Recovering passive aggressive person here. I have someone in my life who makes statements along the lines of post 19. They might want to go to restaurant X, ask where do you want to eat ( without saying I want to go to X) and I say oh how about Y. Then later they make a snarky remark like ‘you INSISTED we go to Y for dinner’ leaving me feeling defensive. To get along its easier to answer the question ‘wherever you want to go is fine’. My passive aggression occurs when my resentment leaks out later with my own snarky remarks.
So, now if in a position to say something I know might be taken as confrontational or disagreeable, I say to myself ’ own it ( my feelings)’ and then when the snarky comment comes later I have been saying ’ I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that’ or ’ I don’t deserve to be spoken to like that’ or ‘really, I INSISTED we eat there?’
In other words it isn’t fair for me to not speak up and then be resentful. I am learning that being confrontational,isn’t all bad.
After reading the original post, I decided that I was not sure about the definition of passive-aggressive. I looked it up on Wikipedia (the font of all knowledge) and found that Wikipedia considers it to be “the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.”
This is the sense in which I have normally seen it used.
If someone is asking, “Are you sure that is what you want to do?” then I would consider that to be a polite way of expressing disagreement with a friend . . . or as suggested above, a way of dealing with a child (not relevant here). If it raises doubts, then maybe there is a reason for the doubts. For example, “Are you sure you want to vacation in Wynwood right now?”
If people repeatedly don’t show up for things they have agreed to do with you, that is a problem. I would probably just stop inviting them. But I might also wonder whether they had freely agreed to do it, or had just been humoring me by agreeing. It is also possible that they are extremely busy and not well organized. To see whether that is the case, you might ask the person whether he/she had missed a scheduled dental or physician’s appointment. If your friends have a high-pressure job and children at home, they might be overwhelmed. Perhaps when you see them, an immediate invitation to go for coffee or tea would work better. Or an arrangement to do something that takes care of the children or a job responsibility at the same time?
Yes, to the definition of passive aggressive. Not all the behavior described here is passive aggressive although it might be irritating.
And a big yes to speaking up for yourself. If someone repeatedly made snarky remarks to me such as ‘you INSISTED we go to Y for dinner’ I’d respond by saying “You’re being a little unfair by categorizing it that way. In the future I’d appreciate it if you expressed your preferences beforehand rather than complaining later.” I think you just need to call them out on it in a matter-of-fact way. Repeat as needed preferably unemotionally like you would with a 2 year old throwing a temper tantrum and behaving unreasonably. They’ll know you’ve got their number and the bright ones will smarten up to the fact they can’t pull that crap with you.
I find this a really interesting thread. Like doschicos, I just call people on it, nicely, but still call them on it.
Part of the reason I find this interesting is that I used to work in a profession that had no shortage of really strong personalities. In that setting, I was a bit of a shrinking violet – though, truthfully at that place and in that time, most women really had to work to be heard so I was not alone. I quit that job almost 14 years ago.
What was so fascinating is that after leaving that job and being in the “real world” I was often characterized as so direct and plainspoken. So, for me, behaviors are relative. In my old office, I got walked on; at the PTA meeting, I was a bull in a china shop. I think it was eye-opening to people that if you said yes or no, then I expected you to mean it. I don’t have time for passive-aggressive behavior or to play games. I actually have had people thank me for helping THEM to be more direct and to see the value of just saying what they wanted to say, nicely, rather than saying what they thought others wanted to hear, which creates all kinds of issues.
When my kids were very little we put up a fence between our back yard and the lovely neighbor’s with a gate in between to make visiting and ball retrieval easier. Two years after strangely territorial new neighbors moved in they put up a compost enclosure using the gate as the fourth wall, leaving the rest of the long stretch of fence untouched. This despite the fact that the only two times we’d been in their back yard were at their invitation and their kids were close in age to ours.
Time to plan a huge garden, open that door and help yourself to free compost. Seriously though, that is rude and damaging to the integrity of the fence!
I had a new neighbor who did something similar … planting a bush right next to the exact place where my kids stood to pitch the ball, making it next to impossible to play baseball there. I was so pleased when that crazy guy and his gf-then-fiancee-then-wife moved. They were horrible.
What would you call this behavior. A person who likes to organize people getting together but when it is someone else who is doing the organizing she doesn’t participate. She also will tell you about a plan she has and lead you to believe that others are also going even when she hasn’t heard from them or already knows they have declined. Or when she sends my kid a card or gift she will text me to tell me she sent something. She also copies people on email even when it is personal to the main person. For example she will send her parents a personal email and copy siblings and other relatives. Will send you a text and you reply right away she doesn’t respond back. Or she will call and leave a voicemail and you call right back and she doesn’t pick up. Could go on and on.
Re #40 - I’m a recovering PA too. For me it was a childhood coping mechanism, a way to get a bit of my own back against a very controlling parent. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to figure out that it didn’t work in the adult world. I can honestly say that owning my feeling and actions, calling out bad behavior and not fearing conflict so much has changed my life and made me a much happier person.
I tend to avoid dealing with PA folks whom some in my social circle term “flakes”.
Unfortunately, it tends to be an occupational hazard in certain fields…such as some segments of the Art/Music world.
Out of curiosity, was it the son himself who asked for advice on his situation or was it given unsolicited by him either by advisees themselves or due to parents asking on his behalf.
If it’s the latter, it may be a natural response to what he may perceive as others giving unsolicited advice as that can feel like a serious imposition/intrusion from others.
One thing I’ve learned is it’s best to wait until the individual concerned asks for the advice directly for 2 reasons:
The individual directly affected who asks is much more likely to be ready to be receptive as he/she's taking the initiative to ask. IME, most people...especially young adults/teens hate getting unsolicited advice...especially if it feels "imposed" by the adviser or parent.
Responsibility for outcome for following the advice will fall overwhelmingly on the asker....not the adviser whereas the reverse tends to be the case if the adviser started out by giving unsolicited advice. .
This is one of my favorite examples of passive-aggressive behavior:
For our non-profit’s annual tag sale, someone donated a beautiful vintage croquet set in the original wooden box. It’s worth a good deal of money. One of our board members examined it closely and announced, “This is the perfect wedding gift for my niece! She’ll hate it and never use it, but all her friends will think it’s great so she’ll never be able to get rid of it.” I must have looked confused (if not appalled), because she explained, “She’s really passive-aggressive so I’d love to give her something she doesn’t want.” More confusion on my end - she’s the passive-aggressive one?
This woman is not conflict-avoidant but apparently that’s not always a pre-requisite for PA.
I keep blunt friends so this isn’t a problem for me. Family is a different matter. Would anyone else consider this passive aggressive?
“Oh, well you’re never here so that’s why you don’t know.”
“You’ve been working so much”
“I wanted to see if you’d like to watch this movie, which would be nice”
This young man (30 +/-) had lost his job in a another state and moved in with a family member (not parent) in a city that should be great for getting a new good job. Many months later, he has absolutely driven them crazy. Passive Agressive ignoring = please buy food for your cat, don’t use ours, does nothing; please buy groceries, does nothing; please wash up your dishes, doesn’t; please don’t come home late and make noise which wakens the little kids, still comes home late sometimes and is not quiet; please do even one thing to help out around the house like a grown up instead of acting 14, doesn’t; here is my car, now that you got a job, please go turn in the paperwork and go find an apartment, etc.
So, these family members do have a right to comment and want him to move out so they don’t need to comment
