There’s a very big difference between affectionate, loving behavior in front of others and erotic behavior. It is well-worth learning the difference between the two.
I grew up in a no-PDA house (and I include hugs of children and the words “I love you” in that) and still remember my shock the first time I saw my boyfriend’s parents kissing–and my desire to crawl under the couch when that boyfriend kissed me in front of his parents. It took me a conscious effort when my kids were little to show them affection and to hug my husband (and be hugged) in front of my children. But I decided it was important for physical and emotional health.
That said, lap-sitting to say goodbye seems to me to be a bit over the top. My response would be “oh excuse me, I’ll give you some privacy” and then I’d leave the room.
I think any intelligent adult can see love and affection between a couple with or without PDA. It’s in their eyes, their smiles, their tone of voice, their manner. I know a couple in love without them so much as laying a finger on each other. If a couple is going to boycott Mom and Dad’s home because they have to pull back on the making out in front of the folks, then there is more wrong here than just understanding differences in peoples’ comfort level of PDA.
I am agreeing with OP that she seems rude.
But I’m also wondering if she is on the spectrum. Some people are extremely annoyed by noise, including chewing gum, and they don’t realize, generally others just ignore it.
But they also don’t really like to be touched or stared at, so she could just be rude
dmd77…I think you are the 2nd or 3rd person to suggest that response. I had never really thought of doing that, but I might rethink. It would have to be said with no trace of sarcasm.
FWIW, within my family there were hugs, kisses and Love you’s quite a bit. I kissed both my parents, aunts and uncles, cousins hello and goodbye, and still do. My Dad is spanish, and there is alot of physical, unromantic display of affection in that culture. I did not come from a reserved family in that respect. However, my father did NOT approve one bit, of romantic PDA’s from us with gf/bf in front of him. My feelings about this are not reflective of being reserved in showing affection. There are plenty of hugs, kisses and love you’s in my nuclear family, also.
I come from a no-PDA family. So does my kid’s spouse. Spouse is one who told my kid to knock it off with the PDA when they were dating. I’ve never admitted to them that was a big plus. 
I note that the GF comes from a “blended” family. My ex remarried…long story which I won’t go into. However, I suspect that there was a lot more PDA between dad and step-mom than between dad and me, even before things went south. I’ve never taken a survey but I suspect that kids whose parents date, move in with someone, or remarry while the kids are growing up are exposed to more PDA than kids who grow up with the “originals.”
Same kid once complained about the behavior of her step-sibs’ dad. He came to his D’s dance recital with a date and they kissed many times–and not just “pecks”–during the recital! My kid was nauseated but younger step-sis, whose recital it was, didn’t seem to be. (This report is based entirely on what my kid said at the time.)
Younger step-sis is a terrific young woman, but she engages in more PDA with her boyfriend than I feel comfortable with. (They came to my kid’s wedding which involved several different events.) She certainly wasn’t trying to make a statement to me. I just think she witnessed one heck of a lot of PDA between both of her parents and other people growing up and so has different boundaries.
I guess that’s a long winded way of saying…don’t assume it’s all about you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell your S if you are uncomfortable. If you can, phrase it in terms of what you feel comfortable with him doing with any young woman in front of you and not about this particular GF.
^^^Ditto on the second paragraph above.
Thanks Jonri…very interesting story and I will take all you said to heart.
If he is turning bright red, maybe she is doing it to embarrass him/show power over him, and not for any concern about what you think. If he is not kissing her in front of you, because he knows you don’t display affection that way at home, he can decide, as an adult, whether he should talk to her or not.
I don’t recall my parents saying that they loved me, or each other, in my presence. Very very few hugs, if at all. Things like lying to me for as long as possible so I “wouldn’t feel bad” if something happened (“gee, Aunt Bee passed away a year ago? No wonder she didn’t acknowledge my thank you note!”). Strong impression that kids were a burden on their parents, and that parents were not in love.
So I resolved to do the opposite. I kiss my husband and hug him in front of my kids. I tell my kids I love them frequently. I hug and kiss my kids, even my big one. I will PDA if my kids walk downstairs when we are watching a movie (try to stay on first base LOL) - my take is that if it bothers them, they can go upstairs. If someone is in love with someone, and they are leaving them for a short or long time, is it not appropriate to do more than a peck on the cheek?
IMHO, if it bothers you, leave the room. If you leave the room enough, she’ll get that it makes you uncomfortable and she’ll stop it, or she’ll get what she wanted - you to leave the room.
When I had my wisdom teeth out, my boyfriend stayed at my house. We had lived together for six months, so although my mother set up the bed downstairs for him and mine in my room upstairs for me, we both stayed downstairs. I think it kind of freaked her out, but maybe it freaked her out more that we would share soup bowls and plates of food (still do). What is natural to us was unnatural to her. She got used to it though.
(Interesting on the “blended families”/parents dating other people theory of more PDA - just maybe if there was more PDA in the first place, the parents would have stayed together - that’s my theory, and it is working pretty well for us, it is just like we were dating without the hassle of logistics)
Your son is bright red after she finishes the extended kiss sitting on his lap. Obviously, he is embarrassed. He is probably afraid of being ridiculed by her as uptight if he doesn’t go along with it. (As well as enjoying their physical relationship overall. 
) You have already spoken to him once about the couch incident. Now you’ve indicated discomfort with the kissing that is clearly uncomfortable for him, too.
The ball is now in his court. He can talk with her about dialing it back, or he can continue to allow himself to be pushed around and continue to knowingly make his mother uncomfortable.
