Back when my oldest was in her early years of elementary school, I was completely turned off on the PTO when the slate of candidates that was presented included a woman whose oldest child was in preschool. Yep, they elected someone who didn’t even have a child at the school (but she was good friends with the President…)
Since then, I’ve been reticent to participate in any of it. I don’t pay the fee to join the athletic boosters either because they pushed for - and received - artificial turf practice fields. And a new track. And made sure more of my tax money was spent on other athletic things that I think would have been better invested in things like textbooks. Or a roof that doesn’t leak. We’re pay-to-play, so I feel like I do contribute my fair share there.
It didn’t seem to matter for my oldest. She did her own thing, flew under the radar and is a very happy college student. But now I feel like my lack of participation is possibly hurting my other two. It’s easy to notice that the children who have parents super active in the theatre boosters can get a good role in the musical even if they can’t sing. My child didn’t get a callback (again - nothing new) even though his voice is good enough that he is part of the by-audition-and-invitation-only choir that sang with a major metropolitan symphony in two concerts last year. Yep, he can sing on stage to an audience of nearly 20,000, but can’t get a singing role in the school musical. (He loves classical music and gets a thrill out of knowing people are paying good money to come to these concerts so the disappointment with the school musical is probably worse for me.)
My youngest is an athlete. I would like to believe that whether she makes the team and starts in high school (she’s in 8th grade) will be based solely on her athletic abilities, but now I’m not so sure that the kids with overly involved parents won’t be favored.
Anyone else deal with this? Any suggestions other than “suck it up and participate” you might have?
Why would the athletic boosters pay for text books with the money they raise? They are a single interest entity -sports- and that’s what they raise money for and they are going to lobby for all the funds they can get from the general budget for sports too. That’s their purpose, just like the AARP lobbies for old people and don’t really care if there is no money left over for child health care or public roads. Single focus. As a parent of a kid who had many twisted ankles practicing on a grass (ha, grass? I wish there was grass) field that was full of holes and rocks, I would have paid for her to have a turf field.
I also sewed an entire company of costumes and my child didn’t get any ‘named’ roles. And she’s good too. Drama is full of drama and full of favorites.
My child was a starter athlete but I don’t think it had anything to do with me slaving away in the concession stands (and actually missing her play many games), I think it had to do with her being good. Another parent watched the coach’s children every afternoon during practice and her daughter never saw the field because she was awful. Awful.
But don’t get involved only if you think it will help your child. Those serving in PTO or boosters should be doing it for all the kids. And like with my sewing, I think you’ll be disappointed when nothing changes.
Agree with twoin, at least in my experience. I was on the board of the band parents and my kid did not get a leadership role. I did a lot of work for the theater productions and my kid did not get the part he wanted. I did very little for my kid’s in-school sport, and he was a starter. Of course there can be favoritism - in arts, sports and everything. But usually it is based on the kid not on the parents.
I was active in the schools and in their activities because I wanted to be and wanted to give back to the students.
I would assume the woman running in your example had a kid going to the school the year she was on the board. Did you run for office? Our PTO did not always have a lot of folks volunteering to be on the board. Maybe this woman was a great find and someone who would get very involved. Or maybe you are right that it was solely because she was friends with the president that she was willing to take on the PTO board - not sure there are many benefits for elementary students.
Artificial turf fields seem to raise the ire of many. However, our are also used for gym classes and make it much easier for kids to be outside during the rainy seasons. A track is pretty essential for kids that run track and has to be upgraded every so often. I think school should include extra-curriculars like art, music and sports.
It's easy to notice that the children who have parents super active in the theatre boosters can get a good role in the musical <<<<<<
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The school must be really small (maybe private or charter?) for that to be a thing. Best not say that out loud in your kid’s hearing. It looks bad enough written down. I don’t have theater kids but the large successful competitive program in my kids public high school is the stuff of legend. You can bet parents are part of that success, it is a way of life for those people. It is your choice to opt out of the petty side of school stuff but still be helpful at the end that affects your kids. That might be as little as writing some checks, or ordering in pizza or providing a game night dinner.
I don’t go to the PTO meetings but have worked with booster clubs to help all the children. Goodness, I did things for DS’s activity and he wasn’t even there, the rascal! I don’t do cheer mom but the school is really good about feeding all the children involved in a football game. DD#2 unfortunately joined DS’s old activity so I’m trapped doing booster again for another 4 years, since they really need help.
I tended to be involved in my kids’ schools but opted out of the PTA/PTSA hierarchy, because I didn’t like all the rules and bylaws, etc. I just wanted to get things done. My kids probably got some benefit from my involvement, but who knows? I didn’t do it for that reason. I think expecting your kids to benefit is the wrong way to go about this. My kids have long since graduated high school, but today I am going to a district meeting and remain involved as a community member rather than a parent. Do it because it’s the right thing to do.
