I wrote in another thread that my Dad suffered a severe stroke while visiting me for Thanksgiving. It has been a huge blow, because this 82 year old man looked 70, traveled the world, took pride in his physical and mental vitality, was an avid dancer and seeker of social interaction, and the most energetic person I have ever known.
Dad had re-done his estate planning after my stepmother died a couple of years ago. He did some great things: he cleared out his entire house and got rid of all but only a few essentials that he moved with him when he bought into a wonderful retirement community in another part of the state. He said this was his gift to us, his children. After reading about other CCers’ nightmares clearing out their debilitated or deceased parents’ homes, with decades of clutter or even just normal accumulation of junk, I felt very grateful for my Dad’s thoughtfulness. He assigned me as his POA and stated in his directions that he did not need to be declared incompetent in order for me to utilize the POA. That has certainly been a blessing during the past weeks; I just turn in the document to the appropriate entities and don’t have to mess with getting multiple doctors to agree that he cannot handle his affairs. He set up all of his retirement pensions to be automatically deposited (as retired military and an employee vested in several companies, he has great retirement annuities). He also set up his RMDs to be automatically distributed every quarter to his bank account. Big help.
What he did not do that has been an incredible stress:
As someone who conducts most of his affairs electronically, he didn’t record his passwords correctly. Some are explicitly written down in a password journal, but many are invalid. He probably changed them at some point, but didn’t think to change them in the journal. Other passwords are clearly incomplete and contain some kind of hint that only he would understand. Of course, now he cannot remember any of them. I’m lucky he has his email account on his phone. It took us several weeks to figure out the code to his phone and ipad, but his lady friend finally figured them out in a brilliant fashion that I NEVER would have thought of. Slowly but surely, I’m getting into his various accounts. Some I’m still locked out of because you only get so many attempts at guessing the password, or even if you try the “I forgot my username or password” tactic, there is another layer of security with certain security questions. I don’t know the name of his first pet, first concert, “the city he would most like to visit;” after researching where his father was born, I answered that security question, only to find out that Dad either purposely changed the city or didn’t actually know the correct answer. There are some very important web sites related to his military retirement benefits and insurance stuff that I’m locked out of and will have to jump through hoops to gain access to.
This situation has created so much stress for me. My siblings live in different states, so I’m the one dealing with the majority of my Dad’s issues. The administrative/financial maze is just one huge headache on top of my emotional pain and all of the other details involved in getting my Dad care, the various transfers to different facilities as his recovery progresses,etc. I just got home after spending 25 days by my Dad’s bedside. He lives in a different city than I and he chose that retirement community specifically because it has stepped up care from independent to assisted to rehab to full on nursing home and memory care. He loves it there, so I couldn’t in good conscience move him for my own convenience. But it was very hard for me to leave him there alone. Thank God he has a “girlfriend” who can provide him with some companionship, but at the end of the day, she is not “responsible.” I’ll be making the 5 hour drive to see him once a week for the foreseeable future.
As you contemplate your mortality and make plans for how your family will step up for you when you are ill or gone, PLEASE attend to this aspect of your affairs. Keep your password banks up to date, have a complete list of your assets, bank account numbers, investments and where they are located, a list of your monthly or yearly bills, etc. My Dad thought he had set things up well, but he did not leave me with a clear road map of his finances and other administrative affairs, and this has been a nightmare to resolve. I think there may still be some stuff “out there somewhere”; but it’s taking much more time to nail down than if he had prepared some kind of spreadsheet or something. This wouldn’t have been a huge undertaking for him, but my Dad was so healthy, he thought he had at least 10 more years of good health. I didn’t corner him about it because I thought he had everything gathered together for me in his office at his apartment (10 years ago, he kept everything in a safe deposit box that I was given access to, a box that he closed when he moved and established a heavy internet presence). He is very meticulous with his finances, but by not leaving me with a good road map of his assets, bills, and other affairs, it has created much unnecessary angst. If he wasn’t so internet savvy and instead did everything by mail, this would have been so much easier to wade through, but unfortunately that hasn’t been the case.
Take care of these things so your kids don’t have to!