PC, I see #1 and #3 as PA. But I do think how you felt when that was said will tell you something. Was it a zing or a
punch?
2 depends on the person saying it--if my good friend said that to me in a kind and supportive tone I would
feel good. If a relative said it to me as a put down…well that is PA.
So to update my current thing…
Last night the woman who would like to be my friend and who my H would like me to embrace as he really
gets along with her H (as do I) called. She was quite surprised that I have been happily solo for over a week
and have had many things to do. She wanted to get together which I agreed to later this week when H returns and
we can make plans. Then she insists she calls tomorrow afternoon to get together with me. I agreed to a call and
to see if this would work out for the two of us. Of course, I knew she would change on me and she delivered.
However, she did not call or even text (which we have done in the past). She sent me an email late in the day.
She had no idea if I would read it (which I did not) in a timely fashion.
I replied with a “happy you went to the beach as a surprise from your H” (and I am)
“Please text or call next time you need to change plans.”
Later I realized she is going to need to tell me that we did not, in fact, have plans. (which we did just to
touch base).
But I am happy and good as I really am not going to become close to this woman. Friendly but not friends is
how I have been putting it lately.
!!
So the asking questions such as :
“are you sure?”
“do you want to spend this much?”
“do you want to look around more?”
“is this really the color you want?”
“are you buying too much?”
“Is this really the best price?”
" Do you need this much?"
“Will you be happy with this?”
Over and over with nothing else offered.
it is all questions and no opinions of their own. And if asked you are told it is your decision. So they have no skin in the game–just you-- and so you begin to doubt yourself.
Ask the person what they want and they have zero answer–just questions for you.
My readings have named this as “obstructionist” behavior which is PA.
^ all at once. Not one or two but many many questions at one time.
No support. No opinion such as “I like this one better” or “good choice”.
Just all questions. No opinion of his/her own.
Most of us do not operate in a vacuum–which these types of questions when given in multiples offer. We want the other to offer suggestions or opinions or support or even to tell us they think we are wrong,.
Most people ask a few questions to be helpful. Offer an opinion if it is appropriate and step back.
The PA asks the questions as a challenge.
Being asked and asked questions while the other has
no opinion is simply the person not being willing to weigh in but being ok with challenging your ideas.
Certainly not assertive, not passive and not on the surface aggressive. But leaves the situation not being supportive but not actually being called as criticizing. PA to me.
I grew up with a passive-aggressive mother. She was afraid of direct confrontation (still is!) and claimed she didn’t ever experience anger, probably because she was afraid of it. But of course everyone gets angry, so in her case it just leaked out, the way all emotions do when they’re not dealt with properly.
I can’t believe that people can’t see how the questions Oregon101 lists could be passive aggressive. You must not spend very much time with passive aggressive people!
Here’s an example of a typical exchange with my mother, to me (at 50 years old).
Mom and I are going somewhere together, and she meets me at my house so I can drive. She arrives at time we are set to leave.
Mom: Is that what you are going to wear?
Me: Uh yeah I was planning on it. What’s wrong with it?
Mom: Nooothiiing’s wrong with it; it’s fiiiiiiiine, I guess …
Me: Should I change?
Mom: Well, if you want to … You are a grown woman and can decide what to wear on your own.
Me: I’m going to change.
Mom: It’s just that everyone is going to look so nice …
I include those kinds of exchanges in the passive aggressive bucket!!!
Once you are passive aggressive. it’s hard to change your ways. I used to be still is passive aggressive. I know I am so I consciously shut it out and start with a praise and being agreeable.
It sounds like there is something kind of wrong with the person who is doing this. I don’t recall if this was something new, or something that is going on for years. I wonder if they do this to everyone. Perhaps it is just habit, or insecurity. Perhaps they don’t care whatsoever and have no opinion about what they are asking, and are just saying things to create conversation.
For example, sometimes my H goes through these phases where he is constantly asking questions about trivial stuff. Like, “How did you know that? When did you think of that? Why did you think of that?” And there is no reason whatsoever for him to ask these questions, because the answers are meaningless, and how am I supposed to remember—Oh, I read it in a book 35 years ago, page 10, paragraph 2. I don’t know! Who cares? I quickly get irritated, and start making ridiculous responses, and he stops doing it. I think he’s just making mindless conversation, and gets into these question asking phases, that really mean nothing.
Have you tried asking this person, why do you ask all these questions, without giving an opinion? What is the purpose of this? If every time they did it, you said, “Why do you ask?” I wonder what the person would say.