To me, there is a fairly bright line between behavior that is simply affectionate, and behavior that makes the unwilling onlookers want to say “Get a room!” It sounds to me as if she falls into the latter category.
We were recently visited by my S and his GF. They stayed in the same room, and everyone was matter-of-fact about it. They were affectionate at times–for example, we all watched a movie together, and due to the seating available they snuggled together in a large chair. They didn’t behave as if there was about to be foreplay! Your S’s GF crosses the line, to me, when she sits in his lap and goes into an extended, passionate kiss.
OP- Regardless of the GF’s intentions, if it makes you uncomfortable then I don’t see the problem in just nicely telling your son that it is not appropriate in your house. I can’t imagine I would have done that in front of a BF’s parents until I was extremely comfortable around them and knew their family dynamics (I wouldn’t have done that anyway but I agree that comfort level with PDA often depends on family background). I know that if a SO tried that with any of my kids in my home, my kids would tell them to knock it off. I also know exactly what the OP is talking about when she says she gets a feeling something is just off. I have learned to trust my gut and there is usually something to it when I get a feeling about the behavior of someone. I would never say anything to my kids regarding gut feelings about a friend or SO unless it was a dangerous situation, but I would not hesitate to comment about a behavior in my home that I didn’t feel was appropriate. There are plenty of other ways to make them feel welcome in your home without allowing things that you do not approve of. Everyone has boundaries and there is nothing wrong with letting your kids know what the boundaries in your home are.
Didn’t realize someone had posted between me and a post I referred to.
This is the paragraph to which I said “Ditto.”
IMO, no one should have to leave a room in their OWN house to feel comfortable. The GF and BF can survive without making out in front of his parents. I don’t see anywhere that the OP thinks they cannot show affection, just that it gets out of hand in her opinion. If anyone should HAVE to leave the room, it should be the ones getting it on.
Didn’t the OP say that even a peck on the cheek made her want to gag, and that holding hands was almost too much? To me, that says “no affection can be shown”. Now, I am completely ok with her asking the son and GF to tone in down in her presence-no need for long, passionate kisses or lap-sitting. For that, I don’t think she needs to leave the room, but should speak up, which she did. But I’m a bit startled that even a peck on the CHEEK, no liplock involved is gag-inducing to her.
I guess, hearing the story of how her father would allow NO contact between his kids and partners plays a large part in this. I’m sure he thought that if he forbid this, then he could assure himself that they certainly weren’t sleeping together! I wonder if they were allowed to hold hands or peck cheeks after marriage in his home?
I can’t say much about the girl in the OP. Sounds like she knows mom doesn’t care for her and those “looks” she gives mom may not be unintentional. But it also sounds like mom has a pretty high bar for GF/BF proper behavior, and that might rankle GF just a tad.
I try to be welcoming of my kids’ dates, and age plays a part in what’s acceptable, but our house is one where physical affection is shown, and a peck on the cheek wouldn’t make me gag, and I wouldn’t even blink at holding hands. Neither even count as PDA to me.
Sseamom…what makes me gag…and it’s not just this case, is when people display PDA for show. It’s not kissing or hugging per se, it “why” they are doing it. I’m not so sure this wasn’t for my benefit. But others say not to jump the gun to that decision and I’m listening to them.
I’ve never given the GF any indication that I don’t like her, As a matter of fact, I get texts from her calling me MommaT. I sat quietly during the little exhibition, then smiled warmly at her when she left. I do have a high bar for gf/bf interaction and she was doing this stuff (laying on top of him) before she even knew that I disliked or liked it.
I am welcoming of my kid’s gf/bf. They have no problem being at my house.
^^^Agree completely! You are actually much more patient with her behavior than I would have been.
Obviously laying on top of him and climbing into his lap are overboard. But how can you tel if someone gives a peck on the cheek to a GF/BF on the way out the door or holds hands while walking with family if it’s “for show” or just genuine affection? I would actually be concerned if my kid was dating someone who NEVER held their hand or gave them a quick kiss. That would be so hands-off to me that I’d worry how much they even liked my kid.
It seems to me that you have to clearly state your boundaries to the couple (or to your son), and then hold the couple to them. You could make it easier on your son and maybe strengthen your relationship with his GF if you addressed them both. You are discussing your rules for your house, after all.
Either decide you are OK with it (if you do this, I would definitely give her a warm kiss on one or both cheeks when she came over to give me a goodbye hug); or state what you are OK with- walking to the door, or simply a shorter quick peck.
If she and her family think you are uptight because of this, that’s OK. Maybe you are uptight in their eyes. So what? Different strokes. At least everyone knows what is OK.
But maintain control of behavior in your home. It is about your house rules; not about any specific individuals.
I would be uncomfortable with the lap sitting, too. I don’t think it’s appropriate. Frankly, the first think I thought of when reading the OP was marking territory. I guess because the son seemed uncomfortable with it, too.
Kissing and pecking and hand holding are no problem for me, in a casual home setting. The lap sitting, good-bye display would bother me. I think you have to talk to your son, because he is your parenting concern. If the GF becomes a DIL, then you may need to speak to her as well if the behavior continues. My concern would not only be how it makes me feel, but how it can negatively impact this young couple if they behave like this in other circumstances. We teach them etiquette rules to help them get on in life. They need to understand this sort of PDA can be damaging to them in other circumstances. It makes many people uncomfortable and not everyone will be as understanding as you. Will she behave this way in social settings with those who may have the potential to impact their later professional lives? They need to be aware this may be seen as very ill-mannered behavior. imho.
ETA: and I’m as huggy, kissey, lovey with my family as it gets.