I’m having a little mom crisis with where i want my kid to end up.
He’s a 2E kid - AKA twice exceptional, meaning gifted with ADHD. His ADHD is very manageable comparatively speaking (I have an older ADHD kid who is much more impacted, with multiple neurodiversity’s so I know of what I speak).
He’s also transgender.
He has many like minded friends, creative, really into music/bands, art, very kindhearted, very inclusive of others. But he’s kind of introverted too and a little shy. I’m worried about him attending a large public, which he says he wants. He went to a tiny private HS and wants something different. I think he would thrive at Carleton or Macalester or Whitman. He wants UW or UMinn or UMass, but he’s also open to the LACs. My concern is the many posts i see on the college Reddit sites, about kids being friendless and lonely. It’s kinda heartbreaking. Does anyone have experience with the larger publics for shy kids?
Unhappy people are more likely to give negative feedback on the internet than happy people are to give positive feedback. The happy well-socialized kids with lots of friends aren’t as likely to post on Reddit.
I can relate to a lot of this! similar fears about my ADHD/gifted/shy kiddo. I am curious about why yours wants to attend a large public university. Can you dig a little deeper than “wanting something different”? (because unless he goes to Deep Springs or someplace, college probably going to be different from his high school in most meaningful respects, right?)
I would caution against assuming that small schools don’t leave kids friendless and lonely on occasion too. I think sometimes the first set of friends you make can start to feel stifling and some kids have an easier time than others branching out. I knew one kid who had one bad breakup at Carleton and just never wanted to go back – the community felt awfully small after that. The nice thing about the big schools is that at most of them, you’ll find the full spectrum of students (nerds, goths, geeks, preps, etc.) My sense is that you might have to be a bit more of a pushy go-getter to access all the academic opportunities (e.g. undergrad research isn’t going to necessarily fall in your lap, and you probably won’t know your professors if you don’t make an effort to go to office hours, etc.) – but in exchange there are seemingly limitless flavors of extracurricular and academic pursuits.
Macalester sounds like a potential sweet spot opportunity – it’s in a city with other universities and most students don’t seem to live on campus all four years, so even though it’s a smaller student body, you feel like things are happening and alive around you. Some place like Kenyon or Hamilton, in contrast, might feel a bit too isolated.
Anyway, I wanted to express solidarity as you figure this out together. <3
Thank you so much! I agree about Macalester. I think it’s the one school we both really like a lot. He loves the idea of being in a city, and I think he might find his people there.
I think part of his desire for a big school is it might give him more dating opportunities. He has not been in a romantic relationship yet so that’s a big driver. But Macalester’s location is a big plus, and they can take classes at UMinn.
I’m trying to get him to understand that a 2000 person college is a lot bigger than a HS of 250.
Thank you for sharing the Carleton story. I guess that’s a con for the small college in a small town- nowhere to hide.
I can see how your S might want to be around a larger population. Through my job I know students who attended a very small, very LGBTQ+ friendly college. On the plus side, there was a strong sense of community. On the downside, everyone always knew everyone else’s business. Perhaps that would be challenging for an introvert.
I don’t know how your child would feel about a college like Bryn Mawr, but I hear it’s very inclusive of trans and nonbinary identities. It’s in a suburb of a large city (Philadelphia). And it’s connected to Swarthmore and Haverford, and to a lesser extent Penn. It’s a small college, but might feel bigger for those reasons.
I can give my own experience as a shy kid. (Granted it was 25 yrs ago, pre-cellphone). I went from a high school of 400 to a large public university with over 20,000. I Loved. It. So. Much. I could be anonymous when I wanted to be. I could people watch. I had some smaller classes where I made friends. I could choose my friends, as opposed to making do with the 30 or so in my HS cohort. It was great.
As a neurodivergent (ADHD and ASD) trans man myself, I totally understand your worries!! I am incredibly shy and a lot of big public schools seem very unwelcoming to me.
I think the best thing to do is to find a school that has excellent programs in whatever your kid would like to study, if he knows what that is. If you find a good program, you’re more likely to find like-minded people! For example, my 2nd choice school is SUNY Stony Brook (I am in-state NY) which has an incredible marine Biology study program, and I’ve already made so many friends there just through doing virtual webinars and applicant QnAs and that kind of thing.
