Pessimist Mom getting on my nerves... What should I do?

Applying to College
1

<p>Ok, first of all, I’m not one of these amazing kids who gets in all ivies and top 10 colleges. But I certainly applied for a couple of reach schools. I wasn’t really worried about the decisions from my reach schools at the beginning. But since last week, my mom has been calling these colleges EVERY single day. Of course, she was only trying to call the financial aid offices. But she always try to analyze my acceptance status based on her conversations w/ financial aid officers, and she always comes up with the worst conclusions…</p>

<p>So, today she called ABCDE University’s fin. aid office and asked for the status of our recently submitted FAFSA corrections. The student worker (she thinks) told her that ABCDE has not received FAFSA yet (which is certainly strange). My mom told me that the person she talked to checked the so called “list” and didn’t find my FAFSA files. So, in later times of the day, my mom called ABCED University again! This time, it’s a male who picked up the phone and told her that they might have made some “technical” mistakes.</p>

<p>And here’s the conclusion that my mom drew — I was PROBABLY (probably: > 97%) rejected from ABCDE b/c the person in financial aid office didn’t see my name in the “list”, which she suspected to be the admission “list”. She also concluded the fact that compared to her talk with Fin. Aid officers yesterday, the fin. aid officers were not very “enthusiastic” today, which is a sign of them knowing that I was rejected today…</p>

<p>Obviously, I don’t have my hopes of acceptance really high, but what I cant stand is my mom’s constant “analysis” on her talks with financial aid officers. i guess I have to stand her until Mar. 30th when the decision is posted…</p>

<p>Everybody who has similar situations at home, feel free to commiserate here… :(</p>

2

<p>I can TOTALLY relate. But I am stuck with my mom for another two more years while you get to leave. :frowning: My mom has officially bought every college/admissions/SAT book at our local Barnes and Noble, and won’t stop just randomly bursting out how I’m going to a CC. It sucks to be around someone so negative and pessimistic about my chances all the time.</p>

3

<p>my sympathies to you and everyone in your predicament. Hard as it is to believe, the parents want what’s best for you, they just have VERY dysfunctional ways of trying to achieve it. And it comes out in many ways. </p>

<p>For some people, negative predictions are a way of warding off disappointment. So for general_li’s mom, maybe at times past there were big disappointments; rather than building up her hopes anymore, she prefers to build a shell and predict failure always. If a failure happens it doesn’t hurt as much since she “knew” it was coming, and if things work out it is a pleasant surprise! To people with this outlook the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place; they rob themselves of joy because even when things are going well they know a problem is just around the corner.</p>

<p>For summerskter, some people have poor motivational styles. They seem to think that by telling someone they’re doomed to mediocrity it will motivate them to change. You gotta wonder why they just don’t come out and say “I think you should do X & Y” instead of saying “you’re going to fail”, but hey. So instead of saying “I think you should turn off the TV and study now” she’ll say “You’re just going to end up at the local CC”. And if your mom is a naturally nervous or anxious person these books just pour gas on the fire. Nobody sells a book by saying “relax, things will work out fine”; instead they trumpet alarming statistics and then promise that only if you follow their advice can you succeed. Good marketing, but not good for those who fall for it.</p>

<p>But the thing to keep in mind is that it’s not you, it’s them. You’re stuck listening to them, but it doesn’t mean you have to believe them and internalize what they’re saying. Don’t argue with them, it just makes it worse (as you’ve no doubt discovered!). An excellent article about dealing with negative people is at <a href=“http://wiki.ehow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People[/url]”>http://wiki.ehow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Also, take a look at the ABCD method of disputing irrational thoughts. Not for arguing with your mom (that isn’t going to help!), but for what you say to yourself. This approach is used in cognitive therapy approaches because the root problem of a lot of people who are depressed or lacking self-esteem is their self-talk. You probably aren’t in these categories, but learning and practicing the technique is a good innoculant against problems after a session with your mom that leaves you fuming. An informative article is at <a href=“http://www.long-beach.med.va.gov/Our_Services/Patient_Care/cpmpbook/cpmp-10.html[/url]”>http://www.long-beach.med.va.gov/Our_Services/Patient_Care/cpmpbook/cpmp-10.html&lt;/a&gt; </p>

