<p>Our d is 16 and has been dating the same guy for a year. I am not proud to admit that I check her IM’s on her phone occasionally and I checked it this evening and I am afraid they are getting ready to ‘seal the deal’. They have gotten along great all these months, both doing very well in school and very little drama until about a month ago. Please no lectures on teenage privacy and how she needs her space and how snooping is wrong because I know there are arguments on both sides. I just don’t think she is ready for this next step emotionally and he will be 18 next month and off to college in the fall. </p>
<p>I don’t know if she/they are trying to rush this relationship because of that or if because she found out about a month ago that he was talking to another girl with less than a stellar reputation and our d is thinking she can keep him if she does the deed. I know how that sounds and I am heartbroken that she might be thinking that because she is very smart and a lot going for her. </p>
<p>I am not sure how to approach my d about this because my mother died when I was very young and I never had a female figure in my life to help guide me through the teen years. I made a lot of mistakes because of that and I don’t want to say the wrong thing but I also don’t want to NOT say something…especially since after having read an IM her boyfriend sent her yesterday I sent him one saying if he does anything inappropriate with our d he will be very, very sorry. I love my d more than life itself and up until now she has been very trustworthy and a good decision maker. Am I just being totally unrealistic that she could possibly remain a virgin at least until college? It just breaks my heart to think she might be getting ready to take this next step with someone she is probably going to end up breaking up with this fall but I am sure they think they are in love and this is the real thing. I just know she will regret it afterwards and this is something she can’t undo. Any advice on how to talk to her and what approach to take would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>In the first place, although you are acting out of love and concern, I think you really did the wrong thing in IMing and sort of threatening the boyfriend. To me, that was a really inappropriate breach of privacy, and if I were your daughter, I would be really angry. </p>
<p>Does your daughter know you read her IMs and so forth? If so, I don’t know why you didn’t confront her directly, instead of writing to the boyfriend. Why can’t you just be up front with your D, and say you hope she isn’t planning to do anything rash, and discuss good decision making, etc.</p>
<p>I will say that if you forbid her from seeing the boyfriend (you didn’t say this, but I know other parents who have tried this, to prevent “sealing the deal”), it will probably backfire, and then she may sneak around behind your back.</p>
<p>What you want is for her to have thought through, to the best of her ability, the consequences of her actions, and to be safe about it. Aside from chaining her to her room in a chastity belt, however, at a certain point, the decision to have sex or not will be hers and hers alone. You just hope to have given her the tools to be thoughtful and safe about that decision, whenever she makes it.</p>
<p>I know I shouldn’t have done that but we have already had one talk with this boy about another issue (driving too fast with d in the car) and my husband made it perfectly clear to him what his expectations were of him when he is with our daughter. I know she has to take responsibility for her actions too, but she is 16 and he will be 18 in 3 weeks and because he was talking to this other girl not long ago, I can’t help but wonder if he is just trying to lose his virginity before he goes off to college…if he is still a virgin. I don’t want to see my d give up something so special to the wrong boy at the wrong time…am I not supposed to be upset about this? I am disappointed in her because this is something we have talked about since middle school and she knows the pros and the cons and she also has a brother who is 26 that had a little talk with her when he saw that she was serious about this boy. I’m not sure she liked it but he spoke to her from his heart and told her how and what boys will say and do just to get her to sleep with them. He told her did the same thing when he was a teenager and was very sorry and ashamed.</p>
