Please help...need advice...are they about to

Parent Cafe
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Sharon, if you want to TELL your daughter, in a calm direct way that you disapprove and do not think that teens should be having sex until they are older – that’s fine. Of course a parent should say how they feel. </p>

<p>But the problem is that you aren’t going to stop it from happening by “getting in the way of it” - it doesn’t work that way. As long as your daughter perceives you as open to listening to how she feels and thinks of you as being reasonable, she may listen to and consider your opinion. But as soon as she perceives you as trying to control her life or make decisions for her, then she is going to tend to be resistant and shut you out – and then she won’t be listening to what you say or your advice either. </p>

<p>So I think that the only way a parent can really control a teenager is by exerting real, physical control – such as grounding the kid or taking away access to a car. Obviously there are situations where that sort of parental control is warranted – and parents who are very strict with curfews or rules about dating often are exercising that sort of control. </p>

<p>But you’ve already made the decision to allow your daughter to date and to spend hours of her time alone with the boy, which means you do not have control. Unless you are going to go to the park with them and sit in your daughter’s lap, you have no control over what goes on with the “cuddling”. </p>

<p>When my daughter was with her boyfriend, early on, and I found out that she was sitting in her parked car with him late at night for hours, “talking” – I told her that I would prefer she come home, but if she wasn’t going to come to my house, that she should at least go to his house and get indoors, because I didn’t feel it was safe for the two of them to be sitting outside in the car at that hour. (At least if she was in his house in his bedroom, they weren’t going to get accosted by strangers and robbed). </p>

<p>Maybe your comfort level is different - my d. is also one of those very worldly, mature types who just has always acted several years older than her chronological age, and the boyfriend issue arose after she had spent a semester living abroad – and she isn’t really the emotionally vulnerable type. I’ve actually worried more about the boy all along – he is the quiet, sensitive type and I think he would be absolutely devastated if she wanted to break up. </p>

<p>But my point is: you can’t “stand in the way” and then also give them the opportunity to spend time together and expect to be effective. Much better to have some frank, open talks – don’t lecture, don’t threaten, but talk about how you feel and also listen openly and positively to what your daughter wants to share about her own feelings. That doesn’t mean you have to approve or agree if she tells you she really feels ready for sex, but her feelings are hers alone, and you will learn more by listening than trying to force a change. </p>

<p>The same goes in reverse: as long as you talk about your own feelings she can’t argue – she can’t deny that YOU feel worried or frightened about the direction of this relationship. </p>

<p>I had another issue come up, before the serious boyfriend, where my daughter was being asked out by a 22 year old man. Of course I felt she was way too young. But I listened and offered up my concerns, but kept telling her that the choice was up to her. She decided to turn down the date, but she also confided in me that a good friend, age 17, was involved very seriously with a 23-year-old and concealing it from her parents. So again - I’d rather be in the position of knowing my d. was doing something that I was not comfortable with, than in the position of not knowing at all. </p>

<p>I viewed the last couple of years of high school as a transitional time, when I was starting to let go and give my daughter the option to make her own choices, and at the same time there to guide and advise. I am glad in hindsight that I did that, as I think my daughter did give a lot of thought to her choices.</p>

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<p>Calmom’s post is wonderful. I just wanted to add that if you handle the situation the way you currently are, by trying to get in the way of their relationship and openly disapproving, you are making it much more likely that your daughter will neglect to practice safe sex or come to you with any sexual-related problems. She will not feel comfortable turning to you if something happens during/after sex that worries her (signs of STDs, significant pain, suspected pregnancy, “date rape,” etc.) because she will be afraid of facing even more disapproval or an “I told you so.” By trying to get in the way of them having sex, I’m assuming you won’t be providing any safe sex information or materials. If the boy really has cheated on her and had sex with somebody else or is a questionable character, it is vital that your daughter knows that it’s safe sex or no sex. She may not even be aware of how she can access safer sex materials. She should also also inform her gyn of the development. Her safety should come above you trying to prevent her from having sex (since it’s unlikely that it will work).</p>

<p>Even though I do not approve of your methods, one idea is to explain to her about getting the HPV vaccine (Gardasil). It is only effective if the patient does not already have HPV. It is most effective, then, for girls who are not yet sexually active. There are three injections over a period of six months. If she believes and cares about this, you may be able to buy yourself another six months. It has the more important benefit of protecting your daughter from HPV.</p>

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<p>Sharon, </p>

<p>Oops… I’m sorry I wrote my last response in that fashion; it was not supposed to be interpreted in that way. I meant, albeit I had sex, I still did well; not: having sex made me do well in life. It made me more mature because my girlfriend and I were speculating months before and were ready. And second, the act itself should act as a stepping stone (lol sorry if it sounds weird or disgusting), and I don’t know, I acted more careful after that pivotal event in my life. I am still with my lovely, smart, and beautiful girlfriend now and she means the world to me. Perhaps that is why I do not regret my decision or will ever regret it. Someone above me emphasized casual sex… let’s just say that my first time was not at all casual :).</p>

