I am so glad you posted this. You are not alone. It is painful to not feel able to let your child take advantage of what they have wanted, worked for, and earned. I am still struggling with it. I think my D is moving on, and dealing with it, perhaps better than I am. The school where she will be going is not at all what she hoped for. I still have the FA packages for the other schools on hand…and I keep finding myself looking at them, as though they will have magically changed, or if I do the math differently…sigh.
I really do think she can do well, and even thrive, at the school where she now plans to go, and there are some major points about it that I am very happy about (location being a big one) but I worry…what if she isn’t happy there? Then it may be 4 years of ‘what if’ we had just stretched and made it happen at one of the other schools.
And, yes, there is a bit of jealousy regarding those posts about kids who got their first choice, or some amazing school, and that sort of feeling that you need to explain…
I know that all this is normal, and just a part of the process for many, many students. We tried our best to avoid this situation, but… it is what it is.
I know we will move on and there is every chance that she will be happy, and in the long run, we will all feel that it worked out for the best.
Thanks for the forum to vent a little.
The application process has been hard, even though things ended up generally where we had hoped they would. D’s close circle of high achieving friends will be heading off in the fall to Columbia, Dartmouth, Hopkins, Middlebury, and Barnard. D, who took the same rigorous curriculum but was a solid B+ student, is very excited to be going to her somewhat lesser known top-50 LAC with great academics, a gorgeous campus, and an amazing community spirit. She worked hard to find the right fit; we worked hard to save for it, knowing that her merit aid might not be as high as that awarded to the top students. We’re as proud of our D as the 36-ACT person who called all of the soccer moms, though we haven’t notified as many people!
This is just one moment in time. It’s a little like negotiating through the orange cones in your driving test. You pass, you’re relieved, but you really are still just starting to learn how to drive. The important thing, obviously, is not where you got in to school, but what you do with it.
A year from now the h.s. class of 2015 will be involved in college activities, will have become best friends with dorm mates, and will have made the school “their own.” At least most of the kids. Others will have a blip, but most will end up back on their feet after a transfer, or some time off. As far as I can tell, very few parents hang on to the frustration (or disappointment, or ennui, whatever) that some of us feel now. I think it all disappears by the first parents weekend.
@lje62 Congrats on the exam result! We know a parent who is a CS prof at a near-Ivy institution. Brilliant S went to Princeton. Younger D went to Towson, absolutely loved it, thrived, and now has a wonderful job. In many ways she had a happier & more satisfying college experience than her brother.
I know someone whose daughter got into multiple top schools and announced them all on FB (kid ultimately went to Yale). I also know that their other child is a low-functioning autistic child who can’t even be left alone for an hour. So you know, you never know what else is going on in someone’s life.
So true, @evermom1. Each time I see the mother of the classmate of my S2, she tells me how happy her son is in college and how much he loves the small Christian environment, being on an athletic team, etc. But he has told my son he hates college, hates the “stifling” environment, hasn’t made friends, and is quitting his sport as soon as his dad “lets him”.
It’s common to feel that twinge of envy, but you never know what goes on behind the scenes or what hardships other families are facing.
Thanks MidwestDad3 ! I am hoping this will be the case for my daughter.
I really am not envious of any other kid’s schools and actually do enjoy reading the FB posts about colleges my friend’s kids are going to. Some of the posts go a bit overboard , but not to the point where it gets out of hand.
She still hasn’t received a decision from one of the schools she applied to , despite their website stating their decisions go out within two weeks of completed application. The two week mark was officially 4/2. There is a part of me that wants her to get accepted just to say that she did to a certain person who proclaimed that she wouldn’t get in 
Pizzagirl is right. We don’t know what is going on in any family.
I also consider context. One parent posted a child’s SAT scores in a private group on FB. She was asking for advice. I thought it was appropriate as she had some genuine questions about opportunities for her child. Some of the other parents also had children with similar academic records and were in a position to help. Several posters then accused her of bragging, but that was not the intent. I think this was hurtful to her.
