I don’t want to be harsh just honest with another perspective. If you were the mother of my daughter’s boyfriend, and it came up that you didn’t like them kissing in front of you, that it made you gag even for a peck, it probably would cause some issues. At the very least, my daughter and I would joke about how uptight you are. Thanks for explaining your own background with your father but is that the way you want your children to be raised - and your grandchildren? Don’t you want them to feel comfortable showing affection for each other without assuming ulterior motives? I would consider it a compliment that my children and their significant others felt comfortable being themselves in my home. It’s not like they are grinding on the coach after all.
I would suggest some compromise and change on your side. This girl could wind up being your daughter-in-law and the mother of your grandchildren.
Even when i was in college myself, i loathed seeing my roommates in long, passionate kisses in front of me…there were many opportunities to not be so public.
In this particular case, can’t the son just walk her to the front door and say goodbye there?
Romani brings up a good point. OP your history is that PDA is NOT what you do. Maybe her history is that her family falls in the PDA camp - so does that make either of your situations right/wrong? No, just different. And up to the couple to consider and decide what and where works for them and others around them.
If this were my D, I’d tell her in private to knock it off. The OPs son doesn’t need to throw Mom under the bus to handle this. He can just say it just seems a little weird to do that in front of his parents.
It’s not really “Public”, which I think of as at minimum in front of more than 1 person and possibly strangers. She is probably trying to annoy you as well as “mark her territory” , ie look, he’s mine, not yours. LOL! I bet she doesn’t really do it in front of her own mother, as there is no need.
I don’t think the OP is trying to establish a code on conduct that should apply to all people in all settings. She is talking about the standards of behavior that apply in her own home. Just as it is appropriate to say to your little kid, “in our family, we don’t play with Game Boys at the dinner table,” it is appropriate to say to a teenager, “in our family, we don’t snog our girlfriends at the dinner table.” Different families have different standards. Who cares? We are talking about the standards that apply in the OP’s household.
I think it’s sad that some people automatically try to look for negative intentions from people. I sincerely doubt she’s trying to “mark her territory” and more likely is just wrapped up in her own world and sees nothing wrong with this.
If it bothers you then say something. In my household, it’s fine to be on phones at dinner. I’ve been out with people where that’s not OK and I respect their wishes. No big deal. But really, I’m not bringing out my phone as a “screw you”- it’s just not something I think about.
But let’s not assume this woman is malicious or jamming her finger into momma’s eye.
Such interesting perspectives and comments, and I agree with many of them even if they are contradictory. This is why I haven’t done anything when they are smoothing, and are wanting everyone elses opinion. I do believe that she is “marking her territory”, as this is not the first time she’s done something that leads me to believe that. I also don’t want to be the uptight MIL that is laughed at behind her back…again that is why I just sit there and don’t say anything. I’m really not sure what to do or say…just that it makes me feel awkward, uncomfortable and i don’t think that’s necessary.
Personally, I don’t completely believe she does this at home. Also, there was one time I came in the house last summer (you can hear the garage door going up!), and I walked in, they were on the sofa and she was laying on top of him. They weren’t making out, but watching TV. She didn’t get off of him, until I walked into the kitchen! I emailed him the next day (something texts and emails are easier with these types of conversations) and told him that I didn’t think that was appropriate, made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want to walk into that again…and he needed to handle it. I told him that when he walked into our home, how would he feel if he saw his Dad and I in the same position? He apologized, said he didn’t hear the garage opened and it wouldn’t happen again.
I guess a peck I could live with, but the climbing into his lap and kissing him full on was more than just a kiss. You know…he’s a handful. I want to say to her, “honey…you can have him…good luck!” LOL!
Do keep in mind that if you make your home the no kissing, no affection zone, they may be less comfortable visiting you, especially if that’s just how they naturally are and have to watch themselves when they are around you.
5 seconds- apart from having a gun pointed at me, I can bear almost anything for 5 seconds. If you can’t stand it, leave gracefully.
I think it is important to pick spots when it comes to our adult children’s relationships. Keeping your eye on the big picture and lines of communication open with your son may yield the biggest pay off.
See conmama, in my household I wouldn’t move either if I heard you come in. And I’ve seen my parents in that position watching TV.
This just means that we (your son and I) were raised in different households. I agree that he should respect your wishes as it is your house. However, just because things are “different” doesn’t mean they’re inherently wrong.
Next time she’s at the house and we’re at dinner, maybe I’ll leave to go to the grocery store for a second. I’ll climb up on DH’s lap, pull my legs up and start kissing him. LOL!
I know you are kidding, but if I saw my boyfriend’s parents do that, it would make me happy - it would tell me that they are still in love, still very affectionate, and maybe boyfriend and I would be so lucky as to be as well when we are their age. I am not kidding - it makes me very happy to see older couples who are affectionate (more so than younger couples, because it’s a love that has lasted years and decades).
By the way, I was raised in a completely non-PDA household.
If you say something to your son (which I believe is the correct approach) and she insists upon continuing then your son has learned a valuable lesson about his gf.
Like romanigypseyes, I was raised in a household where affection was easily displayed. My mom and dad would kiss and dance around the kitchen. Full of hugs, kisses, and constant “I love yous”. I remember my college roommate commenting after I got off a phone conversation with my parents in my dorm room. I ended the conversation with “Love you”. She commented that she and her parents never say that to each other. I was shocked but it was a lesson in how differently people are raised.
My nephew’s wife is very sarcastic and blunt. It takes some members of my family by surprise some times - her comments. She’s a wonderful wife and mother and we’ve learned that its just the way she was raised. It’s not a reflection on us and the way she thinks of us. We’re just not a sarcastic family so it has taken some getting used to.
Different strokes for different folks. Try not to take it personally.
“Collegestudent…that sort of behavior is no indication of true love. It’s a show for your viewing pleasure.”
I think that’s very jaded. Why the assumption that it’s for show? I think doschicos’s description of her parents is what I mean - do you think they were showing off for their kids or something? Holding each other, holding hands, etc. IS an expression of love and affection. And it CAN be genuine. I think to say that it’s just a show is very jaded.
I am the perfect example. I come from a non-PDA family (so it’s not habit or something). I am not trying to show off to anyone. But I know when I am in a serious relationship, with a person I care about, I want to hold them when they are next to me. I want to kiss them before they leave. It’s not something to spite anyone.
OK, the topic is starting to veer off in a direction I don’t want to do down. I think I’ve gotten good feedback on how to handle the situation from my original post. Still not sure how I will handle it, I need to think about it for awhile. Since I did ask DS if this if what his gf does without being accusatory, at least he knows I wasn’t comfortable. It will be interesting if he does something with the knowledge going forward. I suppose these are the types of situations that needs to be thought out and handled with kid gloves, as not to create a bigger problem.
Well, there is a difference between dancing around the kitchen and making out on the couch. I think it’s a show with a purpose if it happens in front of an audience.
