<p>How many of you sandwich generation folks have been through the process of estate dissolution and sale of property long distance? I dealt with some of this when my mother passed away, but am now about to face this on a somewhat larger scale. My father has been hospitalized for about 10 days and prognosis is grim. I have begun the funeral planning, reaching out to realtors, appraisers, estate sale people, etc. This is all long distance and not very easy. Has anyone here handled this stuff long distance? Any pointers? This is no fun.</p>
<p>Jym - other than the funeral planning, all that other stuff can wait. Just be with your dad now and know the rest will fall into place when the time is right. You won’t have this time back with your dad.</p>
<p>My sister and I have been executors for both our parents. (If your parents are divorced, as ours were, you get to do this twice.)</p>
<p>My take on the situation:</p>
<p>You need three competent people in your father’s community: a lawyer who does estate work, a real estate agent, and a funeral director. Try to get recommendations for all three from local people – neighbors, friends of your father’s, etc. Don’t just take the first name in the phone book, and PLEASE don’t automatically use the attorney who prepared your father’s will. (My sister and I made this mistake. It turned out that the attorney who prepared my father’s will – a relatively simple task – was not up to the more complex task of handling his estate. It took five years to settle an uncontested estate that should have been settled in 18 months, like my mother’s.)</p>
<p>Your three professionals should be able to refer you to all the other services you may need – accountants, estate sale people, contractors (if the house needs fixing up before it is sold), whatever. Lawyers know accountants, funeral directors know everyone else whose business in any way relates to death, and real estate agents know EVERYONE. </p>
<p>Almost everything can be done long distance. You shouldn’t need to make more than a few trips to your father’s community. My sister lives in California. I live in Maryland. Our parents lived in Connecticut and Florida. In each case, one of us traveled to the parent’s community twice, and the other one traveled there once. Everything else was done long distance.</p>
<p>The important thing is to have the right people working for you. We had an easy time with my mother’s estate (the first one we had to handle) because we had good people working for us. With my father’s estate, we were much hampered by an incompetent lawyer (although the funeral director and real estate agent were great). </p>
<p>A few specifics:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>After your father’s death, while you are in his community preparing for the funeral, go to the post office and fill out a change of address form for him, as though he were moving in with you. Sign his name. This is illegal, but do it anyway. You (if you are executor) need to receive his mail (it may be the only way to know what accounts he has and what bills need to be paid), and it is amazingly difficult to get the mail sent to you if you don’t cheat this way.</p></li>
<li><p>Get even more death certificates and copies of the document that says that you are the executor than the funeral director and the lawyer recommend. You will need them. When the time comes for you to close your father’s accounts (credit cards, etc.), you will need proof that 1) he has died, and 2) you have the authority to do this. That’s what the documents are for. </p></li>
<li><p>Don’t forget that your father’s 2010 income taxes need to be paid. Chances are, he hasn’t filed his tax return.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>So sorry your are going thru this.</p>
<p>I mentioned selling my house in CA last month. The hardest part was finding a good lawyer. I made 2 wrong moves. Getting a personal recommendation for the 3rd made all the difference. I did everything by e-mail. The realtors were referred by lawyer, they got the cleaning and repair people, staged and sold property.</p>
<p>If you are looking for estate lawyer, funeral planners, etc, in SE FL, I can steer you. I just finalized my own funeral stuff.</p>
<p>Thanks, everyone.
My folks weren’t divorced (mom went into the hospital almost 7 yrs ago to the day before she ultimately passed away) and I handled virtually everything after she died because my dad fell apart. I have been handling most all of his stuff (including his taxes) for the past 7 years, so this is nothing new. One of the few things I had him do was sign the checks for his bills (we had a wonderful geriatric case manager who helps with this) so I will have to change his address. I think I can now also do that on line, but will go to the post office if I need to. </p>
<p>The wonderful pointers you have all shared help me feel like I am on the right track. The only thing I havent done so well is what teriwtt suggested - to stay in the moment. Its less painful to think ahead than to what is going on now.</p>
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<p>For some of us, settling our parents’ affairs is the way in which we cope with losing them. It’s the last thing we ever do for them, after all. And it provides opportunities to work through your feelings – at least it did for me.</p>
<p>If your father’s illness is such that there really isn’t anything you can do for him, it makes sense to me to start thinking ahead to the time when you will be able to do something constructive for him and the rest of your family – by making sure his affairs are settled in the way he would have wanted.</p>
<p>Both of my parents died suddenly. There was no preparation, no warning, and no chance to say goodbye. Despite all the work and frustration (especially with that awful lawyer), I’m glad that I was involved in settling their affairs. It gave me a chance to process the losses and feel like a daughter for a little while longer.</p>
