My dd could have used a few non-AP classes to explore this new found “passion” (laughing heartily here so pls do join in with me) in industrial/product design because as luck would have it, this major often requires a portfolio of art. She could have taken a number of interesting classes these past few years to build that up - our HS has not only the art classes but some engineering/design electives that could have helped too. She was too busy trying to stockpile APs or honors classes for the gpa bump. Wouldn’t consider the art/engineering classes because none offered honors level until yr 3 or 4. Now she just wants to fit that portfolio creation over the summer.
As others have stated, we’re all trying to help our kids find balance. I think we’ve tried to not interfere in the small stuff (e.g., D19 wasn’t getting anything out of being in Mu Alpha Theta, so she stopped after a year) while providing guidance on the bigger stuff (e.g., she was wondering whether she could/wanted to handle 3 AP courses – the max available at our school – this junior year, and we had her talk/text to friends and teachers for their perspective, and they all said, yeah, that’s not going to be a problem for you).
In the end, we’ve really tried to just provide advice and not restrictions except in cases where the restrictions matter (e.g., financials). She’s got a very good but not awesome SAT score – we told her that the score should be good enough to get her into some schools she wants, but not into some of the others. We don’t care between the two sets of schools, she just needs to know she probably can’t make it into the second group with her current scores. Her choice, whichever it is, is fine by us.
@BorgityBorg exactly! You described what it’s like in our house too. Right down to the test scores. D19’s are great for 2 out of 3 of the colleges she likes and probably at the lower edge for the 3rd she wants to apply to. Her call whether to try one more time or stick with her current numbers. Right now, she’s planning to give it one more shot (and take the subject tests to go with it for that 3rd). If that changes, she still has 2 great options and one still possible, so it’s up to her.
@mom2twogirls Our D19 has tentatively decided to take the SAT a second time in August. I think with some more studying she could get a score that would solidify her shot at some schools and open up some possibilities at what would essentially be lottery schools (i.e., 20% acceptance rates). But if she decides in July, nah, I’m good – I can get into the local flagship honors college and more than likely into 2-3 LACs that fit her interests well, then we’re good, too. 
Yes! Same here. I think my d19 might actually prefer the public honors college anyway so I’m definitely not sweating her choice or whether she actually gets a significantly higher score anyway. I told her that I would help her study for the SAT (aside from math, that would be worthless and she would just need a super quick review anyway) and she likes that plan.
@Trixy34 Chinese was actually ok for D because it doesn’t use an alphabet, but somehow it was still torture in the end. I have no idea why she likes Russian so much; I suspect it is because it is kind of quirky and dark to study Russian. Spelling was always impossible for her and still is. She reads well, albeit slower, and is a prodigious reader but does not process written language like other people. She cannot see individual letters in words unless you cover the rest of the letters. Once D got to high school, we made sure she had a plan in place for accommodations and always used it. In order to get accommodations on the standardized tests and in college, we had to prove that she both had a plan, had updated testing (summer of junior year), AND was using her accommodations (extended test time) in high school. It was kind of a pain for her to have to schedule all her finals separately, but we knew from experience with her older brother that she would need that record.
PS. One thing that really helped her was this software/app you can get that alternates the font color in text. She won’t read online without it now as it really helps. I can’t read with it, makes my brain throb, but she loves it. Search for dyslexic and font color app or something like that.
I’m way behind and catching up. I graduated from Dickinson and have an observation regarding the streets - never one time in 4 years were the streets an issue. In fact, I’ve kind of scratched my head wondering about it. At the times you’re crossing to and from the dorms that are on the other side of the academic quad, traffic is not a huge issue and if it is, there are crossing guards and crosswalks. Also, at least at the time I went there, no trains used those tracks. I will confess that freshman year, for lack of better firewood, we burned a railroad tie in the fireplace in our quad while studying for finals.
I appreciate everyone’s perspectives. Sounds like it all comes down to knowing your child and wanting what’s best for them. I’m a big believer in there’s a college out there that matches each of my kids. Having that mindset helps me remain grounded and not push my kids to follow some particular path that someone thinks is the right or only way to get into certain universities. My S19’s current schedule reflects his interests and his strengths. The colleges we are looking at are matches/safeties,where he is above the 75th percentile of applicants…but more importantly, he actually likes these colleges. From personal experience, it is terrible to attend a university for the wrong reasons (prestige, making others happy, friends are going there, etc.). My job is to be the guide on the side and not the sage on the stage in this process.
Regarding LORs, I have the same philosophy as above. He will ask those teachers who know him best…which is his football coach and his orchestra teacher. They will have known him since middle school and can best attest to his character, work ethic, life challenges, and overall goofiness, etc… His core subject teachers have changed every year and teach classes with 20-30 kids in each, and while he performs really well in those classes, they simply do not know him. The last thing we want is an LOR that reads cookie cutter and the teacher just cuts/pastes new student names. Some on CC would say we are nuts for taking this approach, especially since he plans on majoring in math or physics. But the right college for him will “get it”.
