<p>jym - Enjoy what your friends have set up back at home and don’t do anything just let them help you, bask in their love for you. There will be lots of quiet time to come where the phone doesn’t ring, the doorbell is silent, where you can be alone with your thoughts. I felt like I sucked all that good support in during those early days and now, I have them to draw upon. You sound like me, I felt like I had to get the place all clean and mop floors, dust, clean baths. I did enlist my kids to help and it helped me to have that off my “to do” list. But I don’t think anyone would’ve noticed anything at all. It made me feel better so we did it but you don’t have to. I’m so sorry for your loss. Take a breath and exhale.</p>
<p>I just had a really tough morning with my dad. I don’t want to digress on this thread, but reading these comments make me realize that I must try harder to be patient with him. I don’t know how long he will be around (sometimes I think he will outlast me), but I need to remember that my time with him is precious. My sympathies to those of you who have suffered losses. I really can’t imagine what life will be like when I no longer have my folks.</p>
<p>JYM–This is my cyber shiva call! Though I am not religious AT ALL, there are times the traditions of “the tribe” make some sense to me. For example, sit on the darn shiva bench (or sofa, chair, whatever) and let other people wait on you. You are in mourning and if you play the part, others will play theirs. They will help you, get you food, clean up, etc. You must let them. </p>
<p>Secondly, we cover the mirrors for good reason. This isn’t a time to give a d---- about how you look. You just have to show up (easy enough since it’s at your house) and just let it be. </p>
<p>My thoughts are with all of you having a similarly difficult time.</p>
<p>worknprogress
I understand how tough it is to be patient when they get difficult. IT is perfectly fine to digress here-- I hope this thread helps all who are going through this in a variety of ways. Please feel free to post anything here, even if you think it is digressive.</p>
<p>amandakayak and vitrac-
I am trying hard to set some limits. I came home last night and just crashed. Am totally exhausted. My DH unpacked the 2 huge suitcases of his past 7 yrs of bills/tax records that we need to keep. Such fun. Now I will clean the house a bit in preparation for tonight. </p>
<p>By the way amandakayak-- I did ask someone <em>else</em> to pick up the relatives from the train station who needed a ride Fri night while I had the houseful of visitors. I was a little busy, shall we say, and not about to leave to pick them up. They got off on the wrong side of the station and didnt see the taxi stand. My DH picked them up. Sheesh.</p>
<p>Thinking of you today, jym, and the others on this thread who are in a similar situation. Wish I could think of a single suggestion that would lift some of the burden and ease some of the sadness. Sending my best wishes for peace at such a difficult time.</p>
<p>Just said goodbye to the last of the 50+ people who were here tonight. So nice to be encircled by friends at a time like this. At least 3 different friends independently offered to fly up to NY with me to go through stuff and pack it up. That was just incredible. Compare that to my selfish grubbing relatives. Wow. Just wow.</p>
<p>Glad that you got some support from your friends. Sending on-line hugs as well. </p>
<p>Take a deep breath and a long bath and worry about everything else later.</p>
<p>Jym - Glad you had such a great outpouring of support from all your friends. It’s a great litmus test of relatives/friends and I was a bit surprised by some who disappeared on me when I needed a shoulder the most and then totally amazed by the ones that rose above and came to my side. Hugs from across cyber space.</p>
<p>Jym – I hope you can take up the offer from one or two of your friends. It really does make things easier.</p>
<p>We can create our “family” with loved ones that have no blood connection. It looks like you have created a very loving FAMILY of friends. Cherish them as they cherish you and allow them to help in ways that work for you. It is a gift to everyone and celebrates your friendship.</p>
<p>jym… sending hugs and peace your way.</p>
<p>It truly is amazing to find out that some friends are more than family in times of need.</p>
<p>My best friend has been called “Auntie” since my kids were born. One day my DD asked- “momma, how come “auntie T” is black and “auntie P” is white?”</p>
<p>I had to explain that her Auntie T is the sister from my heart and not a blood sister like her other Aunt. Funny thing is, Auntie T will do anything or be there for me at the drop of a hat. My own sister, not so much.</p>
<p>We make our own family and surround ourselves with the people that complete us- spouses and friends.</p>
<p>Glad I found this thread. I will have to read it when things settle down.</p>
<p>I saw the title, sale of property, and just wanted to give others a heads up on what we experienced when we sold the house my mom lived in for only a few months.</p>