<p>I know she will be angry when she finds out I IM’d her boyfriend, if he tells her, and I will respect that but that doesn’t change the fact that they don’t need to be rushing into this next step in their relationship. I don’t plan on forbidding her to see him because they both drive and they go to the same school so I know that would just make things worse. I was just hoping they could date and have fun and then when he leaves for college they would both move on…if it is true love then they can stay in touch and see what happens but why complicate things by being sexually involved so soon?</p>
<p>Almost every parent worries about their kids becoming sexually active. Usually there are several categories of worry: moral/religious, emotional, and health (STDs and unwanted pregnancy). In spite of all of our worries and concerns and “little talks”, almost every kid has a sexual experience by age 16-18 and often much earlier. It seems you have focused your concerns on the emotional issues. Maybe that is the only concern that you feel comfortable to express. </p>
<p>In the face of biological and often social/peer pressure, our religious, moral and emotional arguments almost always lose, eventually. I think it is important to give priority to the health issues. As parents and as a society, we usually do a poor job of this. I think we become concerned that by discussing the health issues we will promote sexual activity. Consider some little talks focused on the health issues. Kids need to know about contraception, condom failure rates, and STD transmission. It might be a good time to consider a Gyn appointment and also consider HPV immunization.</p>
<p>Wow. You’re in a tough situation. Maybe you can bring her brother back into the conversation—you may have taken steps that will keep her from really listening to you right now. </p>
<p>Otherwise, you maybe can plan something special to do w/ daughter–go shopping somewhere special, or take a mini-road trip. I’ve found that those long car-rides or discussions over dinner in a nice restaurant are when we’ve sometimes gotten into the deepest conversations. No one can get mad and stomp away, if eye contact gets to be embarrassing, she can always be occupied with watching the surroundings. </p>
<p>I know you said you’ve talked about it since middle school–have they been relatively frequent conversations? We’ve talked multiple times w/ our 2 Ds…and many times H and I each do it on our own (sometimes, we compare stories, sometimes we don’t). We’ve talked about relationships in the context of other people’s actions—I’ve told her stories about my college roommates and the mistakes I saw them make, talked about my own decisions when I was in college (without going into too much detail—EWWWW, MOM!) We’ve talked about some of her friends and acquaintances at high school, we’ve even talked after watching a movie or seeing a TV show. The key is making it not be a major production to talk about. </p>
<p>Good luck to you. The best you can do is make sure she stays safe and healthy (I agree w/ edad’s comments on this).</p>
<p>I’d be surprised if it turned out that your d is just hoping to keep this guy in her life by having sex with him, or that he is “just trying to lose his virginity before he goes off to college.” I’m sure that they truly think they love each other, as teens who’ve been in a great relationship for a year do. Their emotional involvement, as well as the biological aspect of all this (nature really, really wants young people to reproduce), will make it tough for you to keep them from having sex.</p>
<p>I understand that you’ve been motivated by the great love you have for your daughter, and by your greater understanding of the consequences of a sexual relationship. However, even though she is only 16, this isn’t your decision to make. She may decide to wait, and perhaps communication between you and your daughter might help foster that decision. But I think that the IM situation is going to hurt here, although I know your intentions were only to protect this child you love so much. </p>
<p>If it were my child (and I am also one who strongly wants my children to wait until they are adults to lose their virginity), I would apologize separately to the young man and to my daughter for reading the IMs and sending the hostile message to the boyfriend. I would explain to each that I was motivated by my great concern for their well-being. Then I’d try to find the right time for a more detailed conversation with my daughter about her future, how she’ll feel if this relationship ends, and contraception/STDs. She needs the latter information particularly, so if you feel she’ll consider your mentioning it equivalent to “giving your permission,” please think of how else she can obtain it.
