<p>Hi everyone, thanks for coming. I’m 16 years old, and will be going to college in the fall. Over winter break, my mother asked for a divorce. She told me before she told my dad, and she also told me about her boyfriend. My dad doesn’t know about him. The divorce is in the process of being finalized, and some of the agreements include my dad paying her about 10-20k a year, plus giving her a lot of the furnature, photo albums, etc. My mom has a part-time job, working two times a week, she said that she doesn’t feel like working more than that. The thing is, my mom keeps telling me about things she’s done with her boyfriend (they go out all the time and have also had sex) but keeps saying that my dad can’t find out because she wants her money. She has also said “if he asked me to give up everything and go with him, I would.” My dad has been so good to me my entire life, and I feel so guilty for not telling him, especially because they’re not even divorced yet, she’s doing all these things with him, and since he’s given/going to give her so many items and so much money. My mother, on the other hand, has a history of being semi-emotionally abusive, and physically abusive a handful (like maybe 5ish times). My dad has always protected me from that, though, as best as he can. So my question is: am I being disloyal to my dad by not saying anything? If you were him would you want to know? I don’t know what to do, any imput would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much! ^_^</p>
<p>What makes you think that your Dad does not know?</p>
<p>Do you have siblings?</p>
<p>I’m positive my dad does not know, and my mom says that she agrees. Please believe me when I say that I am absolutely, 100% positive that my dad does not know. I know him well enough to be sure of that. And no, I do not have any siblings.</p>
<p>Rainbow – I’m so sorry that you are caught up in such a difficult situation. I think you should tell your parents that you’d like to meet with a counselor/psychologist to help you through this, and then you can discuss the problem with this therapist in confidence. In general, I think you should know that your parents are responsible for their relationship with one another, and you should not be in the middle of it. If I were in your shoes, I’d ask my mother not to confide in me, and try to maintain a positive relationship with both parents – remember, they are divorcing one another, not you.</p>
<p>Thank you for your response. I think I’m going to talk to my guidance counselor on Monday and she what she thinks. Does anyone else have an opinion on this?</p>
<p>Why is your mother telling you these things? How much of what she tells you do you think is really true?</p>
<p>I’m not sure why she’s telling me everything…maybe she just wants to talk? I think almost all (if not everything) is true. For example, on Christmas morning she snuck out of the house to talk to him on the phone for an hour, and she has had me distract my dad sometimes so she could spend the day with him.</p>
<p>Rainbowwings - I believe your mother is using you. There is no way a mother should tell her child this type of thing and instruct you not to tell your father. That’s selfish and wrong. I’m no psychologist, but it strikes me that she may enjoy all this, since what she is doing is scoring points off your father by wielding some power over you. Your father protected you from her, and now she is using you as a pawn by holding power over you (giving you information, then using emotional blackmail to keep you from telling him) against her husband. It’s a sneaky, nasty way of scoring points off him. </p>
<p>Again, I am no psychologist, but if I were you I would tell her right away that you refuse to be a party to information about her private life, her boyfriend, or her sex life. Tell her you are her child, not a marriage counselor, and you do not want to hear anything - not a word - more about it. And furthermore, I would tell her that you will immediately tell your father about anything that she chooses to divulge to you from this moment on. (I would leave the past to the past.) This will take away her power over your father, and may stop her putting you in the middle.</p>
<p>No child, of any age, should be put in the position you’ve been put in. You may want to consult a trained person, such as a school psychologist or your minister/rabbi. You need someone who will not be on the side of either your mom or your dad (regardless of which of them may be in the right) - you need someone who is on YOUR side.</p>
<p>Good luck, and God bless.</p>
<p>It means a lot to me that you wrote all of that, and I agree with what you said. Thank you so much. ^_^</p>
<p>Maybe I was being too strong about this, and I may be reading too much between the lines. But my general advice was the same (cross posted) of sjmom. And I do thing it’s correct - get help from someone trained and with no agenda but to help you.</p>
<p>You stated it very well, Hayden. I agree that the mom is being somewhat manipulative and your suggestion about refusing to hear anything else in confidence is a good one.</p>
<p>Thank you for answering everyone, you’re all so nice. ^^ So…if you were my dad…would you want to know?</p>
<p>I agree that you should tell your parents that you want to see a counselor privately. IMO you don’t need to tell all the details that led you to this reasonable conclusion.</p>
<p>I agree that you should not listen to your mother about her affair–leave the room, cover your ears, stay away from her if necessary.</p>
<p>IMO you should not do anything further to facilitate her activities, e.g. distract your Dad. </p>
<p>I am not so sure about the advice to tell your Mom that you will divulge everything from now on. I don’t know if you should commit yourself to a course of action; I don’t know if you should give her the power to make you, his beloved daughter, the means by which he learns of her actions. I don’t know that you should give her the opportunity to “call your bluff”. </p>
<p>If you ever tell, perhaps, or presumably, your mother will deny everything anyways. Where will that leave you?</p>
<p>Instead, I think you should first find a counselor and make every determined effort to avoid hearing the information.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, that you are alone in the middle of this very nasty situation, being subject to what I would consider to be mistreatment from your own mother. I believe that you will feel better when you have someone trained and unbiased to talk to. I admire your strength and heart at this very difficult time.</p>