What if you just said, “I like it,” and never offer to change. Would she stop making those comments.
My mother used to comment on how expensive a restaurant, dress, or trip is. My response to her was, “Are you paying for it?” She stopped after a while.
@Massmomm , my mother was the same way. She was afraid of confrontation but still wanted what she wanted, whether it be to communicate a point or stop a behavior. She could never be straight forward. I found it to be manipulative. My DD says I am the other extreme to compensate. She is probably right. I try very hard to let people know where I am coming from, hopefully while still being polite. From time to time I hear my mother coming out of my mouth and want to smack myself on the side of the head. 8-|
Some of that is the person you are talking to. Some people give you an impression they won’t take straightforward well. That brings out passive agressive in me.
@oregon101 I have a sil like your friend. It is so annoying I refuse to ever make plans with her. If she would call and say she is on my street, and ask if I would like to meet for lunch. I would make her pick me up because I do not want to wait at the restaurant for her. It amazes me that she has any friends.
Now my H likes his brother. We live 2 hours from them. We made plans to meet for dinner half way. My H and I arrived at the restaurant and waited 2 hours for them! This was before texting, we had a cell phone but they didn’t answer or call for an hour and a half. The excuse, she bought a new bike and wanted to ride it. Surely I could understand? Never, ever, again.
As I like to say. I have no expectations of her but somehow she still manages to disappoint me.
This is a serious question…as I think I might have some of these tendencies. If I was the mom in post #66 and wanted to communicate that I thought my D should choose a different outfit, how should the conversation play out to avoid coming across as passive aggressive?
66:
Mom and I are going somewhere together, and she meets me at my house so I can drive. She arrives at time we are set to leave.
Mom: Is that what you are going to wear?
Me: Uh yeah I was planning on it. What’s wrong with it?
Mom: Nooothiiing’s wrong with it; it’s fiiiiiiiine, I guess …
Me: Should I change?
Mom: Well, if you want to … You are a grown woman and can decide what to wear on your own.
Me: I’m going to change.
Mom: It’s just that everyone is going to look so nice …
^^^ I think the easiest and most common thing to say is something like, “You might feel a little underdressed at this particular restaurant, but that outfit’s fine if you’re comfortable in it.”
I have a vague recollection of a Woody Allen movie with a character that was specifically mentioned as being passive aggressive. I think maybe Hannah and her Sisters? At the end there’s a hilarious scene where the passive aggressive character (Mia Farrow?) is being stereotypically passive aggressive. Somebody jog my memory here!
I’m not saying they don’t have a right to make such comments.
It’s more an observation that giving unsolicited advice is much more likely to result in reactions like the son’s…rightly or wrongly because it was unsolicited and not prompted by his taking the initiative to ask himself.
Also, there’s a difference between family being involved in such a situation and a non-family member being asked to get involved. I’ve found from observation and from being dragged into a few such situations by parents/older relatives of the one they felt “needed advice” that very little good tends to result if the individual concerned who is perceived/actually needs the help isn’t the one taking the initiative to ask for the advice.
A lot of it boils down to how IME, few people…whether young or old tend to regard unsolicited advice as anything other than an unwarranted imposition/intrusion.
I knew a few folks in my extended family and life who ask such questions in that manner. While they may regard it as “making conversation”, others tend to perceive it as a sign the asker is at best being a socially oblivious jerky wiseass or worse, attempting to undercut the person to whom it was addressed.
Students/colleagues who did this at work tended when it wasn’t the time and place* to be sent to the dean/taken aside by their supervisor for “counseling.”
In most social gatherings I’ve been a part of, someone behaving this way more than a couple of times is likely to be pointedly not invited back…and sometimes bluntly told to his/her face why by the host and/or other participants.
In a middle of a presentation in which questions/comments were to wait until the Q & A session at the end.
@Kajon – You have a point there. In thinking more about it, it’s hard to tell whether it is the passive aggressive approach that is objectionable, or just the criticism.
I go with the direct approach in criticizing my own daughter’s clothing choices, and I can definitely say that she doesn’t like it any more than I like my own mother’s passive aggressive approach. So maybe it is just the criticism that rankles, not the style in which it is delivered.
(Then again, I think of myself as someone who would appreciate honest feedback on my clothing choices. Probably not true!)
Kajon, I’d say – if it’s true and not you just being controlling or hypercritical – “FYI, I think people are kind of dressing up for this dinner as the restaurant is kind of fancy. That’s why I’m wearing dress slacks (or whatever).”