PDA

Parent Cafe
1

My college son has a girlfriend who at times is difficult to read. She seems respectful enough, but has a little edge to her once in a while and DS has told me he’s called her out on it at times. Example: glaring at people if they’re chewing annoys her, or something like that. She’s made little comments sometimes after things I say that seem harmless (which always startles me). But, she can be charming, but I don’t trust it completely. I normally keep calm, my mouth shut and try to make things nice for all. I think she lacks the “sweet” factor, and I know she’s only 20, so some immaturity is at play.

My pet peeve is kissing in front of me. She is the one that always initiates it with DS. She gets up to leave and goes over, sits on his lap and proceeds to kiss (not peck) him goodbye. The back of her head is to me, and I think it probably lasts 5 seconds. I sit there feeling quite uncomfortable and when she gets up, she’ll come around to hug me goodbye. DS’s face is bright red.

I think it is in poor taste. If she was truly a sweet gal all of the time, I 'd say it is just immaturity. But I know her well enough, that I’m not sure she isn’t trying to needle and annoy.

Later that night, I asked DS if I could ask him a question and don’t mean to embarrass him…but does she do that in front of her parents? Now, DS can stretch the truth to benefit himself…so not ALWAYS totally honest. He said yes, that’s just the way they are, but he would say something to her if I wanted.

I don’t want to “start something”, so I just said, no, no…that’s OK…I just wanted to know if she sits on you lap and starts to kiss you in front of her parents, because you know…we don’t do that. You don’t see Dad and I acting like that in front of you.

So…I don’t know what to do? I feel like an idiot just sitting there, but don’t want to say anything sarcastic. Do I say anything? Maybe I should be totally, calmly honest when that is happening again and just say, “you know you two…that makes me quite uncomfortable”. And then see what they say. Or maybe I should talk to son again and tell him that really does make me uncomfortable and I would appreciate it if they didn’t do it. What would you do?

2

Ugh. I really dislike PDA. I would tell them that it makes me uncomfortable. It is not unreasonable request.

3

I edited my original post a little. Would you tell DS privately, or comment to both of them if it happens again?

4

I would tell S privately at first. If it didn’t stop I would comment to both.

5

Can’t he walk her to the door and kiss her goodbye?

6

Thanks. I will tell him privately it does make me uncomfortable…let him handle it. I will then tell him that walking to the door to kiss her goodbye would be more appropriate. I guess this is a life lesson in manners. I think if she just leaned down and gave him a quick peck in front of me, I’d still want to gag, but I’d leave it alone.

I think the full sitting on his lap with the kiss at the kitchen table in front of me is rude. I guess if they take this relationship further into the future, she might as well know now what bugs me.

7

Why would a “quick peck” gag you? Is this a first GF for your son? Is the idea of him being “kissed” something to get used to ? If so, why is it offensive (the lap thing and extended kiss ok, I can understand that - but a peck?)

8

So many thing are based on the way we grew up. I wasn’t allowed to even hold hands with boyfriends in front of my Dad. As a result of my upbringing, PDA’s always shout “look at us, aren’t we in love?” when done in front of others. To me, they are showy and I want to roll my eyes (and at time gag). This extends to other’s also…not just the kids.

9

Ok, thanks for explaining Conmama - I can understand a bit more where you are coming from. :slight_smile:

By the way, I had to look “PDA” up - I was drawing a blank!!! PDA = public displays of affection.

What you describe would be a good story for your son to share with his GF. But maybe you too can “compromise” and accept something as simple as a peck.

10

I will accept a peck, as I understand the reason I feel this way is due to my extremely conservative father and the way I was raised. A peck is not big deal…yet I cringe. That is a good idea to share that story with DS, thanks for the tip.

11

Non-consensus opinion, please ignore if you disagree:
If your gut is telling you that she’s being passive aggressive, then she probably is.
Be careful - the last thing you want is to show that she is successfully bugging you or let this turn into a tug of war over your S.
For the PDA thing, although the “mention it to your son first” seems like the sensible approach, based on my personal experience with emotionally manipulative people, I think it could backfire if he brings it up with her and she uses it for manipulation (your mom doesn’t like me, it’s us against your family).
Maybe the next time it happens you could say, lightly, something like, oh goodness, do you kids need privacy, and then YOU leave the room to do something else.
That’s all just my opinion, of course, use your own judgement if it applies or would work.

