Here is something where you need to show specifics.
“1. I will balance the course choices better.” What does this mean? Give me a specific example.
“2. I will manage my time wisely on academics work less hours to study more.” This isn’t a sentence – to make it a sentence, you would need to say “I will manage my time wisely on academics, and I will work fewer hours (not less hours, fewer) in order to have more time for studying.” HOW are you going to manage your time more wisely? How many hours are you cutting down to, and how many hours do you anticipate being able to devote to studying?
“3. I will seek assistance with my coursework when I have difficulties.” HOW? How will you know when you have difficulties? What are the indications? HOW will you seek assistance? Have you familiarized yourself with tutoring, office hours, study groups, etc.?
I also note that you are saying “when you have difficulties.” How about BEFORE you have difficulties, to ensure that you are on top of things?
“4. I will maintain communication with my professors on a regular basis to ensure success in my courses”
Nothing prevented you from doing so in the past. Why should the reader believe you?
“5. Complete classes with a B or better I am older and more determine to graduate from college with all b or better nothing less even if I need after class help or a tutor I will do it to have a career.”
Here is where you need some basic English help. To make this grammatically correct, it would need to be:
“Complete class with a B or better average. I am older and more determineD to graduate from college with all B or better grades, nothing less. Even if I need after-class help or a tutor, I will do so in order to have a career.”
When you have a tough assignment at school, do you ask one of your classmates to do it for you? I sure hope not. Just like school work, THIS NEEDS TO BE YOUR OWN WORK.
Davidgallant, here is an example of what I mean by specifics. Suppose I wanted to tell you that I was going to lose 20 pounds. And I said here’s my plan:
Eat better.
Exercise more.
Would you say that was specific enough, or would you want an explanation of HOW I was going to do so? For example:
Stock my refrigerator with fresh fruits and vegetables.
Make and carry lunches with me instead of eating fast food.
When I am tempted by poor food choices, go for a walk instead.
Re-start my membership at the gym, and commit to going there 4 times a week for an hour each time.
Start playing tennis for fun once a week.
Monitor my weight once a week, and take corrective action if it rises.
Do you see the difference between the vague examples and the specifics? Right now, you’ve just given vague examples. What are your specifics?
"I was a guy who didn’t need a tutor or even to stay after class to get a better understanding of the work or to ask question in the class because I thought all of my friend would make fun of me or after class** kick my ass ** or call me teacher’s pet or other names. "
I know you have since gotten rid of that part, but I want you to think about this: You initially thought that including an expletive was appropriate in a letter explaining poor grades and reinstating financial aid. That tells me that you still have some ways to go in terms of your judgment.
what do you think about this I couldn’t meet the standard gpa of 2.0 so I don’t get financial aid this year I hope if I submit this I will get it back so I can get a better career
please give me some ideas or redo it and send it back to me plz
My major is nursing 2016-2016
There are several factors of why I did not have a successful academic school policy when I was a student at Northshore community college such as time management, procrastination, not enough study time, etc. Now, I can come up with all kinds of excuses of why I failed to maintain 2.00 GPA in two consecutive semesters but I am not that kind of person who put the blame on this and that of why I failed. To be honest with you, regardless of all those factors, I admit that I did a youth stupidity mistake and I regret it. Honestly, I was not serious about my studies and I blame myself. I could have worked it out against all the circumstances and difficulties I had last year.
However, I have a plan of what I’m going to do this time if I got this second chance. I am planning to go to a community college in Massachusetts for two years to get my grades up then transfer to a good university to get my bachelor degree in nursing. I will manage my time precisely, I will put school work my first priority, and I will use any extra study resource (e.g. tutoring, office hours, group study, advising, etc.).
I will hired a tutor who I believe is a very good match for me and is wonderful at explaining mathematical concepts that I have difficulty with.
I will contact my instructor if there is something I do not understand or if I have any doubts or questions about any course materials and communicate more with all of my instructors than I have in the past.
If I am having trouble with coursework in any of my classes, I will contact my tutor or another tutor immediately.
I will no longer work 60+ hours a week as it has obviously been more than I can handle while also attending school full time.
I will make more of an effort to participate in school activities as I have
I really want this chance so bad and I’m willing to do anything to get it. I want to prove to everyone else that I can succeed in a high level of education and most importantly I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I know for a fact last time I didn’t apply myself of who I really am.
