<p>missiepie, congratulations on your 20th! It is a shame that you still remember all of " that stuff", but that is what happens when one set of parents want to control things.</p>
<p>cathymee, what are you saying? I don’t get it. Are you saying that your child and the OP’s child are “involved”? If that is what you are saying, what are the odds of that?</p>
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<p>I guess what makes it all so memorable is that it was my *father in law *who had strong feelings about where things like flower arrangements should be placed at the reception (since it was in “his yard”). *I must be the only bride to have argued with her future father in law about flower placement. <a href=“Of%20course,%20he%20go%20this%20way%20because%20it%20was%20his%20house;%20before%20they%20all%20left%20the%20house%20for%20the%20wedding,%20he%20just%20moved%20everything%20around%20the%20way%20he%20wanted%20it.”>/I</a> It really is kind of funny that he cared so much about something most dads would not even notice.</p>
<p>My brother’s first wedding was one of the most elaborate I’ve seen. They were still paying it off when they split. Though his first wife came from a well to do family, they had college expenses, 5 kids, etc and put a limit on the what they would pay for the wedding which was fair. My family was not in the situation to be able to contribute much at all, and we were not asked. The couple took on the expenses beyond what her parents would pay. </p>
<p>My other brother also had an extravagant wedding or weddings as they celebrated the marriage on both sides of the Atlantic. Again, my mother was not in the situation to pay so the couple did, as did her parents. </p>
<p>I don’t expect to have a big part in the wedding plans, and if I am asked, things would be pretty simple as I am not one for big deals this way. We’ve had some wonderful celebrations without spending a fortune. Education and our house are our big outlays. We would have to deal with wedding expense as an item to pay as we go and our contribution would depend on what we have on hand.</p>
<p>I remember lots of angst 25 years ago in trying to make peace between my ethereal, create options, never make decisions MIL and my mother for whom “there is one way specified by religious tradition, cultural custom,” or her belief to do everything (and in particular to have a wedding) and only one way. Aargh. We did it largely my MIL’s way and it was magnificent – outdoors on their 125 acre “farm.” They landscaped and picked flowers every day so that on the wedding day, the flowers bloomed and spelled out our initials. My wife actually feinted at the wedding – but after she’d said “I do” and had the ring, etc. Then a beautiful meal under a tent with a great band. A terrific way of joining the families and communities together, which is my understanding about why you have a ceremony with folks rather than doing it on your own in Maui or Las Vegas. My mother actually said to me and to my MIL that she thought that there was only one way, but that she learned something – even though it was not done according to what she thought was the only way, it had turned out beautifully. No grudges or unhappiness at all.</p>
<p>My friend is the president of a university and one of his sons got married. They held the wedding in the garden of the President’s house and the reception inside. I don’t know which family paid for it, but many decisions were probably eliminated by the choice of location. Our friend and his wife are so gracious that I can’t imagine any unhappiness, but who knows. They invited those in-laws to the wedding of the next kid.</p>
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<p>And where was the groom in all of this? He should have told his parents, “Thank you, it is generous of you to offer, but X and I are happy with the wedding her parents suggest. I am not going to insult her parents by telling them that what they can afford isn’t good enough for me. I’m sure you understand. If you would like to hold a reception or an engagement party back home for all of our family friends, that would be great.”</p>
<p>This thread has made me wonder how I’ll be as the mom or MIL when planning my own kids’ weddings. Our family is wealthier than the family of Son’s current GF. Should they end up together and should her family plan an extremely modest wedding, I wouldn’t mind in the least.</p>
<p>Of course, I was raised a small town Southern Baptist where everyone (no matter what their income level) had cake and punch and nuts and mints in the church fellowship hall. About the only thing that varied was that sometimes there were finger sandwiches (always made by the family-never catered). Before I moved to Texas, I think the most bridesmaids I’d ever seen was three. </p>
<p>I’m no longer Baptist and now live in the Big City. I’ve attended many lavish weddings and I always think the same thing, “I hope the couple enjoyed all of this, because they certainly didn’t need to do it to entertain me.”</p>
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<p>Alright, Missypie!</p>
<p>I totally agree, missypie. My brother had an extremely lavish wedding. The most common reaction I heard was why would the bride’s parents spend so much on a wedding?</p>
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<p>Yes, there is nothing wrong with being wealthy, it’s just a question of do you wear your privilege well.</p>
<p>The big problem with the weddings in the church fellowship hall is that there is no alcohol, unless you are Episcopalian! As we say, “Whenever two or three are gathered…”</p>
<p>northeast mom
you hit the nailon the head…OPs child and mine attend the same U.He acted as her tourguide through a CCconnection,they became friends and the rest is,as they say,history…so far…</p>
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<p>Thank you! I married an Irish Catholic. If there’s not at least one monk doing shots of Jameson by the end of the reception, it’s not a wedding! ;)</p>
<p>Cathymee, that’s very cool.</p>
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<p>Lol, I said wealthier, not wealthy. It’s all relative.</p>
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<p>Isn’t that the truth. We’re Presbyterians…there is drinking at the Sunday School class Christmas party, but none “on campus.” They have done restoration/remodeling work on the fellowship hall so that it is lovelier than many places one would rent…we parents of yet to be married daughters all moan to each other “if only they’d allow alcohol…”</p>
<p>cathymee, that is just too funny! Well, if it works out and if there is a wedding down the road you must either create a new thread, or take this one in another direction. At least for the 2 families involved here (yours and OP’s), you have most definitely broken the ice!</p>