<p>One key take-away is that other people can’t make us upset, only WE can!! This dates back to at least the Greek philosopher Epictetus who said he said, “We are not hurt by the events that happen to us, but, by how we view them.” By following the advice in these 2 articles you can avoid upsetting yourself when mom chimes in.</p>

4

<p>Wow, thank you! What you wrote was exactly the "symptom’ my mom has…</p>

<p>But the thing is: she makes me nervous a lot… I have posted about the fin. aid thing couple of days ago. But I guess everybody was busy replying the chancing threads…</p>

<p>Does financial aid officers really know my final verdicts as they open my file? What my mom told me sounded like if all my reach schools has surely rejected me. This totally throws me off b/c I really took it easy at the beginning, thinking that if i get rejected, it’s no big deal anyway. But now she just keeps making me nervous by repeating same pessimistic stuff over and over again. At the same time, she also stresses that it’s OK to get in “lower” tier schools. As she keeps contradicting herself, it really makes me become more nervous.</p>

5

<p>Honestly, I think you’re lucky. My parents are way too OPTIMISTIC. They believe that I’m going to get into at least one of the HYPS schools and I’m so freaked out about disappointing them. Better to prove a pessimistic mother wrong than to disappoint an optimistic one, I say.</p>

6

<p>Tell your mom how you feel. If she starts talking about admissions, just say you’d rather not talk about it until the letters come. If she persists, keep repeating this until she gets the message. She’s worried and probably doesn’t realize that it’s making you miserable.</p>

7

<p>im in the same position as you general li…my mom has no hope for my reach schools…i tell im anxious to find out whether i got in or not…and all she says…we already know…you got rejected…
and isnt the financial aid office and admission office has nothing do with each other?</p>

8

<p>The Admissions and FA offices are normally separate offices. (An exception is Pitt which is the exception that proves the rule.) I suppose they might share info, but the actual situation is probably not like that. It does not take the FA people that long to give you a finan aid package after they have all the info. It is a matter of minutes for them to look at the numbers and decide what to offer you. All of the time for FA is taken up in trying to get all the numbers in one place for somebody to look at. They have to collect the info way before the decisions are made. I would not be surprised if they are not told who the auto-denies are early, but I’m not sure. They certainly have to be ready to make FA packages available for a lot of people who are denied. The busy time for FA offices is in April.</p>

9

<p>-.- Wow, I thought my mom was annoying, but gah, I remember that there are worse.</p>

<p>AJAH AJAH fight~! (:stuck_out_tongue: Korean expression of encouragement) Just a few more months! Hold strong! Make your own choices!</p>

<p>Or I could just be a bad daughter. :stuck_out_tongue: I rebel so much and I’m too stubborn that regardless of what my mom rants, does, w/e, I manage to brush her off and pave my own path. It is mine and I will make my own.</p>

10

<p>A.S.A.P.— I talked to my mom like the way you told me to… she got EXTREMELY mad and walked away from me…</p>

<p>All she just said was: “You are just dreaming! They (ABCDE University) already rejected you!”</p>

<p>And she expressed all her anger and frustration about the financial aid process (non-custodial PROFILE) stuff at me all together. I guess that will keep her anger down for a while (hopefully for two more weeks until final verdict)… sigh… O well, I guess there’s not much i could do.</p>

11

<p>Well, if it won’t hurt your pride, there’s always the appeasement method.</p>

<p>But personally, my own pride doesn’t allow for that. Stupid, I know, but appeasement doesn’t go along with my stubborn nature.</p>

12

<p>My mother just wants me to get out of the house.</p>

13

<p>

This could have been predicted; as I wrote before, don’t argue with people in this frame of mind, it just makes it worse.</p>

