<p>This is really a decision that has to be made by the family. If a child wants a big expensive wedding, and it is not financially safe for a family to pay for it, what is anyone to do? </p>
<p>My close friend wants large weddings for her kids. Her D has said, “forget it, you are out of the picture except as the invited mother of the bride.” Her S has said, “anything you want, mom.” She is not forcing a wedding ceremoney on her D, but is actively planning her son’s upcoming wedding. Her budget will be a big issue on what she does for the wedding. </p>
<p>Most kids have a good idea of what’s affordable and is not affordable. The ones I know have been reasonable about their weddings.</p>
<p>northeastmom – that story doesn’t bother me. It could be that since the groom’s family was wealthy they considered it the right thing to pay for their son’s wedding. Once they are paying for it they get to plan the event. The bride’s family sounds a little ungrateful. I knew of a similar situation, the groom’s family was wealthy and the bride’s family was not and the groom’s family paid for the whole thing.</p>
<p>pea, the bride’s family was happy to pay for the wedding that they could afford. It was not “good enough” for the groom’s family. It was good enough for the bride. The G’s family stepped in and told the bride’s family what they would like the affair to be like. It was unaffordable for the bride’s family to provide what they groom’s family wanted. I don’t think that the bride’s family was ungrateful. I think that they were a bit embarrassed, and they felt badly that the nicest wedding that they could provide was not satisfactory. This created very hurt feelings that effected the dynamics of the family. I think it is sad.</p>
<p>northeastmom – yes, that is sad. A wedding doesn’t have to be expensive to be nice. If the bride’s family wanted to pay for an event they could afford then the groom’s family was very ungracious. From my perspective I am not looking forward to planning a wedding for my daughter. I’m terrible at that type of thing and I suspect the event will reflect that. If the groom’s family wants to take over, including the financing, then more power to them.</p>
<p>Pea, the strange thing is that the wedding that the bride’s family planned was not even a “budget wedding”. The bride’s family included the B and G in the decision and they found a room in a lovely hotel for a large reception. The hotel (think major chain like a Marriott, or Double Tree) in a suburban location. This was really quite an undertaking for that family because the B is one of several children. The groom’s family had a problem with that. Frankly, I think that there was a control issue on the part of the G’s family and they wanted the affair in their hometown to make it easier on their guests.</p>
<p>I think with people getting married at an older age than they used to, the practice of having the bride’s family pay for the wedding will eventually drop off. At some weddings in my family, the brides’ families (mostly the mothers-of-the-brides) pushed decisions the bride didn’t want. I would certainly not put up with that at my wedding, and the easiest way to avoid “But I am PAYING for your wedding so I get a say on the flowers/dress/guests/colors/location” type arguments and feelings of entitlement would be for bride and groom to simply pay for it themselves. Perhaps this isn’t an issue in most families, though.</p>
<p>northeastmom, I agree . . . That is sad. That was a hurtful and insensitive move on the groom’s family’s part.</p>
<p>Caveat: I skipped from page 1 to here, so forgive me if this has been addressed.</p>
<p>The wedding is just a day. I really hope both B & G see it as possibly the first difficult negotiation of many that will come blending two families who both have their traditions, holidays, and values which will certainly not be in sync. </p>
<p>That being said, I also hope they see any parental contribution as a generous gift. If they want more, pay for it themselves. If they want less, be appreciative of the offer and explain the situation. If the families are in conflict, B & G need to decide what’s best for them and explain that to both families (who hopefully won’t be financially vested).</p>
<p>Naturally, I agree that the couple will probably pitch in more than in the past also, but because of our current economy. I also think that weddings will tend to be less extravagant in the near future. There will always be those that will pull out all stops, and couples who will marry on the courthouse steps. On the whole I just see simpler, less expensive weddings.</p>
<p>Here’s the rub (well, one of them). Planning the wedding has traditionally been accomplished by the bride and her mother (in much of this country). Many day dreams have been filled with wedding images, ideas, etc. Not true for all brides of M’sOB, I know, but enough that I think it’s worth mentioning.</p>
<p>Then, even if the groom’s parents volunteer or are expected to share equally in the expenses, there is often the lingering desire/need/expectation of the MOB and, perhaps, the bride to plan the wedding. This can result in some surprises, at the least.</p>
<p>kayf, MOfWC had a thread about her D’s wedding which included the groom’s feuding parents. MOfWC deserves a floor to ceiling high trophy for keeping her cool and making this day a beautiful occasion for the newlyweds!</p>
<p>The part of the story that bothers me is that G’s family moved the whole thing to another state. I think it would have been more gracious to participate in the wedding the B’s family planned, then have as lavish a reception (a bit later) in their home state as they wanted.</p>
<p>Our wedding is one in which the groom’s family (mine) wanted a more traditional (i.e., lavish) wedding than the bride’s family. In our case, I think, it was handled tactfully, and I don’t think there was any resentment. It involved some careful negotiation about money, as well as a lot of other things, but everybody was happy.