Most of the students I know found their niche, and there’s a need for all kinds of aptitudes and students can excel in different ways. I understand the jealousy- there will always be someone achieving or doing something impressive, but we can define impressive in a lot of different ways.
Aw @SouthernHope, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. But I’m glad you have a safe place to express your very honest and human feelings.
I guess I’m lucky in that none of my D’s friends got into highly selective schools, or even applied to them. Yay for that! I love these type of threads because it gives me so much insight into how others might perceive our actions. What we might think is an innocuous post on FB might seem braggy to others. But that’s not going to stop me from announcing where my children are going to college.
As for feeling jealous, I read a post last year about someone who thought another parent was bragging because he always mentioned his child was in the honors program at college. Another poster said that it didn’t bother her because it just gave more insight into the child’s life, akin to playing tennis or being in the orchestra. Plus she said it’s helpful to remember that someone else’s success in no way diminishes your success or your child’s success. Just think of the events as individual and discrete occurrences, not intertwined with your child.
And one more thing, my D is finishing up her first year. And looking back, it didn’t matter where any of the kids went to school, be it a state school, private school, local, or across the country. Some were extremely happy and others weren’t. You just hope and pray your child will have a happy experience, wherever they end up. Feel better!
You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel at least a little bit this way. Rejection stings. Not being able to afford a “top choice” stings even more. Most kids don’t end up at their top choice, for whatever reason. In fact, most of them will be comparing notes on their new campuses in Aug / Sept. about where the “should be” instead of where they are (whether because they were denied, couldn’t afford, or whatever) They’ll bond and soon be best friends! Talk of transferring will wane as the year progresses. Our D and possibly our S would have made different choices if $$ were not an issue. Both of them got denied places they thought they had a shot it. Both of them, now wrapping up freshman year, are basically happy and very different kids than the ones we dropped off in late August. Congrats to your daughter. Some of the $$ you’re not spending on expensive U can be used for occasional mini-splurges and surprise care packages. It sounds to me like she’ll be better than fine.
One of my childhood best friend has an only child ( son ) who graduated last year. He is a brilliant kid with a perfect SAT score, seems pretty well rounded . He was invited to a few Ivies and applied to some top schools. He got rejected at almost all of them and it hit him hard. I think the most prestigious school he got into was Boston University , which he didn’t really like.
He ended up going to a state school in Fla and is really loving it ! Met his first girlfriend during the orientation. My friend was very quiet about it all when it came to social media and even when we chatted throughout the process.
My friends run the spectrum from very prestigious elite schools to non flagship state schools. My friends are also scattered all over the map economically. I too had to tell my daughter last year that some schools were out of the question because I don’t think any school is worth 60k! In ten years all this is not going to matter. The cream will rise to the top no matter where they went to school. Now all my friends that are posting pics of their grandkids…that’s another story. I had my kids late and I am very jealous that I won’t have a grandbaby to cuddle for a long time.
Last night I read a post on FB from my college roommate about her S, and I thought of this thread. Her S is going to a great school with a full scholarship. She announced it in a lovely way, being thankful for this opportunity for her S, but adding: “our celebration is tempered by the sober realization of the dozens, hundreds, thousands of kids who are equally deserving.”
No we don’t. Which is why I dislike posts that dismiss a child who is disappointed in college admissions. Just because a child is a top student with great EC’s , from an upper middle class background, etc. it does not mean that it is the first time that child has faced adversity in his/her life. We have no idea what struggles that child may have faced.
Two years ago I had a friend on Facebook that bragged about where her son was going to school , how proud she was and how wonderful his life will be because he was so smart and special. Meanwhile, I am the mom who is “in the know.” My kids and their friends are always telling me about the real scoop about the kids from their school. The kid was actually caught cheating, drinks a lot and was always getting into trouble. He is a bright underachiever ( and actually very pleasant to talk to). I had to read about the final countdown as the weeks and days passed until he finally left for school, she posted a dozen or so pics of the campus. It was truly annoying and I like hearing about all things college. ( Which is why I am still here!) Fast forward to the start of second semester and no daily update. Hmmm I wondered. I asked my daughters and was told that he failed out and was working as a short order cook.
