Please review my UC application essay.

Colleges & Universities University of California - Berkeley
1

<p>Below is my essay. Please leave some comments. =] I like my essay’s organization and tone but I think it might lack idiosyncrasy, dialogue, and solid examples. What do you think?</p>

<p>My First Debate
“Are you two varsity?” I innocently asked my first debate opponents as I walked into the room with my partner for our first ever debate in our career.
“Yes”
Oh.
We, needless to say, lost the match. </p>

<pre><code>As I walked out of the room, the realization that I had lost my first ever debate match overwhelmingly depressed me, but my mind suddenly drew a blank as mental images rushed in, as if a movie reel playing my journey of founding Speech and Debate club as a clueless freshman, painstakingly fundraising and building the club as a Sophomore, and being elected Team Captain of our school’s first ever Speech and Debate Team as a Junior.

I remembered going classroom to classroom, handing out flyers for a fundraiser I had organized. I remembered the hours spent in my coach’s office, trying to make ends meet at the last second. I remembered spending an entire summer learning Lincoln Douglas debate so that I could teach it to the new debaters, only to learn at the beginning of the season that I would need to learn and teach Public Forum debate instead. I remembered my free fourth periods spent trying to learn the foreign language called Public Forum Debate so that I could teach it correctly during practice. I remembered having to call scary Asian parents and beg them to volunteer as judges because we were short. I remembered the pride I felt when I watched the debaters who I had taught share my passion for debate.

I threw myself so completely in Speech and Debate that I may have overreacted sometimes when anything related to it fared poorly. I realize now that this is because in the early years of my high school career, Speech and Debate was synonymous with hope in my mentality. In those years I felt myself being buried under the rubble of my broken life: my relationship with my dad worsened, my mom got heart disease, I was scared by the prospect of having to find a new niche in high school. For all those aspects of my life that I felt were out of my control, I made up for by trying to control the success of Speech and Debate Team.

In that transient moment, it truly hit me how far along not only the team had come, but also how far I had come. I realized also that a rout should not dampen my spirits: the loss made me realize how much Speech and Debate Team had changed who I am. And surprisingly, I like the person Speech and Debate made me. Through Speech and Debate I found my ability to fight for my own success, I found a group of friends who shared my love for Speech and Debate, and I found the beauty of inspiring others with my passion.
</code></pre>

<p>And besides, we learned so much from the varsity debaters that we won our next few rounds. Maybe failure really is the great great great grandmother of success.</p>

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<p>Don’t post your essay in the open like this…unless you want someone to take your words and incorporate it into their own essay…which will lead in adcoms suspecting forgery on both sides.</p>

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<p>[College</a> Essays - College Confidential](<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/college-essays/]College”>College Essays - College Confidential Forums)</p>

4

<p>"As I walked out of the room, the realization that I had lost my first ever debate match overwhelmingly depressed me, but my mind suddenly drew a blank as mental images rushed in, as if a movie reel playing my journey of founding Speech and Debate club as a clueless freshman, painstakingly fundraising and building the club as a Sophomore, and being elected Team Captain of our school’s first ever Speech and Debate Team as a Junior. "</p>

<p>This is one sentence. I could read no further.</p>

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<p>^well when you look at the sentence it is actually 2 conjoined sentences with a list in the 2nd sentence. just thought you should know :)</p>

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<p>Regarding the technical (not theoretical) definition of a sentence, there is only one ending punctuation symbol.</p>

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<p>Paragraph 4 -I threw myself so completely in speech… should be into.</p>

<p>I would try to vary your sentence structure. You have a lot of long sentences in this essay. I understand that you are trying to provide detail and originality of phrasing, but your essay is difficult to read as it is right now. Try breaking up some of the sentences and sprinkling shorter more direct phrasing throughout. This will add interest to your essay and make it much more clear and easy to read. </p>

<p>Your best paragraph is the second to last. Here I hear you and not someone who is trying to be a good writer. It sounds much more genuine and sincere. That is the key to a good essay. Be yourself. Write about something that you are passionate about. Tell me about it. Make me feel that passion and convey to me what you have learned. Don’t worry about being a good writer. That always sounds stiff and stilted. Be you. The readers are trying to learn about you and who you are. They want to hear your voice. Let them hear it. </p>

<p>You are on the right path. Just fine tune it a bit, and you are good to go. Good luck. :-)</p>

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<p>it is 2 complete sentences…same way you use a “;” to conjoin two sentences</p>

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<p>I don’t really understand why you’re trying to defend the fact that it’s two sentences. I was merely stating that the length of it deterred me from reading any more. Did I correct them? No. Do you really feel the need to prove your grammatical omniscience in an online forum?</p>

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<p>Saw this on What’s the Chatter.</p>

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<p>Split this up, please, goodness.</p>

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<p>Your essay bores me. I wrote about fast food and death metal for my Cal essay. Thousands of kids write essays similar to the one you’ve just presented. Let your uniqueness shine through.</p>

12

<p>This is the type of essay that will have virtually no impact on your admission to UC’s. It’s nothing special, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It just means that if you have good stats, you’ll get in. If not, nope.</p>

13

<p>I will be honest with you and say that since you have until Nov. take the time to rewrite. This is one essay for all the UCs, so it has to represent you in front of Cal, UCLA, SD, etc…
While this essay is “safe” I agree with those above that many students write run-of-the-mill essays involving clubs they started, challenges they’ve overcome, and other stuff adcoms pretty much just don’t want to see anymore. There just isn’t anything original you can say about these things, although I did come across a Vietnamese student who wrote about his family experiences in a concentration camp-now that’s a story! The point is, the UC are dead broke, and they will not hesitate to give your spot to an OOS with less qualifications if you can not convince them otherwise. ** Show them that you are special**</p>

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<p>Yes, I agree with @babydragon that the UC’s are broke and the essay is that one chance in your application to show them you’re unique. The financial situation of the UC’s is just going to make getting in that much harder. On the plus side, you do seem to have a lot of passion for the group you started and that will inspire you to write a great essay as you revise drafts. I got into UC and I also wrote an essay about forming a club (my club was a Gay Straight Alliance in my super redneck, conservative town):</p>

<p>-You write a lot about what it physically took to form the club: memorizing speeches, teaching them, fundraising. But what did it mentally and metaphorically take? What odds were against you?
-You said it made you into a better person, but I think you should take at least a paragraph to explain exactly what transformation happened within you. Paint a picture of how you were before, the obstacles in forming the team, and then paint a picture of you as you are now.
-With the lessons you learned in forming this team, what new perspectives have allowed you to become a unique student at UC? What’s something new you’ll bring to the table?</p>

<p>-And please, lol, I think you should change the <em>scary Asian parent</em> thing</p>

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<p>So, I might be a little late to the game… But, I would like to say that you should always try to do something individual with your essay. For my admittance essay last year I wrote about Spiderman (completely random topic, but one that I was comfortable writing) and ended up getting in. Of course things like grades and after-school activities matter- but the essay is your shot to show what a unique snowflake you are! :)</p>