http://www.wsj.com/articles/the-right-way-to-speak-to-children-1483711019
"We tell our kids what we want them to say (“Say sorry!”); how we want them to feel (“You’re OK!”); what we want them to do (“Behave yourself!”); and what will happen if they don’t (“Do you want a timeout?”).
In other words, parentspeak is about compliance—and that often keeps us from understanding the feelings, motivations, thoughts and behavior of our children. Rather than teaching them to communicate and problem solve, we are essentially teaching them to obey."
To me it seems ridiculous to apply this POV as a universal rule. Did you let your little kids make the decisions? If so, which ones?
I never said any of those things to either kid.
The article is behind a paywall so don’t know what it’s point is.
Perhaps I should have used a longer quote in the opening post. I have not used many corrective phrases either (did not really need to), but the author also included ‘positive’ statements as an example. I certainly said “good job” or “be careful” to my kids.
ETA: well, since there is a paywall… This is a really short article, so I hope the mods don’t mind if I post the whole thing.
MODERATOR’S NOTE:
Yup, I minded. More to the point, the WSJ would mind. Deleted.
This just gives me the creeps. It’s as if children are put in the position to make us feel good. While this may be a tamer version of similar requests, I am proud to say I NEVER implied to my kids they had to kiss (or hug) anyone. That’s just something the person on the receiving end has to ask permission for, not demand (and that’s how this question comes across). I am so happy to see that some parenting movements are becoming more vocal about teaching their kids to check their gut feelings before permitting any kind of affectionate contact.
Agreed, never used that either. I wonder whether the author used provocative examples on purpose to make the point. But is this really wrong to say “good job”, or to say “no” when appropriate?
I really didn’t parent this way. If anything, I tend to do this sort of knee-jerk thing more often now (whenever I get myself exasperated with a young teen, when I’m assuming she should “know” better by now.) I hated it when people said to children “say you’re sorry!” To me, there’s nothing worse than a resentful, still-angry apology. I hate it when adults say they’re sorry to me when they’re not. I would rather hear difficult things and negotiate a solution than to do the fake sorry thing that does no good in the long run. Also, the pat response, “share!” Of course, we should teach children to share, but why do we think two-year-olds or five-year olds will know concretely how to do this when most adults really don’t either. (Any Dear Abby-type column will show you that!) If your neighbor should just suddenly seize a prized possession of yours (a car? a power tool? a sentimental object? and start flinging it about we might get mad too, lol!
What I did do was lots of explaining, talking to her about why things should be done in a certain way (kind of like a translator to the world.) and lots of talk about what people might be feeling in any given situation. " I.e., I didn’t say "be quiet in the library, I said “lots of people can’t read in here when people are talking so if you need to talk we have to go outside.” She got it. She didn’t want to go outside. We read lots and lots of stories…HOURS of stories… for fun, but I also think fiction teaches empathy, when people identify with the various characters. This was no so much a “child-rearing strategy” on my part but just the way I intuitively felt.
Lots of people looked at me as if I were nuts, during this time but it worked well for us. I thought people really misunderstood how wise a young child COULD be. I really, really enjoyed my daughter’s company and we talked all the time, all day. I look back and realize this approach could have backfired with a different child, one with a more physically active, impulsive, exploratory temperament. There may be children who need simple commands at certain stages of their development, kids that are less verbal and more experiential. But coincidentally for us ( we adopted ours, so no genetic similarity) DDs temperament was ALL about the relationships with others, even as a baby, so we were a fit. I used to worry a bit because she seemed little interested in dragging out the pots and pans in the cabinet, piling blocks, or investigating toys very much other than dolls or animals. With some consternation I realized she would probably never be an engineer! She loved talking and being read to. and dancing. For her, toys were mostly accessories for interaction. Once when she was 1 1/2, she was sitting on the floor in a pile of toys surrounded by other toddlers. One grabbed another’s toy, the grabee, of course bawled loudly, and I saw my child stare quietly at this scene for a moment, look down, locate an identical toy to the one grabbed, and hand it to the crying child. I knew then that would be her own kind of brilliance. She’s still pretty much that kid.
I always talked in full sentences to mine. And learned VERY early with D2 to give her choices where possible, but only with options I was willing to allow her to choose. 
@teriwitt, I had to put my foot down hard with my MIL about the kissing thing, and I’m afraid it set off a power struggle with her that never resolved satisfactorily but I still don’t regret prevailing.
MIL was visiting and DD was about two. DD didn’t know grandmother very well yet (lived a good distance away) and DD needs a bit of time to establish trust. MIL kept saying "Awww come on pleeeaaase, a kiss? while DD stared at her seriously, wide-eyed. Then MIL started doing the guilt thing, Awww, I’m sad, I’m so sad, I need you to cheer me up with a kiss. That was quite enough for me and I stopped it right there. MIL had to go for a walk she was so mad. I tried to explain to her my rationale (predators use that same tactic, as do hormonal teens, I don’t want her to get into the habit of giving affection on demand), but that offended MIL even more. Well, too bad! My kid is my main concern!
