Please Critique my Admissions personal statement and GPA stats

Transfer Students UC Transfers
1

Good afternoon mates, my name is Richard and i’m going to be applying this fall to UCLA school of nursing as a Junior transfer. My question today is, how do you think my chances are of getting accepted into this elite program? Bellow i will provide some stats of mine.

Ive been working as an EMT for 4 years and have over 3000 hours in the field

Currently have 60+ semester units of college course work completed
-Anatomy Physiology 1&2 completed (A,B)
-Chemistry 101 & 102 completed (A,B)
-Biochemistry completed (A)
-Microbiology Completed (A)
-Biology 101 & 102 completed (A,A)
-Physics 101 & 102 completed (B,B)
-Organic Chemistry 201 & 202 completed (B,A)
-Sociology completed (A)
-Psychology 101 and developmental PSY Completed (A,A)
-Writing series completed (A,A)
-Spanish In progress (NI)
-Humanities in progress (NI)

  • Algebra in progress (NI)

What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed and describe any experience you have had in the field — such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities — and what you have gained from your involvement. *Tip: If you haven’t had experience in the field, consider including experience in the classroom. This may include working with faculty or doing research projects.

My desired major is Nursing Science, which i will be applying to the University of California Los Angeles (UCLA) for the fall 2016 cohort. If i do not succeed in acceptance into this program a degree in cellular biology would be my aspiration. I have taken over 50 units in the disciplines of biology, chemistry and physics in which I’m averaging a 3.64 GPA. I work as a Paramedic in Los Angeles County in a cardiac rehabilitation center. In the process of becoming a paramedic countless hours were spent perfecting my skills in emergency medicine, learning advanced cardiac life support, and performing detailed patient assessments. These learning outcomes were achieved through rigorous lectures, interactive presentations, skills labs, and simulations. My current job title is as a Cardiopulmonary Hemodynamic Technician, this specialty occupation is performed by intently monitor patients and work alongside the supervising cardiologist to help aid patient recovery whom just suffered cardiomyopathy(heart attack) and cerebrovascular accidents(stroke). I’m choosing a degree in Nursing because I want to further my aptitude in medicine and apply my expertise to heal humankind, one patient at a time, by improving health, alleviate suffering, and deliver acts of kindness.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My love for medicine developed in 5th grade after my mother was diagnosed with stage four liver cancer. I attended many doctor’s appointments with her and sat with her during chemotherapy. I watched the nurses taking my mom’s blood pressure, and I listened to the doctors talk about what could possibly be done to save my mom’s life. That life-saving potential has always been exciting to me. My mom encouraged me to pursue a career in medicine.
When I was a junior in high school I lost my mother to her battle with cancer, after a long and painful struggle. Death has been a consistent part of my life and has made me feel comfortable working with the sickest among us. The personal quality I discovered in the midst of the stress of my mom’s treatment and subsequent death was that my positivity and vivaciousness bring joy to people, especially those with health struggles.
After high school I became a paramedic to get more experience being of service to the critically ill and wounded. In paramedic school I observed on ambulances and in the UCI trauma center where I saw gunshot wounds, cardiac arrests, and diabetic comas. These experiences were graphic and sometimes scary, but it only made me want to further my medical knowledge more. I became a board certified paramedic and now I assist in the rehabilitation of cardiology patients.
My mother always said that I could light up the darkest room. Through my life and the beginnings of my medical career I have always been able to empathize with people in distress. I have always been that person that people look to for comfort and support, which started with my mom. In nursing school I hope to continue this path of service, kindness, and support for those that need my help the most.

2

Hi Richard,

I don’t know if you’ll be able to make it, but UCLA is hosting a transfer information session next Thursday, where Undergraduate Admissions officers will be present to look over your application and personal statement and give you feedback. I went to one earlier in the month and it proved to be tremendously helpful! Also, if you have the contact information for your CC’s UCLA rep, you could likely e-mail them your PS and get feedback! The rep for my CC was super responsive and helpful!