In conclusion, I believe that I have the potential to succeed in a high level of education and I will never do the same mistakes I did last year. In my opinion, life is a journey where we experience a lot of trials and errors along the way but only the successful people are those who learn from those trials and errors and never do them again.
Why are you starting out with “my major is nursing 2016-2016”? It makes no sense.
You really need to go to an in-person tutoring center of some sort. There are basic deficiencies in grammar which suggest to me that you will not be able to succeed in college courses unless they are addressed.
Simple proofreading would have caught these. We shouldn’t have to do this proofreading for you.
*“There are several factors of why I did not have a successful academic school policy” *
There are several factors WHY (omit the of).
Why are you saying successful academic school POLICY? You didn’t have a successful academic YEAR. Not a policy.
"I admit that I did a youth stupidity mistake and I regret it. "
Re-read that sentence. It doesn’t make sense. A “youth stupidity mistake”?
1. I will hired a tutor who I believe is a very good match for me and is wonderful at explaining mathematical concepts that I have difficulty with.
I will hire a tutor (not hired). Whom I believe, not who I believe.
I know for a fact last time I didn’t apply myself of who I really am.*
Again, this sentence isn’t correct. Did you mean to say I know for a fact last time I didn’t apply myself as well as I could have?
In conclusion, I believe that I have the potential to succeed in a high level of education and I will never do the same mistakes I did last year.
I will never make the same mistakes I made last year (instead of do / did).
We want to help, but you have to help yourself. If you are unable to identify these mistakes on your own, you need an in-person tutoring session or remedial English help.
No one should be “redoing” this for you. You need to “redo it” YOURSELF. In my opinion, you need more help than you can get on an internet forum such as this.
I’m not trying to be harsh, but I think that before you attempt to go back to college full-time, you need to sign up for some remedial English courses. Especially if your major is nursing. Nursing is one of those majors where you need to be able to communicate extremely well. Leaving off periods in a letter is unprofessional; leaving them off of dosage instructions on a hospital release form could have deadly consequences. Until you can write a coherent business letter on your own, you really don’t belong in a nursing program.
I can’t get through the wall of words, but offer this: They don’t need to hear what you "will "do or “believe.” Talk is cheap.
They need to know what you are doing.
Look at the difference here:
“I understand the expectation better now and I am doing well in my coursework this semester with currently all passing grades.” That acknowledges and shows a change is already underway. Maybe cite a few grades or a teacher or two who will attest to your improvement. Work off that whole paragraph, use it to guide you.
When kids are little, its a big deal to get them to acknowledge all the mistakes, show remorse, and have an idea of what needs to change. Fine, they’re little. Now you’re in crisis and have to show mature progress. Cite the progress, not the woe or the dreams.
I do think you coud lead with this paragraph, reworked just a bit:
Due to (poor grades or whatever is is, eg, poor grades over X semesters) I have been rendered ineligible…
Get to the point and stay on it. “Show” them you are a better thinker now. Etc.
“I admit that I did a youth stupidity mistake and I regret it.”
This sentence, along with many others throughout your letter revisions, suggest that you are not a native english speaker. Before you return to your college to pursue a degree, I highly recommend you sign up for community college courses in remedial english. As others have pointed out, there are MANY problems in your style of writing, from basic grammar mistakes to stilted phrasing, to plain poor judgment. You need lots of practice. Please do that before stumbling back into college, where you will likely still not be prepared.
Your need to step back and consider who you are writing to and what they are looking for.
Your are writing to professional academics. This means that the letter should take a professional business tone. A lot of your writing comes off as too casual. The letter needs to be polished and free of grammatical errors.
I suspect what they looking for is:
A short concise explanation of what cause you to lose your financial aid. They want to see that you understand what your issues were. They do not want long drawn out detailed stories.
A detailed action plan of what steps you are taking and will take to correct these issues. Detailed does not mean wordy. The goal is to show them that you understand what has to be done to succeed in your courses.
Every sentence should address these two points. If it doesn’t then it is likely that the sentence should be eliminated.
I lost something in an edit. You do not need to drag them through every mistake, they know you’re in trouble and they’ve heard all the excuses over the years, all the false promises and sad faces. It’s their work.
Lead with a simple statement of facts, to help them hone in. Due to (xxx,) I have been rendered ineligible… Without financial aid I will be unable to continue my education because I cannot afford the cost of supplies, fees, transportation, and personal expenses. My academics are my first priority now and I realize I need to (prioritize) my time (and seek the right guidance and academic support) in order to be successful in the future. I have taken the following steps.