I am a volunteer with my local Boy Scouts of America council and sit on Eagle Boards of Review every month (an interview at the end of the long journey to Eagle with three adults and the scout). The application involves FIVE letters of rec which the panel sits and reads together, along with the written application, before the interview. I also used to be an adjunct professor at UCSD and was asked to write dozens of letters for grad school applicants. I can share some lessons learned and advice from these experiences.
LoRs can get boring. They tend to be pretty similar. Good citizen, well liked, proven record. Letters like this will only help push your kid into the dreaded “positive standard” category. What catches the eye are specific stories about the applicant. They don’t even have to be amazing stories of heroics – just personality-revealing anecdotes: the time the student stayed after class to help a struggling classmate. The time the student gave an amazing speech. In order to enhance an application, a letter must give more details that aren’t otherwise available. The worst is when a letter writer just spits back the same stuff that’s easily learned elsewhere ("…James worked very hard to make an Eagle project at our school, building a set of shelves for a classroom…") Duh! Please tell us something we don’t already know. So, as the student and parents, what can you do? I recommend two steps.
One, your child should ask for LoRs in person, by looking that teacher in the eye, and ask if he or she would be willing to write “a strong letter of recommendation.” You’d be surprised how many letters actually provide kind of…blah feedback. I’m not talking about bad feedback, just ho-hum. Granted, I’m looking at Eagle Scout applications and not college apps, so my pool may be somewhat different. But it’s not super unusual to read a letter that says, “Eric improved over the course of the semester…” Which suggests that Eric started out not so great, right? That isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, and if accompanied by a more fleshed-out story about the student’s resilience and self-discipline, could be an asset. When it’s left at just that, I have to tell you as a reader that it doesn’t look awesome. Words like “tried,” “has really grown,” “matured,” etc need more info with them. But if you’ve stood face to face with a teacher and asked for a “strong” letter, and they agree, they’re making a commitment to you. And you’d hope that if they felt like they couldn’t do that, they would decline.
Ideally, your child should, at this point, also ask for a brief sit-down to discuss your applications and interests, during which time he or she will hand the teacher some supporting info. The absolute worst thing is to send a letter writer an auto-generated impersonal request via a website and leave it at that. No no no. If you ask in person, respectfully, and seek out that followup meeting, you’re instantly ahead of the game. Also, some high schools provide paperwork to submit with a letter request, in which you’re prompted to discuss aspects of the experience in class. Those are fine to use, but shouldn’t replace original, in-person discussion. As a letter writer, I found myself feeling more respect for a student who took the initiative to provide me with content like a school resume, a transcript, a personal statement about education and career goals, and a cover letter – and the secret is that you can use that cover letter to hint at what you’d love to have covered in your letter. Don’t say something too overt, like “Please write about my…”, but mention things you were proud of in the class, what you gained from the class.
I’m also a psychologist, and I can tell you that we humans loooove flattery. People respond more favorably when they have received a compliment – even if they are aware of a complimenter’s ulterior motive! Shallow, fawning flattery probably won’t do much, but if your teenager’s cover letter includes specific info about what he or she appreciated about the class (“A favorite part of the course was our weekly critiques of articles about current events. I’m still thinking about the piece we read about gentrification, and it’s changed my understanding of that concept.”), you’re helping seal that positive relationship and the teacher will be that much more compelled to do their part to help your child.
Also, this should be self-evident but isn’t always adhered to: your choice of letter writers should not only be the teachers/administrators/employers/supervisors/coaches you performed well with, but people who you have reason to believe are a.) good writers and communicators themselves, and b.) not absolutely swamped time-wise. If you ask a teacher, 10 days out, who teaches mostly juniors, and who is also in the midst of coaching a varsity team and has two young children, expect a worse letter. If you ask your lovable but forgetful 72-year-old wrestling coach who is waaaay out of the loop on college admissions, expect a worse letter. Students need to really be smart in their selections. Relevant advice here is also to ASK EARLY. As in, this spring, or in August as the school year is starting. If you do that in-person request and followup meeting with cover letter and supporting info before virtually everyone else, you’re ahead of the game. It’s also helpful, as a letter writer, if you provide a courteous reminder (especially important if you do the spring ask). And – here’s one that always shocked me in its rarity: WRITE A HAND-WRITTEN THANK YOU. Of all those dozens of letters I wrote over a decade of teaching, I received maybe 2 or 3 thank you notes, and one (one!!) thank you gift. I think it’s appropriate to include a token coffee gift card in your thank you note, or something similar. This won’t help with the letter since it’s after the fact, but it’s a great gesture to teach your kids – and it’s a way of paying it forward for helping future students who request letters from that same person.
Hope this helps a kiddo or two!
