Parents of the HS Class of 2017 (Part 1)

Parents of HS Class of 20xx
17501

Communications QOTD: S does everything. In fact, he has sent stuff on his own without talking it over first. The only time I’ve gotten involved in a communication with a school was when he needed info during school hours. Sometimes he asks me about wording on an email. I think that this generation doesn’t like email because they hardly ever use it.

After almost submitting a half-finished app by mistake to one college, however (gotta watch that enter key), he agreed to let me be the extra pair of eyes for proof-reading before any app gets submitted.

17502

@STEM2017 Colleges vary with how they deal with parents but on the whole it is not much at all even if it is to the detriment of the student. My son was missing part of his financial aid award one quarter and even though I am on his account as an authorized payer (which my son had to do) they wouldn’t talk to me. I eventually figured out I could fill out their webform with his financial aid number and my email and got it all worked out that way. When we/I had any questions for admissions that my son didn’t care about I would write an email and he would send it from his address. Just seemed easier that way. He’s done totally fine on his own in college but I know what I need to manage because he doesn’t care about (financial aid stuff and health insurance stuff) though of course he should but I’m not willing to waste money on a life lesson :wink:

17503

@longwood

This: “I think that this generation doesn’t like email because they hardly ever use it.”

And they like speaking on the phone even less!

17504

@christygb I am so sorry about this difficult time you and your family are going through. Our family has faced a similar situation with my nephew. He started experiencing severe anxiety and depression 18 months ago. It’s been a roller coaster but this summer my sister and brother-in-law made the decision that they will not let my nephew go away to school. They considered neighboring states and I’ve offered to have him move in with my family so he can go to college and have the experience of living away from home yet under a watchful eye. While my nephew’s depression and anxiety have nothing to do with college, the topic certainly exacerbates the anxiety. It was a quiet summer with no significant ups or downs but when school started and the talk of college and apps and everyone making plans for their future, he was totally paralyzed and started a downward slide. Then there is the issue of medication and/ or dosage changes. There is a period of time that the doctor has cautioned my sister to watch him closely and advise the doctor of any concerning behavior. That pretty much sealed the deal because there is no way anyone at college is going to be able to pick up on deviations in behavior as she can so for now, the plan is for him to attend a commuter school.

I think you are doing the absolute best thing by focusing on his health and would forget about apps altogether right now and not even mention UK apps/ deadlines. Take the pressure off of him or he may feel like he’s disappointing you or letting you down. I realize the timing is not great but the goal is for a long and happy life so it’s not as if this is the only year in his life he’ll get to apply to college. If he mentions it you could remind him he can always apply another year or go to grad school in the UK.

On a related note, as I have a 17 year old who has a medical condition for which he is under a cardiologists care, Remember that when our kids turn 18 they are adults and if there is an emergency in which someone else needs to make a decision for them, parents do not have automatic say in decisions. I know someone who was in the position of having their daughter unconscious in an ER and the parents were being told they would be advised of the medical treatment but would not be consulted because their daughter is no longer a minor.

This week I received a letter from the hospital where my son has to go see his cardiologist and it was to let me know that at 11:59pm on the day before his 18th birthday, my proxy rights will automatically terminate unless my son advises his medical provider to extend my access to receive any medical information. This is just to receive information. My son will still need to sign a medical power of attorney for me to be able to make decisions on his behalf if he were to be unable to make them for himself.

17505

My thoughts are with all of the families experiencing difficulty.

We had D15 complete a medical power of attorney right after she turned 18, which she did before she left college. We will do the same for S17 too.

17506

@mtrosemom – were you able to execute the medical POA without a lawyer?

I know that my aging and ailing mother has indicated to all her doctors that they have her permission to confer with me, but I think that is more of a HIPAA thing. I do have POA in her will, but I am hoping there is an easier route we can pursue for the 18 year olds.

17507

I would advise everyone to get a medical power of attorney on their child before they go to college and file it with the school’s medical center. Fortunately we had one for my D12 when she had a minor medical emergency her freshman year. It made a big difference, we had conflicting advise from her current doctor versus what the local hospital doctor wanted to do… They were pressuring my daughter to do a different procedure, than what our local specialist recommended from a major bay area hospital/university. We were able to insist what was acceptable and what wasn’t. It all turned ok in the end, but they wouldn’t even talk to us, until we told them there was medical power of attorney filed w/ the university.

