<p>On hindsight, after reading the entire thread, I would put this into the same category as breaking a prohibition- for example, a teen going somewhere she was told not to go. I would punish accordingly.</p>
<p>Kids will often come up with more stringent consequences than parents would give them. I’d suggest sitting down with her and coming up with a contract that is put in writing and signed by her and both parents regarding consequences for this violation and how she’s going to earn back trust and privileges. Think of what the consequences would have been, on every level, if she had been in an accident and her friend had been injured or killed!</p>
<p>Merrymom – Oh gosh. In my post 99, everything after the words “I think” was my personal opinion, not yours. I should have started a brand new paragraph to differentiate.</p>
<p>I apologize for giving you credit for the idea that the two-page letter indicates remorse. That was somebody else’s thought. </p>
<p>Perhaps we both need to read more carefully? I’m sure we’ll find other areas we do agree upon. I notice you’re new posting at CC, and so really you deserve welcome, even if I disagree with a lot of what you did write today. Usually people agree some things, disagree others.</p>
<p>So, welcome!</p>
<p>I was under the impression that in most states, disobeying the laws about ages and/or numbers of passengers was a secondary offense.</p>
<p>Well, I think all these parents are nicer than I am! We don’t even permit our kids to get permits till age 17, and no license till 18. I learned to drive in rural Iowa, buzzing around in a tractor then a car on dirt/gravel roads. My children live in a much more urban area and I really don’t want to pay, or have them spend their money, on insurance, etc. when those thousands of dollars could go right into the college kitty.</p>
<p>I just had my first “my fault” accident, at age 48, June 26 when I was involved in 4 car pile-up in a tunnel. I was the third car in the crunch, and was responsible for hitting the car in front of me. Likewise, the guy who hit me from behind paid for my trunk damage (I almost said rear end damage, but that didn’t sound right). </p>
<p>Punishment: I would definitely say no driving for at least a month and then slowly return to driving status. Maybe driving with Mom/Dad only in the car for 2 months after that. Kids must understand that traffic laws aren’t there to annoy them, and they are not there to be broken because their friends need a ride or because they’ve missed the school bus. Those laws protect all of us from excess and excuse and simple inexperience. </p>
<p>Good luck. I know the inconvenience of NOT having your child behind the wheel is palpable sometimes.</p>
<p>Not in Massachusetts, it’s not a secondary offense. Disobeying any traffic law or restriction, other than seatbelts, while on a junior license is a primary offense.</p>
<p>States vary in this as well as in the penalties.</p>
<p>My mistake. Thanks, Chedva.</p>
<p>Wow, and I thought my parents were strict by setting my driving curfew at 2. She’s in high school…she’s gonna drive friends around. Maybe limit her to only work and school. I know when I messed up a few times, my parents would do this, and make me keep a record of my mileage so no side trips to someone’s house occured.</p>
<p>It’s my understanding that in most states, the “friend in the car law” applies when they’ve pulled you over for something else. Like if she’s speeding, then the cop can see if she’s of age to have someone other than family in the car.</p>
<p>OP and others - another big consideration I forgot is, “If your kid is not driving, who will be driving her?”</p>
<p>My kids were better drivers than the other kids. I didn’t want their friends driving my kids.</p>
<p>You? That gets old for all involved very quickly.</p>
<p>Mr. B</p>
<p>The “friend in the car law” is there for a very good safety reason. It is not a mindless technicality. OP’s D broke the law knowingly. The bigger issue here in my mind is caving in to peer pressure. This is a common problem at her age, but can be a deadly problem with driving, drinking, etc. This needs to be taken seriously partly because it calls into question her readiness for this HUGE responsibility.</p>
<p>I’m just wondering if she didn’t do something else to cause her to get pulled over, and then got caught with the friend in her car. </p>
<p>And I understand with peer pressure. In the end I think it’s up to the OP to judge if her daughter is actually smart enough, and independant enough to avoid drinking and driving…racing…and the countless other things that teenagers face that hurts themselves or others. If she thinks that her daughter is capable of standing up to this…then punishment should not be as harsh as having your parents drive you around for a month.</p>
<p>I, too, would be very concerned about susceptibility to peer pressure. Now is a good time to grow some spine before college presents more opportunities for succumbing to temptation.</p>
<p>Not being permitted to whine is part of the punishment. Being made fully aware of the inconvenience posed to parents while driving privileges are suspended would also be part of the punishment. In this particular case, though, since the license was obtained only 12 days earlier, it would be a resumption of the status quo ante for the duration of the suspension of driving privileges.</p>
