<p>DDM, I am also the stepmom of a child I raised since age 2, whom I love very much and whose college hunt brought me to CC. It is a very very hard blow to a child to be essentially abandoned by a parent, even when they have a loving stepparent to take up the slack. I have seen areas of real damage in my D who is not a behavior problem at all but who carries scars. </p>
<p>A few ideas: </p>
<p>If you have a relationship with him that would allow this, here’s what I would do. I would confront him (calmly; maybe with a therapist present?) about the need for him to pull his $hit together for his kids, as a way of HONORING his dad by being a steadfast father to his own children. He, of all people, should know the pain of having been bailed on by a biological parent. (Who does he want to be for his own kids, the out-to-lunch mother or the devoted dad?) It sounds like he’s still a juvenile and maybe this could motivate him to grow up.</p>
<p>Can you communicate directly with the mother of these children and help get her back into the grandchildrens’ lives, even if only as a part time caregiver in the MILs home?</p>
<p>Can you or your H provide “respite” care for the MIL, without bringing them all into your home?</p>
<p>I agree that the enabling of the S is bad. I suggest you give your H “Pere Goriot” to read. Some kids will bleed a parent dry.</p>
<p>My H is slightly prone to ‘spoiling’ our D, MUCH more than I am, and I think it’s because, in the back of his mind, he has always felt guilty for saddling her with such a poor bio mom. Could this be going on here? </p>
<p>Can your H be made to understand that he needs to put his energy towards getting this S functional, rather than playing to his weaknesses? </p>
<p>Hugs to you.
My stepdad had 2 kids very much like your stepson. One difference is they were already 17 and 19 when he married my Mom. The oldest married, had two kids and separated from his wife when the kids were 1 and 3. I don’t even know what happened to the Mom, I just know my stepbrother ended up with them. My Mom refused to allow him to come live with us. What she was willing to do was have the 2 grandkids come and live with us for awhile. She knew if she took my StepB in they would not leave anytime soon. With this approach my Step B did join the military and got back with his wife for a time. That didn’t work and eventually the Mom took the kids and moved across the country, we never did see them again. My step brother to this day hasn’t changed much.
At the time I was probably 10. I didn’t understand what was going on. As a parent I have a really hard time with the fact that my Mom made my stepdad make the decision between her and his kids.
I realize after writing this whole story I still don’t know if my Mom did the right thing. My stepdad was a wonderful father to me and my siblings. He also was a wonderful Grandfather to my kids. He did not have that same relationship with his own son’s and grandsons. I think that is sad.
But another thing to consider is that you still have children at home and how they would feel not living with both of their parents who as you say still love each other.
No easy answers</p>
<p>Never take kids away from their parents unless they are at real risk. Over and over again you see that kids, despite us, love their parents and do not want to leave them.</p>
<p>DrDrewsmom, I’m so sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing in your life right now. On one of those stress scales you’d probably be off the charts (brand new job, difficult older child, two babies, rift with spouse, MIL falling apart from stress and strain) right about now. So. regardless of what else you do, please take care of yourself. I’m very glad to hear that you are considering counseling. My advice is to make that appointment ASAP - and to give it the same kind of priority as if you had an urgent medical issue of some kind, heaven forbid. You may have to be the one who gets the ball rolling there, though and this may involve your speaking directly to the others who are involved here - your stepson, your MIL, the stepson’s ex and of course your H - to let them know how large of an issue you feel this has become. If none of them agree to participate, go yourself. Take one step at a time and don’t make any final decisions yet. </p>
<p>Let’s hope that this young man gets a vasectomy as a first step to figuring out what to do with his life.</p>
<p>This story sounds so much like my neighbor’s, who was handed two toddler grandkids to raise after her son and his wife proved inadequate. She is ill with cancer, and had to send the children, now teens, to yet another living situation. It never ends for these kids.</p>