<p>I don’t get the logic, why does the parent have to give up food?</p>
<p>I don’t understand how that would work, mini? But as is often the case, you have offered an idea that no one else has. Food for thought. I get the part about misjudging the responsibilities a child is ready for, but not sure how fasting would change that – clears the head? Makes one more perceptive to what is going on around him/her?</p>
<p>If I fasted for 12 days, by the end I would have a hard time remembering my name, much less why I was doing it. Maybe that would be a good thing…</p>
<p>All the above ‘horror stories’/serious infractions, etc. just reinforce how ‘happy’ I am that I’ve not been in the position to loan any car to any teen, including my own - nor have they even yet had the opportunity to learn to drive. This is no judgment on the many of you who have encouraged or allowed your own to drive, but this is more I guess related to State laws: I think driving a motor vehicle is an adult responsibility, actually. I didn’t learn to drive until I graduated from college, and (perhaps because of it?) I was never in the least bit irresponsible or reckless, such as some of the ways mentioned above. I don’t think all teens are immature behind the wheel, but I think that more than half of them are more susceptible to immaturity (including the inability to resist peer pressure) than to responsibility.</p>
<p>I must admit, though, that the 2-page letter of apology tugged at me. The punishment I would use would be driving for family needs only (or to relieve the family from driving) – since she has affected the family by her actions. I don’t like mini’s suggestion about revoking the license, because that gives the driver a “bad” driving record, should they need to apply for a job requesting “good driving record.” There may be insurance-rate consequences, too, to that – further affecting family negatively. I would prolong independent driving (perhaps past the legal allowance), as a way to sink in the message that independence is earned.</p>
<p>Sly, I find that many parents won’t hold firm on driving rules becuase they can’t or won’t drive the kid where they need to go. Drives me nuts and my kids have a list of who they CAN drive with.</p>
<p>“I don’t get the logic, why does the parent have to give up food?”</p>
<p>To recenter into a “right relationship”. It has been used as a technique in Asian societies for thousands of years. The daughter will understand the gravity of the offense; the parent will acknowledge her part in a relationship threatened through lack of trust.</p>
<p>The question I was asked was “how does one make an impression on a 16-year-old?” Well, I’ve offered one, and one that does not depend on “punishments” or “unnatural consequences”, which fail more often than not. And it will make an impression.</p>
<p>“If I fasted for 12 days, by the end I would have a hard time remembering my name, much less why I was doing it. Maybe that would be a good thing…”</p>
<p>You might be “svelte”, energized, clearheaded, and ready to build an even stronger relationship with your kids.</p>
<p>Asians are known for their great driving. Maybe they should all fast until they can drive better.</p>
<p>The svelte part is enough for me…I’ll give it a try next time.</p>
<p>When my son got his license at 16, he was told by DMV that he can’t drive any passenger (except his own siblings) who is younger than 21 for the next 6 months. He also can’t drive from midnight to 5 AM except for going to work, school, and school related activities. That one lasts for a year. However hee did notice his classmates driving other classmates around although their 6 months wasn’t up yet. He was wondering why the parents of those kids would allow illegal driving. His best friend drove another friend who was 16. His parents know about it and gave permission to do so. We did talk about the legal and safety aspects of it.</p>
<p>Actually, it works great for oxcarts.</p>
<p>If I have to fast for 12 days I think my kid may have to drive me somwhere.:)</p>
<p>On the subject of teens driving, I drove when I was 17 with a brand new car from my own money that I earned from working. No accident ever. But I was a slow driver and I’m still am.
