or not isn’t the point. HER point was she is not living at home, she is 18 or close to it, and she is finally feeling some control over her own life, and by gum she was taking it.
Here’s what I know about kids living away from home: no matter what rules or guidelines you as a parent have put into place, your kid living elsewhere does not have to follow them. They may willingly do so. They may even happily do so. They might even have stricter rules on themselves than you would have. My youngest sure does. But they Do Not Have To. That’s because no matter how much you track them or regulate them, you are not there and cannot-NOT force them. A tracking phone can be “left behind” or “low on battery” or “out of range”. An Uber app can be “glitchy” or “unresponsive”. The “ride from a friend” might actually be a long walk along or a subway/bus/light rail ride all alone to the “bad part of town”. On purpose. But you’d never know it. And the more you (generic “you”) freak out, the more likely they are to hide what they’re doing. Trust me on this. The best you can do is know that they do hear you and do get you, even as they’re doing the exact opposite, and that at some point they’ll say, “Mom, you were right.” At least some of the time.
My older D and her dad went through some of what you’re experiencing with your D. It ended with them not speaking at all for an entire year (she did not live with him) and years later they are still tiptoeing around each other. She was more communicative with me, and more honest with me, but she still made a number of decisions I wasn’t comfortable with. But there wasn’t really a thing I could do about it because I WASN’T THERE.
As parents we can say, “My money, my rules” or we can make them live at home and commute to the nearest college or community college or whatever is nearby. We could even drop them off and pick them up as I’ve seen some kids say their parents do on some CC threads. We can make them check in every X number of minutes, we can track them, we can make all kinds of rules-and they will STILL find a way to bend them. Because that’s what growing kids do when their brains aren’t yet fully developed, but also because the fastest way to alienate a young adult is to tie them down. What we parents need to do is find a happy medium and hope they pay attention to the advice we offer.
Hopefully your family can work out an agreement-not a contract-but some common sense suggestions that your D will take to heart so that you won’t be so anxious, and she won’t feel so controlled. It’s a fine line and it’s different for every family. But I’m concerned that if either of you take a hard line against each other, this will be just the beginning of a very bumpy road. BTDT, not wishing it on anyone.
@gettingschooled That is very good advice. We were required to be sprayed because we also carry a firearm. If someone sprays you, you become incapacitated and they get your gun…your dead. When they sprayed us we were required to fight the instructor and retain our weapon (training red gun). When your adrenaline kicks in you can do some amazing things…the minute the situation calms down…the pepper spray kicks in and it is kick ass! Good Lord…makes me nauseous just thinking about it!
@readingclaygirl You are correct…checking state laws is advisable. I’m a federal agent so I’m authorized to carry. By the way, if you pack it in your suitcase DO NOT PUT IT IN CARRY ON LUGGAGE!
Based on google, it is not illegal to carry pepperspray in NY, only to get it shipped.
I pretty much said the same thing to my d who is on full academic scholarship. She has declared her independence from us and shuts us out any time we try anything close to an authoritative approach. So, I just remind her that she needs to follow University rules to keep her scholarship. We have also told her that if it doesn’t work out there, the alternative is to live at home and go to local university.
@sseamom
I agree. I think that trying to maintain control over them at this stage might make them more likely to have more risk-taking behavior in an effort to assert their independence.
@dyiu13
Not sure if this will help, but I just about had a fit when d decided this past summer to go downtown, park her car on her own, and then walk two city blocks at night to meet friends to go see a concert. This is after her father and I have stressed over, and over, and over again the importance of going places with a buddy. She said all of the people she was meeting were from other side of city (knew them from current dance studio & former dance studio).
I told her that she needed to do a much better job of planning. I see no reason why they could not have met in the parking lot and then walked together…
On the brighter side, I found a one credit hour self-defense class offered at her college, suggested that she take the class, and proposed a schedule that would allow her to fit this in. I was pleasantly surprised that she took my recommendation this time. She told me this weekend she was excited about the class and had recommended it to friends already.
Well, this is how it’s playing out now. She/We are still recovering from the weekend. She declined today’s “Monday-only” phone call with us. She texted that she needed space, and she’ll be in touch next week, Monday night.