Although this is completely understandable, it’s likely that your d doesn’t at all consider him the wrong boy. She may think of him as the love of her life, certainly the young man upon whom she wants to bestow this gift. It’s also possible that your d may not value virginity as highly as you do (many people don’t). Although I want my kids to be adult enough to deal with the major consequences of having sex before they’re sexually active, I don’t think they’ll have lost something irreplaceable if they have relationships before finding Mr. Forever. I imagine Mr. Forever will have had his share of relationships, too. Others feel very differently, of course.</p>
<p>I can certainly see her trying to keep this boy if she does the deed. And in her mind, keep him throughout college. And as for him using the other girls to get your D to come through, another normal ploy. No matter how smart the child, these are tactics that have been around since time immemorial, and have been touted on shows and movies and in books. As adults, we know this doesn’t work, but teenage emotions? And girls…God help us! I feel for you. As for the IM, you did it. It’s done. (I think I would have done it, too, if that little voice in my head started me worrying about something.) Now, how to proceed? 18 and 16? Hmmm…Ever hear of statutory? Registered sex offender? Ruined future? A little talk with boyfriend on the part of big brother and/or dad and that may solve the problem. As to people saying it’s OK if she does, many teenage girls are drama queens and very fragile. Others are tough women. This mother knows her child. Hers is the one who will fall apart when he dumps her. She isn’t one of those that meets a different boy in the school bathroom for kicks (2 couples caught in our school 2 days ago.) It’s obvious it means something to this child and her family, so other peoples’ opinions of the right or wrong of the matter don’t factor into the equation. This is one of the fragile girls. My heart goes out to you, SharonD, it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, because you know who will have to help pick up the pieces when the inevitable happens. I, too, would make a move because she is emotionally not ready. And if after the male talk with him he dumps her, you will be persona non grata and someone else will have to help her. But, rest assured, no matter what she decides, she will overcome this in the end, whether she does or doesn’t (because you can’t be with her 24/7). And, as she gets older, you will get smarter, and she will forgive you for this, maybe not now, but when she truly understands. God bless you all.</p>
<p>Yep…she is upset and he is upset and they think I went completely overboard with the IM and the assumption that they were on the verge of having sex. Did I mention that the first IM was from her to him saying she “was nervous about tonight”…meaning last night and the second IM was from him to her saying "it will be fine and I’ll bring the blanket and towel and we will just cuddle? Yesterday was their first year anniversary of dating so she said of course I jumped to conclusions thinking this was how they were going to ‘celebrate’ it. I’m still not so sure that wasn’t someones intentions.</p>
<p>I did apologize to her for invading her privacy but when then she told me they had gone to a park that is somewhat secluded and not on the best side of town to do all this cuddling, I got all upset again. I know I cannot control what she does when she is with him and if I felt better about this boy I wouldn’t be so worried. He never looks us in the eye and he barely talks when he is around us…our son swears he is up to no good. I told him that if anyone would know he would cause he was like that at that age, and he agreed 100%.</p>
<p>I am not just concerned about the emotional attachment that comes from an innocent relationship changing becoming intimate at such a young age, but of course STD’s and teen pregnancy. D has been on birth control for awhile now to control severe cramps and heavy bleeding but this is a very low dose of contraception and her doctor explained that in the beginning. We have talked about this on several occasions because many of her friends are sexually active and use nothing and there are a handful of girls that go to her school that are pregnant. </p>
<p>Maybe I’m not being realistic about hoping that she will wait at least until she gets to college to have sex and I should rethink that…I just don’t want my little girl to grow up too fast or allow herself to be put in a situation with a boy that might not want to take no for an answer.</p>
<p>ejr1: your response brought tears to my eyes because you said what I couldn’t…and it made me realize my actions are partly from wanting to protect my daughter from some of the things that happened to me at this age when there was no one there for me. My brother and I practically raised ourselves and we were clueless to many things and learned everything the hard way. I got involved in drugs and yes I had sex at the age of 16 and ended up pregnant and left to deal with those consequences on my own. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about that baby I chose not to have and my heart aches over that. Is it so wrong to want to spare your child from this…some people would say so.</p>
