<p>One more thought, jym…You are very kind because those figurines are not really his to claim. Once he gave them, they were gifted to your parents. It is more than kind that you are agreeing to give them to him. Am I missing something?</p>
<p>Oh, and that relative, why is even talking to you about these little things now? I find it most insensitive and rude.</p>
<p>I’m speechless as well! These people sound like a bunch of demanding vultures. Stand your ground, jym, and don’t cater to their ridiculous requests - you have enough on your plate right now. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>We are going through a gazillion old insurance policies. Probably all cancelled. Found old stock certificates from defunct companies too. Nothing good yet. No stashes of $$ like everyone else (friends) seem to have found at their parents. I rolled a dollar in pennies. Oh boy.</p>
<p>Two nice but non-functional watches. Will give one to my brother probably. Not that he deserves a Concord watch. Its probably worth more than the other one we have (the other is a bigger and older watch) but the older one is the one I picture my dad wearing. And I really dont need them, and my guys dont want them.</p>
<p>I have to go write a eulogy to tell the rabbi. She wrote one based on my memories and I dont know what she will say.</p>
<p>Slow down and breate, delegate. Tell brother or BIL to look in phone book for appraisor or ask one of the local women. Tell greedy relatives that nothing leaves the house until apprisal done. Unless Will states that specific items go to a certain idividual, then its not your decision. Being nice to one person can get you in trouble with another.</p>
<p>The estate can wait, now is the time to grieve.</p>
<p>…been there, done that…</p>
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<p>Let’s hope it isn’t a plate that some long-lost relative wants poor Jym to gift wrap and ship to them!</p>
<p>Oh, my heavens, Jym! I will say that the demands are so utterly ridiculous that my path to sanity would be in thinking what great stories they will make. Honestly - you have the makings of a great movie here. Please forgive me if I am being insensitive - but truly it is the only way I could get through this if I were you.</p>
<p>No offense taken at all. You are very right about my family. One cousin’s wife was incensed that we werent sitting shiva here in NY because she isnt planing to come to the funeral but wanted to see the family. We are coming back to the house after the internment so they can come then (we will have food which is probably what she wants). But hello-- you dont sit shiva Fri night or Sat and I am sorry if we are inconveniencing you. Sheesh. There is no one here anymore- doubt we’d even have a minyon. In the meantime, what my friends back home are planning for Sunday shiva sounds nothing short of colossal. I am being copied on emails going around. WIll have enough food for an army, and probably will have 100 people at my house. Whoa. But it is humbling to know so many people care.</p>
<p>jym, get your H and BIL to put the boxes of tchotchkes and valuables away where the relatives can’t rummage through them when they all come over to eat after the service. Mourners don’t leave with parting gifts.</p>
<p>Are you the only one with a key to your dad’s house?</p>
<p>I am glad your dad’s shul caring committee is coming to help, and am even more delighted that when you get home, you will be surrounded by the loving arms and hearts of your friends.</p>
<p>Please accept my condolences, Jym, and you also amandakayak and Ohiomom24. It’s never easy, even when death is expected. I’m sorry for your losses and hope you all receive comfort and find peace.</p>
<p>Jym, please don’t let anyone trouble you about <em>things</em> right now. Maybe it would help to simply respond to every request, whether for a ride or for some belonging, with “I’m afraid that won’t be possible” and then say goodbye quickly and hang up/walk away as you dismiss them from your mind. You won’t be rude in doing that - they were the rude ones to make those requests. </p>
<p>If anyone persists in troubling you about wanting some item you could say that nothing can be given away until your lawyer has approved the distribution. You may want to consider having door locks rekeyed (it’s pretty cheap) if you don’t know for certain who has a key. I’ve witnessed shockingly deplorable behavior after the death of some of my relatives.</p>
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<p>Here’s what. The rabbi, if good and this one sounds that, interviews the closest relatives to get a handle on their perspective. Even if the clergy knew the deceased, they may have only known that person as an elder and wants to hear more from younger years, to add to her total understanding. If clergy and deceased never met, or barely met, the recollections of the children are all the more essential to the clergy’s eulogy. I’m so glad she interviewed you.</p>
<p>Now, that experienced, highly trained rabbi is likely at home in front of her computer, taking your memories and stories from others, and framing them within something that has larger context, poetry,a scriptural segue and so forth. </p>
<p>At the funeral, she will be able to deliver her words without falling apart emotionally. Trust her! Let her words wash over and console you tomorrow. You may hear back some of the anecdotes you told her and be amazed at how she reframed them to have even greater meaning.
