<p>Well honestly it’s your daughter who sounds confused SharonD. If she went back to a guy who was cheating on her or trying to, who lives a life she doesn’t approve of and has a bad reputation. Going back to him 2 weeks after denouncing his morals and creating a huge breakup drama means she is not secure in her beliefs and in herself.</p>
<p>You may well have knocked yourself out of the box for being a trusted confidant. I would probably see if she would speak to a therapist.</p>
<p>Also, I agree with Emerald. Our GYN always talked to my daughters privately for part of their visits since they were 13.</p>
<p>I would be very upset by this also, and concerned for their safety. This boy obviously has very poor judgement.<br>
I would intervene, and not feel guilty about it. - She will be angry, but sometimes that’s the price parents pay for keeping their kids safe. I would sit down with this young man with your husband, if he’s available, and tell him your concerns about your daughter’s safety - he’s already put her in jeapardy with his driving, apparently, and taking her to an unsafe and secluded place would be strike two. I would give him (and her) one more chance to act responsibly, and if they can’t do that, then I’d tell him he will have to wait until she is 18 to see her. From this point on, I would expect to know where they were going and what they were planning to do whenever they went out, with details.</p>
<p>From a women’s health perspective, I am very interested in this “low dose” birth control your daughter is taking. Many commonly prescribed birth control pills have very low amounts of hormones, in order to counteract the negative side effects that can be experienced; generally, the more hormones, the more nausea/side effects; the fewer hormones, the more spotting. This does not mean the lower hormones are less effective at preventing pregnancy. I believe there is some debate about whether overweight/heavier women should be prescribed higher doses–if perhaps low doses are not effective for them–but I doubt that would come into play for your daughter.</p>
<p>So is your daughter on some kind of birth control pill that is not actually birth control? If your daughter’s periods have improved because she is on the pill, it is because her periods are not real periods–they are withdrawal bleeding–this is the fact of the pill, it essentially stops/interferes with one’s cycle–and thus, she will also be protected from pregnancy. I’m sure you know all these facts already–so I’m quite intrigued about the details of this pill your daughter is on. Would you mind sharing?</p>
<p>And as a girl who lost her virginity in a very similar situation to your daughter’s (there must be thousands of us), I would say–let it happen, just make sure she’s safe and has a shoulder to celebrate with or cry on.</p>
<p>She takes Yasmin…not sure of the dosage but I know her doctor started her at a very low dosage to see if that would decrease her flow and stop those horrendous cramps. She was missing several days of school a month it was so bad and it took a couple of cycles to see a difference but it has helped tremendously. The cyst hasn’t gotten any bigger either so that is a good thing.</p>
<p>I know that losing ones virginity isn’t the end of the world I just think that once that happens it makes it so much harder to detach from that person if things really go bad. Several of her friends that are sexually active have told her how much they regret it now and some girls can just walk away and shake it off…she knows plenty of that type but she isn’t one of those.</p>
<p>I told her today that all I am trying to do is help her buy some time until she is a little older and more mature…even her doctor said that unless she is going into the “Nunnery” (sp?) it will probably happen before she gets married. Somebody asked why I go in with her and talk to her doctor and it’s because her doctor recommended it since my daughter was so reluctant about having that first internal…personally I would rather wait outside and read the magazines. Maybe because our doctor is a female and has several daughters of her own her approach is a little different.</p>
<p>A.S.A.P: Yes…his judgement is questionable at times and he is always extremely apologetic afterwards but it 's the afterwards that bothers us. I told D that she can’t depend on him to do all the thinking and that just because a park has ducks and those nasty geese that come out of the water and chase you all over the place, that there can also be other dangers lurking nearby. They do not need to be putting themselves in places where the temptation might be worse and she agreed.</p>
<p>kirmum: exactly…she is confused but I don’t know too many at this age that aren’t and that is why we as parents have to intervene and guide them when it seems they might not be making the best decisions. She is not pleased about me reading her IM’s and I expected that, but her dad told her there shouldn’t be anything on there that she would be ashamed for us to see…there is such a thing as too much privacy sometimes. I woke up out of a dead sleep at 3:00 this morning and my gut told me to do this so I did what I felt was right…can’t explain it any other way. </p>