One thing that caused some heartburn was that my mother insisted on inviting a large number of people from our hometown who (she believed) would be offended if they weren’t invited, but who were unlikely to attend the wedding (which was in January in Manhattan). We were really afraid a bunch of them would show up. Only a couple of them did, and we got a slew of gifts from those who didn’t come. This is simply how it was done in my hometown at the time.
We found lots of ways to economize, such as running outside and jumping into a taxi after the reception.</p>
<p>missypie, the G’s family wanted what they wanted. They made it very difficult. G’s family’s reasoning was that there was nothing for the guests to do near the suburban hotel, but that they could provide a location where guests could walk to xyz places in a major city (B’s family could not afford to hold a large and as nice of a reception in a major city even though they live near one). Frankly, the G’s family just reversed traditional roles, paid for the wedding and made all of the decisions. In the end, it was just a day, but the way B’s family (not so much the B) was treated was remembered for a lifetime. I don’t think that this is the way to start a happy life together.</p>
<p>I am against busting the bank account for a wedding, but I am strongly pro-marriage and certainly want to celebrate and support the start of both my daughter’s and my son’s marriages, if and when they marry. The celebration of a marriage – and marriage – is important for the couple, but also for the couple’s families, friends, older friends and relatives, and especially younger friends and relatives of the couple. Weddings help build social capital – that glue that connects people to each other and makes our lives richer in so many ways (and I am not talking monetarily). </p>
<p>I think the best way to handle the paying for the wedding issue is that parents of both the bride and groom, if able and willing, make a contribution to a wedding planning account, then the couple decides where and how the wedding will occur, what their priorities are (live music? video? food?), and what they themselves want to contribute financially. The couple pay the wedding expenses from the account themselves. The parents should state they will help with planning and making arrangements to whatever degree the couple requests.</p>
<p>Neither of our kids is at a marrying stage yet, but that is how we plan to handle this. And we plan to contribute the same amount for our son and for our daughter.</p>
<p>Many of these stories reflect the need to establish open communication, from the beginning, for everyone involved. I think the key is to make sure that both sets of parents feel that they are involved in the decision-making but to ensure that, in the end, the bride and groom get to make the final decisions on details. Am presently going through this wonderful process for the second time and it has proven to help things to run smoothly. The couple should talk to both sets of parents re: finances to start, but, ideally, details should be a discussion that the couple has with both sets of parents as the planning proceeds, regardless of who is paying for what. </p>
<p>With D1, we paid for, literally, everything but that didn’t stop us from including the groom’s parents and siblings in the joy of planning for that special day. For the wedding we’re planning at the moment, the groom’s family will pay for a few things, but the level of inclusion is, so far, at the same level. For most families, it is a special day when a child gets married, and the last thing anyone should want is for one family to feel excluded or inferior in any way. The families will be connected forever and to start off with bad feelings around such a special occasion is a mistake. I am of the opinion that it is a mistake for parents to categorically state that they will not contribute anything to a child’s wedding. Most families should be able to put aside an amount, even if small in the big scheme of things, to contribute in some way to the day.</p>
<p>whatever4, I do think that you have a nice idea, provided that both families are financially in a position, as well as willing to provide funding for such an account. I just would not assume that the your son or your daughter’s future spouse’s family would agree with the your idea of funding and planning. You have made those plans for your children prior to a discussion with with the other sets of parents, so it may or may not work out the way you’d like it. In fact “the other side”, realizing that many engaged couples never make it to the alter, may not even want to put money into such account. They don’t know whether that money will be spent as intended, or what will happen to it if the couple breaks up a few months into their engagement. I am sure that you have heard of disputes over engagement rings when couples break off their engagements.</p>
<p>alwaysamom, I agree with you about famillies being forever connnected, and I think that you were very smart and very sensitive to the issues. I think that your daughter and SIL are very lucky that you were so thoughtful and giving.</p>
<p>H and I paid for our wedding ourselves, but due to a number of factors, it was held in his hometown, in his church, with the reception in his parents’ back yard. Because of this, H’s family took a lot of ownership and made decisions that I thought should have been mine. Our 20th anniversary is next week, and believe me, I still remember a lot of the less than gracious things H’s family did and said that weekend.</p>
<p>* just saw this thread and almost had a heart attack! the OP will know why, thank goodness it was started in 2008,not presently…our respective children are, as they say, “involved”!!</p>
That was a hurtful and insensitive move on the groom’s family’s part.</p>