<p>Hi all. I have not been around much b/c of a new job and traveling and things. But I do lurk from time to time…just haven’t posted much. </p>
<p>Anyway. I am contemplating asking my DH to move out. Or maybe I should be the one to move out. I’ve just recently started running the possibilities through my head but I’m very confused. </p>
<p>We have been married just over 20 years. We actually get along well and have common values and all. But my DH’s son has been nothing but trouble and a strain on our relationship. Yes, I realize I probably should’ve known this before I got married, and I did play along and acted as this kid’s mother for many, many years. He was 2 years old when we married and DH has always had full custody. His biological mother left him when he was about 6 months old and other than sporadic visits maybe once every year or two, she’s pretty much avoided him. I know this is part of his problem, and I feel like I’ve been sympathetic for a long time. But my patience is all but gone. </p>
<p>Stepson has always had problems with authority; was suspended from school (eventually dropped out), a lot of lying and getting into trouble which escalated in his HS years. Has been arrested for shoplifting and most recently got a DUI, so now he can’t drive.
He has 2 kids who are 1 and 3 years old. They are our grandkids and they are great. Stepson and his wife separated several months ago and last month the mom told him to come and get the kids for “a couple months” until she could get moved into her new place (or whatever she’s doing). Stepson has been staying at my inlaws with his kids and my MIL is very worn out from constant babysitting. I should mention that stepson only works 4-5 days per week, and we watch the kids a lot on the weekends to give MIL a break. So theoretically stepson should be watching his own kids on his days off. But the problem is that he tends to screw around on the computer, watch TV, fiddles around outside, etc…basically, leaving my MIL to watch them even when he should be. So DH wants to invite them all to move in with us to give her a break.
This is where I have a HUGE problem. I don’t want them moving in with us. I really feel like it’s time for stepson to grow up and quit leaching off us and the inlaws. DH and my MIL are what I would call “enablers” and they think it’s perfectly fine (and in fact the loving thing to do) to constantly bail family members out of their problems. I feel like we have bailed this kid out of so many things over the years and I have had it. We tried to make him face consequences, but he never seems to learn. Like the time when he was 15 and didn’t have a license (or permit!) and drove his friend’s car and totaled it. We made him pay for the damage to their car; well, we actually had to front the money and then have him pay us back over a period of several months. This is just one example…there have been things like this over and over throughout his life. But still, it’s one bad/stupid choice after another. I see no end to it. </p>
<p>I feel like DH would be happier if he and stepson and MIL all lived together. Seriously. I feel like I am in his way and he’d rather be “married” to all them. This is hard because I don’t know how I’d feel if the situation were reversed. Like what if I had a delinquent kid from a previous marriage and DH was tired of dealing with 20+ years of problems. Believe me, I’ve tried to put myself in his position, but it’s hard to know exactly what I’d do. I think it would depend a lot on the attitude of my (theoretical) kid. </p>
<p>Jeez. What a story. This probably sounds like something you’d see on some stupid daytime talk show :eek: . But I seriously don’t know what to do next. </p>
<p>Does DH realize that at this moment, he’s got to choose between you and the rest of the clan? At the very least, as your loving mate for 20 years, he is entitled to know the gravity of his next move.</p>
<p>Agreeing with Opie, although no harm in asking, these are problems for a serious marriage counselor; have you gone that route?</p>
<p>I’d see a family counselor (one about whom you’ve heard good things) and talk about these issues. Sometimes talking to a non-involved, independent third party can really clarify things. Good luck.</p>
<p>You need to hop on over to the ** So I’m considering enlisting in the military** thread. Where you can read all about service to our country as a way to find self. Life experience and opportunity for education.<br>
**
How is it that you have had the kid as a parent since age of 2 yet you aren’t a part of who he has become? I missed that part maybe?</p>
<p>Have you talked to your husband? He deserves to know what you’re thinking about doing. I would suggest couple/family counseling so that you can each share your thoughts and opinions in a safe, controlled environment and hopefully come to an agreeable solution. You have a disagreement on parenting. If it ends up being a large enough issue, it may be a very valid reason why you should split up. For now, though, you should try to find a solution that you can both live with for that one problem: setting appropriate boundaries for your son and his children. </p>
<p>I would also suggest individual therapy so that you can talk about your problems and relieve some stress. </p>
