<p>Here is why I take offense to the God thing (“it was all part of God’s plan” or “everything happens for a reason”): last summer a good friend of mine committed suicide after years of abuse from her parents. She tried to turn to others for help but found nothing in the way of support from anyone other than emotional support. Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore and hung herself. I had so many people say to us (her close friends) in the weeks after that “it was all part of God’s plan” that I finally got fed up and said “WHAT?! The abuse? The suicide? THAT was part of God’s plan?!” </p>
<p>If you’re close to the person and you know that they firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, then sure, go ahead and use that. To resort to it as a default though can be hard on those of us who just can’t see how a young woman’s suicide to escape abuse is part of anyone’s plan.</p>
<p>Instead, offer support. Let them know you’re there for them in anyway. Don’t tell them that they need to buck up or that it was all part of some cosmic plan. I don’t think either of these are particularly useful.</p>
<p>Hunt, I get your point, but if a person MEANS “it could have happened to anyone,” then they should say so. “There but for the grace of god” specifically invokes a supreme being and specifically states that it was the “grace” of that being that spared someone else from the same fate. And that is precisely what many people do mean, as evidenced by how many people attribute all sorts of events to “God.”</p>
<p>A good friend (mother of 3) has a husband who has been unemployed for most of 3 years. He’s an alcoholic and she (barely) supports the family on her small salary. I do use ‘hang in there’ often with her, but what I WANT to say is “dump that loser now!!!”.</p>
<p>I also find small ways to help her financially so hopefully that makes up for my lack of more eloquent support.</p>
<p>I DO think God has a plan though - and so does she. I think that’s why she’s still there.</p>
I’m assuming she was a legal adult, so why did she stay in the abusive situation? Why could she find no help? Where did she look for help, and what agencies failed her? (I am not making any judgments, but instead trying to understand the situation.)</p>
<p>CTTC, it’s really unimportant now but she tried. There just weren’t a lot of resources for her- despite how much she tried. Extremely cash-strapped and dysfunctional county. She tried, we tried, she just felt there was no other option. We will never know for sure how much of it was clinical depression and how much was the abuse. There are lots of questions that will never be answered now, obviously.</p>
<p>It’s extremely easy for an outsider to an abuse situation to say “well why didn’t they just LEAVE?” However, once you’ve worked with abuse cycles, you’ll understand that it’s never that simple. Many children are brainwashed from a young age to believe that the abuse is normal and that they absolutely must not leave because they can’t survive on their own. There are very, very few resources for adults trying to get out of abusive family situations.</p>
<p>Why bother reading a Facebook? I am totally ancient for it as I do not even attempt, there is NOTHING there for me…and a huge benefit of NOT trying as "“Keep your chin up” expression will not bother me, if you do not read a Facebook, then you will never read ANY expressions there, appropriate or not and do not need to think about them, instead focusing on your real life events. Freedom is most of the time is…free, if you let yourself to be free.</p>
I was just trying to understand. While I am not familiar with abuse situations and cycles other than what I read about, I do know of local places where such a person could have gone for help.</p>
<p>I can tell you, from first hand experience, that unless you have been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship, you shouldn’t even wonder out loud why someone didn’t leave.</p>
<p>“There but for the grace of God go I” was one of my grandparents’ favorite expressions. It was definitely meant, and I have always taken it exactly as Hunt says, not as a literal statement of any kind. But I suppose it’s good to be reminded that there are people who feel differently.</p>
<p>CTTC, working with abuse is what I do for a living. Just having “places you can go” is a gross oversimplification. I really don’t know what else to tell you. Our shelter is ALWAYS full. Most help centers are overburdened and underfunded.</p>
<p>“but for the grace of God” doesn’t really bother me as much as “everything happens for a reason” (implying not “the laws of science” or someone’s choice, but that it was necessary in order to bring about an intended result) or “God has a plan.” (apologies to above poster.) Because, taken logically, what those are saying is that everything that happens is what’s supposed to happen. Which means a) we don’t really have free will (which seems anti-Christian as I understand it), so b) I’m not responsible for anything I do, because whatever it caused, there was a reason for it, and then c) atrocities happen for a reason. </p>
<p>I find that line of belief deeply offensive when it’s voiced to me. I give others an absolute right to hold it, but the implications are troubling in the bigger scheme of things. I worry about being the victim of that line of reasoning (again, referencing the missionary who caused my SIL’s death and had the audacity to voice that concept.)</p>
<p>With the messages of “you shouldn’t even wonder” and “I really don’t know what else to tell you,” I now see that this is a forbidden topic. I was just seeking information; not too interested in the whole issue any more, with those responses. Too bad, as you could have done some education on the whole issue.</p>
<p>Absolutely nothing could be further from the truth. I have written quite extensively on here about abuse and possible resources. I was just attempting to not hijack the thread. </p>
<p>There are very, very few resources for adult survivors of child abuse especially that are free (or even low cost in my county) and which provide support such as transportation, education, and housing. Without this basic help, it’s very difficult to leave especially in an area like mine where jobs are lacking and when you’re the child of immigrants (as she was) so you don’t have family who can take you in. </p>