<p>You are also right that for some boys/girls at this age, it is really no big deal to have sex with someone whether they think they are truly in love or not but my daughter is not like that. She is sweet and trusting and always looks for the best in people and she has seen this boy cry too many times over things he brought on himself and could have prevented. I think if she could save the world she would try. She has had her eyes open the last two years because she was previously in a private Christian school and now attends a large public school but we are still happy with having moved her. We wanted her to become more aware of the reality that was out there before she went off to college…reality surrounds her now for sure but we are trying our best to guide her through it. Thanks again for your compassionate words and vote of confidence.</p>
<p>Have you actually just talked to her about your concerns? Not lectures, but questions, answers and concerns? “I’m worried because he’s older than you, and he’s in a different emotional point in his life since he’s going off to college. Have you considered what it will be like next year when he’s gone and you’re still here? If you do have sex? (Here she’ll probably jump in and say, “It’s not having sex, it’s making love!!”) If you don’t? Do you know how to protect yourself from STDs and pregnancy? (This will allow you to discuss the low dose pill she’s on.) Do you know if he’s ever had sex with anyone else? Remember, because of AIDS, you’re not just having sex with him, you’re having sex with everyone he’s ever had sex with. Has he been tested for HIV? etc. etc. etc.”</p>
<p>Leave your feelings about this particular boy out of it. These are general issues you should be talking about with her. (And of course this is after you have apologized profusely and grovelled a bit for reading her IMs.)</p>
<p>There’s only one thing I am concerned about here, really. Her safety. And by that I’m speaking strictly about the proper use of condoms for her life. Sex is sex, and yes, it could be a shame if a girl (or a boy for that matter) opted for losing their virginity for any variety of reasons other than mutual care, respect and desire. BUT in 2007 it is IMPERATIVE that your D protect herself from unwanted pregnancy as well as a host of unwanted stds, up to and including HIV. A dear friend is a clinical psychologist who works exclusively with under 21 year olds infected with HIV (with many in the 15 to 18 zone, male and female), so I am hyper-sensitive to this issue, as should we all be. Virgin(s) or not, she must protect herself, and know that EVERY TIME she has sex (in a committed relationship or not) she must protect her health and her life. </p>
<p>THAT’S the conversation I would be having with MY d. Everything else would be a side note.</p>
<p>Okay I’m a high school student. How do you know she’s already not a virgin? I lost my virginity at 15, am currently 17, and my parents don’t have a clue because we don’t talk about these things.</p>
<p>A lot of what I wanted to say has already been covered. I agree with Chedva that you shoud talk to her honestly about your concerns and listen to what she tells you. Tell her that you are afraid that she’ll be hurt. I agree with JustaMom that you should be the most concered about her health and safety. People lose their virginity for the wrong reasons all the time, and as long as they have their health at the end of it, they get over it. You don’t get over HIV. Focus on her health first, and then warn her about emotional consequences.</p>
<p>
How could you possibly know this? If they’ve been dating for a year, they must sincerely care about and respect each other. Just because they may break up in the fall does not mean that she will regret this decision. I would much rather my daughter have sex for the first time while in a safe, caring relationship than on the rebound after they break up. You should be proud if she’s waited a year in a relationship before talking about having sex, and you should be proud that the two of them are talking about and discussing the matter. It is obvious that you don’t like the boy, but it also sounds as if your daughter really does like him. Just because you wouldn’t choose this boy for her doesn’t mean that he’s a bad choice. It’s also likely, you should know, that they’ve engaged in sexual activities already. Perhaps they were waiting to have intercourse, but I would be surprised if they’ve abstained from all sexual activity. I hope that you have advised your daughter about safe sex practices in general and not limited it to a discussion about intercourse.</p>
<p>Further, I just have to say that I am disgusted by the implication made by an above poster that your husband or son should threaten the boy with statuatory rape charges. I very much hope that you would never consider doing this unless the situation warranted it, which this does not. In many states, statuatory rape laws include an exception for a partner who is 16+, by the way.</p>
<p>I’m not a father of daughters, so I won’t touch on that at all. </p>