@liska21 - thank you so much for the suggestion. I’ll look into it - need to get the kid reading more. From her evaluation, she had a very low auditory processing speed and was diagnosed with anxiety and adhd. It was a struggle to get her father to the point of even recognizing there might be a problem. Now we’ve gone another school year in purgatory - she’ll be starting 9th high school next year with no 504 or anything. She qualifies for some accommodations, like extra time on tests, but her Dad doesn’t know if he wants to “label” and stigmatize her. He also doesn’t want her to get used to accommodations she won’t have in the “real world” I understand that point of view, but I don’t want to close avenues off to her prematurely. And, of course, if we don’t take advantage of the accommodations now, she won’t be able to get extra time for the ACT or SAT.
Great post @SDCounty3Mom !!!
@SDCounty3Mom Awesome suggestions!! I really like the idea of sharing some positive feedback from the teacher or advisor’s class. We did give the teachers who wrote recs for summer programs Chick-fil-A calendars and gift cards since they were done in December and January. Glad we did, as we are hitting the same teachers up this summer and fall for schools and scholarships.
@liska21 Loved your tour summary. My D19 is a bit straight laced, and while I may have been similar in high school, age makes me care a bit less. Over Spring Break, I believe I got a scolding look from her during one tour. Whatever.
@4MyKidz Regarding LORs- some colleges are very specific in asking for recs from academic teachers, and for some schools only junior or senior year teachers. So the football coach and the orchestra leader may not work for all schools, but of course depends on the list.
@wisteria100 You are so right! Luckily, the schools my S19 is interested in do not make the requirement of “academic only”. And have actually encouraged unique authentic LORs more along the lines of what @SDCounty3Mom was stating. I may not have been clear, he’s had the same football coach and orchestra director since middle school…so far a 5 1/2 year relationship.
@Trixy34 In our area, 504 plans are not uncommon, and our D didn’t experience any stigma though sometimes the teachers were didn’t want to arrange an extra time slot for taking the test with time and a half. That was usually when D tried to arrange it too late. High school is the “real” world for a kid and if your D can get extra time and a quiet room and that’ll help a lot. Then if you get the accommodation in high school, you can get it in college too. So that’s many important years of the “real” world. I don’t think our D uses it in college anymore, but definitely did in high school.
Another thing that our D used a lot are noise-cancelling earplugs. You can get them online and they are inexpensive. Helps a lot if noise is distracting. In 9th grade, the kids from the dyslexic program were required to take study hall for their elective. D hated that, but it did help make HS a success. Before that (in middle school) she had to do 2 years of language training and executive function stuff instead of a language.
Wow. I’d forgotten all about those years. Hang in there. It’s tough when you first get the diagnosis and are trying to figure out what will help. Getting targeted support (the language training and executive function training) really helped our D and our friend’s kids with various processing challenges.
What an incredibly helpful and thoughtful post. I wish this forum allowed for sticky’s it would be great for folks to be able to reference it.
I am appalled. Two thank you notes and one gift?
Kids should write thank you notes for tours. For meetings with faculty. For LOR’s and well for just making a difference (private music teachers, tutors, youth group leaders etc). And some yes, some should get a gift. If it works for the family to do so.
My kids might fight me on doing them but force them long enough and not only do they know it’s the right thing but they learn how to write sincere ones.
Which comes in handy after the graduation loot shows up lol.
What kind of executive functioning training did your D do? We are exploring options for S19.
I can’t remember if I shared this tip here. If so, ignore or be happily reminded. One of d19’s teachers recommended that the students give the teachers a thank you note a few days to a week before the deadline for the recommendation letter. That way it serves the dual purpose of the expression of gratitude and a gentle reminder to get the recommendation letter in on time. She loved that strategy and successfully used it with the summer program recommendation letters.
When she got word on her acceptance and let them know the results, she also gave them a small gift card. She was appalled when her math teacher who wrote one of the letters said she wrote 2 for the same program last year and the students never let her know the results (one got into the program, because we saw her in pictures for it online).
@lizzo4477 Congratulations to your son for the Furman Scholar award!! I just wrote an email to my son’s GC asking her to nominate my son. I saw that the deadline was 4/1 but they are accepting applications up until June 1st. He meets the criteria so I figured since he has an interest in the school it didn’t hurt to apply. We’ll see what the GC says…
@eandesmom This was 2nd year of a program for kids with dyslexia (and other LDs but that’s the one I know). First year was a lot of language processing training plus studying etymology. The way non-dyslexics learn to spell is fairly useless to dyslexics, so they use their logic and pattern recognition skills to develop other tactics. That’s my hand-wavy explanation of that part. Then year 2 was a lot of what I’d call executive function and self-advocacy training. It was a bit like working with a ‘life-coach’. Instead of taking a language, D met during that time-slot with the LD teacher. They did different stuff. There was this standard curriculum they went through for study skills and organization, and with check in each week to make sure that D was doing the tasks. Imagine like one of the ‘self-help’ workbooks and working with a coach 3x a week on that. I don’t think it was rocket-science. More the consistency of doing it for a year. Cost a fortune btw. So painful, but I think it was money well-invested. Another big part was teaching self-advocacy—emphasizing taking ownership of your 504 (or whatever) and talking with teachers at the start of every semester and reviewing it with them so you were on the same page with your teacher.