Paying for Wedding after Paying for College

Parent Cafe
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<p>I must be hopelessly old-fashioned, because I can’t imagine asking the groom’s family to help pay for a wedding. I still think of the rehearsal dinner as their only responsibility. Of course, I have also noted that the rehearsal dinner now tends to be a bash that includes tons of people, including all of the out of town guests, and can easily be quite a huge event.</p>

<p>Our wedding had a guest list of about 50, almost all our friends, the rest immediate family. My parents paid for the invitations, the tent on the lawn and the rentals. They paid for the flowers. (3 bouquets, a few boutonnieres, and my sister and I bought loose flowers and arranged them for the tables.) We paid for my dress–I went to the bridal building in NYC and got it wholesale–the band and the organist. I made the (rather elegant if I do say so myself) food, and it was served as a buffet. We bought the cake. There was no photographer. The total cost was about $3,000.</p>

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<p>mathmom, we definitely did have our share of moments where we had to blink innocently at wedding vendors who were surprised that we didn’t want the super-special sparkle mountain pony package for our unique butterfly day. Mostly if you just keep blinking innocently, they’ll realize that you can’t be hustled into some giant circus wedding production. ;)</p>

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<p>cathymee- We’ll know more tomorrow. They meet with Obispo (The Bishop). Hopefully, he gives her the go-ahead for Vanderbilt, which is what it looks like the “match” is for both of them! Bishops can be unpredictable, but we are hoping he sees that this is the best thing for all concerned. If he doesn’t, that Diocese might lose a priest and she would still go to Vanderbilt and start over with the Diocese of TN. Match Day for the young docs is March 20.</p>

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<p>This is a topic I have never really thought about, at least with regards to my own life/family.</p>

<p>My brother was married in a small ceremony in Poland because his wife, who’s Polish, was not allowed into the US until after they had been married for a certain amount of time. (He had been living in Poland for several years at that point.) None of our family attended, so we had a small reception for them at our home once they returned to live in the United States. My parents obviously paid for that, and I’m assuming her family paid for their small ceremony in Poland. A bit of an odd situation, I guess. </p>

<p>We’ve had several weddings at our home over the years, and they’ve all been very nice. I’m assuming it really helped with costs for the couple getting married. I think the idea is certainly worth consideration. Maybe take a peak at the backyard of some of your local friends’ or family members’ houses. :)</p>

<p>I’ve played music at wedding ceremonies since I was a little kid, so I’ve seen a fair number of them. One wedding I remember well was this tiny wedding at this tiny chapel in the middle of the woods. There were maybe twenty guests. People were dressed pretty casually, ranging from simple suits to khakis to jeans. The service was casual, too; you could tell that these people all spent a lot of time together and knew each other well. They felt very comfortable the whole time (and made me feel comfortable; I think I was about 12 at the time). The bride wore a simple dress, and the groom had on a suit. No professional photographer, and I don’t remember any particularly special decorations in the chapel. They arrived and left by a horse-drawn carriage. It was a wonderful wedding, despite the fact that they didn’t invite everybody they knew and didn’t stress out about inconsequential details. There are some great inexpensive weddings, and some great elaborate weddings. I remember a large ceremony that took place on the front lawn of a yacht club overlooking the water, surrounded by gardens, in the peak of the summer season. That was a great wedding, too. The two felt a little different from one another, but they really weren’t as different as you probably imagine. I look back at both weddings as very nice ones.</p>

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<p>Our wedding was about $4K (in 1983), 55 people, buffet, DJ not a band. We paid about 2/3 of it. Made my dress and the bridesmaids’, made silk flower lanterns for the bridesmaids to carry. Bridesmaids were my two sisters and college roommate (soon thereafter to be SIL). </p>

<p>If I had to do it over…would have gotten married in the spring or fall (NOT four days before my late December birthday!) and had the reception outdoors or at a synagogue (we had a Jewish wedding, but at a reception hall, not a shul). I would have carried live flowers. Different dress. I think DH would have cooked or we would have done a appetizer/dessert buffet – as much as we cared about food, we weren’t focused enough on it then. I was glad we spent $$ on good photography. </p>