I have found (with both dance and school) that, yes, there is a bit of politics in many choices, especially the lead. But sometimes the reasoning behind the choice is not evident. I’ve been on both sides of this. The thing is, when parents are overly involved, it’s usually a good sign that you can depend on that child showing up for all of the practices and commitments. I’ve been the one in charge, and there are definitely parents who you can depend on and parents you can’t. I’m not saying that some kids don’t get prime roles because their parents are slackers, just that some kids get roles because their parents are known for getting the job done.
Also, when it comes to theatre, I can tell you many stories about how someone didn’t get the part because they were too tall/too short, too heavy/too thin, too blonde/too brunette, too expressive/not expressive enough, etc. I call them the “last man standing” roles … sit down if you’re taller than 5’2", sit down if you’re blonde, sit down if you have more than 14 freckles … until there is one (or however many are needed). My youngest, whose singing voice is OK but definitely not Broadway bound, got the lead in her elementary musical because she was the only one auditioning who wasn’t terrified to project and perform. “We don’t know what she’s going to do, but we know she will perform” was what I was told.
Here’s how I handle it with my children. I tell them there will be roles they deserve that they won’t get and there will be roles they get that deservedly belong to someone else. Life is not fair … get over it and move on.
As far as participation, I actually let my girls take the lead. My oldest liked having me volunteer at school - it made her feel important. My youngest has never wanted me around and if I did volunteer, it needed to be for a group or class that wasn’t hers.
Devils advocate here - A friend of the current PTO president may have been “recruited” into the position by the current president as someone they could mentor and whose involvement would last more than a year or two. I have been recruited for fundraising positions well before my kids were in high school for the same reason, and also recruited people to take over before I left. As far as athletics, I think it will depend a lot on the coach. We were hugely supportive (financially and in leadership roles) for my sons athletics and he rode the bench. Total opposite for my daughter whose coach looks at who will be the best for the team and asks for very little parent involvement but requires equal effort from all of us. Coaches also, to a degree, give more playing time to the athletes who say they want to play in college. Anyhow - that’s been the experience in my kids school.
Do it because it is the right thing to do and not to curry favor and keep that as your motto.
I was very involved but got dragged into it when others wouldn’t step up. I was happiest doing hands on jobs like helping to teach kids multiplication or working concessions, but if no one volunteered to be in charge of a big, bureaucratic job, I would do it.
Did my involvement help my kids? Probably in small ways. The less athletic son didn’t make varsity when I was on the booster club board, but the rebellious son didn’t get sent home when he broke various rules relating to dress and going off campus. He got warnings instead. I think the kids got the benefit of the doubt in some circumstances.
“Why would the athletic boosters pay for text books with the money they raise?”
I don’t begrudge them raising money for athletic purposes. I don’t like how they’ve become a large and powerful lobbying group who is able to get the school board to spend money on athletic upgrades for the high school when the roof is leaking and there isn’t even air conditioning in the gym at the junior high. While the coaches know who is running the boosters, I have no idea whether they even know which parents have joined or not. The experience with theatre has turned negative that I’m probably needlessly projecting the fear onto athletics for my youngest.
My daughter did musical theatre and never wanted more than an ensemble role but was actually the one who pointed out the relationship between parent volunteer/involvement and supporting roles. It didn’t used to be this way, but the departure of a beloved drama teacher 5 years ago changed things dramatically (pun intended). The lead roles still go to very talented students, but the number of students participating - and number of really talented students participating - has gone down, along with the quality of shows. Five years ago the show was “Wow.” and last year it was “meh.”
“I would assume the woman running in your example had a kid going to the school the year she was on the board. Did you run for office?”
Not at the time her term started. I actually wanted to get involved at that point. But there was no “running for office” or even volunteering to get in a position. The current board selected the slate of candidates for the following year and your only vote was “yay” or “nay” for the entire slate. They would turn away people who wanted to help, and then in the same breath complain that they have to do all the work themselves. I was co-room mom for 1st grade and was told I had to follow the PTO board’s plans to the letter including being told what our class’ raffle basket theme was for the school carnival. It got so bad that by 2nd grade almost every parent showed up for my DD’s class end of year lunch/picnic but not a single one - including the room parents - would stay to help out with the end of year party that immediately followed. Not a surprise - one of the elementary PTO presidents is still running the show in high school!
I wouldn’t be in it for the right reason, so I think I’m just going to stay out. I’m involved in other things in the community (including local governement ironically enough), but just can’t stand the atmosphere of these things at the school. I think I’ll just continue to encourage my children to seek other opportunities, which is what we’ve been doing. DS found this choir after getting rejected for the school a capella group (only kids taking choir make it, but he didn’t know this at the time and had dropped choir to make room for other classes). DD got on a higher level club team than we expected by not trying out for the same teams as everyone else. In the end, they’re learning that if at first you don’t succeed, try again at something slightly different.
I think you should be on the PTO because you care about the leaking roof and honestly, there is no Leaking Roof lobbying group (although I think that is probably a district issue and not a school issue).
