I know two sets of parents who don’t just occasionally speak about good things their kids do, they brag incessantly. It’s incredibly annoying, not because it inspires jealousy or the feeling that their accomplishments overshadow those of my own kids. It’s not that they say things that are not true about their kids or that they are exaggerating their kids’ qualities and accomplishments. It’s annoying because they NEVER ask about our kids. Or on the rare occasion that they do and we answer, then they must immediately respond with a superior accomplishment their kids have achieved recently. It’s all about their kids (who I have to admit are pretty special), and it’s clear that they can barely be bothered to hear anything about anyone else’s kids. I do believe this comes from insecurity about their own lives and that they do believe that their kids’ achievements are a reflection of their parenting and even of their own personal worth.
One family (well, to be honest, it was entirely the father) we just don’t see anymore because they are so insufferable. The other family has calmed down a little bit, so it’s not as bad anymore. Also, one of the parents is a friend of very long standing and we value the friendship, so we just put up with it. Unlike the first family, they are actually delightful company most of the time, so it’s much easier to overlook.
No one is saying you should never feel okay to mention something great about your kids. Certainly if someone asks you a direct question, it would be silly to lie or worry about how your answer will be received. But if people hint or insinuate that you brag about your kids too much, you probably do. And perhaps rather than getting huffy or defensive, the best thing to do would be to engage in most of those kinds of conversations with your parents. To loving grandparents, there is no such thing as bragging.
@lje62 As you were describing the dad who made the inappropiate comments, I found myself wondering if maybe he was Aspergers. Always a possibility. One of D’s friends, a nice kid, has parents I don’t particularly care for. I just remind myself that while children may be able to pick which college they will go to, they do not have the luxury of choosing their parents!
@MidwestDad3 , I don’t think he has Aspergers . He is just an odd guy who sometimes says things that make others uncomfortable , especially women and girls
To me, it’s all about the timing and the attitude.
To say Susie got accepted to XYZ University, we’re so happy! Or Susie has decided to attend XZY University! Is one thing, even if it’s Harvard. It’s a fact, and that doesn’t really sound like bragging to me, just a proud parent.
It’s quite different to say, Susie got accepted to all 10 colleges she applied to! Or Susie can’t decide which scholarship to accept. That’s a little more braggy to me.
A lot also depends on what the people are like in real life. Some of my friends IRL are just gushers about everything. I can read their FB posts in that “voice” and it doesn’t come across as bragging. Some are more prone to tooting their own horn too often and it turns me off.
I also try to remember that you don’t always know what is going on in people’s lives. So when my DH posts something nice about our D, most of our FB friends are also aware that she is going through many challenges of late and so it is nice to be able to post a “good” thing. It might sound braggy out of context.
And yes, it is prom season. Back when my child was not going to prom, seeing all those happy photos nearly brought me to tears. In fact, I posted a photo of my empty deck with the caption, “Just pretend this is a photo of [son] in a tux” to be contrary. But I did not get upset with any of my friends who posted photos of their kids going to prom. It’s a nice thing to do - and I was the one with the problem, not them.
Yes, I think that this thread is about those who selfishly and obnoxiously shove their child’s achievements in our faces to enhance their social standing or parental or scorecard something, not simple rejoicing over things, which everyone does (and should do!)
I’m happy for my friends’ kids accomplishments. I love to hear that this one is going to Pomona, and that one just got accepted at grad school, and that other one is disappointed that he didn’t get into Stanford but is delighted to be deciding between Yale and Princeton. I like to go to their kids’ weddings, and hear about their grandchildren. I feel wistful, but they are my friends-- I want them to be happy. I don’t want to be jealous. My son won’t have their accomplishments, but I can still be glad for them.
On the other hand, things can go too far. I was on a bike ride with a very close friend and another friend. The other friend was going on and on about how sad he was that his son hadn’t chosen to go to his alma mater, Brown, but was instead going to Wesleyan as a highly recruited film student. He didn’t just say this once. For miles he blathered on about it. I was getting madder and madder. Finally I told him to zip his lip.
He knew that my close friend and I were his classmates at Brown. He also knew that both of us have Aspie sons, and we would be thrilled to see our kids graduate from the worst college in America. I’m willing to be happy that his son will be at Wesleyan, but I’m damned if I’m even going to pretend to be sorry for him that his kid won’t follow Dad to Brown.
