<p>Hmmm… I guess I shouldn’t have married my husband. He has a brother with cerebral palsy (and Crohn’s), an uncle with Down’s syndrome, his father has irritable bowel syndrome, and his mother was a bipolar alcoholic. And did I mention that his mother’s three sisters all died of breast cancer before age 60?</p>
<p>And what was it my mother didn’t like about him? Oh yes… he wore nylon shirts. (Those gross knit ones that were trendy in the late 70’s… only it was 1982 by then.)</p>
<p>Well, those of us who are physically “defective” or otherwise unusual (as I certainly am, in so many ways), just have to hope that their children’s potential partners will look past that and not reject them for it. I guess the fact that my son is gay might lessen the impact of that kind of genetic issue, although I do hope that if he and the life partner I hope he has someday end up having children, my son won’t be seen as disqualified from contributing the genetic material if that’s how they decide to go about it – whether because of the physical illnesses and schizophrenia in his family background, or because he’s so tiny, not even 5’ 2". As far as I’m concerned, despite all of this, anyone would be lucky, and should be extremely grateful, to have my son’s genes. Because you couldn’t find a fundamentally sweeter or kinder young man, and you couldn’t find too many who are smarter. So there!</p>
<p>I’m not naive, of course. I do realize how much some people care about that stuff. Understandably, perhaps, but still unfortunately in my opinion. I was in a relationship for a period of time after my marriage ended, for a couple of years before my transition until about a year afterwards. (For anyone out there who’s ready to jump on me for being a so-called “deceitful trans person,” yes, of course the person in question knew all about my transness from the beginning; I was already transitioning medically when our relationship began.)</p>
<p>In any event, one of the reasons this person gave me for concealing our relationship from his or her own children (I’m not identifying the person’s gender), and wanting to keep it a secret indefinitely, was not so much the person’s own shame or embarrassment at the idea of their children knowing that they were dating a trans woman, but a strong concern that once those children were older, it would reduce their prospects of making a good marriage if it were known that one of their parents was partnered with a trans woman. (I don’t think either of us quite realized at the time just how “blendable” I would end up being, and that nobody would ever really have to know my history.) This wasn’t the reason we ultimately broke up, but it did hurt to hear that, and it still bothers me a little. I don’t think I would ever again get into a relationship with someone who was ashamed of me or embarrassed by me in any way, or wanted to keep me a secret, either for themselves or their children. I know that people like me can’t afford to be too choosy if they don’t want to remain alone forever, but I’d rather be alone than in that kind of situation again.</p>
<p>" I don’t think I would ever again get into a relationship with someone who was ashamed of me or embarrassed by me in any way, or wanted to keep me a secret, either for themselves or their children. I know that people like me can’t afford to be too choosy if they don’t want to remain alone forever, but I’d rather be alone than in that kind of situation again."</p>
<p>I agree with your not going into a relationship with someone who would be ashamed or want to keep you a secret. </p>
<p>I also think that people like you can afford to be selective in choosing partners. In the admittedly small sample of male to female transgendered people whom I know – 2 – both have found wonderful female partners who are kind, supportive, and educated and are equivalent or even higher quality than the people they dated/married while male. </p>
<p>Neither of my transgendered friends is “blendable.” One is more than 6 foot tall and retains the broad shoulders and deep base voice of the male athlete that she used to be. Her current partner is very similar in looks, interests, education, etc. to her ex wife. The other also is tall and is still undergoing treatments to change genders. I didn’t know her ex wife, but have heard that her ex wife wasn’t very gregarious or likable. My friend’s current partner, however, is very nice and well liked.</p>
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<p>There’s nothing you can do about it now. Just wait it out and hope for the best. Our thoughts are with you.</p>
<p>Wait…were you being sarcastic?</p>
<p>I think it’s pretty clear that she was being sarcastic, mantori. At least it seemed that way to me.</p>
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<p>Well, on second thought, he may be an excellent boyfriend, but I think the two of them may have a moral obligation not to have children together.</p>
<p>You see, they go to the same university. Therefore, if they produced offspring, those offspring would only be legacies at one university. Horrors!</p>
<p>Mantori: that’s actually a completely true post. My husband does have all those genetic drawbacks. And the only thing my mother cared about were his clothes.</p>
<p>Of course, my husband also has a LOT going for him. For one thing, he’s brilliant. For another, he’s charming. We’ve been married 26 years. We have two healthy, intelligent, and charming children.</p>
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<p>frazzled, I appreciate your perspective on my question. I do realize that it’s an inherently selfish position to have. In all honesty, I have had reservations about a child’s SO, which I kept to myself. Thinking about this further, I’ve also realized that some part of me would be disappointed if my child rejected someone because of family medical history, even though the implications of which would have a huge impact on his life. After all, kindness and above all, optimism and an open heart are key attributes in my list for potential GF/BF’s. I don’t expect less from my own children.</p>
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<p>Oh, I didn’t doubt that it was true, and I was kidding about the sarcasm. I’m sure you don’t really regret marrying your husband!</p>
<p>In hindsight, I think my parents felt that my girlfriend, now wife, was beneath me, which is funny considering that my family is only a few nanometers higher on the trash scale than hers. :D</p>
<p>I started making a list :</p>
<p>Desirable traits :</p>
<p>Kindness
Integrity
Honesty
Respectful
Reasonable level of intelligence
Reasonable ability of making a living</p>
<p>Then the daughter sprang the news about the current boyfriend and suddenly we decided may be having a future partner with someone from a similar as in cultural background is desirable. Hmmmmm.</p>
<p>Mantori–I see. Yes, I was being sarcastic about “I shouldn’t have married my husband”–I meant, if you looked at SOME of the genetic factors, he was a terrible choice. I think in this discussion, it’s important to remember that no one comes with a perfect set of genes, and that it’s impossible to eliminate risk and pain from life. I don’t regret marrying my husband, but when he got cancer at age 41, I wondered if the genetic stew I’d handed my children was going to be a problem. Then, I got cancer at age 51, and I was sure. Oh well. Apparently, however, we both have good recovery genes as well, since we’re both still here. Genetics are not predestination or certainty.</p>
<p>I don’t know about “perfect”, but when you get that feeling that your son or daughter might be taken away from you, then that person is a potential match. A match may not be the perfect partner we wish for our kids, but then again our kids are not perfect either.</p>
<p>Orphans…so that I do not have to share my grandchildren with anyone. :)</p>
<p>believersmom, lol</p>
<p>believersmom…sooo, we should all walk out on icefloes or otherwise make ourselves scarce in this world, to make our own progeny more desirable to others. 
