I recently realized how many traits a number of people in my life currently or in the past
have had passive aggressive traits.
I have been researching in an attempt to understand this behavior and also how to deal with it.
I seem to be a magnet for them and so will address that in myself.
Recently I chose not to be friends with a woman on instinct and just now have understood why.
The “flavor” I attract is the person who keeps changing plans, or says they will do something nice for me
but then takes forever to do it and often does not follow through. A person who does not say what they mean and usually says nothing unless they are angry. A person who obstructs by asking questions such as “are you sure about that decision?” “Is that what you really want?” Enough to create self doubt. (especially this)
The best description I have found for a simple explanation is that this person who is FRUSTRATING…
There are conversations and agreements but nothing actually changes.
Anyone?
I hope others respond to this thread. I have a dear friend whose DS is an adult who is not yet successfully launched and totally passive aggressive in his response to attempts to help!
I am finding it interesting that so many are reading this post but so few responses.
I am a therapist of 40 plus years. Guess there are always new lessons to learn in life!
But besides the “why didn’t I see this!” comes a sense of well being and relief.
A new perspective is always welcome. (even at the age of 66)
My first thought was to wonder if you were the type of person who likes to help others, perhaps to a fault. You say you are a therapist, so that answers that question! The only advice I can think of is to step back, often, and try to evaluate if you’re letting yourself get sucked into a bad and repetitive pattern with a passive aggressive or manipulative person. Sometimes we subconsciously seek out the same situation over and over, trying to resolve it, but often we just repeat the frustrating parts without any improvement.
I am actually not asking for advice–though thanks! And you have good insight. And sometimes no matter how much we step back we cannot leave the situation
I was just looking for a discussion about this experience with this type of person whether a friend or spouse or boss or neighbor…
Maybe someone here has figured out some things and maybe some are looking for ways
to deal with such.
Yes, I have been accused of being too serious most of my life. But it is all a puzzle I want to
understand. :-<
I am of the “I hate chit chat” group.
I thought you were looking for advice, too, so @greenwitch isn’t the only one. I’ve never really thought too much about the negative aspects of those I’m attracted to as friends, but rather the things that they all have in common that I’m initially attracted to. That is what stands out to me, not the common negative characteristics. That’s harder because I think they all have different ones.
I know you aren’t asking for opinions, but you know you’re going to get them, right? LOL! Maybe the reason people aren’t direct with you is because you get annoyed and frustrated when they are…so they beat around the bush. I find it odd that they all have this one negative trait. People typically put their good faces forward when meeting someone, with the hopes of attracting someone. They don’t put their negative faces forward first so someone is attracted to them. I’m curious, what one common good trait do these people have That drew you to them.
You say you take life seriously. It seems to me people just might not want to disagree with you. I don’t know you obviously, this is just what comes across, to me, in your post.
I’m initially attracted to people who are talkers, smile, and laugh. Now, of course I have several friends who don’t fit this description as we’ve built relationships, but this is what pulls me to someone initially.
They all have different negative qualities.
As far as dealing with someone who is passive aggressive, you deal with them by calling them out. Those personalities are aggressive chickens. Sort of like a bully. When you call them out, then they typically don’t do it anymore because they don’t want the confrontation.
You might not be getting responses yet, as you posted so late.
Is passive aggressive always considered a negative trait? I admit I don’t fully understand the label. For example, this description:
“A person who obstructs by asking questions such as “are you sure about that decision?” “Is that what you really want?” Enough to create self doubt. (especially this)”
Can this approach be used with a child who is about to misbehave, in an attempt to manipulate him to make a better choice? Is this considered p/a behavior?
Oregon, I agree that I back off from people who change plans, without a good reason. I’m also don’t like people who arrive late, or who are cheap. Needy people (I mean all the time) aren’t among my friends. However, we all have our crises, and are there for each other. Over the years, we’ve each dealt with ailing parents, death of a parent, our close friend, illnesses, children’s struggles.
If I ask someone about a choice I’m making, or how to handle a situation, I really am looking for honest feedback.
I too am too serious and analytical. I’m glad a few people put up with me. I only have one friend with a good sense of humor, and I appreciate that. She’s in my pilates and yoga classes, and can crack up the whole group. It’s a gift.
I may be missing something in what u r asking.
In my personal life, I don’t have passive aggressive friends, but at work I encounter a lot of them. The reason being at work I have no choice on the kind of people I work with, but in my personal life I do.