Regarding the braggart I described earlier, this is how a conversation might go:
Running into couple at the movies, I say, “Oh, hey! How are you guys doing?” His response: “Jimmy scored three touchdowns at the game Friday night.” I respond, “wow, that’s great. He’s awesome.” Dad: “You just should’ve been there to see the look on Joey G’s dad’s face! Jimmy beat his son out of the starting position and he’s only a sophomore!” I turn to the wife, “So are you still running?” Dad answers, “OMG I forgot to tell you that Lily finished the half marathon first in her age group AND beat the next older age group winner!” I respond, “yeah, my D2 mentioned that. I’m not surprised in the least.” Dad says, “yeah, tell your D2 we said hi.”
I’m not sure why I read through all this as DD is currently finishing her junior year in college, and the circles we’re in aren’t braggy. She graduated from an urban public high school, and I have the feeling that it would have been different had she gone to certain private ones. The kids she knew who got into the Ivies were first gen, low-income, highly accomplished in numerous ways, with a parent/parents who didn’t speak English. I think DD purposely applied to Midwest LACs that no one on the West Coast where we live have heard of nor applied to. (Love those dangling prepositions!) We focused on fit and affordability and not on prestige; the big concession was not to apply to the school that seemed like it would throw so much money at her that it would be difficult to decline, even though she would ultimately be miserable there due to its isolation.
It’s not over 'til it’s over. I do wonder about the two families I know whose daughters in the performing arts were admitted into NYU and they wanted them to follow their dreams despite the school being unaffordable and jeopardizing their savings and retirement. . . .
To all of you are hurting for your kids who can’t go to the schools they desire, whether for financial reasons or because they weren’t accepted, here is something one of my kids, who recently graduated, said last month, in watching his sister go through the process:
“Getting into a school seems like such a big deal as a senior. But a few months later no one cares about getting into blah blah blah. It’s like no one even remembers the schools they’re not going to.”
I was sad for my daughter back in December , and again in March when she was wait listed at a school , but things have turned around and she has committed to a school…and two days after that, got a conditional acceptance at another that could change the plan. At least the decision is hers and viable now
"fact, I posted a photo of my empty deck with the caption, “Just pretend this is a photo of [son] in a tux” to be contrary. But I did not get upset with any of my friends who posted photos of their kids going to prom. "
Oy. How did your son feel about his parent publicly calling out his non-prom-going? My kids didn’t go to their proms, but I didn’t act sad about it, especially in a “public” setting. Sounds like that just made it a bigger deal.
Well, at that point S still hadn’t friended me on FB He was totally fine not going to prom and all my friends of course already knew he was not going because it’s all anyone was talking about for weeks before (who’s going with whom, what color dress, where to get tuxes, etc)
My S is/was much more socially confident that I was at that age and did not see the point of dressing up in an uncomfortable tux, taking loads of photos and hanging out with a girl he was not dating. He did go to the post prom event and had a blast.
Ironically he went to the prom as a freshman in college because his HS senior GF asked him to go. So I got my prom photos anyway, for posterity.
To the OP: I do understand your pain. Parenting sometimes feels like the ultimate competitive sport right from the start (who spoke the first sentence, pooped in the potty, and rode a bike without training wheels). I once overheard my BIL bragging that his son was ‘very advanced’ for his age. He was 6 weeks old!!!
College decisions are just the next in the series! I have been assured by my MIL that her status is below her friends because she has a few less grandchildren. I guess the competition doesn’t ever stop
I think @Barfly has it right- enjoy your coffee and make a blessings list. I think I will do the same.
BTW: as for the prom, I live in CT and it is not necessary to have a date for prom which is awesome. Girls go with girls and guys go as a group, too. Lots less stress not feeling like you have to have a date. Times have changed here and I love it! Much more fun!
^^^ I wish that tide would turn here regarding the prom. It’s all about the prom-posal and the girls " have to " go with whoever asks them first…too much pressure in my opinion
I am getting the asinine “Oh, your daughter is going THERE? Did she get rejected from [school]?” OR “I remember she got accepted at [school], was it too expensive?” Honestly. Why not ask me if my boobs are real? How is this anyone’s business?
@seal16 , I suppose it is for some people , and others would perceive sharing things that make you happy as bragging.
Sometimes it’s just sharing information , a joke, a recipe or old photos.
He was totally fine not going to prom and all my friends of course already knew he was not going because it’s all anyone was talking about for weeks before (who’s going with whom, what color dress, where to get tuxes, etc)