There’s a gray area between being a good friend and listening well and being taken advantage of by others. The key here is that your friend never asks how YOU are doing, just keeps using your ears. If I were you, and the friend keeps on rehashing the same old stuff, I wouldn’t feel too bad not picking up the phone or not paying attention while saying uh-huh over and over. Your friends may just need someone to listen while they process their pain but they also may have gotten caught in this revolving door and find it hard to let go.
As for visiting, you have every right to keep your house to your self. If they are pushy or clueless, use some phrases that they can’t argue with -I need to leave that time open for family that might be visiting. We are not up to having any visitors this month, we need to relax and have some couple time, etc.
I have passive aggressive people in my life but I can’t get rid of them, they’re related to me! Thankfully not my husband or the kids.
“Oh I wish I could eat like you and stay thin”. Ummm no, it’s hard work and while I might be able to splurge now and then, it’s not how I eat everyday.
And the ever present person who is so much busier than you. So busy, busy, busy. It’s so hard for them to help because don’t you know how busy they are?
Here’s the dictionary definition of passive aggressive:
“of or denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.”
Although some of the quotes of comments above are funny because they are so spot on and irritating, I think these are examples more of obnoxious comments and backhanded compliments rather than truly passive aggressive behavior, although both can certainly be found in the same person. I think posts #12, 14, 15 hit on my personal definition of passive aggressive.
Deb922- I hear you. I frequently get the “Well, I wish I had the time to do all that running like YOU do! I just have too many more important things to do!”
Many good replies! And examples of passive aggressive behavior.
I was painting my experiences with a broad stroke. Currently, to my knowledge anyway, I only have one person in my life who I find to be passive aggressive. It is a relative so it is different than ending a friendship.
I was just doing some late night mulling and started connecting some dots and now am reading and processing.
I can also use the information in my practice.
I think it is hard to define and harder yet to pin point because often the person appears to be so nice.
When the recipient becomes frustrated with the PA’s lack of follow through, for example, and expresses their displeasure the PA continues to have no responsibility for the situation continuing to look like the nicer one.
“I forgot” over and over…
When what needs to be said is that he/she does not want to do it and so will not.
I grew up in and raised my kids in an environment that was “say what you mean and mean what you say”.
Very direct. With PA you never really know what they mean and if you ask you get an answer but not necessarily
action that matches the answer.
The obstructionist part is when there is never support or encouragement or compliments but
so many questions that it stops the decision making process.
Being passive aggressive is not alway a bad thing. Sometimes is deflects a problem or gives everyone time to
regroup. Humor can be used well this way. Making a joke can, at times, take the sting out of a situation.
If a situation is really important to go your way using PA can be a more sure result than assertion.
Telling a guest who is always walking in late to a dinner party that it begins an hour earlier or that you
need them to arrive early to help you cook is one example.
SFM9, I agree. I believe we run into the same situations over and over until we learn what we need to learn.
Then there’s this (I work with this one) :
“Oh come on, surely you knew I was just joking when I said that. I would never intentionally say something to hurt your feelings! My goodness, you are SO sensitive!” Grrrrr…
I think much of who we are and behave is based on how we were raised. I tend to be a direct straight shooter and I’ve found I prefer to deal with the same both in business and socially. I personally find it more productive and efficient. I don’t like trying to read between the lines of someone’s vagueness or read the tea leaves to figure out what they REALLY mean. I know I come across as blunt to some people I come in contact with. They tend to be the types who despise any form of conflict and take a more roundabout way of voicing their opinions or who avoid voicing them at all and then proceed to do just what they want anyway, which can come across as passive aggressive to me.
It’s interesting to see my own kids navigate the paths in their romantic relationships having grown up in a household with more direct lines of communication that can be very different from the communication styles their boyfriends or girlfriends grew up with. Most of their relationship issues in the past have stemmed from differing styles more than anything else.
