Just remember that there will be bumps in the roads for everyone.
You know the parable about the tortoise and the hare. My oldest is the tortoise. Slow and steady he has always been. No gifted program, graduated in the top 40% of his HS class lol! He did well on his ACT’s but applied to state schools that he wouldn’t have to write essays for.
I had to hear all the wonderful children who were gifted and talented and never, ever struggled. They had the best opportunities! My poor child, who got into all these small state schools!
This kid went to college and shined. Like I said, he is the tortoise! He did great there and through hard work and some luck got great internships. Even in college school didn’t come so easy as it did for other kids, he had to work hard but he was used to it.
Now my S is out of college with a great job and a wonderful girlfriend who we plan will be our DIL.
SouthernHope, this is a great start to the rest of your child’s life. I can’t say that all those kids who were friends with my S aren’t floundering. Some are, some aren’t. Some are still finding their way and some are doing great. None are superstars but my kid is doing just as well or better than all of his friends who did better in HS and were admitted to “better” schools than he did.
Deb922…I know you were writing to SouthernHope, but I loved your post and it brought more tears to my eyes. You could have been writing about my son. Quite an emotional response that her email raised within me. I’ve been so pragmatic about the whole thing…I truly believe what I tell my son when he’s low (we had another discussion this weekend). But this is the first time that I have really felt some of his pain. You are right in all the things you said, and I know it. I just had a hard time today with the bragging. Actually, I really think this is the first time I’ve heard or read it so blatantly from someone I know. This is a very nice woman, so it sort of shocked me.
dmd77…I have that book reserved for me at the library…thanks.
Feeling for you conmama and afraid we will be sailing in that same boat a week from now. Tears from her last night, tears today for me while we make this hard decision. Hugs.
There are parents who are clueless about how their good news might grate on others and there are parents who know full well and take sadistic pleasure in sending those “AMAZING NEWS!” emails. I think sending an email to a parent of classmate who did not get the school he wanted puts the emailing parent in the second camp.
It doesn’t matter how much anybody’s paying or not paying. Sometimes the news can just hurt. It doesn’t take anything away from the one kid’s accomplishment’s to be sad for the other kid.
Parents, and kids, could all stand to be thoughtful in this season of decisions. Yep,we can still be joyful, and should be; but we should also be mindful. It’s not difficult.
This is a reason I have stayed off Facebook or send Christmas letters. My kids and our family and my close friends know I am proud. Who cares about the masses. Sorry you are blue - totally understand.
@conmama, @SouthernHope both of you have my total sympathy and big hugs. It hurts to see our kids disappointed and to see others (apparently or actually) gloating. It will wear off after a while, but it is hard while it lasts. I can only thank doG that FB wasn’t in play in 2008!
My one piece of advice for this kind of situation, given to me by a wise friend: “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.”
I enjoy seeing these announcements on FB as I have friends who are scattered around the world, and I like to hear how their kids are doing. However, there is a way to announce this with tact and some people do cross this line. I think that this time in senior year is the hardest, but soon, the students are off to their own colleges and with new peer groups and those peers are all going to the same college. They will also meet other students that made the same decision they did- attended due to finances, or acceptance, and others. There will be a wide range of student circumstances wherever they go.
Maybe the best advice I can give Southern Hope is : this too shall pass. And congrats to your daughter.
Try to keep in mind that these announcements are for the kid, to give kudos and to encourage through a scary time of much change. Some kids are mortified to advertise where they are going to go. How could a parent NOT say “We are proud…” in their announcement? I mean, “Little Stevie is going to Big State U. Big Whoop.” This is not an option. Neither is “While Little Precious was waitlisted at many, many schools, and rejected from five, we are proud to announce that we’ll be taking on 200K of debt so that she can go to Fancy Pants University!” I mean, get real. There’s nothing wrong with “We’re proud to be UCLA parents.” or whatever they wrote. As long as they don’t CONTINUE to post day after day the same thing, parents should be proud in these announcements. On the other hand, the “Little Precious” option might be refreshing. Who’s first?
I think also the context is important. Redpoodles has a good point. One of my friends has an older son who is a top achiever. The accolades on FB were over the top. However, if you know this family, they are not the kind of people to brag for the sake of it. It was all for the child. Child #2 isn’t a top student, and they were exacly the same way with him, cheering for every acceptance at colleges that were not on Child #1’s list. They also cheer on FB for every concern performance, soccer game whatever, the message being : we are proud of our kids. This is just their way of showing that they are proud of their kid at Big Name College and also just as pround of their kid at Not so Big Name college.
OK, I’ve got you all beat. Listen to this story. I’m not making a word of this up.