3

If thats your personal statement I would remove it. Its not safe to have your personal statement read by everyone.

4

@RichardEmt34 yes, you shouldn’t have put them up, but too late now.

I would take the following line out as it’s already obvious from your course list and accompanying GPA. (They don’t like you to repeat stuff they already know.)

–> “I have taken over 50 units in the disciplines of biology, chemistry and physics in which I’m averaging a 3.64 GPA.”

Otherwise they’re both very good.

5

yea, now that i think about it… I shouldn’t have posted it haha. Oh welllll…

6

I feel the urge to make each prompt question longer, I know they give 1,000 MAX but im not writing a dissertation so I feel the admissions officers would appreciate a short, high quality, precise essay. My character count is far bellow 1000, but i feel i hooked the reader and answered all the questions asked in an effective manner.

On my essay about an experience in my life, I could elaborate greater on my experiences, would you suggest me to add more?

7

Yes maybe elaborate a bit if you still have room.

8

I would find a way to make the first essay as unique and personal as the second. The first currently reads like a resume and the majority of the information either is or should be listed elsewhere in the application. (Work experience, ECs, major information, etc.)

Each personal statement should make all of the things that were listen prior more personal. Focus on the experiences or positions that you can make personal and talk about how it lit a fire in you to want to study health. In the second essay, there is a voice. In the first, there is honestly only a list details.

9

from my understanding, the first needs to be about the present and the second needs to be more of where you’ve been

10

If you have additional words you can use, find a way to use them. You’re right, it’s not a dissertation, but we’re also talking about just 1,000 words split between two essays.

I think your first essay is a bit weak, and I too feel it reads too much like a resume. They’ll already have your grades, your course load and why types of classes you took, and they’ll also see how long you’ve worked at certain jobs. I would say you’re wasting words on things they’ll already know but since you have a surplus of words I guess that’s not the case, but I would look back into this.

Also, I would remove “If i do not succeed in acceptance into this program a degree in cellular biology would be my aspiration.” It doesn’t show a lack of confidence, but it just seems unnecessary.

See if there are any workshops on your CCC campus or any happening on the UC campus you can get into and have them read,

They aren’t bad but I think the first one needs some of the energy found in the second essay. They also need some serious editing.

11

Let me put this another way. In the first, the first sentence repeats the obvious, the second includes negative wording. At that point, you have undercut yourself.

Second writing: they don’t need to know about something in 5th grade and that your 10 year old interest developed from accompanying, watching (and seeing just a tip of what the responsibilities are. It sets a tone that you don’t know what nursing is really about or the strengths needed, including the interpersonal.) Sorry about your loss and for my bluntness. But the paramedic experience could show them more about your commitment and how you make a difference, what that means to you. Even that needs to be reworded. It all sounds detached. “Show, not just tell.”

12

I absolutely disagree about adding fifth grade. It was a defining moment that spurred your passion. I see similar references like that made all the time. That’s a very powerful moment in your life that had repercussions. And it presents a very powerful image.

Follow @briank82’s advice. :slight_smile:

13

It’s not what will get you admitted. Lots and lots of kids trace their medical interest back to something and it says zip about how one is prepared today, why they should admit you, how you understand the field, have worked toward it, will take on the challenges and deal with them well. And this is for a highly competitive college. You don’t get in on the basis of the defining moment (or the dream or how much you claim you really, really want to be X,) but what you did with that desire.

Sure, you can mention it, but at the right point and to the right degree. They will look at OP as a potential transfer and, they hope, successful grad. Not as a 5th grader. Again, show, not just tell.

14

You’re overthinking these personal statements.

15

Often, one “should” be thinking further than what would work in another context, for the hs teacher, friends or a school paper. This is for admissions. OP will make his best decision, I’m sure. My advice comes from experience.

