Please help me with my application essay

<p>Could anyone please help me with my essay???? it's a little too long, too wordy, i have been working on it for a while now and it still sounds crap!!!!
I am no good with English, could someone plz help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLease, I really need some help. Any suggestion is good .

<p>Often I find myself in our Honda alone, in a parking lot in front of a bookstore. Why you ask, well, I am always waiting for my parents in this prison. My parents invite me to go in to the bookstore with them, but I refuse, and the result would be me trapped in the car by myself watching the snow pile up outside the car or in the summer, being roasted alive.
My dad is a computer programer, he goes to bookstores regularly to read about all the trendy computer books in order to stay with the new software used at work. Every time he went, he always invite me to go with him and suggested that I should read the varieties of books. I tried to get out of it whenever I could, just the thought of walking into a bookstore made me nauseous.
While I was in China, I had a much different experience with books as I did in Canada. I had a good command of the Chinese language, and read extensively. I was always ranked top in school averaging over 95% throughout 8 subjects, I had even published some of my essays in the kids section of the newspaper. However, since I stepped in to Canada in year of 1999, where I became a total foreigner who didn’t speak a word of English, my life style changed. My parents encouraged me to watch television and play with the other kids to help me learn English. I watched television for hours on end everyday, and soon I had become the moving television guide for all 53 channels we had. Gradually, my ability to communicate in English improved, however, my initiatives to do better in my academics fell to an all time low.
In my tenth grade, My English ability wasn’t nearly good enough to read a book that an ‘A’ student is capable of reading, even though I was well above average in most of my classes. My complacency lead to my nonchalance about being able to read more difficult book. When the school coerced me to read books for novel studies, I always selected the easiest and most of all thinnest book you could find, disregarding its contents.
Sometimes, on weekends, my mom would try to make a deal with me by saying “if you read, you won’t have to sweep the suite and wash the toilet”. What a great deal that was, however, at the time, I hated reading so much, I’d rather do the dirty chores. I would take on that deal anytime nowadays..
It wasn’t until the summer of tenth grade, I found the joy of reading serendipitously at a place where books are only used to improve build orders, or game strategy. It was found in a computer game called WarCraft III Once I started playing the game, I just couldn’t let go, I was so captured by the graphics and the characters in the game. I told my mother that I had to have that game. My mother, cunning as usual made a deal with me, “if you could finish reading a book of at least 600 pages in 2 weeks I will get you the game”. Although I hated books, I wanted the game desperately. I had to make a decision, little did I know, this decision was going to change my life from that moment on. I took on her deal and I thought if I chose a small sized book with big fonts, I’ll be done very soon.
The next day, I ‘willingly’ walked into the Indigo book store. As I pushed the thick glass door open and stepped into the store, the smell of books made me nauseous. I headed straight for the fiction section thinking that if I could get a short book quickly, I’d be out of there in no time. The very first book I picked up, The Traitor by Guy Walker had a white cover that caught my attention, it was a small sized book with big font. I ran my fingers though the 620 page book and decided I was going to get this over with as quickly as I could.
At first when I started, the book was just like most of the other books I stop reading a quarter of the way through. It was very BORING. I wanted to give up after the first 50 pages, but then, I wanted to have the game. I even ignored the television and my Playstation2, so I could finish it sooner. Then, when I got to the 80th page, I began to like the book, because the story just appeared more coherent, I start to understand better. After the 120th page, I couldn’t even put the book down, I was curious about what captain Lockheart had to do to stay alive in Nazi Germany. When I wasn’t reading, I was thinking of what the British captain would do to get out of some of the dilemmas. I even forgot about the television, and embarrassingly, I took it into the bathroom when nature called. Even on weekend, in the morning on a normal day I would wake up to watch YTV but that weekend was different, I woke up and started another day of adventure in Germany as Captain Lockheart.
My mom was inundated by my dedication and my determination to finish the book. I finished the book in 12 days, when my mom handed me her side of the deal, I had realized that sadly my adventure in the world of the Captain had come to an end. I realized that if you have the will to accomplish a goal, it would not be as difficult or as painful as you’d think. Now, instead of wasting my time away on the couch watching television, I have set my short term goal and long term goal for myself that I am trying to achieve.</p>

<p>Hmmm. Watch out for tense disagreements and also you have waaaay to many commas. Try to shorten it too, because as far as I know most colleges require an essay of about 500 words.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>Newby, I'd like to make some comments about your essay.
First of all, I think that you can produce a nice piece of writing, but you should rewrite a lot. I believe that the essence of your essay is the passion that you developed for reading. However, I learn more about the nausea you feel when you go into a bookstore, and your predilection for pc games than about your motives to read more. Tell your readers how your attitude toward reading changed. Did you come to like reading just for the sake of a computer game? How do you consider your previous aversion to literature?
Then, cut the unnecessary and repetitious material in your work. I am sure you can express your ideas more clearly and briefly.
I think that you have overemphasized your 'hatred' towards reading, and I you leave little space for explaining the change you experienced. Doing this, you leave a slightly negative impression in your readers.
In the concluding paragraph you claim that reading the mentioned book was like accomplishing a goal. Honestly speaking, I do not consider reading a book such an outstanding feat. I am sorry for that statement, but this is the way I interpreted it.
I am certain that if you work on that essay, it would be fine. First, cut the length. Then, make a nice transition from the boredom you associated reading with to the eventual pleasure you felt about literature. Do not state that you changed your attitude overnight.
I'd be glad to help you. So, revise this piece and keep me in touch.
I hope I was of help.

<p>just use simple words if ur english isnt that good. many of ur sentences/phrases are awkward
"My complacency lead to my nonchalance about being able to read more difficult book."
"I found the joy of reading serendipitously"
"My mom was inundated by my dedication and my determination"
"get out of some of the dilemmas"
and dont capitalise "BORING"</p>