<p>We had people stay at our apartment – we were all just out of school and noone had money for hotels. We cooked, provided floor space, and had a blast.</p>

<p>As for my kids? We’ll see. Can’t imagine either of them being interested in someone who would want a fantasy wedding with all the bells and whistles. I pity the poor bride’s parents who try hitting my DH up for half a wedding extravaganza. It would not be pretty.</p>

<p>I could see each of my sons having something smallish and meaningful, followed by DH and DS2 cooking a large quantity of food. (MollieB: Both my guys think the paper airplanes ROCKED.) I want to make the chuppah. I suppose my expectation is that my sons and future DILs will assume responsibility for planning a budget they can afford, learn to negotiate the politics and priorities of the various families, accept any financial assistance they get gratefully and not as an entitlement, and know when to stand up for what is important to the two of them. Good practice for marriage!</p>

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<p>Northeastmom, I don’t think you really disagree w/ me. I only mean that it’s so common for the groom’s family to contribute to the cost of a wedding these days, that I really don’t think someone should be stunned when the bride’s family asks the groom’s to contribute. I didn’t understand from your earlier post (#10) that the groom’s family had been kept out of the planning loop, if that’s the case. It sounded as if they had expected to pay for SOMETHING; they just were asked to pay more than they expected and were surprised when the bride’s family suggested it.</p>

<p>I do agree that, ESPECIALLY if the groom’s family will be asked to contribute, that both sets of parents should be involved from the outset. But lets be realistic; if the groom’s family IS willing to contribute, it’s good to know that going in. If you might end up like MOWC, paying for the rehearsal dinner even though that’s “traditionally” the responsibility of the groom’s family, you need to know that too.</p>

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<p>jonri, the situation was that the bride and her parents were in charge of the wedding plans. The groom had little interest and was told bits and pieces from his fiancee. The bride’s family decided and chose everything and then told the groom’s parents that the event would be held at a particular catering hall. The bride’s parents asked the groom’s parents about how many guests were on their side once the catering hall was chosen. They have a very small family, so I am sure the numbers of guests were within a normal range. Nothing about money was discussed before signing the contracts for any of the wedding plans. It was just a short time before the wedding that the bride’s father approached the groom’s father for money, and that was the first discussion about money. I am surprised that the groom’s family did not offer to pay for something from the beginning, and I think that was rude if one can afford to contribute. I also think that planning a wedding with your D and to some extent including the groom, and then hitting up the parents of the groom for half the bill in the end was wrong and rude as well. That was a big gamble on the part of the bride’s family too. They did not know if the groom’s parents would, or could pay for half of a fancy wedding.</p>

<p>I do think that it is common for the groom’s family to contribute towards something when making a wedding. I don’t think that it is EXPECTED and assumed that the bill split down the middle, even today. I still think that some people speak about weddings as being the “bride’s day”… For those that feel that way and go ahead and make plans as though it is the bride’s day rather than couple’s day, they definitely should not expect the groom and his parents to pay half the bill. JMO.</p>

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<p>We don’t have a lot of catering halls in VT that I’m aware of. Some of the most beautiful wedding celebrations I’ve been part of have taken place in old barns. I think that less can definitely be more when it comes to weddings. The most lavish one I’ve ever attended was fun, but the marriage was over practically before the flowers faded.</p>