<p>That relationship with your daughter is really something.</p>

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<p>Also… some of you guys are portraying teenagers having sex at 14 or 15 as premature and abnormal… You should come to my school where people see girls dropping out due to pregnancy regularly and where 70% of the friends that I have have already done the supposed “despicable” act. These are good kids too.</p>

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<p>“Maybe when you are watching the chick flick with your daughter, it will be a good time to sneak in some observations about relationships – so many of them are about a girl torn between two guys, with one of them (usually the one she’s already engaged to) being a cad. So without talking about your daughter’s boyfriend, it’s a good time to sneak in some motherly observations about relationships. (Boy, did I have a lot to say when I used to watch “Sex and the City” with my daughter! Lots of opportunities to point out the dumb mistakes the women were making with the wrong guys!)”</p>

<p>That is excellent advice. Sometimes, if you happend upon info you shouldn’t be privy too, you can use it to your advantage. I did/do this with my kids (yeah, I’m a snoop) and they are constantly amazed that I can come up with seemingly random bits of wisedom right when they need it most. :)</p>

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<p>I shared this thread with my 16 y/o d, who hasn’t yet dated and at the moment plans to wait until college before becoming seriously involved with anyone. (Her verbatim statement was: “I’m not gonna have sex in high school because we shook on it.” :slight_smile: ) Her feeling was that she’d prefer her own 16 y/o kid to have sex in the context of a year-long relationship than to have her wait until going off to college and then practicing the random hookups that are so common there. I realize, Sharon, that you certainly don’t want that, either! But it was interesting to me to see how the 16 y/o mind works.</p>

<p>Most of my d’s friends are virgins - she told me that, at her recent sleepover birthday party, they played some kind of “Truth” game in which it turned out that even those girls who had steady boyfriends were pretty sexually inexperienced. However, she has several less-close friends who are sexually active, all of them in the context of long-term (many months) relationships. If there are kids practicing college-style random hookups in my d’s hs, she doesn’t know them.</p>

<p>Her other comment on this thread was that she feels that teens are entitled to an expectation of privacy, just as adults are. After a bit more discussion, we agreed that, when a life might be jeopardized because of drugs, mental illness, an eating disorder, etc., the parent’s responsibility to protect their child trumps that expectation. But her feeling was that sexual activity didn’t fit that description. I’m still pondering.</p>

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<p>azsxdc:thanks for your last comment and I was thinking you were a girl so my thoughts were “why as a girl did you feel that becoming sexually active at an early age made your more mature and a better person”. I can actually understand it much more now knowing you’re a guy. I also have a s that is 26and we have talked about it at great lengths and he is concerned that if his “little sister” involves her heart, soul, and body to the wrong boy that doesn’t really love her like he says he does and isn’t as commited to this realationship as she is, she will be devastated when it’s over. He isn’t denying that she might truly love this boy but does this boy truly love her (as much as a 17 boy can) or is he just after one thing? Of course he wants to go “pay him a visit and take a few of his larger friends with him” but that isn’t the answer…is it??? Just kidding. He says his sister is very trusting and sweet and and he can tell she just adores this boy but can he be trusted with something that is very special and is he going to respect her afterwards? His words…not mine. If they break up before he leaves this fall or shortly afterward is she going to be so heartbroken it changes how she feels about herself and how she respects herself? I also that what you are saying about so many kids much younger at your school and at alot of schools being sexually active but that doesn’t make it smart, healthy, or right…just common. Thanks for your input as a young guy.</p>

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He can find sex a lot easier than in a one year relationship with a shy girl who has an protective mother.</p>

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<p>Hi!</p>

<p>I have been reading through most of threads with interest.
DH and I have always been open to talking and my 16yodd does not like it too much.</p>

<p>However we are very open people and she knows where we stand on things. I am not against “premarital sex” so that may have something to do with it.</p>

<p>At the same time, I do explain “biology” of sex to her and I think that is very important. She understands that guys want sex, which is a “duh” really in this day and age, and I explained that women can “get attached” biologically to a man through sex. </p>

<p>If my dd was in a long term relationship, I guess I would not expect her to remain a virgin. However I explain that she is signing herself up for risks of diseases & pregnancy and emotional attachment that can lead to heartache and changing the course of your life.</p>

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<p>KSHE95: Thanks for your response and you seem to be in the majority in your personal beliefs that premarital sex is ok and that is your opinion and I respect that. However, premarital sex and sex between a 16 and a 17 year old that are a LONG way from getting married and probably WON’T even marry each other is totally different. I just don’t see any positives in this at this young of an age and if anyone can come up with any please let me know. </p>