@intparent, that would drive me crazy when parents wouldn’t follow through with the choices (or the pre-stated consequences.) How would the kid ever believe a parent like that about anything?
Well, D1 would always chose the more attractive choice, so it was sometimes safe to give an alternative that wasn’t as preferable for me. But D2… whoo, boy. Nope. I was not the only one who learned to be precise with her, too. When she was sent to the school principal in kindergarten for biting another kid on the ankle (don’t get me started), after getting reprimanded the principal asked if she was ready to go back to class. And she said, “No!”. So the principal said, “I have a meeting for 15 minutes. You can sit in this chair outside my office. At the end of that time, you are going back to class.” Principal told me later that no kid had ever said “No” to that question before. 
LOL, @intparent, is your D2 a trial attorney now, or something else that takes nerves of steel?
Physics major. Precision is important.
Lol. I assume most of us have decent, reasonably well-behaved, sensitive kids, whether we intentionally convinced them with words to adopt the behavior we wanted or simply told them the expectations.
Does everything really need to be explained? How about balance? (I’m holding myself back, btw.)
Maybe it was not so much a matter of explaining everything, but still, more a running conversation rather than quick directives. Commands may be great for some kids, just saying our interactive style worked for us. (She did a good bit of the talking/asking too. ) Still does work most of the time and my kid doesn’t seem super-bored with me yet 
As I said, it might have backfired with another kid. Glad to have been entertaining, @lookingforward.
I have vivid, vivid memories of my childhood. Wondered why things were the way they were and why adults behaved in certain ways. Guess I was a strange, introspective child, who turned into a strange, introspective adult. But I do feel I have an intuitive sense for some young children’s minds and emotions that have served me well. I’ve done a good bit of counseling with traumatized children ( abused foster children, kids with murdered family members) in an earlier period of life and I hope I have done some good.
HA! @intparent, my husband is a chemist, and I have been shocked, shocked (outside of mathematical formulas and his actual work) how very imprecise he can be! As if he uses all of that part of his brain in his professional life and has nothing left over for the triviality called daily life At least your daughter is consistent.
Don’t worry, @inthegarden , I was aware of this advice, as was my own mother, when I was little. I fondly remember some of her explanations. Plus many of us grew up knowing about things like Summerhill.
We were aware of our girls’ sensitivities and inquisitiveness, but also knew when to draw the line. I just think that, in the whole, whether one explains with words, gives a choice to behave appropriately or leave, or simply tells them the expectation, it’s still about getting them to do what we want. Or what society expects. Or to teach them to be respectful and kind. Structure can be a good thing, to a child, part of the comforts they need. Not abusive, not in an extreme, but a sense of order and trust.
Yes, sometimes explaining works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes the timing is wrong. When a cranky toddler refuses to put on his coat, there is no use of convincing or explaining the benefits of wearing warm clothes in the winter if you knew that the real issue had nothing to do with choosing an outfit, but rather sleep deprivation, or coming down with a virus etc. So the most effective strategy is to distract, praise, and get dressed asap. I also believe that setting up healthy boundaries makes children feel secure, so sometimes I would explain my reasons and make the decision. For example, I never allowed weekday sleepovers, even though the kids were not happy.
I see @lookingforward, but I guess my mind runs to so many scenes of listening to other parents (nice, kind, non-abusive parents) repeating “sensible” directives to kids who then refused to do those things. Seemed a power/control thing that the kids were playing like a game…then when there were consequences (which you have to hold the kid to if you’re going to use that approach and the kid refuses) then a lot of wailing ensues. It actually seemed a good deal more efficient to me to matter of factly explain things, treat the kid as a sensible ally. I started with the assumption that if the practical “why” of something was explained, you might get quicker cooperation. It worked for us. Wouldn’t for everyone, but I don’t think the constant, strong directives thing would have been too successful with mine. I’m not saying I never said “get your coat, let’s go” or anything like that; I don’t think I was ridiculous.
Once I lived in the middle of DC with a postage stamp backyard. I planted a bunch of flowers. All the neighbors around warned me they would be destroyed and trampled by a group of roving kids (around 8-12 years old) who would jump walls and fences and wreck havoc in people’s yards. One man told me things these kids would do to intentionally destroy his yard and called them hoodlems, and said he had to yell at them a lot to get them off his property. I didn’t doubt the kids caused some problems. Soon after I saw the kids running in my yard and called out to them. They started running away but I called out that I wouldn’t yell if they would listen for a minute. Said I knew they probably didn’t have any other place to play and that I didn’t mind if they came into my yard. Just pointed out the flower beds and how I had worked hard to put them in and where it would be OK to run, etc. Those kids never crushed a flower in my yard for the next two years. All I did was treat them as if they were reasonable. And it worked. That sort of thing doesn’t always work, but I think it’ tends to be a good place to start.
Also (And then I’ll go, I really will) I’m not implying lack of structure. I’m not implying that by explaining I sent a message that it was still OK to misbehave. I didn’t give my kid a million choices. Maybe two or three, or maybe even no choice but to do whatever we were doing, but I would briefly state why we were doing certain things if she had a different idea, Because that was just part of our conversational style.