<p>My siblings and I owned the house. We bought it for my mother to live in until she died. When she went to live in an assisted living facility, we sold the house, with the intent to use the proceeds to pay her rent. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, one of my siblings died before the sale of the house, leaving behind minor children. Though our intent was for the full amount of the sale to go toward my mother’s care, we were forced to pay my brother’s share of the proceeds to his minor children. My mother is outliving the remaining proceeds of the sale, and we will now have to qualify her for Medicaid.</p>
<p>Just wanted to give people a heads up on this, as the law protects minor children before the elderly, it seems. Despite the fact that my brother left a sizable insurance policy for his wife and children, they still walked away with money that was intended for my mom.</p>
<p>Montegut - I think this might fall under “No good deed goes unpunished.” Kudos to you and your siblings for doing the right thing by your Mom.</p>
<p>Oh my, Montegut, that is rough, obviously no one thought your sibling would die before Mom, but it is interesting that there was not a way to do what was planned. No work around. Good warnings for the rest of us, just because something makes sense, and even if everyone is in agreement, you are not always able to do what was planned.</p>
<p>As a current executor and trustee, I am really putting a lot of thought into these potential complications.</p>
<p>I had a relative die intestate with an estate for which she was a partial beneficiary having been partially distributed. It was a mess, and it is still not completely resolved. She was divorced, and her child was still a minor. Headaches galore (in every possible sense.)</p>
<p>Oh Montegut, that is so sad. It is hard enough coping with the day to day issues that arise because of aging, fragile parents, but dealing with such complications would be the last straw.</p>
<p>Montegut’s story shows the importance of having a will. The state’s intestacy laws cannot be written for every conceivable situation.</p>
<p>So sorry to hear that, montegut. THis is all so unfair. I wont even get into what my sibling is now pulling. It would curl your toes.</p>
<p>It is unfortunate that Montegut’s mom did not get to use money that sounds like it was originally her own (from the sale of her house). </p>
<p>While it would have helped if the son that predeceased his mother had a will disposing of his interest in the house, it bears mention that the house could have been owned by a trust for the mother’s benefit, then the proceeds could have gone back to the trust and the money would not have gone to the deceased brother’s estate. I would like to emphasize that a good lawyer specializing in trusts and estates should be consulted when planning for elderly parents. There are many types of trusts that can be used for different purposes. Sometimes one spouse needs to be protected when the other becomes ill. Sometimes a surviving spouse needs to be protected. The arrangements can be tailored to personal needs.</p>
<p>Of course all this advice is well and good, but it is not always so easy to implement. Anybody out there having a hard time getting their parents to arrange their “affairs” properly? Do they get irrational when you want to talk to them? Do they resent any input? These are all possibilities that are not uncommon. If anyone has advice for dealing with this it probably would be helpful.</p>
<p>Both my father and my brother died intestate, and we live in Louisiana, where something called usufruct is involved. Indigenous to our state. </p>
<p>Because my father died intestate, the proceeds of his estate had to be divided between his children, even though they were major, and his spouse. He had discussed with my mother that he wanted to leave everything to her, as we all had college educations and could make our own way, but he never did get around to writing up a will. He was not ill. He developed a heart condition and passed away at work of a massive heart attack within a few months. Same with my brother. He was not ill, only 40 years old, but he had a bad reaction to a new medication and died suddenly as well. </p>
<p>One thing I can say about our local lawyers is that they did make sure that when the siblings purchased and sold property together for my mother’s use, it was always stated very clearly, and the spouses had to sign off on this, that the property was “separate property”. I’m not a lawyer, but I think it means that in case of a divorce, the spouse would not be able to claim that property under the community. I think it also would pass to our children upon our death, rather than our spouse. Again, I’m not a lawyer, but those of you dealing with family property may want to make sure any property that is yours alone is protected from divorce. While we do not want to think about divorce occurring, just as we don’t want to think about a sudden death, it is something you should think about when doing future planning.</p>