If someone cancels on me a few times then I no longer make plans with that person. I tend not to get angry at people if they just tell me what they want from me, but I wouldn’t try to tease an answer out of someone. I would walk away if people should get angry with me. I have been known to just ask, “Why are you so angry?”
Neither of my kids are passive aggressive because they knew growing up I just wouldn’t put up with it. They got better results if they were just upfront with me.
I think people surround themselves with the kind of people they like/want. As a therapist, I guess my question to you is why would you surround yourself with people you don’t like, at least on paper.
This may sound silly or new-agey but I honestly believe that the universe will keep throwing you the same pitch until you learn how to hit it.
If there is a common denominator to people in my circle, it’s probably a reflection of me and not them quite so much.
??
I’m very picky on who I let into my inner circle, so I don’t really deal with it much.
I don’t consider passive aggressive asking if you’re sure of something or a decision. It can be a power play to be a person who is always late, or that person is just a bit scattered. Cancelling plans is just mean and thoughtless, not passive aggressive either in my book. That’s just someone I can’t rely on.
I think I need a better definition of passive aggressive. I always thought it was someone who would tell you something to your face, but undermine your efforts through non compliance.
@eyemamom …that is what I think it means, too. True quiet aggression. Now, if the person asking “what do you think” can be passive aggressive. It’s the motive behind the question/statements. I think one can normally tell if it is or not.
I think of passive aggressive behavior as someone who avoids confrontation, but continues to do what they want. My friend’s son will have discussions about where life is moving and the next steps and appear to agree with the person advising him, but then he continues his routine actions and does not change anything.
I guess I could be considered passive aggressive by two of my closest friends. We have been friends since high school, and over the years they have become increasingly dependent on me for emotional, even financial support. One friend talks on the phone to me for hours about her personal problems, without even once asking how I’m doing. I just sit there saying “u-huh” for what seems like forever.
Both friends sort of invite themselves to come visit me (I live in a touristy area). I know I have made it a fun place for them to be, as I like to treat my guests well when they are here. Normally, I feel happy after guests leave, knowing I made their stay fun; with these two friends, I feel exhausted and a bit used.
I have gotten to the point where if I get a call from these friends, I will often not pick up the phone, as I find it too mentally exhausting. If they ask to come visit me, I will vaguely say that I’m not sure what plans I have coming up, and then “forget” to call them back.
Neither of these friendships started out with them being dependent and me being “passive aggressive.” it’s just kind of evolved into that. Both friends have gone through divorces and financial problems. I think I have some sort of guilt that I am happily married and financially secure. They both sort of see me as a “mom” figure now, and I don’t like it at all.
I know I need to take action and either end these friendships or have a very honest discussion with each of these friends. I just haven’t had the guts to do it.
Passive-aggressive to me:
Your sweet as pie (to your face) roommate leaves her clothes all over the floor not because she is just a slob but because she knows it drives you nuts.
^This is how I’ve always thought of it as well. Someone does or doesn’t do something which causes you a problem, but they have plausible deniability that they were intentionally TRYING to cause you a problem. “Yeah, sorry, I’m just a slob. Nothing personal.”
And if we could all eliminate the phrase “my bad” from our vocabulary it would be greatly appreciated. That is the equivalent of passive aggressive take no responsibility - sorry you’re offended by my actions type of thing.
Email greatly helped passive aggressors in the workplace. A person can always start an endless chain of emails to stall a project while creating an illusion that the person is working hard on moving things forward. No face to face meetings needed, which is another bonus.
khmama - I am not sure if your behavior is really passive aggressive. If your friend invites herself to your place and you do not come up with a firm date then to me that’s a no.
What I think is passive aggressive is when everyone agrees to meet at a certain time to do something (dinner, play a game), and someone shows up late knowing the event couldn’t start without him/her. I had few friends who would do that and pretty much held every hostage to her timeline.
Passive aggressive to me is someone who expresses doubts or negative opinions to make you feel bad while simultaneously denying it or saying it’s not an issue. Some examples:
“Oh your son is going to xyz university? Did you hear Joe’s son is going to abc but he studied and worked really hard to get into a good school.”
“You’re going to Cancun for vacation? I wish we had money for a vacation like that but we do cheap vacations so we can save for retirement.”
“You went out with xyz last night? I wish I had time for going out by I’m so involved with my kids after school I have no time to enjoy myself they way you do.”
“You want Chinese for dinner? Oh ok. No really, Chinese is fine if that’s what you really want.”
“That’s a beautiful outfit you got from Nordstrom! I buy my outfits from Target because they’re so much cheaper and look just as nice. But yours is really pretty too.”