<p>Now, onto my second issue. If you’re only looking for supportive words on this thread, then skip this part of my post. I feel bad saying this. I’m 18, never been married, no kids. But your attitude toward your stepson sounds very off. You raised him from the time he was two years old. This is not just your husband’s son. This is your son that you, as a couple, raised. I really don’t understand how you can say that the boy is not really your son. My father had two kids from a previous marriage who ended up living with my family after my parents got married. They were adolescents at the time, and I wasn’t born yet. My mother would never refer to or think about her stepson and stepdaughter as being only her husband’s kids. My mom sees herself as one of their mothers, even though they moved in when they were already quite grown up. You’ve raised this boy since he was two. He is as much your son as your husband’s son. You are not talking about leaving your husband; you are talking about leaving your family, including your son. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it; I’m saying your attitude seems warped. Perhaps that kind of thinking works for your family, but it’s something for you to think about. I wonder what your husband thinks about the fact that you don’t see the boy you raised as really being your son. I wonder what the boy thinks about the fact that the woman who raised him (the only true mother he’ll ever really know) doesn’t think of him as a son. I know that would affect my behavior. Anyway, it’s something that you should think about and perhaps talk about in therapy.</p>
<p>“I did play along and acted as this kid’s mother for many, many years. He was 2 years old when we married and DH has always had full custody.”</p>
<p>Wow, that sounds harsh…Play along? Acted? </p>
<p>I really feel sorry for ALL involved. The step-son, because his mother wasn’t around; the dad, because it sounds like you were never able to embrace his boy as your own; you, because of the heart-breaking position you find yourself in now; and especially the poor innocent grandkids…</p>
<p>I agree with Opie, paying3tuitions and Jolynne Smyth…run to the closest reputable family counselor! Best of luck!</p>
<p>I think people are being harsh with DrDrewsmom, though their opinions are certainly welcomed and valid in their own right, as she asked for opinions in the first place. But I don’t think the issue is so much that this is DrDrewsmom’s step child. I have met DrDrewsmom in person. She has certainly raised this boy as her own from all I can tell. He has been a very difficult boy to raise. She tried and lovingly raised him and has embraced the grandkids as her own and so forth. I think the issue here isn’t so much that this is her stepson but would be an issue even if it was her biological son. If anything, she deserves kudos for taking on raising a son that wasn’t hers and who has been extremely difficult, as her own, and where the real mother has been absent (but alive) from his life. She willingly did so and treated him as her own son.</p>
<p>I’m sure the boy has affects from being abandoned by his own mother. He obviously has some “issues.” He has also dropped out of school, married very young and has had children very young. The situation is a difficult one as he is not entirely “grown up” and is not taking on his responsibilities fully as an adult even though he has put himself in a very adult situation (marriage, kids). The young ones’ mother is not there for them now either. Even MORE diffiult. It sounds like the other grandma is having to do all the work and DrDrewsmom’s family also takes a lot of it on. I think the issues with her stepson are very difficult and would be the case even if her own son from birth. I can’t blame DrDrewsMom for the situation. Yes, she raised him. It isn’t so odd that she feels a bit differently about having taken on raising another woman’s child who chose not to be available to her son, and after all she has done, she is now handed this situation from her husband who is not respecting her wishes on the matter. She should have a say here. It is his son, but the having him in the home with his little kids, involves her. Yes, it is part of her obligation in being married to her husband to fully embrace his child as her own. But it is not her obligation to have a grown son and grandchildren live in her home and where she would likely have to care for the grandkids the most out of anyone living there. </p>
<p>DrDrewsmom, we can’t advise you on a message board but I am glad you vented. I really think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him that while you love your stepson and the grandkids and have done the best for them from the get go, that it is not in your stepson’s best interests to live with his parents, be supported by his parents, and to have his parents raise his children. Further, you do not want to take on that responsibility and the stress it will cause on your lives. I think your husband should know that you feel very strongly about this enough to not live there any longer under such a circumstance. But it doesn’t seem worth breaking up your marriage over. I really think if you could go to a marriage counselor together to problem solve a solution to this situation so that it doesn’t break up your marriage would be best. If your husband is not willing to hear you on this and not willing to consider or respect your position and the importance of this to you in whether or not you stay married (which you should reveal), or not willing to consider some counseling with you, go to a counselor on your own and get some professional advice to deal with your feelings and with how to work this out. </p>