<p>As far as her no longer confiding in me, I think that is a chance we all take as parents when we decide to check behind them but she and I have had a great talk today…off and on all day actually. I think she knows I have only her best interest at heart and I stand to gain nothing by purposely leading her in the wrong direction…unlike someone else that might.</p>
I know you didn’t want us discussing your actions regarding reading her IMs, but this is just incorrect. I would not want anyone–parent, friend, teacher, or sister–reading or listening to a conservation that I thought was private. This is particularly true with a romantic partner due to the very personal nature of some conversations. I’m not saying anything about your actions, but the notion that she shouldn’t be saying anything she wouldn’t want you to hear is just absurd, in my opinion.</p>
<p>I don’t regret losing my virginity at 15. It wasn’t a mistake; it has made me a better and more mature person. It did not and does not interfere with my academics (top of class, good SATs and ECs), and has made no difference in the relationship between my parents and me. In a way, I think they already know. You should not check up on her conversations. Sure she’ll realize that you’re doing this out of love, but at first she’ll hate you even more and purposely do things that you’ve tried so hard to prevent. The best thing to do, in my opinion as a teenager, is not to ignore her (like my parents have), but to tell her seriously that by making that risk, it’ll change your life forever. Don’t hint at her that you DO NOT want her to do it; Ask her if she’s ready yet. By speaking nicely and treating her as an equal, she’ll take your questions and comments to heart. Trust me. I wish my parents had done that.</p>
<p>azsxdc, come back in about 30 years when you have a teenaged daughter and tell us, “I don’t regret losing my virginity at 15.” At the ripe old age of 18, you have no clue what you may or may not regret.</p>
<p>SharonD - Scarfmadness is correct, the “low dosage” birth control pills are effective for fully protecting against pregnancy, as long as taken regularly, and it is common for doctors to start off with them when prescribing for purposes of birth control because they have fewer side effects. So I don’t know what you are thinking – but there is no reason to believe the doctor would increase the dosage if she felt your daughter was sexually active. Of course, unless your d. confides in the doctor, there really is no way for her to know.</p>
<p>I think you are putting way too much focus on the specific act and not on the relationship as a whole. I really don’t see much difference in the sex act itself and everything else that is included in the “cuddling”. If and when the breakup occurs, it will be painful whether or not they have had sex.</p>
<p>Also, I think you seem to be much to personally involved in the drama of the relationship… who cares if this boy was “talking” with another girl? Either there was more going on than “talking” – or else your daughter is far too clingy or controlling. Teens should have friends of both sexes – a relationship that cuts either of them off from such friendships is not healthy. In either case, this is the normal sort of issue that comes up in teen relationships, which often are on-again, off-again affairs. </p>
<p>I am sorry, but I think you have conveyed the message to your daughter that you are going to freak out if she tells you when she has sex, so the lesson she and her boyfriend have learned is to be more discreet. Given that she is already on the pill, she has no particular reason to talk to you. At least when my daughter was the same age with an 18 year old boyfriend, she needed to bring up the subject, “hypothetically” as to how she would go about getting the pill if she wanted to, ostensibly because her friends recommended it for acne control. I told her she could call our family doctor any time, and the doctor would keep her visits confidential. </p>
<p>I spent a lot of time talking to my daughter about relationship issues all through middle school and beyond – and while there was also talk about sex and what was appropriate at what time, my focus really was on getting her to think about the importance of trust and respect and love in a relationship. </p>
<p>My d. is 19 now and still with the same boyfriend; at this age I have no control whatsoever over her sex life; I am glad that when she was in high school we had the kind of relationship where she felt comfortable in confiding me and asking my advice. I wasn’t always comfortable with what I was hearing, but I sure was glad that the lines of communication were wide open.</p>
<p>I have two daughters one 16, and one 24- I don’t think what I did at 15, has a lot to do with what they chose to do or not do at 15.
