I would not ask or bring the BF to the after party either. It could make things awkward. You D can live without her BF for one night or she can attend the wedding/reception and skip the after party.
Is this really a +1 or was it intended for her to bring THIS BF and no one else? I think a ‘+1’ means you (guest) are free to invite anyone you want so someone can accompany you to the wedding. If they know who the guest is, why not just consider that the bride and groom invited ‘Susie and Bill,’ not ‘Susie and +1.’ What if Bill can’t go? Is Susie allowed to substitute another friend?
In my view, no. But I would address the invitation by name to a particular person, so I don’t think anyone would be confused by this, despite the lack of a NON-TRANSFERABLE admonition.
If your friend Bill is in a long-term relationship with Susie, and you want to invite both Bill and Susie to the wedding, I think it is highly rude and inconsiderate to address an invitation to “Bill and Guest.”
It really suggests to Susie that Bill is telling his friends that his relationship with Susie MAY just not be as exclusive as Susie thinks it is, and that you, as the friend, wanted to make sure that Bill’s options are left open in case something better comes along. It is rude, rude, rude! You are leaving Bill to have to explain to Susie that when they wrote the words “and Guest” they were meaning to convey the words “Susie Jones.”
The proper thing to do is to call Bill and get Susie’s address and send her a damn invitation already.
No, D1’s BF was invited by name, not D1 +1. When I think of plus 1, it means that plus 1 (BF) wouldn’t have been invited if it weren’t for the main invitee.
DS#1 married last year. Space was limited. We had to truncate our portion of the guest list which was challenging enough. They limited guests of friends to those in a very serious relationship/engaged. They were not able to let friends bring a simple “date”.
That’s why Miss Manners (who is a riot, btw) would say - you don’t issue a plus one. You find out the person’s name and invite them. That’s not a plus one, that’s including Susie because she’s been dating Bill for several years and they are an established couple.
Harvestmoon, you keep saying “pull up a chair”. Not every wedding dinner is a buffet where you sit at long tables where you grab your own silverware and napkin off the buffet. You can’t “pull up a chair” at a sit down dinner where an elegant table is set for a certain number of people, perhaps with place cards.
Except that is exactly what happened at my wedding. It was an intimate sit-down dinner, seats assigned reception. What can you do except say, find a chair and add it? I wasn’t going to let it ruin my day but I did put my sister in charge of “fixing it”. She had to let the servers know to add him to the meal list and the table was a bit crunched for space but it was the “cousins” table, everyone there was 16-26 and couldn’t have cared less.
Its apparent that the majority of you believe that a +1 is most often only appropriate when it is an established relationships (not sure how long this means but personally I’d think 2 years is enough), or more so, when there is true commitment (living together or engaged). Interesting. I think of a reception as a party where there is lots of dancing and that sort of thing and that couples do together. D is not really upset, nor am I and I get the $$ end of it. Of course, the other side of that is…if your list exceeds 200 people, there’s already a whole bunch that the bride isn’t truly friends with lol. D has decided that she’ll leave the reception after the dinner so she can spend some time with bf. She’ll only be home that one weekend and really wanted to send some time with him before heading back to school until mid-August. She’ll have the day before to spend with our immediate family and see her brother who doesn’t live locally either.
“Its apparent that the majority of you believe that a +1 is most often only appropriate when it is an established relationships (not sure how long this means but personally I’d think 2 years is enough), or more so, when there is true commitment (living together or engaged).”
Actually I think “the rules” can differ for different people. If I’m a bride, I can most certainly say that I’m fine with my sister inviting her casual boyfriend of a few months whom we’ve all met and think he’s a nice guy and won’t that be fun for sis, but it doesn’t obligate me to offer plus-ones for everyone on my list who is single.
.if your list exceeds 200 people, there’s already a whole bunch that the bride isn’t truly friends with lol.>>
Well, DD’s list is in the 180s and I added two more yesterday. More than 80 of those are family - grands, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins only. Then some of our longtime friends whom she knows well and friends of both hers and his. We moved a lot and she has a lot of good friends. It got up there quickly. Looking at it, I don’t really see anyone to cut, but do know some will not make it that day. She figures there will be around 150.
@HarvestMoon1 was there no additional cost for,the three extra guests who just showed up at your wedding. Some weddings are $150-200 or more per person. Three extra guests could cost a pretty penny.
Sorry…I think it’s very rude to bring an unannounced and univited guest to ANY wedding reception. Anyone can go,to the ceremony, however.
I don’t have a rule about how long someone needs to be a couple. Just find out the name of the plus one and invite them. So say Susie is a cousin you aren’t that close to. You call (text, or email) Susie and say, “I want to invite you to my wedding is there anyone you want to include as a date for you?”
I’m sure we messed up with some plus ones at our oldest daughter’s wedding and we’ll probably do so again with our youngest. With our oldest daughter our venues limited the number of guests and expense played a part. We did have a couple guests call and ask to bring someone which we okayed. By then, we had a handle on the number of regrets.
My youngest plans to invite a number of friends from high school/college and coworkers. She wants her wedding on the smaller side and plans to limit plus ones. Example: I don’t think she plans to invite spouses or partners of the seven women on her teaching team. She hopes that any who want to come to her wedding will come as a group. She’s closer to some of the teachers than others but doesn’t want to exclude anyone. She’s never met the husbands et al. She doesn’t think anyone will mind - she wouldn’t think twice herself. I hope she’s right.
A husband isn’t a plus-one, IMO. I would kind of think you invite a husband / spouse in most circumstances, even if you’ve not met them. My H has had professional acquaintances who invited us to their weddings, though they had never met me.
In my D’s wedding case, all the “plus-1s” are people she actually knows and the invites are by name, and not implying to just bring any guest. However, they are invited because they are partners with the friend she wants at her wedding. Some may not have been invited otherwise.
Pizzagirl:I know and agree. But …
The issue comes up because my daughter wants a small wedding and the head count keeps scooting up. She thought about not including coworkers but I know of at least one who expects to come. If she’s invited, another two would expect to be also. At that point, the other four shouldn’t be excluded. So the number jumps from zero to one to three to seven - then fourteen with partners/spouses. It’s like the children’s book To Give a Mouse a Cookie.
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I would think twice before only inviting one spouse, unless it is forewarned and understood by everyone involved.
I was worked in a department with about 20 or so coworkers who clicked very well together, lots of after work socialization, ranged in age from recent grads to prob mid to late 30’s. Everyone knew each other’s spouses, significant others and even dating status. One younger woman (mid 20’s) was planning her wedding, we had thrown a work shower, knew her fiancé, heard all the details.
She almost tearfully announced she simply could not have the whole staff (and plus ones) at reception, she would post ceremony details and would love to have anyone and everyone at church. A large group of us went to her formal Catholic mass with love in our hearts and best wishes to share. Not a single grumble.
Sounds like she needs to rethink then - and possibly not invite coworkers.
Back to the OP - tell your daughter to go and have a good time. Her boyfriend can be for later.
@ignatius she didn’t invite ANY coworkers to the reception because she couldn’t draw a line. In my community, the reception is fun, but standing before God and making your vows is the important part.
So we attended ceremony, got teary eyed, hugged the happy couple and NOT a single person begrudged her difficult decision. Those that skip the ceremony and attend only the reception are another story!