Then something about reviewing your situation, seeking advice, getting the better grades now,how you have been going to study groups, office hours, now have a tutor, whatever it is.
I realize you have not done the latter things, but sorry, you should have. Their decisions will be based on believing you and believing in you. Not your remorse layered into a bunch of mea culpas, and a few “ideas.” Think about it.
this one I have took time and really did this one I hope its better
This letter is to appeal to the Financial Aid Appeal Committee so I may continue receiving Federal
Financial Aid at the North shore community college. The reason I have not met Satisfactory Academic
Standards of a 2.0 was because of many reasons but a few are Lack of Preparedness, Poor Attendance, Poor Study Habits, and Poor Time Management. Ever since I attended this college I have been to another college called Gibbs Boston that I graduated from in 2011.
• I have learned that you need to have almost perfect attendance so you know what is going on in that class room for the day so you don’t miss any assignment’s or projects.
• I also learned that you need to have more preparedness in all of your work so you get great grades on your projects homework and assignments.
• While attending North shore community college and Gibbs Boston very different I took more time to study my assignments and quizzes to master my work so when the real test came I would be ready for it
• And I also learned a lot more time management while attending college and doing my job work. As a medical assistant I have learned that everything in life takes time so I come in to work early so I can management time and get everything I need for my work done within the 8 hours I am here
I will be a fulltime student taking 9 credits but I will be working less amount of hours compared to when I first at North shore community college and working 2 jobs while attending college which is very hard for me. The job I have lets me leave after my job is done while getting paid the same pay so I can afford my student loans.
My goal is to finish my college education. I will take the following steps to help complete my goal:
I have been approved for education leave at my place of employment and can leave during work hours and attend class while keeping my full-time pay.
I will not enroll more than half-time.
I will manage my time wisely so that I can balance my family and studies together.
College has always been important to me but more so now that I have bills and I can’t pay for them because I am living pay check to pay check. I would be very grateful for another opportunity.
In one sentence you say you’ll be a “full-time student taking 9 credits,” (which may or may not be full-time at your college), but in another you say you won’t “enroll more than half-time.” You need to be consistent.
Is there an ESL (English as a 2nd language course) available to you? Your writing sounds like English isn’t your first language. If that’s the case, do yourself a favor and learn the language first, then return to college. I think you’ll find your courses less of a struggle that way.
This letter is to appeal to the Financial Aid Appeal Committee so I may continue receiving Federal
Financial Aid at the Northshore community college. The reason I have not met Satisfactory Academic
Standards of a 2.0 was because of many reasons but a few are Lack of Preparedness, Poor Attendance, Poor Study Habits, and Poor Time Management. Ever since I attended this college it’s been very hard for me because I was right out of high school and I thought I knew a lot and that I didn’t need a tutor or to stay after for assistance. And then I went to a new college thinking I was going to get a better degree in medical but turns out it was only for medical admin clinical assistant not to become a nurse which I have always wanted to be ever since the age of 5 so i left Northshore to go to a college called Gibbs Boston that I graduated from in 2011. Down below is a list that I will be taking to keep my gpa above a 2.0 and getting the best education that I can get
• Attendance: so you know what is going on in the classroom that day.
• Preparedness: in all of your work so you get great grades on your projects homework and assignments.
• More time to study: on my assignments and quizzes to master my work and so I learn more if information
• More time management : need more than 5 hours a day to do my homework, and other assignments for that class
I will be a fulltime student taking 9 credits but I will be working less amount of hours compared to when I first at Northshore community college and working 2 jobs while attending college which is very hard for me. The job I have lets me leave after my job is done while getting paid the same pay so I can afford my student loans.
My goal is to finish my college education. I will take the following steps to help complete my goal:
I have been approved for education leave at my place of employment and can leave during work hours and attend class while keeping my full-time pay.
I will not enroll more than 9 credit
I will manage my time wisely so that I can balance my family and studies together.
College has always been important to me but more so now that I have bills and I can’t pay for them because I am living pay check to pay check. I would be very grateful for another opportunity.
David, please take seriously the advice to improve your English skills–grammar, punctuation, usage and composition–before attempting a nursing program. (Example–there’s no reason to capitalize all those words in your second sentence; you need to learn, or re-learn, the basics.) When you write papers and exams you won’t have the chance to revise endlessly, nor will you have the input of a bunch of helpful posters. Your desire to better yourself is admirable, but there’s no point in starting something you aren’t ready for.