We are different people.</p>
<p>I *would *agree that most young people have enough on their plate without a romantic relationship complicated by risking disease and pregancy, but hormones are pretty noisy.</p>
<p>I would be concerned as well, with the relationship, but also the ovarian cyst.
If the hormone therapy isn’t working, there are other treatments.
I had an ovarian cyst when I was 23 & it was awful. Long story but pretty awful culminating in a hystosalpingogram.( but the good thing was- the procedure blew out the cyst and also revealed that I had a bicornate uterus)
Different kind of cysts- essential she be diagnosed correctly so she can get rid of it-the increased hormone level of the pills may also be contributing to emotional stress.</p>
<p>Chedva, I was 17 and I am now 53, and I have no regrets. </p>
<p>One reason I don’t have any regrets is that my first experience was with a boyfriend I was very seriously involved with, in a sustained, long-term relationship, and I was using birth control. </p>
<p>It is not always about a boy “taking advantage” of a girl. Sometimes its just about two young people who think they are very much in love. Sometimes its about two young people who barely know each other and think casual sex with strangers is fun… which I don’t really approve of, which is why I ended up deciding to focus on the “love” part with my daughter rather than get too worried about the age. </p>
<p>My observation is that that the kids my daughter grew up with who did have sex at 14 and 15 were those who had a much more casual view, with multiple partners, and who did not seem to tie the idea of emotional commitment in with sex. So for whatever its worth, waiting for “true love” to come along had the effect of delaying things several years beyond the time when some of her friends started boasting of their experiences.</p>
<p>emeraldkity4…if you don’t mind me asking, what is a bicornate uterus? Don’t think I’ve ever heard of that. I underwent a hystosalpingogram myself before I became pregnant with my D…doctor wanted to make sure both tubes were open because I had a tubal reversal at the age of 36. Amazing what they can do. D’s cyst is very small and doctor wants to see if it will dissolve on it’s own before deciding on surgery and so far it has shrunk a little. I have heard horror stories about those that rupture because they go undiagnosed and untreated.</p>
<p>calmom…I am also 53…actually today is my b’day. I agree with you that there is a difference in casual sex at a young age or at any age for that matter, and sex with someone you truly care about and plan on being with for awhile. I am not convinced that this is how it will be with my d and this boy. I can see her staying comitted to him but not him to her as he will be off to college in the fall and away from his parents and their watchful eye. I just want her to put ‘it’ off as long as possible to save herself the heartache should they break up when he leaves for school. If it is true love there is no rush and time will tell…they are just so young to be headed in this direction.</p>
<p>corranged: I was referring to something that might be sexual in nature not your normal lovey-dovey kissy-poo stuff that teenagers will say…nothing wrong with that at all.</p>
<p>azsxdc: I am very interested in knowing how having sex at the age of 15 made you a better and more mature person or better yet, why do you think it plays a role in your being in the top of your class? That is insane. My D is an excellent student although not in the top of her class probably because she is very involved in several types of athletics and other school activities and doesn’t study much as she should. I am sorry your parents ignored you because I know how that feels but if they thought you were sexually active at such a young age they should have approached you about it. My D does not hate me…she might be angry and upset and I expected that, being a good parent is not about always being liked by your kids, it is a very, very difficult job at times. As I type this she is trying to decide what movie we are going to watch…a chic flick I’m sure. We are going to have our moments but I do believe when I get old and gray she won’t be in too much of a rush to put me away in an old folks home…I’m sure she’ll need me to babysit or something. :)</p>
<p>Happy Birthday. I don’t care the nature of the conversation. The reasoning that if you’re daughter isn’t doing anything wrong she shouldn’t have any conversations she’d like to hide is ridiculus. Private conversations are had with the expectation that they will be kept private. It doesn’t matter what the discussion is about. Again, I’m not saying anything about your actions, just your husband’s statement.</p>