<p>I am so sorry, Marion. Thats so difficult to lose both parents suddenly. Then again, watching each parent slowly go over several weeks with a loss of dignity is equally painful…</p>
<p>jym626 - so sorry to hear about this. It must be hard long distance. This is something we all have to deal with at some point, but it still doesn’t make it easy.</p>
<p>One thing that I found helpful was to have a good tax accountant to handle the income taxes and estate taxes. With faxes and e-mail, it isn’t hard to do things out of state. It was one less thing for me to worry about. My biggest challenge was finding a good real estate agent.</p>
<p>Jym626 – I had times when it was hard to “stay in the moment” and when it was easier to plan ahead – I think that’s part of my coping strategy and it might be part of yours too. I don’t think that is really a problem. I agree with Marian on the post office – they are a PITA if you start by telling them that someone has died. </p>
<p>Sending good thoughts…</p>
<p>Thanks, arabrab and everyone. This is definitely no fun. I just did the change of address on line. As long as there is a credit card attached to that person’s name/address for verification, and they charge a dollar to the card, the change can be done on line. They accept a POA doing it, so all is good. </p>
<p>I think I am like you arabrab and Marian. Being organized and taking care of things is a good coping mechanism. It hels put some limits/boundaries aroudn the chaos.</p>
<p>Thanks too, oldfort, for your kind words.</p>
<p>bookworm-
He’s in the NE, where everything is under a mound of snow :(</p>
<p>Onward, did you find a good realtor? I think I have done so, and its a great relief.</p>
<p>The lawyer who will handle the estate handled my moms. He also set up their trust (back when the economy ws good and they had some assets), so hopefully it’ll be ok. I have known him for a very long time, so I feel like we are in good hands. The realtor was recommended by a neighbor and family friend/attorney who can do the closing with the realtor, so all is starting to fall into place. And best of all, his son owns a cleaning business!! Jackpot!!</p>
<p>Whoosh. You got just about all you need with one phone call!! </p>
<p>Thinking of you. Hugs.</p>
<p>jym, I’m so very sorry. Marian’s advice is excellent; the geriatric case manager (such a smart idea to have one) will probably be able to help you with local contacts as needed. Don’t have anything to add except that I wish you and your family the best at this sad time. We’ll be thinking of you - hope you can keep us posted when you can.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have most of the “planning ahead things” under control. Remember to take care of yourself and your family too. This is such a hard time for your and your family. Give each other hugs. You deserve them.</p>
<p>jym ~ so sorry you are going through this. I have done it for each of my parents, but they were close by. My suggestion was already mentioned by Onward, and that is to add a good accountant to your team of professionals. Lawyers don’t always know the intricacies of the taxes.</p>
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<p><em>sigh</em>, very true.</p>
<p>The good news is we have longevity with some of my dad’s support systems-- the lawyer, his accountant, etc. I’ve gotten to kow all these folks quite well because I have been handling most of his stuff for the past 7 years. I put a call into the accountant the other day–didnt hear back yet.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. And it’s not only our own parents we have to deal with – it’s often also our spouse’s parents – so I think we should we should change our name from “sandwich generation” to “club sandwich generation” because there’s an extra layer in there.</p>
<p>When my father died, my mother was still able to participate in everything; same with my husband’s father when his mother died. But the one piece of advice I could offer is from my friend, whose father died and her mother was all alone in the Midwest, grappling with the funeral, her own medical issues, and selling the house. My friend (who lives in the NYC area) hired this firm called “tender transitions”. They’re Christian based, and they came in to the house and asked in a kind way, what do you want to keep? They carefully boxed up those things, and they cart away the rest. Which is what family members would do if they lived nearby. So maybe check them out – it might relieve a lot of stress of having to clean out the house. You have enough on your plate.</p>
<p>Hang in there.</p>
<p>I feel for you jym626. I too am going through the process at this time, as my mom died in December and I am the executrix. My situation is different than yours. But the stress is tremendous and the distance makes it worse.</p>
<p>One thing I have learned is to make sure whatever child we (H & I) designate as executor is willing, knowledgeable and prepared for what has to be done. I have talked to my children and we all have agreed which child should be executor. It means we (H & I) have to change our will.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. Some good advise has been given. Getting a good lawyer is most important. See if your lawyer charges different hourly rates. My attorney charges an hourly rate for his time but a much cheaper rate per hour for a legal assistants time. Many of the things that need to be done can be done by a legal assistant.</p>
<p>Lots of good pointers here. I jsut asked DH who was executor/executrix of out estate, and he said he thought it was his sister, who really is not in great health and has already done it for their dad. So, we will talk to our kids and probably change it to older s. </p>
<p>Love the “club sandwich” title, classof 2015!! You are so right! This is the last of our parents. After my dad goes, DH and I are both orphans :(</p>
<p>I’m so sorry jym for what you are going through. I wish I had the chance to say goodbye and thankyou. My heart goes out to you.</p>