<p>All I keep hearing is stop being overprotective, stop comparing your past to what your d may or may not do, stop invading her privacy, in other words stop parenting. If our d was not a sensitive, deep, emotional, and trusting person it might be easier to step back and see what she might do without any input from us but this is not the case. I know plenty of girls her age and younger that have this kind of parenting and it never ceases to amaze me to hear they have no curfew, have been sexually active since 14 or 15, drink or do drugs, and have no abitions after graduating from high school…if they even make it that far. Why do people have children of they don’t want to take the time and the effort to raise them…not saying we don’t make mistakes but the worst mistake is not even trying. I think our children can recover from the mistakes we make out of love but those made out of non-involvement or being too busy to show concern are very hard to overcome.</p>

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<p>Why don’t you just ask your daughter those questions? If she’s mature I’m sure she’s thought these things through. Is she naive? None of my friends had any expectation that a high school relationship would survive into college. And since we really spread out around the Country chances were we’d be to far. We all joke that we’ll meet up again in NYC after college where many will head, at grad schools and HS reunions (that really do result in many marriages at my school).</p>

<p>In regard to your last post SharonD, I attended one of the most competitive prep schools in the Country, kids need to have ivy like stats to get in. Pleanty of people there were sexually active at 15 and tried alcohol and drugs. They are very ambitious and all are at top colleges.</p>

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<p>It isn’t only children with latchkey or uninvolved parents who are having sex in high school. If “taking the time to and effort to raise them” means being an authoritarian parent, you will see that most of that parenting backfires. There are plenty of kids who sneak around, have sex, do drugs, etc. with overprotective parents. Likewise, there are plenty of kids who are not having sex, not drinking or doing drugs, whose parents are not in the slightest authoritarian.</p>

<p>It is far more likely that your daughter WILL have sex prematurely if you continue down this invasive path, than if you sat down and had an honest discussion with her.</p>

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<p>Based on a many years of experience teaching Sex Ed and even more years as a parent here’s my .02 worth.</p>

<p>You have explained to your daughter how you feel and she knows the values she has been raised with. If you haven’t already done so, stress with her the huge responsibility that goes along with becoming sexually active. Make sure that she understands that adult choices inherently come with adult responsibilities. I would make it very clear to her that it is your strong preference that she remains a virgin, however should she decide otherwise then she needs to come to you so that she can be as well-protected physically as possible. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to ensure she’s well-protected emotionally. I would also stress to her that one of the highest risk groups for STI’s is young women on birth control and that using condoms is not negotiable with her boyfriend. </p>

<p>After that all you can do is trust her to make good decisions.</p>

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<p>It isn’t only children with latchkey or uninvolved parents who are having sex in high school. If “taking the time to and effort to raise them” means being an authoritarian parent, you will see that most of that parenting backfires. There are plenty of kids who sneak around, have sex, do drugs, etc. with overprotective parents. Likewise, there are plenty of kids who are not having sex, not drinking or doing drugs, whose parents are not in the slightest authoritarian.</p>

<p>* raising hand*</p>

<p>yes I had sex when I was 15-
No my girls havent
I am very involved with them- to the point that D1 didn’t get her drivers liscense till she was graduated from college- I drove her- she took the bus or carpooled. I didn’t forbid her to drive, far from it, she did take drivers ed in high school, but we didn’t have anything for her to drive & she didn’t really need to.
( saved money too)
I had turned to boys as a hobby out of boredom, but both my husband and I have done a lot to nurture their interests since they were toddlers.</p>

<p>Keeping busy and active keeps a lot of kids out of trouble:)</p>

<p>Another thing that I tried to do since they were little, was give them controlled choice and help them learn to make their own decisions. I always felt that an authoritarian parenting style until they were 18, then expecting them to make good choices when they haven’t had much experience with that much autonomy was asking for trouble.</p>

<p>Yes it was difficult, but they have gotten to practice living with consequences with little things, and gained confidence ( I hope) with each attempt, and I just can’t even tell you how impressed I am with their thoughtfulness and maturity.</p>

<p>With my younger D and her friends, who are all amazing, beautiful, talented girls, they seem to have made the decision to have their friendship be the primary relationships in high school, not a romantic relationship.</p>

<p>They have observed how boyfriends have affected other girls, affected their schoolwork, their friendships with each other, and while they have friends with boys, and aren’t critical of others who have a boyfriend, their lives are just too busy to focus on one boy.</p>

<p>It really depends on the child, some boys and girls I know, find someone they really can relate to in high school, and it is a very important relationship and helps each of them grow.</p>