The internet is also a great resource for making friends! I’ve seen people make posts on their school’s Reddit forums giving a general overview of who they are and seeing if people want to hang out, or posting on YikYak, or Instagram, or really any social media, and it seems to work pretty well if you try a bit.
I hope this helped!!! Good luck to your kid in the college process :]
With S22 we applied to a ton of scholarships (and it was “we” because he asked me to help him find them, so it felt like work for both of us). Like probably 40. He got three - one was relatively similar to the one you referenced, through work and likely not very popular so odds were high. The second was through a local group associated with his learning disability - again, not well known, odds were high. The third was given out by his HS sports team - they had a scholarship for a senior boy and senior girl. There were only five senior boys, so odds were, again, good. Each had relatively short writing assignments. That said, if the boy hadn’t been so on top of everything else, I wouldn’t have wanted him to bother. They were for $1k, $1k, and $500. Not that $2500 is chump change, but they weren’t renewable and that amount of money wasn’t going to make a big difference in the overall cost.
The others he did - some required a lot of writing and the odds were astronomically high of him getting them. He basically only did those if he could re-purpose essays he’d already written. He did a number of no-essay applications, but so do, apparently, thousands of kids. I’m still not sure if those were real or just people looking for his information for marketing. The only one that took a lot of work and had low odds that he did was for Eagle Scouts - he wanted to try, so he did.
For S25 I’m not asking him to do any other than the ones that the schools offer (a few of which require extra essays - like Stamps). This kid is struggling just to get regular work done and adding more to his load wouldn’t be worth the likely ROI.
One thing to think about is, you can make a large university feel small (through clubs, LLCs, interest groups, etc). You can’t really make a small school feel big.
In a school of 20,000+ it’s highly likely your kid can find 15-20 like minded individuals. In a small school, if you don’t click with your peers, there isn’t as many opportunities to find them (maybe). On the other hand, a big university can be overwhelming - hence the need to do things like an LLC and/or clubs.
We did the FAFSA maybe 10 days ago? It doesn’t show as having been submitted on any of our college portals, but I’m not sure that it would. (It seems like some colleges show having received it and some haven’t?) I double checked the FAFSA form again just to make sure it was complete and turned in as final and that it had all the colleges he wants selected and seemed ok so… I’m hoping that the emails from colleges are just generic that they send to everyone that applied. Basically that it’s just easier for them to send an email to their whole cohort rather than try to sift through who has done it and who hasn’t.
Swag Update #2: Came home from soccer practice for the youngest kiddo late last night to discover S25 walking around the house in his Hufflepuffy sweater. It seems FedEx/UPS has already settled into “winter mode” and deemed the scant 4 inches of snow on our steep driveway “too much” and delivered our package to our business up the road, as they tend to do once winter really sets in … where husband promptly collected it, brought it home, saw where it shipped from but neglected to see my name and not S25’s on the address, said “hey you’ve got a package” to the eager college applicant and handed it off. Guess who left the house in their new, fate-tempting swag today? No comment.
On scholarships: nope, not applying. I did some light research on the ones available in our area, and like others, most of them require financial need. I’d rather have him get a job and earn some extra money to cover things like textbooks etc. than write the extra essays, especially if he is deferred and will be spending a lot, a lot of time cranking out essays these next few weeks. Gosh let’s hope not. That will make for a memorable holiday time and not in a good way.
On large vs. small school: We had a lot of the same discussions about this, as the kiddo initally wanted really big because he just wants to be in a place where not everyone knows all of his business. I think he has since come to realize that 3000 is still way bigger than his teeny tiny old school, and that there will be many people he never meets during his four years at a smaller school. I went to a LAC with about 2200 students at the time, and I definitely did not know everyone in my class, let alone the school, and I also think there are far more groups and clubs at schools nowadays than there were back in the (super cool) stone age of the early 90s, which I would think makes it easier to find people with similar interests.