12

I used to explain to my teenaged sons that when their father and I showed affection it made them uncomfortable and we felt the same when they did it. They certainly understood that.

In this case, I would explain it privately to my son and if it happened again, just leave the room. Don’t make it abigger issue than it has to be.

13

@conmama, were we raised by the same father?

I wonder what the GF’s family dynamic is like. For example, is her mother competitive with her? Does her mother make negative comments about her own mother-in-law, or the GF’s father being a mama’s boy? Is there some reason the GF thinks she is competing with you over your son? As a mother of boys, I would cringe (and more) over a “peck”, too, especially if it seemed more of an “I win!” peck than an “I adore this boy” peck.

14

I think you should talk to your son about his own behavior. Just tell him, “It is rude to make out with your girlfriend in front of me. Please stop.” It takes two to tango, so to speak, and I think you are letting your son off the hook too easily.

15

@scholarme and @barfly Hmmm, those thoughts did cross my mind. What if this would backfire, and it gives her a sinister glee to make me uncomfortable and I let her know she is doing just that. The first time I met her a few years back, one of the first things she told me (eek!) was that she got along better with guys than girls. I really love my women friends and find great happiness in my friendships new and old. So…my ears pricked up at that. I think she is very close to her mother, but they have a volatile relationship at times from what she’s told me. Her mother is quite young, I really don’t know their relationship. She is in a blended family.

You are right in that him saying something to her could cause issues and backfire. I’m not really that confrontational IRL (I know you are probably all shocked!), but I’m not. I will confront when I can’t stand it anymore, but I generally have a long fuse.

16

@nottelling…good point.

17

PDA doesn’t bother me. We are an affectionate family and daughter will kiss/snuggle with her bf in front of us. It’s initiated by both and I’m sure they do it in front of his family as well. No biggie to me. Glad they are caring and loving to each other. I guess it depends on how you are raised.

I get a little bothered when the expectation is on young women to be “sweet” all the time. We don’t seem to expect that of young men and seems to be a bit of a double standard?

18

^^^Agreed.

We ARE getting only one side of the story. And why are women expected to be “sweet” all the time, not assertive or sarcastic in a funny way (I have a female friend who has a sarcastic sense of humor, and she is a great person)?

I think it’s completely unfair to judge the girl for not having female friends. I know my mom told me the exact same thing - she didn’t really have female friends growing up, and my mom is a really sweet, empathetic person. Women CAN be difficult in certain ways - depending on where you grow up, girls can be a lot into things like fashion and make up, which don’t appeal to all women. Women can also be much more gossipy. Why judge a girl for not fitting in? I know my mom was a tomboy who was into math and science - unfortunately (and hopefully that will change) not a ton of women share those interests.

As for the PDA, personally, I don’t find it to be a big deal, if it’s just kissing/holding hands. Personally, I am very conservative in getting physical with someone (as in, I would not be sleep with a significant other), but if I am in a serious relationship, I do like to hold hands, be cuddly, etc., and it’s not to spite anyone. People are different in how they interact. If I ever were to have kids, I would want them to see me be affectionate with their father - again, nothing extreme, just kissing holding hands - I don’t think it’s a bad thing or should be seen as awkward, in a committed, serious relationship.

19

I didn’t interpret the OP as thinking this young woman or any young woman needs to be sweet all the time. I think it is more a sense the OP is getting that the GF’s behavior occasionally seems “off” from what would be appropriate at the time. Not a double standard - sweet, kind, thoughtful all are called for, from both men and women, in certain circumstances, just as aggression might be called for from either men or women in certain circumstances. It’s probably hard to describe in a written post, but I think as a parent, sometimes you “know it when you see it”.

20

Ok, so… if it’s something she does in front of her parents then it’s probably just the way she is and they are as a couple. They’re young and in love and the “PDA” is about them and has absolutely nothing to do with you.

If it bothers you, sure, say something. Personally, I think you’re taking this way more personally than you should. It could just be that that’s how she is. Weirdly enough, people are different and do things differently.