That’s a mighty big sacrifice for my children! </p>
<p>I have an age-mate female friend who said she was looking out for an orphan as her perfect mate (=no in-laws) and she found him in her 30’s. She says, "He got me with ‘Orphan’ They’ve been married 20+yrs.</p>
<p>Passing on my mom’s mantra to me, which helped me then and remains HELPFUL today now that my own kids are announcing engagements:</p>
<p>“Do not look for someone who has no problems. Look for someone with whom you can solve problems, because those will keep coming at you both.”</p>
<p>If you liked that one (or not), here’s another piece of advice from an anonymous lady I met in Italy at age l9 (translated because I forgot so much of my Italian):</p>
<p>“There are no more knights riding in on white horses to save the day. There are a lot of good guys walking alongside gray donkeys.”</p>
<p>Well, I am way more opinionated than most of you guys! I know that I don’t get to pick my kids’ future spouses, but if I could…</p>
<p>for S1:
Bubbly and upbeat (because he can be melancholy at times)
Dedicated to her faith and with no significant doctrinal differences to him (because this is a very important part of his life)
Doesn’t have to be frugal necessarily but shouldn’t be the queen of high fashion like his last g/f (because he’s a tightwad)
Enjoys physical closeness such as holding hands, sitting close to watch t.v., etc. (because he is that way)
Willing to compromise her own career ambitions to be with him (because he has a 10 year military obligation)</p>
<p>for S2:
Mellow (to balance his “always on” personality)
A snuggler just like S1 needs
Has a servant’s heart (because S2 has no organizational skills whatsoever, and I guarantee you his living space is as bad as any of your kids and possibly worse than any of them). She will need to help him and not resent him for that
Patience of a saint (see above)</p>
<p>S1 is 23 and is in the market for a serious relationship, so we’ve actually been having discussions about some of these very things.</p>
<p>Well, I am way more opinionated than most of you guys! I know that I don’t get to pick my kids’ future spouses, but if I could…</p>
<p>for S1:
Bubbly and upbeat (because he can be melancholy at times)
Dedicated to her faith and with no significant doctrinal differences to him (because this is a very important part of his life)
Doesn’t have to be frugal necessarily but shouldn’t be the queen of high fashion like his last g/f (because he’s a tightwad)
Enjoys physical closeness such as holding hands, sitting close to watch t.v., etc. (because he is that way)
Willing to compromise her own career ambitions to be with him (because he has a 10 year military obligation)</p>
<p>for S2:
Mellow (to balance his “always on” personality)
A snuggler just like S1 needs
Has a servant’s heart (because S2 has no organizational skills whatsoever, and I guarantee you his living space is as bad as any of your kids and possibly worse than any of them). She will need to help him and not resent him for that
Patience of a saint (see above)</p>
<p>S1 is 23 and is in the market for a serious relationship, so we’ve actually been having discussions about some of these very things.</p>
<p>I wasn’t so sure about the husband that D chose at first, but she knew what she was doing. He’s a definite keeper and is perfect for her!</p>
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<p>If a relationship has long-term potential, suddenly this sort of thing becomes important.</p>
<p>My son’s most recent girlfriend was an international student. Our family did not object to the relationship, but her family would have been very distressed to find out that she was involved with an American. Perhaps it is for the best that the relationship only lasted four months: I could see trouble down the road.</p>
<p>My daughter’s current boyfriend is not from the exact same cultural background that we are, and he comes from a different geographic area, but the similarities outweigh the differences, and neither family objects to the relationship. Moreover, my daughter has no desire to return to the geographic area she came from. If this relationship were to turn into something long term, there might be some religious compromises to be made down the road, but nothing earthshatteringly serious.</p>