BTW,when my D was younger, my H&I got her a red jeep toy that she can practice to drive, I think that helps with her driving now.</p>
<p>I’m glad it’s the adult who fasts (but I have to admit my western mind can’t wrap itself around that concept yet). To recommend fasting for an active, still growing teenager does not seem like a good idea to me, to say nothing about the eating disorders that may unindentionally arise from associating food (or lack there of) with punishment or parental/child discord. Food is fuel, especially for growing, maturing kids.</p>
<p>I’m going to have to comtemplate the thought of giving up chocolate (gasp) if my kid screws up. Not likely. This is what I like about CC - rocks you out of thinking you have the only way.</p>
<p>When I was 15 and learning to drive with my learner’s permit, I either didn’t remember or didn’t pay attention (from studying the drivers manual) that I was only supposed to be practice driving with someone over 21. My friend was 17 and he taught me to drive a stickshift. We drove for hours and hours all over town. We had my parents blessing; they weren’t aware that I was supposed to be with someone older. It wasn’t until a year or so later that we all realized I had been taught to drive under illegal conditions.</p>
<p>If the OP’s daughter broke the law of the land - then the consequences should abide by those laws as well.</p>
<p>In MA - this gal would have had a 60 day suspension and $100 fine for the first offense - if caught by the police - so loosing the right to drive - enforced by the parents - would be appropriate.</p>
<p>Parents as well as teen drivers - need to be ‘up’ on the laws of the land - and apply them accordingly if the teen driver choses to use poor judgement. There are reasons for these laws and there are reasons for teens to learn to respect them for what they are as well. Part of being a young adult - and being ‘responsible’.</p>
<p>There is no excuse in the world for a teen to break these laws that they deem to be silly - and don’t apply to them etc… they need to steel themselves against peer pressure and to abide by the laws - to protect themselves and others around them as well.</p>
<p>Merrymom, will you be my mom? I’m assuming proper boy behavior includes just about anything .</p>
<p>Sure Collegekid! Send me your resume. Before the adoption, however, you may want to interview my children. They will tell you I am very strict.</p>
<p>Please stay strict. The rest of us out here want to hang onto our lives. I’ve spent the last 30 years coping with the results of a car accident caused by one careless, thoughtless driver who swung wide coming around a bend, causing two cars to have to get off the road out of his way, and they collided into each other. The careless one drove away from the collision, evident in his rear-view mirror. That’s the kind of attitude you spawn when you don’t react to a priveleged attitude about driving responsibly. </p>
<p>Two major surgeries, years of physical therapy, much residual pain – all from another person’s lane-weaving followed by driving away from it all. The driver wasn’t drunk, I believe based on the kind of vehicle and time of day… but he was arrogant. Had a snowplow on the front of his truck and was doing important work plowing people out. He was So Important and in a hurry. These are attitudes. There ARE consequences to every choice when on the road.</p>
<p>Stay strict, especially as your daughter begins her career as a driver. YOu are right, as a Mom, to seek counsel for an appropriate consequence now, and I hope others’ advice is proving helpful to you. I’m sure you’ll make a wise decision.</p>
<p>Paying3tuitions - My sincerest sympathies for your pain and suffering.</p>
<p>It seems you have not read all my posts closely to be making such comments, but that is one of the problems with posting on bulletin boards.</p>
<p>My husband, an excellent driver, personally taught all our children to drive, and still advises them. They have never been in a serious accident and are aware of the consequences.</p>
<p>Being overly punitive, just like torture, does not obtain appropriate results. The human brain does not develop fully until 25. Ideally, the driving age should be raised. Children, who are supposed to make mistakes, deserve to be forgiven for minor infractions.</p>
<p>Actually I meant to be addressing the OP, who asked for any input, commiseration and advice on appropriate punishment. I think attitudes are formed long before age 25, and was trying to get at that aspect. </p>
<p>I re-read your posts carefully just now, but you know…I am more aligned today with Marite on this. It’s hard for me to relate, frankly, to your series of posts. You wrote that your sons have several fender benders and speeding tickets, but then later posts, “they have never been in a serious accident and are aware of the consequences.” Admittedly I’m trigger-reactor on this subject, which has had tangible effect on my life, but several speeding tickets is worthy of concern in my book. To see that as not serious is just the kind of under-reaction that causes further problems among adult drivers, such as the one who caused me significant injury and paid no consequences whatsoever. Speeding is most definitely a personal choice, while fender benders could be caused by others or the drivers themselves, depending.</p>
<p>Legally, driving with a peer before the law lets her wasn’t a minor infraction. BUt putting that aside, the OP’s daughter showed an attitude that was cavalier toward the law. That can lead to all kinds of accidents down the road. If her brain is still forming, then it’s wise to form the right attitudes about driving, while the parents still have some control over the situation. </p>
<p>What I do agree about that you said is the daughter’s two-page letter indicates remorse, and that’s a good starting point. I think when a kid is sorry they are practically asking for a consequence, to help them assuage the guilt they feel. Under the circumstances, a trustworthy kid who made a peer-based mistake needs “some” consequence, so I applaud the OP for seeking a broad range of opinions.</p>
<p>'What I do agree about that you said is the daughter’s two-page letter indicates remorse, and that’s a good starting point. I think when a kid is sorry they are practically asking for a consequence, to help them assuage the guilt they feel. Under the circumstances, a trustworthy kid who made a peer-based mistake needs “some” consequence, so I applaud the OP for seeking a broad range of opinions."</p>
<p>I did not make the above post. Bottom line - if my kids were not the norm, our insurance rates would have been raised. They WERE NOT.</p>