<p>sorry for your loss jym626!! and amandakayak!! thoughts are with you</p>
<p>jym–I am so sorry for your loss. I’m having a good cry right now on your behalf. It is so good that you were able to be with your father and be his advocate. Thank you for posting here, and thanks to all the others who are contributing as well.</p>
<p>My mother is in good health now, but the information here has been good for me to consider as I help her plan for the future.</p>
<p>jym: I am so sorry for your loss. My dad died last Friday night, so I know what you are going through. May you smile through the tears as you remember the happy times with both of your parents.</p>
<p>Thanks to jym for starting this thread – I have truly benefited as I have already used many of the suggestions you had for her. Now that the funeral is over, I am busying myself with paperwork and making arrangements for my mom’s care as she will need move to assisted living now. My dad was her primary caretaker. This is all so hard.</p>
<p>More hugs for jym and everyone else facing the loss or illness of a parent.
My dad was ill for years and died almost 3 years ago. After he died, I was blessed with memories of him from before he was ill. He was no longer suffering, mom was no longer overwhelmed with caretaking, and - in my mind - he was back to being my “real” dad, not my diseased dad. The illness and dying process was overwhelming; they clouded our vision of him, if that makes any sense. Now, the memories are a great comfort. Still miss him, but everyday has been easier.<br>
I hope the same for you. Please take care of yourself as you deal with the details. You have blessed this community with this thread.</p>
<p>jym–could you delegate some of those other duties to someone else? So sorry for your loss…</p>
<p>jym, take care of yourself and your immediate family first!</p>
<p>FWIW, when my dad died, while I was entering the funeral home, one of my mother’s “friends” (not a very close friend, but a friend) nearly bowled me over! She asked me why I did not call her to notify her of my father’s funeral. Well, my father died suddenly (so no advanced notice for planning) and I did not have phone numbers and names of my parent’s friends. My mother phoned a few people and asked those friends to phone others who were in their lives. We were dealing with our own grief and shock. My father was not old when he passed away. My point is that I think some people have unreasonable expectations. Jym, just take care of yourself, and your immediate family first. Sending hugs to you!</p>
<p>Jym - I’m sorry for people demanding things from you. I was the everything, the extra beds for a week, the meals, the funeral arrangements, the outfit chooser, cleaning the house from the EMS’ dirty feet, the communications director, the repast hostess. Just say no if you can’t help these achy painful people. And take help when offered. </p>
<p>I have few good friends but one very dear friend offered to set up the repast and told me what to order, what to get. She was there all shiny and perky to greet the crowd coming back to my house with a big coffee urn, all food heated up, flowers put around. It was the most wonderful gift anyone could have given. I am so grateful to her and it would’ve been easy to answer her “what can I do for you?” with a quick “nothing, thanks.” Let people help, and tell people what you will NOT DO.</p>
<p>Keeping Jym and all of you who are grieving in my thoughts and prayers.</p>
<p>Jym, suggest they contact each other and arrange a car service. No way you can do that right now on top of everything else, plus you’re not on home turf.</p>
<p>ohiomom: your dad just died too? Oy. Wow, so sorry to hear this.</p>
<p>Jym: It’s amazing what people ask of you who just don’t think! Your grieving process may very well begin after all this “mishigas” is over. Northeastmom: we had the same exact thing when my dad died…people LOVE to tell you what they think, even if you are the one who lost the family member, as if in your grief, you should have remembered to call THEM.</p>
<p>The role of caregiver in today’s day & age is one of the toughest roles of all (aside from being a parent ;))</p>
<p>My mom is back at the nursing home after being hospitalized for 5 days. She is medically stable once again. The best news of all…she got into a wheelchair and went to her therapy…actually a very major feat for her! She had been staying in her bed and refusing to get out. Maybe the little hospital stint sunk in with her. Even though she cannot speak or move half her body since her stroke last year, she is aware and can understand us and certainly recognize us. This also makes it so tough because she is aware of what has happened to her and is grieving her “old life” where she was incredibly social, active and involved. Can’t wait to be with her again in @2 weeks. My sister has been a “saint” in dealing with every facet of healthcare…issues with my mom’s home…all the bills…power of attorney stuff…she has a very good handle on it now, but is so overwhelmed…we’ve all taken some small responsibilites off her hands but unfortunately she still has the bulk of it. Many people have asked if we are going to sell my mom’s home…we would not dream of doing a thing like that while she’s still alive! Jeeesh!</p>