<p>You asked if I would want to know if I were your dad. Well, I believe whether I would want to know or not is beside the point. The point is, I would not want to know from you, since it would hurt me to know you were in the middle. </p>
<p>To quote sjmom once more, your parents are responsible for their relationship (very wise words). That includes what they know about each other. </p>
<p>If you had reason to believe that someone is a physical danger to themselves or to others, you have a responsibility to let someone know.</p>
<p>edit: I just read adad’s post. While I see your point, I suggested that action only if she persists in saying things after being requested to stop. If she persists, then laying out this course of action puts the decision squarely back on the mother’s shoulders, not on rainbow’s.</p>
<p>Would I want to know?</p>
<p>I have a daughter, who is not so old as you. Here’s what I think–JMO, not having been through this.</p>
<p>No. I wouldn’t want to know.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Even if I didn’t know, I would figure that some such thing is going on, or why else suddenly the divorce?</p></li>
<li><p>Why do I need to know? The divorce is already in process. I would not want to get into an enormous fight; I would want the divorce to be over as soon as possible so I could get on with my life. As for the money, if I can afford it then I’m not going to go to war with the mother of my daughter over it, and in the process engulf my daughter (and other kids) in the resulting mire. (If my situation were as yours, I’d probably be glad about the divorce, glad that you are almost out of high school, and I’d just want to get it over with.)</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Maybe it is just me. But, I am not a combative person and I would not go to war over this news.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>No matter how bad my wife might be, I would still want my kids to have a good relationship with her. I think that is important. And how can they have a good relationship with both parties if they are passing on confidences, if they are actually players in the divorce proceedings?</p></li>
<li><p>I don’t want to have to look back on the day that my daughter gave me this news. I want to be able to look at my daughter without such a memory.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>JMO.</p>
<p>I think hayden gave you wonderfully put, wonderful advice. I think ADad has added a lot by his post. Whether your dad would want to know or not, I don’t think it should come from you. It is way too much of a burden that you even have to think about this, let alone decide whether you owe it your dad to tell him, let alone actually tell him.</p>
<p>I hope you follow hayden’s wonderful advice to tell your mother that you do not want to hear one more word, and that you will feel free to repeat anything she tells you from this moment forward. I don’t think you actually <em>should</em> repeat it, but I would hope that this would inspire her to stop “confiding.” It is terribly inappropriate and , imo, its own form of abuse.</p>
<p>I hope you feel comfortable telling your mother of the decision that you don’t want to listen, and enforcing that decision by walking away, closing your door etc. I think it may not be easy, but you deserve to be free of this at least from this point forward.</p>
<p>To add to what others have said, get to the private counselor BUT while you are there talk also about the abuse , both physical and mental perpetrated on you by mom.(Five times? I don’t care if its one time. It needs to be addressed.) Do you intend to live with mom? It’s got to be worked on before you are at her mercy without dad there to protect you . She’s already offered that new beau is in her life and possibly more important than her relationship with you (leave everything and go-how touching). Dear girl, they have no right to do this to you. Get some help and protect yourself. You’ve done nothing to deserve this.</p>
<p>Came to this late and I’m sorry. I also echo Hayden’s advice. </p>
<p>I also wrote in another thread earlier this evening something to the effect of : Everyone needs to be an adult. This includes parents not using their children as pieces on the post-marital chessboard or expecting their children to be spies/agents. For children thrust into “maturity” so early, this means not accepting being used as a pawn, spy, or agent.</p>
<p>Where I would demurr a bit from Hayden’s advice is that I would not tell your father anything. He will deal with things as he knows, or doesn’t know. Meanwhile, imo, you need to maintain your own integrity and dignity intact…it’s the only way for you to minimize getting spattered with emotional mud down the road…once you become an active participant in their dynamic, it’s too late. Imo. Good luck.</p>
<p>And, yes, seeing a counselor might be a very good thing to do.</p>
<p>Another thing I thought of overnight:</p>
<p>If you threaten your Mom, she can threaten you back.</p>
<p>Possibly:</p>
<p>“I’ll never speak to you again.”</p>
<p>“You’ll never go to college.”</p>
<p>“I’ll get even with you.”</p>
<p>I am so glad that you are able to see that so many people are pulling for you and are available to offer their good advice.</p>
<p>I have nothing new to add. I only want to re-emphasize what I see as most important: you. Please DO get a counselor whose only interest is in you. No parent should ever do what your mom has done. It’s not your burden to bear. You should be focused on your own concerns right now, and a good counselor (perhaps NOT your high school guidance counselor) can help you get back to that as well as helping you deal with whatever trauma you may have suffered in the past.</p>
<p>I am very sorry you are in this situation. You don’t deserve it. It’s someone else’s mistake, and you sound as if you are bearing up very well. I also think you must make it very clear to your mom that you will simply walk away from any further “confidences.” It’s terribly unfair, and if she doesn’t see that, perhaps you can write her a letter that expresses what a terrible burden it is to you to bear them.</p>
<p>I wish you well. I hope your life becomes much more peaceful. Please get your own outside help.</p>