<p>Others get in a relationship that isn’t so positive, but they must be getting something out of it to stay with it. While identifying what they are getting out of a negative relationship is something even adults still are working on, talking to a counselor who could help her identify why she feels attached to someone who has treated her badly, may help her from entering that sort of attachment in the future</p>

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<p>SharonD: I am your age. I am the parent of a daughter. I was a somewhat callous, immature 17-year-old boy once upon a time.</p>

<p>You are not “listening” to anyone here. Your behavior towards your daughter and her boyfriend is not within normal bounds. You are being dishonest and counterproductive. You should stop.</p>

<p>There is nothing wrong with loving your daughter deeply. There is nothing wrong with worrying about her, or with trying to protect her. But you have a couple of binary choices in how you do that. You can be honest or dishonest, and you’ve chosen dishonesty, which is rarely a good choice. You can attempt to shield her physically, without regard to her wishes, or you can try to get her to agree with you. The first requires practical imprisonment, is not very popular, and seems not to work very well for anything but getting kids to leave home and to break off their relationships with their parents. You don’t seem to want to do that, either. But you are doing nothing constructive on the second front, and your dishonesty may be making you completely ineffective there.</p>

<p>You should also ask yourself, “Am I really confident that I know my daughter better than she herself does?” Chances are, you don’t. That doesn’t mean that your daughter might not get hurt emotionally if she decides to have sex now. But it may mean that your daughter has made a fairly rational judgment that now is the right time to risk that hurt, and that the amount of hurt here may be less than with other possibilities, etc. Most women I know made just that sort of internal calculation at some point in their later teens. The vast majority of them handled it successfully and emerged as fine, mainly happy adults.</p>

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<p>JHS’s comments, especially the last paragraph are wise. And seque into this-
Your daughter is going to do something. Whatever you say to her. Either she will or not, and it won’t have a whole lot to do with what you say (I take that back, it will a mini-bit). Point is, you are not her id. I remember my mom finding my pills and throwing them away, having her talk with me, and saying, don’t do it Katie, I love you, please don’t…and she went away very pleased with herself thinking that I had changed my mind and life was good again. Yeah right.
Be there for her. Tell her what you think, by all means. I do to mine, my mom did for me. But always let her know that you are there for her no matter what. You are a good mom. You are doing the right thing. Let her know how much you love her, how love works or doesn’t, and that you will always be there for her. But nothing wrong with letting her know what you advise. That’s your job, to advise. She’ll take it or leave it.</p>

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<p>JHS: Don’t be so hard on yourself…most boys at the age of 17 are/were somewhat immature and callous and that is exactly why I don’t want d to have sex with this boy…she is only 16 and he is almost 18. Why do so many people here seem to encourage taking the risk of getting hurt by having sex too soon? Again I ask…what are the positives here? I mean I have yet to hear anyone say WHY they think it’s ok, only that SHE needs to be using contraception, and SHE needs to have the HPV vaccination, and SHE needs to learn about STD’s…what about him? Where are his responsibilities, should I call his parents and give them the heads up that ‘little Johnny’ might need some condoms and to talk to him about the importance of using them correctly? I think it would be a good idea if he were also tested for STD’s too just in case. I bet they would just love to hear that their golden haired, soccer playing, eagle scout son is trying to bed our d. It is also odd that no one here has made one comment about her boyfriend possibly struggling with more of an attachment to our d if/after they do have sex or having a problem if they break up afterwards. Is that because most teenage boys can do the deed and never look back? There is a huge difference in how most young decent girls view their first sexual experience as opposed to how boys view it.</p>

<p>And how dare you call me dishonest or say that my behavior is out of bounds…I don’t think there is any set way to act when you find out that your d maybe getting ready to have sex at the age of 16. I am really beginning to understand why there are sooo many teens out there that are sexually active…there are too many parents that are giving them signals that’s fine, normal, expected and no big deal. This just blows my mind!</p>

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<p>emeraldkity4: how do you know your girls haven’t had sex yet?</p>

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<p>corranged: d is not shy…she is modest…huge difference. If there is a time to be overprotective I think now is the time. There isn’t any one thing I am going to say that will make her decide to have sex or not to have sex but I am still going to say it because that is my job. If she does it anyway and they stay together forever then wonderful…if he breaks up with her shortly after he can add a notch to his belt and she can cry her eyes out and be embarrassed and wish she had made a better choice. I will be there for her either way but what is wrong with trying to spare her the heartbreak?</p>

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<p>SharonD, we’re advising about what SHE needs to do because SHE is your child. If you were the boy’s mother, we would advise what HE should do. It’s that simple. You have some influence over your daughter; you have none over him. </p>

<p>And if you want to make sure that your daughter never tells you anything important, contact her boyfriend’s parents. (And I say this as the mother of a 17 year old girl.)</p>