My oldest at the elite university did very well on his ACT, and was recruited to play soccer at said university. The soccer community really highlighted this, so his accomplishments were well-known within the club.
My youngest son also played soccer at the same club. He had a teammate whose family I was sorta friendly with–we would talk occasionally at soccer games. But we never socialized outside of the soccer field.
Now, this teammate of my youngest son had a younger brother (who was not a soccer player) who was very gifted and he scored a 36 on his ACT. I had not talked to this family in two years, after both of our sons who played soccer together graduated. But one day, I picked up the phone, and it was the mother who just had to tell me that her younger son scored a 36 on his ACT.
And get this–she had to call another friend of mine because she didn’t have my number. So she had to track me down to tell me this information.
I feel for the OP. And everyone. It’s hard not to at least announce where your kid is going, this time of year. But there are many ways to convey it. No need to say Precious worked so hard and blah blah blah. Because the truth is, my kid worked her tail off to get Bs.
My situation is my daughter is taking a gap year. She had some mental health issues and emotional immaturity and last fall she was in no position to complete applications. She is doing much better now but of course is not enrolling in college in the fall. We have been practicing saying breezily, Oh yes, she’s taking a gap year to work on her jewelry business. But I really don’t know what the future holds.
Her brother is doing phenomenally at a top LAC so people often say, don’t you want to go to XYZ with your brother? When she really would never be admitted. I guess they are trying to be nice.
It’s times like these when you find out who your real friends are.
@MichiganGeorgia - I don’t think that was the case. There were other parents of players on the soccer team that she was much closer with. And she was close with her extended family from the conversations I had with her.
I know she was very proud, so I don’t begrudge her that. But I just didn’t understand her tracking me down.
Oh I just have to comment. I have also had bad experiences hearing all about the special snowflakes but early on, way before college. I faced this early on in elementary school when parents actually came to me and boasted of their exceptionally smart children. My kid had autism and started out in a SpEd program. I had one parent tell me her problems were opposite of mine because her kid was smart! Then she whipped out a video of her kid playing piano to show how talented he also was. Yes she carried around a video of her kid playing piano so she could shove it in other parent’s faces. Another parent told me her daughter would never be in a classroom with my son because her daughter was identified as GATE. This was never ending. It went on for years. My kid also watched other kids get selected for things he was left out of, the worst being a high school program he really wanted. The piano kid was selected. Mine was left behind and was devastated.
I just don’t understand some of these parents!!! Education “competitions” such as GATE programs, high school choice program, and college bring out the worst in people.
Now, years later, as a high school Jr my kid has actually pulled ahead academically of most of all the kids that he was once separated from. His scores are at the top, in spite of his difficulties. In the mean time I have watched many of these other kids crash and burn. I vowed to never ever boast in front of another parent because I remember the pain it cause - but boy is it tempting sometimes, after all those years of abuse. I just want to seek those parents out and say see he is just as good as or perhaps even better academically as your kid. Maybe I will pull what the parent in @skrlvr 's post did and place a few phone calls…OK no I wont but I daydream of this.
Hang in there. The future is not determined by a single situation, such as a college choice (or like mine a high school choice). Kids are resilient and this too shall pass, although not without some pain.
I feel your distress, OP and conmama. Have been through many disappointments and “rejections” with my very nice and capable but non-superstar kids. The college admissions are just one milestone in a very long and sometimes very complicated road. I hope for the best for all these kids but we don’t know how life will turn out for any of them. I’m also not fond of the over-posting on social media - e.g., I appreciate that Redpoodles’ friends love their kids and want to give them equal time, cheering on Facebook for soccer games? How much do most people care? and how much recognition and applause do we think our kids need for every little thing?
My D who is graduating this year definitely had to narrow down her choices based on $$$$. Attend Loyola Chicago for only $30,000 + loans?! No can do! Bad decision!
When she made her decision and the deposit was paid a couple of weeks ago, I did announce it on FB. I posted a picture of her standing in front of the school entry sign and I posted these words:
Next stop, Fall 2015!!! #thatsmygirl!
People know where she is going. They know I’m proud. If they want to judge the school as good or bad or whatever - that’s their call! No big pomp and circumstance needed or wanted!
Good points, @Redpoodles and @pennylane2011 and @abasket – and I actually love seeing news of friends’ children…it’s how i keep in touch with them…its not that I think they’re bragging as much as it leaves me second-guessing our financial decisions…and bemoaning that money has to be the decider at the end of the day rather than fit or great professors or intriguing parts of the country…but i"m cool with it…it was just a twinge this morning. I can look at Teslas on the road…but i’m happy with our Subaru.