<p>It’s not that she’s intending to make you miserable with her comments, which is why you suddenly raising this seems like an attack to her. It’s her way of protecting herself against hoping her daughter gets into a great school and having her hopes dashed. So when you dispute it and ask her not to do it you’re trying to take something away from her, from her point of view. It’s not about you, really, it’s about how SHE sees the world and tries to protect herself from it.</p>

<p>Read those links I posted, hopefully they will help you. And practice non-commital responses that don’t challenge her but don’t sell yourself out either. So mom says “they sounded down on you; I think they’re going to reject you” you can reply “Well, you talked to them”. What does this mean, really? Nothing. She doesn’t see it as attacking her defenses, and you don’t have to feel bad for selling yourself out by agreeing with her. She says “its ok to get into the lower tier schools” and you reply “those schools can provide a good education, can’t they?” Again, a sidestep without aggravating her or you.</p>

<p>And BTW never accuse her of being negative to protect herself unless you want to seriously damage your relationship. There’s lots of truth’s we hide from ourselves, and neither you nor I are therapists. Just let her be, and realize she can no more help the way she is than you can the way you are.</p>

14

<p>She may have become angry, but she did hear you. She walked away because she has been using you, as a sounding board, to make herself feel better, and you didn’t let her. That’s a good result, believe it or not.
Does she often use you as a sounding board, as a “parent” when she’s upset, expecting you to sympathize with her? Try not to let her do this - it will really sap your energy and self-esteem. Divorced parents sometimes make the mistake of using their kids as a sounding board, as a parent or spouse replacement. You’re the kid and she’s the mom, and you shouldn’t need to manage her psychological state. Hopefully you have at least one college on your list of acceptances that will allow you to live at school and have a breather from your home situation. Given time, your mom can come to terms with her own disappointments, and your relationship with her will probably improve. Good luck to you, dear. And don’t worry about abcd college. I think you’ll enjoy wherever you land.</p>

15

<p>an Asian mom I reckon? (no mean to stereotype)
the only thing you can do is to put yourself in her shoes
be more understanding
<em>sigh</em> Parents…</p>

16

<p>Misoobishi, Optimistic people are better. Sure, disappointing them is bad, but pessimists are a massive drag on ur mindset and productivity…</p>

<p>Remember, “negative people are excessive baggage”</p>

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<p>general, i sympathize with you. she seems obsessed, and in fact her constant calls could actually work against you. there are many articles about this very subject, one intersting one in US NEWS AND WORLD REPORT, the college edition. SHE should read it. Not to mention she is not being sensitive to the fact that YOU are the one stressed out, you are the one who is sitting on pins and needles waiting for an acceptance! Nothing will change the outcome now, she should try to be proactive and support you and think about the future and what positive things she can do to HELP you, not to DEFLATE your confidence. Are you by any chance oriental? I only ask because a really good friend of mine has the same situation, she is Korean, she is totally stressed but tells me this is how it is in their culture. Hang in there, before you know it…you will be on your way to college and this phase will be over! Did you get into any schools yet?</p>

18

<p>Wow! I’m in the opposite situation – I’m a positive parent, and my son is very negative about his chances, and doesn’t like me to plan about or talk about his future situation. He says that the only way he can manage his possible disappointment is to assume it’s inevitable, and that way he’ll just be surprised if he’s not. It makes me sad, because I want him to share my optimism, but he says it’s to emotionally risky for him, it’ll hurt so much more if/when he doesn’t get the outcome we hope for.</p>

19

<p>Well, I was early on a real pain to my daughter. But you know what really made the difference? She sat me down, and kindly told me to relax and lighten up. She also told me that no matter what happens, she would be just fine, that everything is gonna work out wonderfully. I just needed to know that my baby would be happy. That is all your mom wants. She is likely just about to die thinking that her beloved child is gonna be hurt, rejected and dejected. I mean, speaking as a parent, I think the poor woman is probably about to keel right over. So try to cut her some slack and love her. It is just amazingly hard right now.</p>