<p>I really do believe that DrDrewsmom HAS embraced this boy for years and this isn’t about that. It is about his going out on his own and also the stress his living with his parents with the toddlers would cause on their marriage. She has valid concerns. I know she loves this boy because when I met her, she showed me pictures of his wedding and babies and so forth, to the extent of any proud mother…beaming.</p>
<p>S…I will be thinking of you and know that the situation is stressful and there is pain involved for you here. I hope you can get help in real time.</p>
<p>I may have not worded that very well. And obviously I can’t site every single detail and event that has happened over the years. I didn’t mention that stepson did go live with his biological mother and her boyfriend when he was about 16 or 17. That only lasted a few months because the mother’s boyfriend and stepson didn’t get along. He also lived with his half-brother (another kid from his bio mother) for a few months. Also didn’t work out because of problems getting along with half-brother’s girlfriend. Stepson also lived with his girlfriend/later-wife’s family for a while and couldn’t get along with them either. See a pattern here? I am not just being the unreasonable mean-stepmother. This kid cannot live with anyone without there being problems. </p>
<p>And yes, of course I have talked with DH about it. That’s why all the strife between us. And I will consider counseling, of course. Just wanted to see if there were other parents out there who have been in this situation or something similar. And how they were able to handle it.</p>
<p>ETA, thank you soozievt, for your kind words. I do have very strong feelings for stepson and his kids! I truly want the best for all of them. I just can’t handle them living here, although I have been very willing to help out with babysitting on the weekends----I actually enjoy it (most of the time!).</p>
<p>I know of situations where kids born from other moms are saddled with fetal alcohol syndrome. Even when the adopting or step-mom tries her darndest, the outcomes aren’t always great. So this has to be factored in, with the help of therapy, not to judge the OP for not having taken a full hand in raising him. I know moms (not me) who really did everything, but because of drugs or alcohol pregnancies, the cards were stacked against them and they can’t live with children they adopted who had these issues. The substances during a pregnancy can lead to an inability to identify and process cause-and-effect, so that turns into crime and delinquency at an older age. It’s not easy caring for some kids, and they can absolutely take the marriage right to the breaking point, no fault of the mom.</p>
<p>I agree with you paying3tuitions. DrDrewsmom has three biological sons of her own who are not delinquent or problematic in this way. Her oldest son was valedictorian, if I recall, and is now in college. I think she loves stepson and adores the grandkids. She has done a great deal to raise her husband’s child who had an absent mother. He is an extreme challenge. She did this lovingly as she married the toddler’s father and so welcomed the toddler as her own to raise. I think she has very valid concerns about this young man and if it is in his best interests to move in with her family, but also she has valid concerns about the stress it would cause to have him and the tots move in. I don’t have a solution and it is a complex situation, but I feel for her concerns and they do need to be addressed. If son were to move in, there would have to be some sort of agreement for length of stay until he got on his feet (expectations for that) and for his caring for his children when not at work. Time to grow up. I feel for the babies as their own mom is not there for them either and the dad doesn’t seem to be willing or able to take on the responsibility of raising them. I hope this doesn’t break up DrDrewsMom’s family because of the long term marriage and also due to their three shared boys. I hope DrDrewsmom and her husband can go to a counselor to get an unbiased voice and who can guide them to a solution that is workable for all concerned and not where DrDrewsmom’s voice is not being heard in this matter. If her husband is willing to go and to work out some solution, I think it would be good if the grown stepson also has to meet with a counselor to work out his end of the “agreement.”</p>
<p>tepson and his wife separated several months ago and last month the mom told him to come and get the kids for “a couple months” until she could get moved into her new place (or whatever she’s doing).</p>
<p>There should be a plan in place to designate parenting- and perhaps the court has an advocate that can help stepson to do that-
it sounds like if the parents get their act together- that would take pressure off MIL and your Hs guilt?</p>
<p>I can understand your feelings-my 1st instinct would be to move out at least to get a break & think- not that Im suggesting that- but I could understand it.