17508

QOTD medical power of attorney: We used a free online form for D15 that we downloaded and printed, then had notarized. Once you know where your child will be attending school, use the form for the state they will be in school. Not sure if I’m allowed to list the website here, but I’m happy to share.

17509

@CT1417 There are forms online. Just needs to be notarized.

17510

@CT1417, no attorney involved. I found a standard form used by our state on the Internet. All it needed was to be notarized, which we did at the bank. I googled medical power of attorney. It actually was easy. We also filled out all the doctors, dentists, etc. forms so we could discuss medical issues for our now adult. We will be doing this with S in December. This is something that will likely need to be done for the school also. D15 is across the country so we had to make sure we can get medical info and make decisions. We also had D give us access to her financial info so we can move money and get info on her school financial aid. It is kind of too much to think about because 18 year olds mostly are not really adults.

17511

Make sure that the POA is for the state in which your child will be attending school, if it’s different from their home state.

17512

@longwood – and that was going to be my next question! You are a mind reader. I tried finding the campus form when he first started school, but he was still 17, so they told him to come back after he was 18. That never happened. He is a Jr now, so clearly I should get on it! He will be home this weekend for Fall break so perhaps we will be taking a family trip to the notary!

Thank you @mtrosemom & @Calimom3 also!

17513

Wow. It’s been so long since I’ve posted. My D17 had pretty major facial/jaw reconstructive surgery on Sept. 1 and we’ve been focused on recovery (first) and keeping up with school work (second) since she missed about 2.5 weeks and still sometimes has to come home from school during the day to rest. Not a lot getting done on college applications, unfortunately. I am trying to find a balance between encouraging her to rest and heal and pushing her to get going. You are all making me feel a bit anxious but it’s been great to read about all your progress.

@christygb I am so sorry to hear about your son’s struggles. I think many of us here can relate in some way. I don’t know what the right answer is for your family but I wanted you to know you’re not alone. Mental health issues are so difficult.

I’ve been spending some of my time (to distract myself from the applications not getting done) trying to figure out how and whether my employer tuition grant program and/or outside scholarships will play with merit or need-based scholarships and other types of financial aid we might receive. The answer seems to be dependent on each individual school. In most cases it seems not to benefit us much at all b/c we qualify for a fair amount of need-based aid, so it’s just moving numbers around on paper. Super frustrating.

Anyway. Congratulations to those of you with acceptances in hand. How exciting! We’re aiming for at least one app submission by the end of the month. Fingers crossed!

17514

@christygb Our 24 yr old son suffers from multiple complex issues, not just depression. He is a high functioning autistic with a very high IQ, but he is crippled by high anxiety and also suffers from depression. When he was 16, he went through a whole host of different med trials. Our experience mirrors what @paveyourpath describes.

We kept med trial journals, as in both of us. I wrote down my notes as observer and he wrote his notes in terms of what he was experiencing. His med trials were not pleasant. He had some serious reactions to different meds. With one I found him curled up in the fetal position outside our back door carving numbers into his arm. Having immediate access to his drs and being able to provide in writing our individual observations were vital to his well-being. Finding the correct meds administered at the correct dose took months. And then, he had to want to take them. (This became a serious issue for us. He now refuses to take any meds. His anxiety does control his life.)

Being abroad offers another entire layer of complications. Finding medical care, managing meds, self-advocating 100% when not functioning 100%, coping with climate/culture/food changes on top of transitioning to adulthood and college student…how much can they handle at once? His lack of response to looming deadlines might actually not be a lack of response. It might be a deliberate decision to not act. Depression amplifies stressful situations. The stress might be beyond his coping abilities at this point. That is 100% ok. He might only be able to cope with the immediate. Long term planning might not be a realistic goal right now. Come spring, there are always colleges still trying to recruit students. Applying to schools next yr and having a gap yr might be a positive experience. Maybe traveling abroad next yr without the stress of being a student is an option. Having multiple paths forward vs a single one might lower his anxiety now. He doesn’t have to have all the answers the next few weeks. It might change some of his choices, but it might open up others previously not considered.

Best wishes to your son as he moves forward. And to you as you love and support him.