16

I got locked out from above. So…

I have seen kids write about (1) a major they later changed. Their new major listed in the application was diametrically-opposed to the one they wrote about and they got into UCLA and Berkeley. (2) I have seen essays sloppily written the night before, recycled from a high school assignment and they got into Berkeley. (3) I have seen essays going on and on about wanting Berkeley and they got into UCLA. (4) Last year a transfer student wrote her PS on the freshman prompt - not the transfer prompt - and got into Berkeley.

This is not in any manner meant to imply one should do a lousy job or not try to write their best essay. However, the UCs themselves say they are not interested in writing style, they want to get a sense of the applicant. They also say not to stress over the PS and people are putting too much weight on it. Unfortunately, it’s become big business. That’s one thing I liked about these essays. It was clearly written by a student. Totally polished essays are becoming suspect. A little less polish is often better.

Heck, four of the UCs don’t even read the PS as part of the transfer application! (It was five until last year, and at various counselors’ seminars two years back, of those four who read them, it was announced only UCLA and Berkeley really read them.)

Private schools have a different process. But I stick by my guns. I read essays for Berkeley alumni, I have helped tons of students, and over the years I’ve picked up one big thing: people stress too much about these UC essays (unless it’s Haas, or you’re clearly borderline).

I personally urge the OP to keep the reference in about his mom because it’s the lynchpin that brings in the beginnings of his interest. He’s not going to lose out because he wrote that. Or he wrote it at the wrong place. Are you being serious? You actually said he could lose out because he didn’t write it in the right place. Now, I will agree with the others saying the first essay tends to read a bit like a resume, but I personally feel it’s no deal breaker and I felt I understood the applicant and I think he has stellar attributes. However, if he wishes to work on that it makes sense.

So we just need to agree to disagree.

And BTW, the UCs repeatedly say you never lose admission due to a PS. They never ever have a negative effect. They are neutral or boost a borderline. It sounds like maybe your experience is not uc transfer students. It’s not the same as private or common app.

17

Oh, I didn’t say he “could lose out because he didn’t write it in the right place.” Rather, use it “at the right point and to the right degree.” There’s a difference.

Many are touched by a personal backstory they might hear. Admissions, however, isn’t based on empathy. They like to build confidence in the applicant, his understanding, judgment, and prep. His readiness.

OP, you need to consider the advice and how you feel you can best structure this. You can think about the options that serve you best.

18

Well, considering a UC rep just told another transfer applicant yesterday to add more hardship or any adverse life experience to PS (I have the pm), and considering transfer applicants are encouraged openly to note hardship or adverse life experiences, I leave it at that. I worry that people not totally aware of the UC transfer essay process, which is very different from common app, and even UC freshman applications, etc. may lead an applicant astray. That’s what’s wrong with posting essays online (besides the stealing aspect of it). His mom’s death is very very relevant to his life experience and what directly led him to where he is. Focusing on minutiae (first it shouldn’t be in, then it’s in the wrong place) sends the wrong message to kids and has a harming affect, making them constantly feel inadequate.

This IS minutiae you are nail-chewing over. Really, this is why I don’t venture into PS territory online much, even though I’m a writer. :((

It ain’t rocket science. It simply isn’t.

:slight_smile:

19

Sigh.

In life, you can take the attitude that it isn’t rocket science, that the hardest luck stories get one the furthest, that it doesn’t matter, that some other schools don’t read it, that one rep said one thing to one applicant, on and on. Or OP can decide to think how to best show himself for his own goals. Eyes wide open. That’s all I have to say unless OP comes back with a question.

20

Honestly, I think that the most helpful advice that I’ve heard thus far about my PS (which I’ve gotten very positive feedback on) is to act as though it is your interview. Are these things that you would actually say to another person if they were interviewing you or would you like to elaborate on something else? Would you be more straightforward, or would you show a bit more emotion?

I, personally, find it much more difficult to write about myself. It is much easier for me to talk about myself, but I had to figure out a way to find a balance. You want to talk about your accomplishments and make a big deal about yourself! What makes you, as a person, stand out from everyone else? Our résumés can only say so much! (Something I learned the hard way when applying for jobs…)