<p>This is also a time for you to grow up. I mean this in a good way. It would do your mom a world of good to see her child in charge of this. When my girl looked me in the eye and told me it would be okay, it was pretty convincing because I could see she knew that SHE was the one ultimately in control of her life and of her response to what is about to happen. How cool is that? Just be very strong in front of your mom. Tell her how to act so that it is very clear to her. Maybe your conversation would go like this:</p>

<p>YOU: (holding your mother’s hand and tugging her to the sofa): “Mom? I have some things I need to say and questions I need to ask. Got a sec?”</p>

<p>MOM: (suspiciously) “Okay….”</p>

<p>“You are pretty nervous about what is about to happen next week. I can tell it is killing you.”</p>

<p>“(tears) Yeah. It is.”</p>

<p>“I don’t know how it will all play out, but I can tell it will be good no matter what happens. Just know I will be just fine – and so will you. Right?”</p>

<p>“It’s just that I want this sooo much for you and —“</p>

<p>“(hugging your mom and thanking her and showing her real affection) Of course you do, and I want it too. But whether it happens or not, I am gonna be fine. I really am! And I am gonna do well in my life too. So lets just stand strong and let them hit us with their best shot. We’ll get right back up and at least act like we never took the hit. How ‘bout that? It’ll be a nice thing to try.”</p>

<p>“Might be fun!”</p>

<p>“I think it will be. We ought to go to that ice cream shop and have some ice cream afterward and make fun of the admissions committee and all the freaks they admitted over me.”</p>

<p>“But what if they ADMIT you?”</p>

<p>“Well then obviously the admissions committee knows what it’s doing then. And we’ll celebrate that!”</p>

<p>“Fantastic!”</p>

<p>“Good mom. You’re the best. I probably haven’t told that to you, but you are. So now from now on, let’s just relax. Soon, we’'ll be at the moment of truth. I know it is gonna be hard. And we’ll BOTH be nervous. But lets just stand against these creeps and see what they got. Don’t call them anymore because even if I have a chance, our calling all the time might just make ‘em mad. Let’s just sit here and wait for their shot. We’ll take their worst and then move on. Okay.”</p>

<p>“Okay.”</p>

<p>Now hopefully you get the picture. Just do it in your own way, with your own personality. But this kind of thing would likely give your mom a lot of comfort and assurance. I am not ready to claim your mom is being dysfunctional (though maybe she is. You’ll just have to judge it). In my view, she is just being slowly crushed by all this pressure and is trying with all her might to find some way to defend you. Mothers just go wild when they sense their kids in any kind of danger of anything. It just seems to me you gotta let her know that you are adult enough now that you are ready to defend her! Maybe if she sees that, she will probably gain respect for you that she has never had.</p>

<p>Of course I don’t know your mom. So none of this may even apply to her. But if she is anything like me, then it would apply very well. Use your own judgment.</p>

20

<p>I wish all parents (and students) would read Drosselmeier’s post. Really, we will all be okay, no matter what happens. Ten years from now, none of this will matter as much as what everyone has made of it.</p>

<p>The calling every day is a big no-no. Parents need to understand that their anxiety may actually tick off the people who are deciding their children’s future. Most admissions offices probably know how to deal with this, and NOT take it out on the student, but what if one - the dream school - doesn’t? </p>

<p>As a parent, I think I’ve found the application process as traumatic as my daughter has. She has had to calm me down at times. I hope I’ve done the same for her. With the odds for individual colleges as bad as they are and all the articles preying on our fears, it’s tough to be calm. But you know what? Kids still manage to get into the school that’s perfect for them in the long term. </p>

<p>I think both the OP and Drosselmeier’s daughter have the right attitude. Dream - but don’t expect. And know that no matter what happens, everything will work out. It always does.</p>