<p>Jym, why not ask the company arranging for the burial? </p>
<p>I just made my own funeral arrangements, and one car was part of contract. The owner would take care of many details, e.g. extra cars, a rabbi.</p>
<p>Jym–so sorry for your loss. And also to others on this thread dealing with recent losses. I’ve found this thread to be very helpful, as my parents are both dealing with various aging issues (and live far away).</p>
<p>Sympathy Jym- Sorry for your loss, but sounds like your father died peacefully. This thread has touched many.</p>
<p>Man this is a lot of work. I remember it with my moms funeral, but now we have all the estate stuff too. Sympathies to those of you who have had recent losses as well. </p>
<p>Anyone know anything about art appraisal? There is one signed lithograph that was my moms favorite that I love and will take home with me. It is by a french artist (Marie Laurencian) who did sketches of wistful women. I am taking it because it means a lot to me, but I wonder if I need to get it appraised. Thoughts? Anyone know?</p>
<p>Wow, Jym, even I can’t believe that they are asking you for rides. So sorry for your loss. Don’t let your H be the chauffeur, he should be there to support you (not them). Let their sons or daughters drive them (or let them get a car service.) </p>
<p>Also if you have to be the one to provide food after the funeral, just order a platter of something. It sounded like your Dad lived in NYC, so there is Zabars for one place, but there is no shortage of catering on the east or west sides (even the supermarkets will make up platters of whatever.)</p>
<p>When my mom died, I was quite a bit more religious than I am now (long story not for here), and one blessing was that people from our house of worship came to help set up, clean up etc. which really was appreciated. I had a friend who is a caterer so I just ordered what I wanted from him. Another group of friends provided some meals for us as well, which was really helpful and kind.</p>
<p>I think you are not at your own home, so take advantage of all the takeout in NY if that is where you are.</p>
<p>Do you need an appraisal for insurance purposes or for figuring out a value for the estate? if it is “just” for the estate, you might be able to google galleries carrying the artist or auction houses and get an idea of asking price or recent sales and come up with a value that is agreeable. For insurance, you would need an art appraiser.</p>
<p>Is this the artist <a href=“http://www.artnet.com/artists/marie-laurencin/[/url]”>http://www.artnet.com/artists/marie-laurencin/</a></p>
<p>they have some things for sale too.</p>
<p>I think JYM’s dad lived in the suburbs, but it doesn’t matter. There are Jewish delis galore. Don’t sweat it, JYM, just order a giant platter or two and everyone will come with cake. Just make sure there’s coffee, milk and sugar. Agree with Amandakayac–the most generous gift one can give is to do all of the food ordering, etc. for the grieving family. As for the demanding relatives, there’s no shortage of morons in the world. It’s just so obvious at times like these.</p>
<p>Perfectly stated, Vitrac! Amen! :rolleyes:</p>
<p>jym, keep it simple, dear. You’re not hosting a party, you’re planning a funeral. Can the rabbi be of some help with logistical recommendations (or does his shul have a bereavement committee)?</p>
<p>People dont get it. Very frustrating. BIL just showed up and thinks he can spend the night schmoozing with his bro (who he sees a lot b/c my DH is consulting on a project in his area and is there every week). I am trying to give them (he and my sons) tasks to do to keep them busy. They are making messes and I am cleaning up. Ugh. I did order platters and the synagogue that my dad belonged to (for 52 years) had their caring committee send dinner and also will also pick up and set up the food I ordered for tomorrow.</p>
<p>One relative who was coming down from Boston (one was one who wanted me to arrange transportation, but then said hed try to rent a car from Stamford train station) is now bailing, but wants me to send him stuff I’d found that he wants (including a framed pharmacy diploma of a great uncle from 1928). I have politely drawn a line in the sand. You want it- come get it. I dont have time to mail, wrap, ship anything. Sorry. He also wants back some Royal Copenhagen figurines he gave my parents. Fine. Come get them. There are 30 of them. I dont know which are his and I am not shipping them. Period. No can do. He can have more than the 2 he gave them. But come down and visit when I am up here and pick them up. I am not Fedex. I live 1000 mi away and when I am here I will be working to get the house cleaned and ready for sale. Not shipping crap to others. Sorry if I sound callous. My brother would expect the same and I am not doing it. He thinks his time and his practice is more valuable than mine. Um, NO.</p>
<p>^^ I am speechless. What some of your relatives are expecting is just jaw dropping.
Congratulations on drawing that line in the sand. I hope that the people who want this and that can see the line that you drew for them!</p>