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<p>My sister married a man from a middle-class background. The wedding was held in his city, Chicago (which my sister had moved to) but was being paid for my parents who were in another city (where my sister had grown up). Many of the bride’s family / guests were consequently out of towners.</p>
<p>The groom’s family, despite living on the North Shore of Chicago, just wasn’t really up to speed on how things are done “nicely.” For the rehearsal dinner, for example, they only wanted to include the actual people in the wedding party instead of the out of towners, and they wanted to take them to a place that’s basically a greasy-burger-and-fries shack. It wasn’t necessarily inexpensive – you could have gotten a Maggiano’s type or local Italian restaurant for the same price, or even had fun at a pizza parlor or Chinese or Thai restaurant – but it was a blah, worn-down place with greasy food (IMO) that is some kind of local “institution.” </p>
<p>They worked it out so that on Thursday (as opposed to Friday), the rehearsal would be held and the groom’s parents could take the rehearsal-party people to the hamburger shack. Then on Friday night my parents hosted a reception at the hotel where the out of towners were staying, invited the groom’s family as well, and made it a “Welcome to Chicago” type of thing. Then they paid for the whole wedding and reception the next day, and then held a brunch for the out of towners on the day they left. </p>
<p>They didn’t really mind it, though. They weren’t about to let the out of town friends who were making a considerable journey to come to Chicago for the event not be entertained / fed just because the groom’s family couldn’t afford it, and why should they?</p>
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<p>Pizzagirl, as I started reading your post I was preparing to be angry…but as I read on, it sounds like your family handled the situation pretty well. I thought you were going to say that the groom’s fammily wasn’t allowed to host the dinner at the hamburger place, but it sounds like your parents found a good solution.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of families have a favorite place to eat, and over the years tell each other that they’ll have their kids’ rehearsal dinner there. It was nice that the groom’s parents could host the dinner where they wanted to host it. My own rehearsal dinner was extremely informal…since husband and I are of the opinion that the only place one can get *real *pizza is Chicago, the menu featured both deep dish and thin crust piza from his family’s two favorite pizza joints.</p>
<p>One thing that causes a lot of wedding “issues” is that wedding traditions vary not only by region, but by religion. While I was going to all of those cake and punch Baptist receptions, the German and Polish Catholic famlies in the same town were having huge wedding receptions that featured full meals, lots of alcohol and live bands. So when you mix familes of different regions, religions and financial situations and philosophies, disagreements *will *arise.</p>
<p>Is the day after the wedding brunch and/or golf outing something new, or just particular to certain regions? I hadn’t heard of it until fairly recently. It’s gracious to host something if there are a lot of out of town guests, but if most everyone is from the area, it seems a bit like overkill to me. When I’m the mother of the bride or groom, seems like I’ll just want to crash and sleep in the next day - not host another event.</p>
<p>And really, everyone…I don’t need to take home a little picture frame or pretty little package of stationary from every wedding, okay…can we all agree to just save that money?</p>
<p>Working it out is the big deal when it comes to wedding arrangements. That goes for the rehearsal dinner as well as splitting the costs of the wedding. I know one friend who was a bit upset when she realized that her son’s inlaws were assuming they would just split the cost with no input her part as to what the budget and the events were going to be. </p>
<p>Despite my brother’s very lavish wedding, the rehearsal dinner was a barbecue at the future in-laws. They firmly refused to let us pay for it, and really wanted to do things that way, so we did. They also had a Sunday brunch at their house for the many out of town as well as local guests, and we did provide the bagels for that. It was the way they wanted things done. Had they wanted us to split the costs, my family would not have been able to contribute much financially to the very expensive wedding and reception which everyone well knew.</p>
<p>Sometimes the little frame or stationary or inscribed match books are just the little something that someone wants to do. Not necessary, I agree, but not terrible either. I was getting concerned at the expensive goody bags at fund raisers and other events, something that has been escalating here in NY. Maybe the current economic situation will stem that tide.</p>
<p>I always say that if you’re engaged for two months, it takes two months to plan a wedding; if you’re engaged for two years, it takes two years to plan a wedding.</p>
<p>I think that a lot of the little extras could go un-done and no one would notice.</p>
<p>Missypie-I think your right on the time frame. H and I got engaged and wed in just under 5 months. Hardest was finding the place. H’s family was jewish so wanted a Sunday wedding. That helped.
Both H and I were born and raised in Ca. Catholic and Jewish. Different cultures and customs but we had few clashes when it came to the actual wedding. Most of our issues were between generations. Mom wanted the veil, I wanted the flower wreath in the hair. I wanted the sawdust/ bbq ranch with the nice outdoor area. Mom wanted sometime more wedding like. Compromise on an outdoor country club ceremony with the reception in a room that was all window versus a traditional hall.
Also regarding regions and religions. I have never been invited to a wedding that was cake and punch in the social hall. I don’t think I have even gone to a wedding that didn’t have alcohol. I have been to few weddings that had wedding favors.</p>
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<p>If you ever do, please please please don’t stand around at the reception complaining about the lack of alcohol. It will very likely be done for religious reasons.</p>
<p>I’ve attended a few big Baptist weddings down here…very expensive receptions at nice locations, with great food, only no booze…I think it’s very ungracious for guests to complain…yet they do…(It really just reinforces the impression of the Baptists in the room that “drinkers” are to be pitied because they can’t have fun without booze.)</p>