Perhaps MIL should attend counseling so she can get a better handle on how she communicates her wishes to her grandson?
That would be much healthier for her- than to have her grown son move in with her & her grown grandson ( imo)
She probably also would feel bad about your household going topsy turvy as well-
Maybe a family meeting with a mediator?</p>
<p>soozievt is right, I was being too harsh, especially in light of the title of your post which told us this was a “vent.” My appologies!</p>
<p>I agree with all the advice sooz gave you, but would take it one step further. You should also have a talk with your stepS and tell him the same things you tell your H. He needs to take responsibility for his own kids, and the sooner the better (not only for the kids but also for his own well-being). Then all of you (all the interested parties) need to sit down and come up with a game-plan on how your stepS can fulfill his responsibilities (one step at a time). Does he need to go to AA and get his drinking problem under control? What steps is he going to take to properly care for his children? The list may need to be very detailed if he has never taken any responsibility before(planning out his days hour by hour). In what capacity are family memebers going to help out? (babysitting once a week, having family meetings regularly, etc.) StepS needs to know that you will be there for him to help out, but his kids and his life are HIS responsibility, not yours. He needs to know that he will not find personal fulfillment until he takes control of his life and does the right thing for his kids. </p>
<p>You have a great burden on your shoulders, and you need your H’s full support in order for the situation to improve. You are correct in saying that you have to stop being “enablers,” or you will find yourselves in the same situation 10 years from now. Of course, this is easier said than done when innocent babies are involved.</p>
<p>I would ask is the marriage otherwise one you want to continue.</p>
<p>Does your husband drink too much? Abuse you? If nothing overt like that, more subtly, does your husband believe in you? Does he value you? Does he listen to you? Do you still feel that little spark now and then? Do you find you look forward to spending time alone with him for other reasons on the days that the spark is absent? If you make strong statements, will he fight to keep you, strongly enough that you will stay? Will he look deep within himself to understand your distress about him, not always push it back on you to solve? When he cannot solve it, will he stay by you while you solve it and understand what you are doing for him?</p>
<p>If these things are true, nothing is worth a divorce. Not with children. </p>
<p>If this situation is a symptom of how he often behaves, in other words, you don’t matter, that’s one thing. If this is the only case - do everything you can to stay with him.</p>
<p>Yup she made that up and she has the battle scars to show for it.</p>
<p>Bummer, DRDrew. My mother always tells me: “You can’t pick your family!” I so wish that I could because I can be a whimp. But you? You are tougher than you think. Look how far you’ve come already!!</p>
<p>You are feeling overwhelmed but my guess is that your husband would be heartbroken to read your post. Give up his last few years with his children at home? For a difficult son and tiny tiny grandchildren? I’m sure his mother took those kids in so that you wouldn’t have to–so that your children could finish growing in peace.</p>
<p>Stay the course girl–at least until your children are out of the house. Keep putting bandaids on the other situation. Your stepson is working. He isn’t putting the kids up for foster care. He’s not quite the Mr Dad you’d like him to be but it sounds like he has always had limited capability.</p>
<p>Can you afford to pay for a great nanny/housekeeper to work at MIL’s? sounds expensive–until you compare it to divorce.</p>