“you are too sensitive”
“I was just joking”
“I forgot to do it”
“I realize I should have and will next time (but does not)”
Says nothing at all. Just has a blank look on their face.
“you get so upset about things”
“I did not think you really wanted it”
“Are you sure that is how you want it done? Is this what you really want?
Do you need look around some more? Is this affordable? …” No real discussion
just sabotaging.
“You take things too seriously”
Doing a job very poorly because really does not want to do it at all.
So the recipient is left feeling powerless and frustrated.
I have taken to leaving the room when the relative is around and starts in.
Did it for myself but have notice some small changes in her.
“I have taken to leaving the room when the relative is around and starts in.
Did it for myself but have notice some small changes in her.”
I find this a little ironic in a discussion of passive aggressive behavior. Have you tried just talking to the relative and expressing how the comments and behavior make you feel with specific examples? have you told him/her that you are leaving the room because they are exhibiting that behavior once again? Maybe you did and it hasn’t worked.
I don’t know if the person is passive aggressive, but sounds like a jerk. You’re being too kind. You know what, we’re too old to put up with unpleasant people, and trying to train them isn’t worth it. I would just avoid contact as much as possible, it ain’t worth it!
Here’s an example of what I consider to be passive-aggressive behavior: X complains that Y doesn’t help with chores, e.g., doing the dishes. Y says he would do the dishes but X is too picky. X says okay, do the dishes. Y spends twice as long doing the dishes and leaves crud on all of them. Here’s another example: X complains that Y doesn’t help with chores. X and Y agree to divvy up the chores. Y is assigned one chore, vacuuming once per week. X is assigned all other chores. Y vacuums once per month.
I really dislike passive aggressive behavior and try to be pretty candid about my thoughts and plans. I have a relative who always agrees and then changes the plan we have agreed to at the last minute (something better comes up in her mind or she never really liked the plan but wouldn’t say it until the last minute where it’s hard to get together at all with her changes). I minimize time we spend together–just find it very frustrating!
I find it hard to define passive aggression. I get the agree to one thing and then simply do another, or do a job poorly because you didn’t want it in the first place.
Is asking “are you sure about that decision?” - passive aggressive? What would you say if you want to elicit the other persons reasoning for their decision - without simply stating here’s what I would do - which seems over bearing.
If you are someone who avoids confrontation (raising my hand here) - how do you deal with overbearing, if well meaning, friends or relatives?
@somemom This is the best definition in the thread: Avoiding confrontation while continuing to do what he or she wants.
The worst trait in a coworker and difficult for a supervisor to address which then perpetuates the behavior. Addressing passive aggressive behavior requires wisdom, keen awareness of the signs, and determination to address the behavior.
In my personal life, I just won’t associate with passive aggressive people. I’m too busy and life is too short.
It is completely different working with a client who is there because they are trying to change
and having a relationship with relative or friend who is not interested in their own behavior.
Also, I am finding that what looks like passive behavior at first turns out to be passive-aggressive.
Agreeing to do something and then simply not doing it with no explanation is an example.
The questioning at first glance looks to be helpfulness or curiosity. But when there are no supportive or encouraging
words and the questions are creating confusion (called obstructing) thus not helping a decision to be made…
then it is not friendly involvement. The questions are challenging and they do feel good to the listener.
They feel like someone doubting them over and over.
I agree; however, my question was about whether passive-aggressive behavior was something that therapists were trained to recognize and treat. Your statement
led me to think that this is something new that you are talking about/thinking about.
I find it hard to understand how a therapist who has been working for 40 years is just now having the revelation that people can be passive-aggressive.
Is passive-aggressive behavior a new behavioral diagnosis? I’m not being snarky here, I’m really curious if this behavior is something new that therapists are now diagnosing as such.
Have you tried just talking to the relative and expressing how the comments and behavior make you feel with specific examples? have you told him/her that you are leaving the room because they are exhibiting that behavior once again? Maybe you did and it hasn’t worked.