I never made the big announcement as to where my children got accepted and about their decision. I was following their cue. They did not keep a running tally on social media either. I did post one pic of move in day for each kid. I think that was my announcement.
I don’t use facebook and one of the reasons that I don’t is that it often seems that the point of the whole thing is to post stuff so that other people are jealous. I realize that many people use it as a valuable tool for keeping in touch, but since I am older and fell out of touch years ago, there is really nothing there for me. My H has a facebook account and sometimes shows me posts that are so over the top bragging that it is really hysterical. Things like - today is my x anniversary with the PERFECT spouse, my love and life partner for x years and there is no one better in the entire universe etc. etc. I am glad that so and so is happy, and I hope everyone is happy with their spouse, and all should think that the spouse is the best in the universe - for them!!! Everyone else’s spouse is also the best in the universe - except those who are unhappy and looking for ways out. This goes for sons and daughters too - yours should be the best in the universe - for you! not for me!
To me there is an immaturity and bragging to the things that many people have pointed out above in this thread, and I would take it all with a grain of salt. A large grain.
To the OP and other’s points - the college chosen is one thing in a life: An important and life altering thing, but still only one thing. It is no more the deciding factor in what will become of that life that the cost of the wedding as compared to the quality of the marriage. It is hard to accept that others will go to their first choice when you or your child can not do so. This is true of many things in life. Other people will “get” what you want, and you may not. To paraphrase Victor Frankl, it is what you do with this that will make the difference in your life. However difficult it may be, the best advice is to embrace the advantages that one is given wholeheartedly. Regrets over games lost, applications wasted etc. while perhaps a necessary mourning process, must ultimately be left behind.
Good luck to all whose children will be part of the next freshman class.
I hear ya, Southernhope. I am not too upset, but I see my kids wonder “what if” and "why him."There are some kids here with great stories who got great college admissions results, really heart warming stories, and then some that make you say wtf, where you wonder what tall tales were told in the essays.
I keep telling the kids and myself that it all works out in the end. I went to an Ivy and led one of those charmed lives, but I live next door to a guy who did the military and a big state school. On the other side is a woman who went to a directional college and was never much of a student. All these different positions as college freshmen, and we all ended up in the same swanky neighborhood with the same daily concerns. We don’t agree on everything, but we read the same books, worry about the same issues, travel, get along fine, and enjoy each other’s company.
Big state U guy is passionate about his alma mater, especially its football team. My college never comes up—and I never bring it up. People appreciate me for other reasons.
… and then there are the kids who had the elite college experience – and did nothing with it, despite their parents $200,000 price tag. A neighbor’s daughter is like that: she went to an elite, competitive LAC on the East Coast. Yet for the past 2 years she’s been living at home and working at a doggie daycare. Supposedly, she’s studying to take exams to get into veterinary school. But after 2 years, her parents have lost hope.
@anothermom2…I have often thought about just getting off FB for the reasons you state…and i am guilty of posting those type of pics (wedding anniversary, etc.) I guess I’m just tired of it all. The ONLY reason I’m staying is that is where different groups of us have found each other and have our private messages for get togethers and reunions. That’s also the way I seem to be able to stay in touch with pictures and such with some of my very best friends that live afar. I love it for that.
Conmama, I am so sorry. That “friend” is incredibly insensitive.
When my oldest graduated from high school, I literally severed ties with a certain group of people. I had no guts for the endless rounds of trying to explain him and his decisions. He’s 35 years old …today acually… and he’s doing very well though he surely didn’t follow the prescribed path that those “friends” did. All’s well that ends well.
I never realized the drama that could take place between parents over whose kid did what with college. My parents aren’t involved in social media at all, and with my friends (and friends of the family) there’s no real sense of competition over who goes where. We are all happy for each other with each of our options. A couple of my friends aren’t going to college as they have other plans (gasp) but it’s no big deal in our relationships.