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<p>I have very strong feelings on this topic. My H and I paid for 7/8 of our wedding (mostly my money as my parents allowed me to live at home for 3 years and save like crazy). Consequently it was OUR wedding, what we wanted and not what our parents wanted. The one thing I would have changed is my H’s family is very large plus they invited many friends. In retrospect I would have said we can afford x number of guests for each family and if you would like more you need to pay for them. We ended up with 285 guests.
My family still had 4 kids at home, putting them through Catholic High School and my mom was a stay at home mom. No way was I going to have them incur debt to pay for my wedding.
Now with four sons, as I think about eventual weddings, I strongly feel we will contribute a very small amount of money depending upon our financial situation at the time. I have seen way too many weddings where the bride and family plan everything and the groom and family then just pony up money.
If my sons and their brides don’t have money then they will have to have a very modest wedding.
On the other hand if I had financial means I would be very willing to contribute. My niece just got married at a five star resort. It was very understated elegance. There was no fretting about unnecessary details. It was just a classy joyous affair. The best thing about the wedding was the ceremony which you could tell they spent the most time on. Glorious touching music. A priest who gave the most marriage inspiring homily I have ever heard. It was definitely the focus of the day. My sister and her husband could easily pay for this and that is fine.<br>
Bottom line it depends on financial circumstances and the couple should never EXPECT or DEMAND money from the parentals IMHO</p>

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<p>Keymom, I am in 100% agreement. I do want to stress that in the story I described it was the bride’s parents, not the couple, that were looking for the groom’s parents to pony up the half funds for an event that they did not plan. For all I know, the bride had no idea that her father was going to confront her future father in law for half of the tab (I did not ask, so I cannot be certain that she was unaware, but I do know that the groom had no idea).</p>

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<p>What happened to simple weddings? I remember years ago going to wedding receptions in church basements. The cooking and serving were often done by church volunteers. Costs were minimal and there was a great community feeling. It seems a very expensive wedding industry has taken over with everything done on a grand and expensive scale.</p>

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<p>Joining the party late, and I have not read all of the pages, but here is my take.
Bullet and I paid for the majority of out wedding. We were very young 23 & 24, so our money was tight. I found unusual ways to get quality with lower budgets. Here are some of my suggestions that we did:</p>

<p>Went to our local university (Rutgers) and contacted their music dept. I was able to hire them for the church to sing and play for $200, compared to paying professionals 500. They also played during the cocktail hour (quartet)</p>

<p>Went to the local vo-tech school for my flowers, the whole cost was $600 including the reception tables (@20 tables, my bouquet, 5 bridesmaids,ushers, etc)</p>

<p>Wedding cake was done the same way from a culinary school. $250</p>

<p>Went to local nightclub and had them recommend a band. This was the most expensive, but as I was referred they cut me a deal</p>

<p>Got married on a Friday Night, which gave me a lower price for food,since they typically don’t do weddings on a Friday.</p>

<p>My Mom paid for the gown and invites, and my in-laws paid for the photog. We paid for everything else. Our big splurge was to keep the limos all night and bring us back home…actually it wasn’t that much more @500.</p>

<p>I also spent months learning to do calligraphy for the invites. We bought the invites directly from the company…if you go and look at invites, they tell the companies name and then we contacted them…saved a lot, and got very unique invites that nobody had ever seen before</p>

<p>My sister go married many yrs. later and she had a beautiful wedding totally opposite of mine (I had 200 people, sit down night time affair… she had 75 people daytime) hers was just as lovely, probably nicer, she decided to have it in a quaint restaurant on a Sat, with open bar and high end never ending hors deuvres) after it was over, the majority of the reception stayed and partied in town for the rest of the night…it was a hoot to see 50 people walking in the bars together, scared the bartenders silly!</p>

<p>My cousins daughter got married a couple of years ago and the wedding was at a very reknown hotel in DC…the cost for 115 people was over $100K for the recpetion alone. It was beautiful, and I think people will always remember it as the WOW wedding</p>

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<p>^^^You have some great tips for those who will be planning a wedding in the near future! The cost for the flowers were a really a steal!! I understand that you did not get married yesterday, but still…</p>

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<p>That is right, but I when did get married, it was running about $5K for the same. Vo-tech schools (at least the one I used) only charges the cost of flowers, they also only allow the seniors to work on the pieces. Each of my centerpieces were a dozen white roses, with chrysthaneums and ivy. I also hade a rose floral swag around my cake. </p>