<p>I also feel the need to add, two people at 16 and 17 who have been in a relationship for a year should have some communication that is sexual in nature, even if they haven’t had sexual intercourse. I would go so far as to say a one year relationship without sexual talk would be peculiar and very possibly unhealthy. Of course, kissing and cuddling are sexual activities, as well, even if sexual intercourse isn’t involved. </p>
<p>I agree all around with Calmom’s take on the subject. It sounds as if she handled it very well with her daughter.</p>
<p>corranged: Thanks for the b’day wishes. I agree that Calmom handled her situation with her d extremely well and I think we should all give her a huge round of applause. Ok…now that we have done that I would like to say it has been very interesting to hear all the different takes on how a situation like this can be handled, and if this is the worst mistake I ever make with my d and it keeps her from having sex too soon, then I think it was worth it. IMO there is just no good reason for a 16 and a 17 year old to be sexually active and what good can come out of it? I also think that the worst thing a parent can do is to give their child the slightest impression that under certain conditions it IS ok…I am not saying it won’t happen anyway but at least I will know I did all I could do to get in the way of it. I told her today that she can start counting the days if she wants to…she will be off to college in 16 months and she will be a free-bird (love that song btw) and I won’t know what she is doing. She immediately went and got her calendar and sat down next to me and circled August 2008…then smiled real big. Smart alec.</p>
<p>Sharon, when I wrote about “true love” I put it in quotes, because I know that what matters is the subjective view of the person in the relationship, not the objective pros and cons… which no girl or guy is going to be thinking about. So with my daughter, over time, I had discussed the elements that I think are part of a good relationship – so (hopefully) she would know the difference between the first rush of infatuation and recognize warning signs of a relationship that was not based on respect.</p>
<p>Also, when I saw my daughter getting seriously involved with a boy who was leaving for college the next year, I figured that if they didn’t break up before he left, they would end up consummating their relationship. It didn’t matter what I thought was best or what I wanted – I could see by the way they acted when around each other that it was headed in that direction. </p>
<p>And again, I focused on the quality of the relationship rather than the age. It sounds like maybe your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend isn’t so great – my d’s boyfriend is very thoughtful and considerate. In fact, when he was off at college his freshman year, on valentine’s day the doorbell rang and it was the florist with a dozen roses for her. </p>
<p>Maybe when you are watching the chick flick with your daughter, it will be a good time to sneak in some observations about relationships – so many of them are about a girl torn between two guys, with one of them (usually the one she’s already engaged to) being a cad. So without talking about your daughter’s boyfriend, it’s a good time to sneak in some motherly observations about relationships. (Boy, did I have a lot to say when I used to watch “Sex and the City” with my daughter! Lots of opportunities to point out the dumb mistakes the women were making with the wrong guys!)</p>
<p>Anyway, I don’t think direct confrontation works really well with a teenager, but talking about someone/something else can get the message across. So maybe you can pick the movie with that in mind.</p>
<p>I had,had my cyst for a long time, it was very painful, and undiagnosed for months ( my Dr didn’t find any thing and had me go to a psychologist, because he thought this bloating, sensitive breasts and abdominal pain was apparently a hysterical pregnancy)- so I then went to a different Dr, who found the cyst- the size of a grapefruit- no wonder I felt bloated- and he decided to do the test to see what else was going on.
A bicornate uterus, is when the uterus has started to divide into two.
In my case, it was shaped more like bunny ears- or a heart when I was pregnant.
Most women probably don’t even ever know if they have it or not, but in my case it was good I found out, because then I went to a obgyn with my first child instead of a midwife, and was under their care when I delivered 10 weeks early- Just one of those natures quirks</p>
<p>To get back to the subject- I think calmoms ideas are great- movies are a good way to have the subject come up in a non threatening ( and so non defensive fashion)
Even having a bunch of girls over- to watch movies
I find with my 16 yr old, I can bring stuff up with her friends around, and they will take the bait and start discussing it, but if it was just her and I , she would be just as likely to see what I was doing, and go to her room.</p>
Maybe because our doctor is a female and has several daughters of her own her approach is a little different.</p>