All through school starting in 7th grade I had to sell ‘Band Candy.’ It wasn’t really ‘band’ candy, it was music department candy for the 2 junior highs and high school and everyone called it Band Candy because the band always benefited the most. Never did the orchestras get any money. The band traveled to a parade, the choir got new robes, the band got music, etc etc. Never the orchestra. And yet I had to sell that damned candy. Life is so unfair.
This is the harsh reality of a lot of school districts, especially the smaller, cliquey ones. It’s a bummer, but you can find ways to make a difference. I’m not a political person, and wanted nothing to do with the back-stabby parents who ran the show at my kids’ elementary and middle schools. So I found useful ways to volunteer–working in the art program, tracking bus passes via our convoluted system, serving at de-stress days at the middle school. I was a very good worker bee. When they needed volunteers to paint the halls, I showed up. When the auction rolled around every two years, I donated stuff and served on a low-level committee, then bought stuff at the auction.
I was surprised to be chosen as a room parent for my son’s class several years in a row because I was not popular. I then figured out it was because my son had a life-threatening peanut allergy, and the queen bee who ran the room mother program was also a food allergy mom who assumed I’d want to control the food at parties. That job really sucked because I was a lightning rod for every discontented parent who had a beef with the teacher or other parents, but I think I did a good job keeping the peace and not poisoning children at parties.
I was involved in PTOs at every school my kids attended. They liked a reinforced tie-in between school and home and were happy when one or both of us (DH and I) volunteered. Most of the time it was just get-things-done with a group of conscientious parents. Requests for funding were measured against whether the overall student body would benefit.
I ended up PTO president at the high school because nobody else was able to do it. By then, parent groups for specific sports and activities took so much energy that it was hard for people to get to a more general, admittedly dry, business meeting. We had 2,000 students, and the meetings usually consisted of four parents and the principal. Very little politics there.
The one time I remember a cliquey situation was during a grade 3-5 book fair. The mom coordinating it chose her friends, and only her friends, to participate. This was a really popular event that a lot of people wanted to work, but they were shut out. When she ran for president and I was asked my opinion, I based my misgivings on the way she managed the book fair. She lost that election (and no, not just due to me, a lot of people had concerns about her).
It was nice to see the contrast at the middle school, when the list of book fair volunteers was sent to me and one of the names had a note next to it: “the only event this parent has signed up for.” We called her for a shift. We also tried to call new names for this and other things so everyone who wanted to got a chance to get in there. If we went with the same people, it was because they were the ones who said yes after we’d tried others.
Once during high school I was logging the volunteer sign-up forms at the start of the year. A mom submitted a form with no boxes checked and a note that she’d signed up for things the year before and never got a single call, with a sarcastic “I’m glad you have all the help you need.” And ouch, because I’d had the forms that year too. I checked and didn’t have one from her, sent a really apologetic email, and got a nice note back. So even though we tried, the impression of exclusion was definitely out there.
It got less cliquey in PTA/PTO in the later grades at our school. Parents got more interested in the niche activities and there wasn’t as much interest in groups that helped the whole school. I admit I always felt like the odd girl out even when I had insider jobs. Some moms were just in it to say they were in it—kind of like kids that just sign up to build their resumes.
Volunteer because you want to do so, not because of a possible advantage for your kids. My daughter was very involved in the drama club in high school and this is what I observed. The drama teachers who were casting parts were looking for kids who they believed would be a good fit for a certain role. There are millions of reasons why someone gets a part and another person doesn’t. Having a parent who volunteers is fairly low on the list of reasons someone gets a part in the school production. Casting is always subjective, both in school productions and in the real world too.
@twoinanddone " The band traveled to a parade, the choir got new robes, the band got music, etc etc. Never the orchestra. And yet I had to sell that damned candy." Why couldn’t the orchestra parents initiate a change? Did the school support the orchestra in a satisfactory way?
I didn’t have much use for PTA after elementary school (I was a school volunteer, PTA committee chair). I was disgusted when a middle school didn’t seem to want to do anything when a school staffer was (probably) stealing money from the PTA. That was the end of my interest in PTA. In high school, just as many have already said, I volunteered for the sports/activities my kids were involved in. I don’t see much use for the PTA at the high school level, other than that they handled the after-graduation all-night parties. A lot of PTA involvement at the school leadership level was doing unimportant things to mark checkboxes to get to a certain level of PTA distinction.
I was involved in the PTA because I cared about all the students. I helped with Reading is Fundamental and eventually ran it - through our distributions every child got four books of their own choosing to own each year. I also was involved in the Learning Garden and ran that one year. I worked on the year book the two years my kids were graduating. I was PTA president for two years (we had term limits and a system of overlapping co-presidents that meant one president learned the job and subbed while the other did most of the heavy lifting.) While I was president one of the things I did was lobby to get the science fair to have a clear rubric and to make it possible for kids to get free boards and mentoring help at school so that if you didn’t have involved parents you could still do a projects.
I don’t think my kids got any favoritism perks from my work - though the powers that be were aware of who they were.