<p>Bullet’s aunt loved the idea and when her daughter got married 5 years later she did the same thing. Her cost was 2k, but she had 2 dozen roses for each table and 350 people, so the cost was still comparable. (figure 2x the amount of flowers x 2 x the amt of tables = same cost)</p>

<p>If you are military, or live by a base, many times they will allow the Officer’s Club to be rented out to civilians, which is a huge cost cutter also.</p>

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<p>I wholeheartedly agree, bethievt! I can only hope that my Ds will see it that way when the time comes…</p>

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<p>People have such different expectations around weddings. I remember seeing The Godfather in high school and being completely mystified about the money envelope thing. No idea at all what they were doing. I had never heard of the custom of giving cash as a wedding present. It would have been considered extremely tacky, except in the case of an elderly relative or someone like that, who might possibly send a check with a “get yourself something you would like, dear” note. Wedding presents were things like china, silver, or linens, or other nice household items. </p>

<p>When I was working in New Jersey, I encountered a completely different set of expectations. The things I would have considered a wedding present were shower presents, and the guests were expected to fork over $150 or so at the wedding itself. The secretaries at the software company I worked for spent two years planning their weddings. (And, dare I say it, extracting the maximum amount of loot! :slight_smile: ) Their wedding showers were larger and more elaborate than most of the weddings I’d attended.</p>

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<p>I agree with Consolation that different areas have different customs. My husband’s southern AZ experiences had been receptions in church basements, I had never heard of such a thing in greater Boston. We were married at 24/26 only a couple years out of school, but still with good jobs in software we paid for everything we wanted ourselves. We worked second jobs at Domino’s pizza also to help with the costs and not go into debt. My parents wanted open bar which we didn’t want to pay for, so they paid for that to keep up with the Joneses. We did have most other things- flowers, meal, band, typical of my relative weddings in my area, but we didn’t go overboard and made the decisions ourselves. Husband had very small family and mine was huge so no problem in that area. His mom paid for rehearsal dinner. But the best part was…</p>

<p>… I survived “the running of the brides” and got my dress at Filene’s basement for $175!</p>

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<p>I am originally from NJ…so the Godfather was/is like our weddings. Brides actually carry around a satin bag to put checks in. I think I had 5 gifts, the rest were all checks, in 1988, the average check I received was @150. We now give between 250-300 per couple. Add on top of that we send engagement presents and shower presents, you are in teh whole for about 500.</p>

<p>Bullet and I took the kids to Italy 2 yrs ago and while we were there our DD and I walked by many bridal stores (not intentionally…she is too young), anyway, as I was looking at the gowns in the window, I realized it would be cheaper to take my daughter to Italy, get a gown, spend a week there and come back, than buy one from here. Gowns were @500 compared to 3K here. I have already promised DD that is what we will do…why not have a vacation and get a dress that nobody will have a copy of.</p>

<p>Side note, we live in rural NC now, and I laugh at the engagement announcements because they announce whether or not invitations will be mailed</p>

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<p>My D is in her mid-20s. Most of her friends are attending or just got out of law, med, Ph.D. programs, etc. and thus have little money themselves. She tells me that the “new rule” is one-third bride’s family, one-third groom’s family and one-third couple. If the bride’s and groom’s family are from very different income groups or one family is local and the other has major travel expenses, then they divide items. Even this can be tricky. </p>

<p>I envy you who only have to fight this out with the other side. When the time comes, I expect the in-laws-to-be will be a LOT more reasonable than my X. I was smart enough to have the details of college and graduate school costs in the divorce agreement; I knew I would never be in as good a bargaining position again. I never THOUGHT of an agreement regarding wedding costs!</p>

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<p>My sister in law, actually did think of it…which helped her out. She had X amount of funds placed into an account for the wedding </p>

<p>My parents were divorced and so when we got married Bullet and I made the decision to pay for the wedding…otherwise I am sure it would have been world war III. This would explain why I found unique ways to get important items.</p>

<p>I forgot to say, I actually planned the wedding for December so the church was decorated and I didn’t spend a dime on flowers at the church.</p>