You might miss some, but at the shiva there is ample opportunity to share more stories with others, both near yoru Dad and when you return home to your friends.</p>
<p>Jym, I’m tellin’ ya: there is no need for you to write a eulogy for her to give. </p>
<p>BUT… if you want to speak yourself, ask to. As the daughter, you can do that without inviting the whole gathering to also speak. Yours can be in addition to hers and shouldn/t/needn/t be a replacement. </p>
<p>And if, at the last minute when called upon…you don’t want to speak your own prepared remarks, just don’t; hand her the paper to read for you (make it legible!). You may or may not feel like speaking right then. </p>
<p>When you hear her eulogy, I anticipate you will find she included some things you said. In the interests of time, she’ll have left other stories out. It’s all okay. </p>
<p>Her job is to speak about your father to the assembled group. Many mourners cannot, or choose not to, speak at their loved one’s funerals, even if they are talented speakers under normal circumstances.</p>
<p>If you want to speak tomorrow, call and ask her now (it’s not too late) if you can also say a few words tomorrow. I did that at my grandfather and father’s funeral, along with some brothers and cousins…but it also meant I stayed up most of that night writing and rewriting. </p>
<p>It will be okay. Do not worry. Let her do her job. Understand that you can ask to also speak, but only if you prefer to. And that’s not an open invite to anyone else to speak, either. The rabbi’s in charge of the service always. If a distant relative or friend asks you last-minute if they may speak publicly, you say (memorize this): “the rabbi’s in charge of the service, ask her.” Beforehand, you tell the rabbi your wishes and she’ll either include or decline anyone according to your pre-guidance. This happens all the time among families.</p>
<p>If you speak, you in fairness should be prepared to have the rabbi also find out if your brother wants to speak, too. You occupy the same place on the family tree. Remember he has to grieve his way too…</p>
<p>Absolutely great advice above about hiding away the goods. Nobody should ever carry off objects from a shiva! Unthinkable.</p>
<p>If they start to even discuss objects during a shiva, I hope you can deliver through steely teeth: “We’re not talking about this now.” End of story. Unbelievable sometimes, isn’t it.</p>
<p>Jym … hugs and eye rolls for the “caring relatives”.</p>
<p>I agree with the advice to change the locks and hide the silver … or words to that effect. You CAN take a little time to catch your breath before you let people have their choice of collectibles. I know you live far away and need to get a certain amount of stuff done. The stuff WILL wait, tho’, while you just catch your breath for a day or two.<br>
"We need to have the estate process completed before distributions can be made. " That is a great answer… and then you can just say “The estate was processed according to law and Dad’s wishes.” And ignor the requests and responses!</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss grief and the good-grief grief!</p>
<p>Jym – Some folks apparently WERE born in a barn with the door open. Unfortunately, funerals do seem to bring out the thoughtlessness in some folks at a time when we don’t have a lot of resilience. One of my sisters kept repeating, quietly, “everyone grieves in his own way.” Helpful reminder when one of your other siblings has liberally decorated your mom’s casket with artificial flowers, or when two other family members begin arguing about who is going to get a certain piece of jewelry. </p>
<p>I hope that the service tomorrow brings comfort, and gives you at least a little time to remember some wonderful things about your dad. </p>
<p>Blessings…</p>
<p>eso and P3T, very good advice, among a great deal of wisdom on this thread. Can’t believe what you’re going through, jym. It’s been quite the roller coaster. Condolences and hugs for the loss of your dad. Wishing you peace during the service, if hard to find in the surrounding hours and circumstances. Hoping things become clearer and easier soon.</p>
<p>jym, you’ve been given such great advice here. Big hugs to you. There is so much to do when you’re the closest to a loved one who dies. Been there, done that with the relatives coming in. I’m so glad you have a network of support waiting for you at home. I wish for you in the days ahead some time and peace to sit quietly and think of your dad and mourn. You remain in my prayers.</p>
<p>So its 10 pm, people finally left, we have a TON to do, and now I have 2 houseguests :(</p>
<p>JYM-I assume you couldn’t avoid hosting the house guests. It probably would’ve been nice to be alone with your thoughts. Just remember ONE MORE DAY til you’re back home.</p>
<p>And whatever the service man did on the heat didnt work. Its 60 degrees in here</p>
<p>On the bright side, that might make the houseguests leave?</p>
<p>JYM, Amandakayak and Ohiomom:</p>
<p>Just checking in with you three…how’s it going? JYM, have you travelled back to your home yet?</p>
<p>This is a really sad time for all of you. Please take some quiet moments to process this all…it sure is overwhelming.</p>
<p>As for me, my mom is back at the nursing home after being hospitalized for 5 days. It truly is surreal thinking about her being in a nursing home at all! After living such an active and social lifestyle.</p>
<p>JYM, please just take one step at a time. That’s what any of us can do. How many children do you have? Home or away at school? Any way to get that brother of yours involved yet? Where does he live in relation to you and where your parent’s home is?</p>
<p>Amandakayak and Ohiomom…sorry again for your losses too. You are all in my thoughts and hope each day gets a bit easier.</p>
<p>Currently at the airport to head home. Had a chaotic morning with the heating repair and oil delivery guys at my dads house. We all FROZE last night and this morning. But now that we were leaving the house was toasty warm. </p>
<p>Am expecting a large gathering at my house tomorrow evening. It very sweet of everyone to pay their respects, but in truth I am so tired I really kinda wish I could just get some sleep and not have to worry about having a gazillion people at the house. Even though others will help set up and clean up, its hard for me to do nothing. I will be organizing and cleaning. </p>
<p>We did a lot of cleaning at my dads last night and this morning. Found a million old photos and memorabilia. It hasnt all really his yet.</p>
<p>Prayers to those of you also going through this.</p>
<p>Chchipcookie-
Best of luck with your mom</p>
<p>Jym - sending more hugs and good thoughts your way. Try to take it easy, but I know that it is easier said than done. I’m forever indebted to my sister who handled everything when our dad suddenly passed away.</p>