It’s not the initial posters on Reddit that concern me, it’s the 30 or 40 kids who reply to them, saying the same thing. It’s actually amazing how many kids talk about joining clubs and other outlets and it’s still challenging. I know it’s not every kid, but if you’re already going in with some knocks against you- adhd, trans, shy- it’s not giving me confidence.
I would encourage your kid to apply to a few small and medium ones if for no other reason than it can’t hurt. One piece of advice I received and shared with my D25 is that they go to college nearly a full year after submitting all of these applications. A lot can change in that time. It can’t hurt to apply to at least 1-2 that are different than the others. They can then, hopefully, go to admitted student days and get a feel for campus before making a final decision.
I have a very similar '25 son. He’s at a single gender Jesuit HS. ADHD, heavy on executive dysfunction. LGBTQ+. Applied to majority Jesuit and LACs with two large CSU’s and one large OOS public.
He’s leaning towards small Jesuits and LACs because he realizes he thrives in small classroom settings where he can establish a relationship with his teacher. However, socially, it takes him quite awhile to warm up. While he’s found his niche now, it took him a good 1-2 years to find his footing with groups and clubs. I’ve realized that in small environments, he has less self confidence to put him self out there. The spotlight might be too big if it’s a group of 5-10 kids whereas a large group allows him to blend in. So while academically, a smaller school should be a great fit, I worry socially about the smaller schools.
We quickly learned on campus tours and virtual sessions that he wouldn’t learn of ALL the social offerings at a campus. After a tip from a fellow parent, he and I both started looking at social media posts of various clubs. Sometimes, the websites linked via the college site weren’t very informative. Via IG especially, he could see how frequently clubs meet, where, what sort of social offerings were available. He even connected with a few DnD groups (his main passion!) via Discord servers. The individual school subreddits often have kids posting they’re lonely. But, I’ve been happy to see a number of replies asking to meet up for coffee, in the library, etc. It will take a bit of work for my son to put himself out there but it does appear that a lot of kids are in the same boat!
I don’t have the experience you’re asking for but sense with a little bit of digging, there are many opportunities for our introverted leaning kids to find their people.
Thank you! Unfortunately Bryn Mawr is a women’s college, and if even they allow trans men it would not be a fit. My son said that women’s colleges that allow trans men are actually saying that trans men are not really men, because they don’t allow cis men. I tried to get him to look at Mt Holyoke but it was a non starter. Honestly, I can understand his viewpoint. They are trying to be inclusive but in doing so can alienate a group they’re trying to include. We also toured Haverford but the whole location was off putting to him. His list is set. It’s a good list, a mix of large and small. I have no idea where he’ll end up. I’m trying to get him to complete the Carleton app. We toured it, both liked it, but the small town was tough for him. I kept talking about the bus ride that can get you to Mall of America in 40 minutes and Dinkytown in 45.
My D can be pretty shy and at first thought she wanted to go to a huge school to not be noticed. She’s since decided that a small or medium one might be a better fit. The one she really wants to attend is shockingly small considering how she began her search. A few of the medium to large (7,000 - 10,000) are colleges where she is also applying to be in the honors program. The thinking was she might get the advantages of anonymity when she wants it, but have access to some smaller, seminar classes too.
I have to give two special shoutouts to the Financial Aid offices at Clark and Middlebury. We have some unusual financial circumstances involving the non-custodial parent waiver for CSS and special circumstances added to the FAFSA. Both schools sent personal emails to S25 to acknowledge they had read everything, approved the waiver or special information, and would be mindful of all if he was accepted when putting together his FA package—such a lovely, caring touch.
My trans son said this exact thing about the women’s colleges. I thought Mount Holyoke would be an option (I am an alumna of another women’s college), but even their policy wording was off-putting for my son.
It seems FedEx/UPS has already settled into “winter mode” and deemed the scant 4 inches of snow on our steep driveway “too much” and delivered our package to our business up the road, as they tend to do once winter really sets in … where husband promptly collected it, brought it home, saw where it shipped from but neglected to see my name and not S25’s on the address, said “hey you’ve got a package” to the eager college applicant and handed it off. Guess who left the house in their new, fate-tempting swag today? No comment.