<p>I would like to say that I’ve made it clear to both my sons that until they reach the age of majority they have no right to privacy. I’ve told them that I read their email, check their MySpace accounts, and read their IM logs. I’ve also hinted that our home network automatically tracks their browser activity. They are both crystal clear on the rules. Jr1 accepts it without complaint, Jr2 grudgingly accepts it. I actually don’t care how they feel about it.</p>
<p>The truth is – and don’t tell them – I don’t read their email, I don’t spy on their MySpace accounts, and I’ve never scanned their IM logs. If there is some way to track their Internet activity, I’ve never installed it. I just wanted them to know that I COULD do any of these things, that I was willing to, and that if I did they would never be able to claim that they expected privacy. Their safety is a lot more important to me at their ages than having them like me.</p>
<p>I think reading your daughter’s correspondence is fine, but it would be better if it were a policy announcement before you did it.</p>
<p>azsxdc: I’m sorry you and your parents don’t about things like that since you have chosen to become sexually active at such a young age (15) but I hope if anything ever happened that they needed to know, and you needed help you would tell them.</p>
<p>I know my daughter is still a virgin because she has to see the gynecologist (female) periodically for a condition that causes very heavy periods and cramps to the point of throwing up. Before the doctor would prescribe the pill for her to help with this problem, she had to undergo a vaginal ultrasound to rule out a possibility of cysts. She has a small one and the doctor is checking it every so often to make sure it isn’t becoming enlarged. At her last exam which was a week or so ago nothing had ‘changed’…either way. The doctor did talk to us both about the new vaccination called Guardasil (sp?) that is recommended for young females before they become sexually active.</p>
<p>I don’t think you can tell by a physical exam- whether or not someone is a “virgin”- physicians to Queen Elizabeth not withstanding.</p>
<p>I began having sex when I was 15- & even after I had children, I still used the very smallest size diaphragm. Some peoples tissues are just elastic
There isn’t necessarily a dramatic “deflowering”.</p>
<p>I would suggest that I am getting a very strong impression that you are trying to work through your own issues of having intercourse when you were a teen, concieving a child and the lack of guidance that you felt, through your own relationship with your daughter and her friend.
I understand that our past experiences color our values, but I think it would help you more to seek out a counselor who can help you come to terms with your own past decisions, than try to get your daughter to rewrite your history.</p>
<p>Im not trying to be harsh, but I think it could be beneficial for you in the long and the short term.</p>
<p>Is this thev same guy she caught calling other girls and that you and she were showing to the door for the last time? If yes, I’m confused. You said he had a bad rep, was planning to drink and party and your daughter wanted no part of it.</p>
<p>Suze, you’re not confused as it is the same boy. She was terribly upset when she found out he had been talking to this other girl and she broke it off with him and only saw him at school for about two weeks. He has only recently started coming back over and them going out. He claims he is truly sorry and wants another chance and wants to prove to her how much he cares for her. </p>
<p>So many people said that if we forbid them to see each they would just sneak around so better to let her see him and limit that time and hope she would see the light but that hasn’t happened. I am not saying this is all his fault, it takes two to tango but I just don’t think she is ready for this next step and he probably is as he will be 18 in a few weeks and she is only 16.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4: I think if my daughter was no longer a virgin the doctor would not have been so casual about talking to her/us about the new vaccine and would also have suggested increasing the dosage of the birth control she takes to prevent pregnancy. I would certainly hope so anyway as that is her job. </p>
<p>I understand your layman’s diagnosis of me and I am certain that has a lot to do with my feelings about my daughter becoming sexually active at 16…I was too young and she is too…plain and simple. It will not do anything but complicate matters if/when they break up which most high school romances don’t last.</p>
<p>Im not trying to diagnose you, but while I don’t feel that sexual relationships are something to be excited about for our kids, whether they are in high school or even college- I also don’t think they are the end of the world.</p>
<p>( I also would wonder about the ethics of a Dr telling you whether your over 14 yr old daughter is a virgin or not- although according to HIPAA, if she gave permission that information could be shared- however a Dr cannot tell by an exam if you are a virgin- but I agree that if the dr didn’t feel that she had not yet been sexually active, she might not have recommended the vaccine- however neither of my girls have had it- they arent sexually active and their drs are waiting until the vaccine is more fully tested apparently to recommend it)</p>