This works for me, as she will talk with counseling at school, so she’ll be able to work on this without me getting in the way.
In the meantime, I’m going to do a reality check with three families I know who live near her school who have to navigate with personal safety in mind too. What’s their take (for my information only, not for D16)? I just might ask the school security unit what they recommend for personal safety for students in this regard. One of her doctors told me that it’s basically nuts to do what she did.
Of course, this incident has terrible timing, too. As all here note, she was just spreading her wings and feeling independent…then, I go ballistic over a choice she made. But, I really think she is going to have to understand the seriousness of the risks she took. I hope personal safety education through other people and sources (not me) will help her figure out future actions. At the same time, I hope she can find a way to feel free within the practice of some common street smarts.
She texted that she wants to review our expectations for her and her own desires and then discuss them next week. It’s going to be a long week, and I welcome going back to a crazy-busy job to keep my mind off it. I think she’ll be reasonable. The issue at this point, I bet, is that we insulted her effort to be independent. So, there is healing to be done.
@dyiu13 Maybe hearing how dangerous her decision was from her counselor will help her understand your expectations. Sometimes hearing things from trusted adults beyond your parents makes you realize your parents really were right
I agree with others. I would tell my D that the only reason I am worried is for her safety.
You could propose to stop the tracking and encourage her to leave her phone on so she can use the map feature to avoid getting lost.
I also like the self defense class idea.
And hopefully this experience has scared her enough to be more cautious next time.
Text last night at 10:30pm…
D16: I cleaned a pomegranate. I won college. I can come home now.
Me: Wow, it’s not even pomegranate season and where did you get the sharp knife?
D16: Roommate had a butter knife, literally this was a difficult process.
Me: You can’t come home…you still need to learn to slice a mango.
D16: I don’t like Mangoes.
Me: It’s a life skill. You don’t like chemistry either.
@labegg have you threatened to move to the college town?
Not yet, but I might if she texts again at 10:30 pm.
Will you all please pray or send positive healing thoughts to a classmate of mine? She’s in the hospital with seizures right now, no one knows why it’s happening and she’s estranged from her family.
@labegg text first thing this morning: Mom! I am in a serious sock competition!
Me: So crazy socks are a thing there? (she has a collection of socks with designs like flying pigs, tacos, the Seahawks logo, etc.)
D: No, just me and this one kid. Everyone else thinks we’re weird.
Me: Lol
D: Not funny! This is a very serious matter!
Me:…
@readingclaygirl the students at your college have sure had their share of trauma so soon into the year! I hope your classmate is well soon.
@dyiu13 I hope that you and your D work things out.
Thank you @sseamom
@redandtheblack hang in there. It takes time.
@readingclaygirl sounds like you are in the midst of a lot of drama. What gives? I hope your classmate will be ok.
D16 is all moved into her dorm and it sounds as if she’s off to a great start making new friends and having fun. Today was convocation, which is kindof crazy with students dressing up in costumes. I’ve seen some photos of convocation on Instagram, but I believe the college with post a video later today. Classes start tomorrow.
Dropped D16 off on Wednesday. She discovered on Sunday that she had left her laptop charger at home so texted to ask us to mail it. Thankfully her suitemate has the same computer so she’ll be okay until it gets there.
What cracks me up is that when I asked her if there was anything else I should send she requested her snorkel and mask (she’s in Michigan). Apparently she wants it for a costume for some dorm competition.
That gave DH, S19 and I a good laugh. Which was good because we have been a glum bunch, moping around our quiet house.
The best invention of all times is texting. My perfectionist DD is all stress out trying to finalize her schedule before classes start tomorrow. One of humanity classes she likes and got into does not work with her schedule and now all schedule needs to be reworked. We have been texting for 3 hours already discussing possible changes to her schedule. I think we found a solution. Hopefully her advisor will approve it. The best part is that her classes will start at 10 and 11 o’clock every day of the week which work perfect for my owl.
I like texting my D when I want to tell her something, but not sure if she has time to talk. Then she can answer at her convenience. I know if she doesn’t answer right away she is busy.
But if she has a problem that requires a lengthy discussion, she prefers to call and discuss it over the phone.
Either one is fine with me.