<p>Another consideration: If the suspension was long enough–and that depends on each family-- it would not only be a signal to the D about what is tolerated, but it would also be a signal to D’s friends not to pressure her into doing things she would be punished for. If, on the other hand, all she has to endure is a lecture, the friends might consider that pressuring her to break the law and abuse her parents’ trust is no big deal.</p>
<p>I’m curious Marite. Do you have children who drove as teenagers? Don’t you live in a city? My guess is they had more access to public transportation. If they drove, how much?</p>
<p>“OP and others - another big consideration I forgot is, “If your kid is not driving, who will be driving her?””</p>
<p>Our city’s public transportation is vitually nonexistant, so my husband and I always drove my kids or they could ride with friends who had been fully licensed for at least 6 months. If our kids couldn’t get rides those ways, they didn’t go to those places. We also did not give our kids their own cars. As a result, our older S was one of the few high school seniors who was taking the school bus. Oh, well. </p>
<p>Yes, it was inconvenient to drive our kids places, but it was inconvenient to drive them places when they were too young to drive themselves. Our older S also didn’t enjoy having to get up early to take the school bus (Younger S got to drive himself to school because my husband started riding his bike to work, which freed up a car for younger S), but there was nothing new about that.</p>
<p>As for people who say, “Teens are in so many activities, they have to be able to drive themselves.” The teens being in those activities is a privilege, not a right. If the teens can’t drive themselves or get acceptable transportation, they simply can’t participate in those activities. Oh, well…,</p>
<p>I have two kids, one who is still a teenager. Both have been driving as teenagers. Not all that frequently, but that’s really besides the point.</p>
<p>My point is not about driving, though as Chedva and others have made it clear, the laws are stricter in MA than in some other states. The issue for me is about breaking laws and abusing the trust of parents–and so very soon after getting the license and the pertinent information that there is little chance that the girl would have “forgotten.”</p>
<p>Marite, I don’t think it is beside the point.</p>
<p>Teenage behavior, brain development, discipline, are very complicated sciences.</p>
<p>The “friend in the car law” is there in California because studies have shown that accidents involving new drivers increase dramatically when other teenagers are in the car with them. It is hardly a technicallity. But that really isn’t the issue. If a teenager thinks that they can pick and choose which laws to obey based on what they think is important, they haven’t developed the maturity to be driving. Taking away the keys for a few months isn’t a punishment as much as it is protection for the child and others on the road from the child’s immaturity and lack of responsibility. As a parent, I feel responsible for what my kids do, and I am legally responsible until they are of age. If I allow my kid to be on the road when I know they don’t respect the law, what kind of parent am I?</p>
<p>The OP mentioned that D was driving without her lights on. </p>
<p>My D turned 16 last month. Because of Spring lacrosse & other commitments, she was unable to take both the after school classroom driving course & on-the-road instruction at school. Because of travel & camps this summer, she hasn’t even been able to contract with a local driving school. NJ has really put through more teen driving restrictions than I remember! All of them are good, IMHO. It is now required that new drivers attend some sort of driving school; no longer can mom or dad do the teaching. </p>
<p>D attends a Catholic h.s that is not served by public transportation. The only means of getting there is by car. I currently spend three hours a day driving her to and from school. Believe me, I am dreaming of the day she turns 17 & can get her license. As soon as she’s back in town, I’m putting the wheels in motion. The true punishment for taking away driving privliges would be mine, not hers, if she ever put herself in the situation the OP speaks of. That’s why I’d restrict all social driving, but let her get to school by driving herself. Also to a job or a trip to the grocery store if I needed her to pitch in with chores. I think the parents must determine if their children are capable of good judgment, if their physical driving skills are lacking, or if it’s an attitude problem/disrespect for laws. I’d err on the side of too much punishment, frankly. Some of the irresponsible teen driving I see is frightening.</p>
<p>On a related note, I think it’s asking for trouble when parents buy their kids flashy convertibles or sports cars. When D gets a car, it will be chosen by us – safe, boxy, boring, functional. If she went to school locally, she’d be walking.</p>
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<p>The funny thing is, that when my d was finally able to drive herself (fall birthday, so she started driving later than most of her friends), I missed driving her. I missed going to the dance studio, and chatting with her in the car, and just having her company!</p>
<p>As I said, you must know different teenagers from me.</p>
<p>If you are concerned about teenage brain development, etc…, all the more reason not to trust her with a car.</p>
<p>I went off to college at 17, thousands of miles away from home, in a different country. My parents had to trust me. And in the 60s, there were temptations aplenty. My S went off to college at 17, too. Again, I had to trust that he would not do something stupid. And I do.</p>