17515

QOTD (or yesterday) - Prestige - Is not the word I would use but DD is definetly aiming for highly selective schools. She was inducted into the Cum Laude Soceity (top 20% of the class) last week and in a school that doesn’t rank this seemed to be the trigger for the competive students to start questioning where she is applying. To her friends, she replies that she has not decided and to the truly nosy she politely replies that she doesn’t want to talk about it. In hindsight, she was smart to be discreet about her 36 ACT. The bottom line is her profile is different than any of her classmates so she has the luxury of just focusing on herself. She realizes how lucky she is because her boyfriend is EDing to a school where two stronger students have already decided to ED.

Congrats to all those with submissions and acceptances! I would love for DD to have an acceptance in hand. Along the line of @RightCoaster, I offered my assistance in getting an application out early but unfortunately my offer was declined.

17516

@mtrosemom wrote

I think it’s more about what’s on our radar right now because nothing else has come in for many of us. I’m sure the talk will progress as the EA schools start announcing.

From my perspective, the people who are obsessed with prestige tend to be the ones not exposed to it or familiar with it. I have friends who went to ivies, I have friends who are trustfundians, and I have friends who went to regular schools. An Ivy does not guarantee you success-and I think that’s what some parents are looking at Ivies and super prestigious schools as-a golden ticket for their kid. I mean, my goodness, our Uber driver in San Fran graduated from MIT.

I’m not saying being an Uber driver is a bad thing (that guy was raking in the bucks), but the reality of graduating from elite schools isn’t that you’re magically inducted into Robin Leach’s world of the rich and powerful, and I think some parents have this misconception.

I think the ivies are a good thing for many people who have realistic expectations and budgets, but the halo ivies and elites get kind of makes me wince when I hear people talking about it at social events. And every time I ask the parent went to a “normal” school (which is now totally not good enough for their kid and they make a something’s stinky face when they ask where you graduated from).

Speaking of elites-there is a nice big stack of shiny thick books from stanford, harvard and yale on my stack of “to be turned into a mixed media project” :slight_smile: . I’m expanding the smaller one I did (with the fortune teller origami) into a much bigger one for my senior project. The colleges are being super obliging by inundating us with stuff.

Honors colleges-yep, she’s shooting for the HC’s at NEU, UMDCP, uh maybe Drexel? (I haven’t checked to see if they have one) UA, and I think there’s one other one I’m forgetting because it’s too darn early in the morning. From what I’ve read they are variably beneficial.

D17 and H sat down last night and did the entire FAFSA thing. Her takeway was that it was good that her small business that she runs earned her nearly $0 dollars (lol), and that we are getting no federal aid. H says he’ll do CSS if she gets into MIT and chooses to go there, but the odds are so against her that he sees no point in doing it early for one school.

Oh, homecoming. I almost forgot! D18’s boyfriend was nominated for the court so now they’re going, and D17 broke up with her boyfriend (they just lived too far away from each other and the driving 2 hours was stressing her out), so now she’s going with a group of her girlfriends. Dress shopping! Whee! I’m also bringing two of their friends because we road-trip out to this amazing consignment shop that’s somewhat difficult to get to and not close. The deal-hunter in me is slavering at the bit! :smiley:

And even better-the theme this year is “Disney”, so D17 is re-imagining Maleficent for 2016. I think D18 is going to channel the Cheshire cat in a dress, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to find one…

17517

For the record: I like the Bama talk. I don’t mind any of you talking about it at all. I’ve learned something from your posts. So thanks. I think it is awesome that you all can find a pretty cool way to get an affordable education in a place with a lot of things going for it. If I could only convince my son to expand his college search out from 20 square miles, lol.

@picklesarenice hope your D continues to heal up and you get some apps in without a lot of stress.

17518

How about a private Facebook group for all parents of 2017? I believe that this has been done in previous years. Just a thought.

17519

I dunno; a private FB page feels very clubby, and I kinda like what we have here because it’s open to anyone who wants to post.

17520

@picklesarenice Good luck on the jaw healing. I had major jaw surgery as an adult and the recovery was tedious. But I still remember that first bite of solid food when it happened, heavenly!

As for the UA folks, I’m also in the “keep it coming” club. I have become an informal colllege advisor of sorts to fellow parents and it’s nice to have information about places that might work for kids other than my D.